My Ancestors Could Beat Up Your Ancestors

1. Like techno-vegan weenieboy, Moby, I am also descended directly from a whale metaphor, except mine ain't no pussy whale like his. Mine's fucking, sea-mammal-ninja-level deadly.

2. My great-great grandfather once shot a man in Reno just to watch Johnny Cash write a song about him dying.

3. My great aunt's great uncle was the first man to attach lasers to tap shoes.

4. I am directly descended from the first mutant, serial killer pope.

5. My mother's mother's family dug the Panama Canal with only their penetrating stares.

6. A female relative in the Romanian branch of my father's family went to prom with Vlad the Impaler, and made him cry like a little homicidal baby.

7. My great-grandmother's great aunt survived for three years on cyanide alone.