May 31, 2007

Numbers I'm Least Likely To Use for Any Top n List

A list of the top 17 non-negative whole integers that I am least likely to use to make top ‘n’ lists. Brief explanations are provided as to why each number has such scant chances of becoming 'n'.

1. 48, too readily divisible, an absolute whore for factors, recently spotted trying to woo 7 away from its neighbor 49.

2. 31, too nakedly prime, many other primes at least put up a good front of potential divisibility.

3. 10, the Wal-Mart of top ‘n’ lists, overused, trite even.

4. 69, encourages snickering among frat boys and emotional toddlers.

5. 2468, too even / too appreciated.

6. -(-10), turns out this is just the same old greedy, hegemonic 10 wearing a shield front and back and holding a threatening spear.

7. 12teen, apparently not a number at all.

8. 6666, Satan's big brother, very mean, eats my candy, does not wash dishes.

9. 0, too Jean-Paul Sartre, might encourage black berets, smoking and / or bad poetry.

10. 77, leans too far to the right, not politically sensible.

11. 13, not savvy enough to shake negative image, might as well be negative as a result.

12. Blue, craftily rhymes itself with "two," leading scientists, however, now consider it to be a color.

13. 1, not comparative enough, ranks items insufficiently, a loner, too straight, too narrow, also embarrassingly Freudian.

14. That crosshatched symbol (#) that you get on most keyboards by hitting ‘shift+3’ and often indicates the word 'number', however, not a number itself.

15. 8,675,309, not serious enough to fulfill list duties, more concerned with taking phone calls for a good time, answers to "Jenny, Jenny".

16. All multiples of 180, too busy with extreme snowboarding, motocross, etc.

17. 2, very divisive, seems to be a factor in splitting up almost every other number, power hungry, relies on technicality to earn prime number status, doesn’t need any more glory.

May 30, 2007

Yoda's Porn Collection

1. Wookiee Nookiee

2. Debi Does Jedi

3. Blowjabba The Hott

4. Leia: A Slave Unchained

5. Darth Invader

6. The Force Is Long On This One

7. Booba Fettish

8. Behind The Green Blast Door

9. Obi Wanna Know Me?

10. Gungang Gunbang: Jar Jar Kinks

11. Hand Solo

12. Jabba The Slutt

13. Jedi Nights 5: Tit For Tatooine

14. Deepforce

15. XXX-Wing

16. No, In My Pocket, A Lightsaber That Is Not

May 29, 2007

Assorted Rental Businesses That Never Made It Very Far

1. Rent-A-Condom

2. Rent-A-Clue

3. Rent-A-God (still a couple branches open in Hollywood)

4. Rent Renters, Inc.

5. Digestion-4-Rent

6. Rent-A-Suicidal-Clown (supply quickly dried up)

7. Pararsite-2-Rent

8. Thought Renters, Ltd.

9. Rent-A-Hoe (initially very popular among travelling businessmen, now only used by gardeners and the occasional hoe-murderer)

10. Rental Arson, Co.

11. Rent-A-Mongoose (not as domestic an animal as expected)

12. Renter The Dragon

13. Rent-A-Universe (not enough variety in the selection, did not fit in truck to get it home)

14. Rent-A-Sunder

Highly Specialized Tools of the Trade

Trade - Tool

1. Archeaology - Anti Ancient Curse Topical Ointment

2. Carpenter - This thing which looks like a fat stick with a metal thingy on top, and you swing it and hit it against these sharp pointy metal things and push them into, ummm, what's that stuff a lot of trees are made out of nowadays?

3. Professional Soccer Player - Feet (preferably his or her own)

4. Urologist - Map of Urope

5. Chicken- Egg

6. Politician - Two reserve tanks of super-heated oxygen, three for campaign season

7. Mortician - Death

8. Critic - Feelings of cultural superiority coupled with intense self-loathing

9. Firefighter - Heat, fuel and air plus unheat, unfuel and unair

10. Priest - Death

11. Barista - Thorough understanding of revolutionary Latin American political ideologies; also, a barometer

12. Egg - Chicken

13. President / Male Porn Star - Misguided personal philosophy based on self-deceit, good hair and a penis (preferably his own)

14. Assassin - Two toilets, one for each ass

15. Shit Shoveler - Shit, shovel

16. Rent-A-Cop - Muscles, bitter memories of junior high maltreatment

17. Actor - Pathological need for acceptance

18. Writer - Words, inspiration, alcoholism

19. Copywriter - Shit, shovel

Frequency of Sex for Various Men with Explanations

1. Hugh Hefner - frequent sex (Explanation: scientists believe Hefner's ability to sustain such frequent sexual behavior at an advanced age may be linked to his presence among many naked, horny, young women looking to form loving and meaningful publicity-based relationships)

2. Bill Gates - infrequent sex (Explanation: starts well, but hard drive slows due to viral infections)

3. Fidel Castro - infrequent sex (Explanation: quite old and in ill-health; he's smoked his last cigar... or something like that)

4. Kim Jong-il - abstinent (Explanation: seems quite active, but upon closer examination, it can be seen that he is only fucking himself)

5. George W. Bush - perpetual sex (Explanation: always screwing the American people; unable to pull out due to lack of exit strategy)

6. Karl Rove - abstinent (Explanation: mercifully, one is not needed)

7. Ann Coulter - very frequent sex (Explanation: professional dominant)

May 28, 2007

In Addition to a Homosexual Lifestyle, the Teletubbies Also Promote...

"A senior Polish official has ordered psychologists to investigate whether the popular BBC TV show Teletubbies promotes a homosexual lifestyle." -, May 28, 2007

What else the Teletubbies find time to promote:

1. Petrifying adorableness

2. Chiclets

3. Putting the heads of babies on the sun

Big Rick's Adult Showcase in Davenport, Iowa (18-month promotional contract, expiring October 2008)

5. Abdominally-Mounted Home Entertainment Systems (Future generations of Teletubbies will come with 7.1 Surround Sound)

6. Concise but gripping plotlines

7. Finding the cure to Dipsy's cephalopriapism

Color recognition

9. The enormous value of Mascot-Rabbit-Pinwheel-based ecosystems

10. Uplift mofo party plans

The immediate, brutal and merciless use of the phrase "bye-bye"

The Comforest Adjustable Bed

13. The nostalgic recollection of a childhood spent romping with androgynous, technicolor protohumanoids

14. The immediate, brutal and merciless annexation of Poland











Subtle but Important Differences Between Desserts and Deserts

1. Desserts rarely stretch for miles in any direction.

2. A desert may have an oasis; a dessert may be an oasis.

3. Deserts are valuable ecosystems; tortes usually aren't

4. Desert temperatures vary greatly from day to night; ice cream is best kept below freezing at all times.

5. Desserts also only experience infrequent precipitation, unless someone left a cake out in the rain.

6. If your car breaks down in the middle of the dessert, you're probably going to be fine, but you will have a hard time explaining to the management why you drove into the restaurant in the first place.

7. Although fruitcakes are also dry, rocky and desolate, closer examination reveals them to be vaguely edible and not suitable for camping.

8. Desserts do not generally produce thermals sufficient for maintaining the majestic flight of the vulture.

9. Deserts may contain live coyotes; most good puddings do not.

The Jump - a new very short play from Brendon


Setting: The jump door of a small ariplane.

(Lights up, we hear the motor of a small plane and the wind rushing by. Gus and Neville stand at the open door in skydiving gear.)

Gus: (talking loudly over the sound) Okay. This is it. Ready?

Neville: (looking down) Ummm... it's really far down, isn't it?

G: Yep! Ready?

N: You know... uhhh... no. No. I'm not ready.

G: C'mon! It's time; we've been over all the issues. You've done the training. This is the time.

N: I know that, Gus. I'm... uhh... I'm...

G: What? You're what?

N: I'm just not good at this sort of thing.

G: You've never done it before! How do you know if you're good at it or not if you've never done it before?

N: I'm just not. I know. I'm just not good at... you know... things.

G: You'll be fine. You've never skydived before; so you're nervous. That's part of the thrill.

N: Yeah, but, I always seem to find some way to bungle even the most obvious task.

G: Listen. You jump. You pull the cord. You fall. You land.

N: I know that, Gus, but it just seems like so many things could go wrong.

G: Nonsense, man. Nothing's going to go wrong. It's a perfect day for it. Your chute's been checked by three different experts. It will open; you'll land safely. I guarantee it.

N: Yeah, but that's not what I worry about. I usually screw up in ways that people don't even think about.

G: Like what?

N: Well, what if I miss the ground?

G: What!?

N: It's possible.

G: No, it's not. You jump, you land. Boom!

N: Could you not say "boom" when talking about landing?

G: Sorry. You'll hit the ground, Neville. It's very big.

N: Maybe, but what about birds?

G: What about them?

N: What if I run into them on the way down?

G: They will definitely do all they can to get out of your way, Neville. They don't want to get hit by you any more than you want to get hit by them. You're much bigger and more dangerous.

N: Not if it's like a whole flock of birds.

G: With what? Knives or something? Roving gangs of swallows, hovering around, waiting to stab the next sucker who drops by?

N: I just mean they might be bigger as a group.

G: Trust me: you have nothing to fear from the birds. Most of the really bad ones have already been arrested.

N: Well, what if I get stuck on a cloud then?

G: Neville, you're stalling. You just have to do it. You have to swallow the fear and jump.

N: I'm telling you. Something always goes wrong. I'm not meant for new experiences.

G: Then why did you sign up and take the course?

N: I thought... I thought, if I tried something truly life-threatening, it would force me to either succeed or die.

G: Jeez, Neville, most people just do it for the thrill.

N: Sorry. For me, for all the ways that I mess up, this has become much more than just a thrill. This is my existential proof. I will either be a success, or I will be dead. It forces the issue. There's no middle ground.

G: (pause) Oh... kay...

N: And you're right, Gus, you are completely right. I just have to do it.

G: Yeah. Yeah! Alright! That's it! Then go!

(Neville steps forward, slight pause, and jumps. He immediately ascends about six feet off the ground, and stops.)

G: What the...?! No! That's.... uhhhh....

(Gus stammers in disbelief, as Neville merely stays suspended, hanging limply and dejectedly)

N: (sighs mightily) Ah, shit.

(lights out)


May 27, 2007

Exactly Where My Diabolical Scheme Went Wrong

1. Dogged interference from a rag-tag group of meddling kids.

2. Set timer for 24 hours, although it only took a couple minutes to remove myself from the likely blast radius.

3. Mistakenly poisoned the metropolitan water supply on the day city workers flushed the main water lines.

4. Forget to recharge batteries of nuclear bomb's remote control detonation device.

5. Apparently, I can't fly, and I certainly can't fly stealthily under the cover of night.

6. All-around "Negative Nelly" sort of attitude.

7. Connected positive to positive, negative to nostril.

8. Spent way too much time laughing maniacally.

9. Sinus infection laid me low for a couple days during critical "evil genius" intimidation phase of operation.

10. Hit thumb with hammer. Twice.

11. Egregious costs overruns caused many financial backers to pull out.

12. Committee meetings resulted in too much talking and planning, not enough doing.

13. Didn't really fully "envision" success.

14. For some reason, told superheroes exactly what I was planning.

15. Used mail-order Acme Co. products for all phases of scheme, many did not function as promised.

(Dear Reader: Where have your diabolical schemes gone wrong? Perhaps by sharing some best practices, we can help each other succeed.)

What To Do If You Encounter A Severed Limb

Step 1: Ask yourself: Is it a tree limb? If "yes", continue on your way. If "no", go to step 2.

Step 2: Look around. Is there someone who seems to have recently lost a limb? If "no", then leave the limb alone. Other than previously attached to a person, you don't know where that severed limb has been. Report the severed limb to the proper authorities; they will assure that the severed limb's owner is properly fined. (Most states have severed limb licensing requirements.) If "yes", ask the person if that particular severed limb belongs to them. (Important: Use common sense here; meaning, don't ask a guy standing there with one arm and blood spurting from his other shoulder if the severed leg in the street happens to be his.) Go to step 3.

Step 3: Offer to reattach the severed limb for no money down, no interest and no payments for the next twelve months. If the individual refuses this offer, back away quickly - he or she is obviously insane to turn down such a great deal. If the individual accepts - and make sure you get the terms of the agreement in writing at this point - go to step 4.

Step 4: Reattach the severed limb and give the individual a receipt for services rendered. Keep a copy for your records. Go to step 5.

Step 5: Spend some time thinking about what you have just done. Ask yourself: Could I have done this better in any way? How can I be more effective when I encounter severed limbs in the future? Only through patient and honest evaluation of your performance can you expect to improve. Go to step 6.

Step 6: You did a good thing by reattaching a stranger's severed limb and truthfully examining your performance. Provided both of your arms have not been severed, take a moment to pat yourself on the back.

The Names of Colors That, as of This Writing, Do Not Exist

1. Freebert

2. Sipple

3. Whiskeybutter

4. Nurhon (name of a man who lives in Oklahoma, he does not take kindly to being confused with a color)

5. Lavenge

6. Purple, Jr.

7. Fourteen (actually a number, not a color)

8. Redrum

9. Chunkit

10. Orange v0.9.1 (lot of bugs, still in development)

11. Falalagalalia

12. Qhacktion

13. Internet (turns out it a series of tubes, not a color)

14. Turxanzity

15. Satan (not another shade of tan as originally theorized by color scientists in 1915)

16. Very Berry White

May 24, 2007

An Actual Conversation Between Actual Teenagers Actually Speaking: A Cry for Help

Person 1: Hey.

Person 2: Hey.

Person 1: Would you like to go to the mall?

Person 2: No.

Person 1: Oh. Okay.

Person 2: Yeah. I gotta go.

Person 1: Alright. See ya.

Person 2: Yeah. Bye.

(Dear Reader: This is an actual recorded conversation between two teenagers. My research has shown that it represents, with sparse variation, approximately 85% of all conversations between teenagers in America. Please help our teenagers realize that they can also talk about many other things - like going to the store or to the parking lot of the nearest fast food restaurant. It's in your hands, America. Please don't fail our teenagers in this way.)

A Few More Words You Don't Want To See In Condom Ads

1. Rusty

2. Sarcastic

3. Flag-waving

4. Jesus

5. Splintered

6. Wilty

7. Frozen

8. HabeƱero

9. Coma

10. Metaphorical

11. Mom

(Dear Reader: Please consult this page for a longer list. Add comments to either of the postings. What words would turn you away from purchasing a particular brand of condom?)

You Might Be a Redneck and What You Can Do About It

1. You are poor, uneducated, quick to anger and almost reactionary in your belief system. You are also the easy target of jokes; because, for unkown reasons, your neck is a scarlet-coated cylinder. Consult with a doctor for medical help and a social worker to see if your bizarre skin coloration is holding you back, and if there are any local support groups.

2. After a long day at the beach with insufficent sunblock, you realize that the back of your neck is horribly sunburned. Apply some aloe vera lotion. If skin blisters, you may want to see a doctor.

3. After eating seafood, you discover that you may be allergic. This has never happened before! Your face and neck start to break out in large clusters of red hives and your throat begins constricting. Get to a doctor immediately.

4. After a tough run, you haltimgly gasp to the finish line, increased blood flow in your surface capillaries causes your face and neck to appear quite red. Drink some water and keep walking around for a little while until your pulse slows, then do some light stretching.

5. You wake up. You go to work. You come home. You make supper. You clean up. You watch a movie or favorite television program. You get ready for bed. You read a book until you fall asleep. Everything is just as it always is; except your neck is red the whole time. If it isn't interfering with your daily functioning, there is no cause for alarm.

6. You frequently engage in sexual intercourse with your sister and your sister's sheep, and your neck is red. Please wear a condom, and keep an eye on the redness to make sure it doesn't change in appearance.

(Dear Reader: Are you a redneck? Do you need to see a doctor? Sure, we all do. Now, I'm not a doctor, but I play one on this blog. Tell me about your red neck in the comments section below.)

May 23, 2007

Ineffective Criticism with Effective Rephrasings

Ineffective: You call that being?
Effective: You call that existing?

Ineffective: Will you ever grow up?
Effective: At exactly what time tomorrow will you grow up?

Ineffective: Could you change who you are now?
Effective: Could you please change who you are now?

Ineffective: You suck!
Effective: You are not proficient in many ways that permeate your being.

Ineffective: Live!
Effective: Live, damn you! Liiiiiive!! (also helps to pound on the chest of whomever you are criticising at the moment)

Ineffective: Dumb ass!
Effective: Stupid butt!

Ineffective: Could you do that again, but better?
Effective: Don't suck as much this time.

(Dear reader: Please submit your own for everyone's perusal in the comments section, and make sure they are good... sorry, I meant to say, make sure they are good, or you will be executed.)

May 22, 2007

Where You Lost Your Keys

1. In your left hand. It's huge and craggy.

2. On your metal, key-patterned floor.

3. Inside your last prostitute. Was her name Candy? Roxy? Something like that.

4. In the mystical, magical land of Iwassofuckingdrunklastnight.

5. We're not sure, but we know we've narrowed it down to the general vicinity of Arizona, and it's highly unlikely that they're, like, in the Grand Canyon.

6. In your daughter's birthday cake.

7. They're actually not lost. They're hiding. That's different; because my keys are alive.

8. Inside the bra of that really hot girl sitting at the end of the bar. Seriously, dude, go check it out.

9. In your underwear, but that was intentional. I guess that means that they're not lost. Good for you!

(Dear Reader: Where exactly did you lose your keys, and can I borrow them for a little bit?)

What Was That Sound?

1. Probably nothing.

2. You screaming... inside a vacuum. You better believe you can hear it.

3. Not sure if the sound is related, but the smell is certainly that of a grizzly bear scorned.

4. Likely nothing.

5. One hand clapping, and my two hands flipping off your pretentious ass.

6. Ironically, it's the sound of both of your ears being torn from your head.

7. A tree falling in the woods and no one hearing it, except you, but that doesn't count because the tree crushed everything like a paper cup... a paper cup that happened to be filled with you.

8. Maybe nothing.

9. It's in your head; by which I mean, it's coming from inside your head and pissing off everyone around you.

10. The dam breaking, billions of gallons of water spilling over everything. The village! No! The village in the valley below! Watch out! Watch out! Run people! RUN!! No, wait... sorry, it was just me peeing on an ant hill again.

11. Potentially nothing.

12. The color green.

13. The tears of a clown, after you crush his spirits and his spine.

14. Your mother. She's just died from heartache; because you never call or write.

15. Hardly nothing.

16. Microwave popcorn. It's done! Quick! Ahh... shit, now it's burnt.

17. Likely something, since you'd have to be a complete idiot to think that a sound would be caused by nothing. I mean, even if it's only your imagination, it's still being caused by something.

18. A careless whisper. Taking down an entire empire of cards.

19. Could you describe the sound? Did it sound like a cranberry ripening, or was it more like a ripe cranberry becoming just slightly over-ripe?

May 16, 2007

Where I'll Be by the Time You Read This

1. Near death

2. Just around the corner from death

3. Visiting death in a minimum security prison

4. Sneaking out the side door with death's cute sister

5. Beating death, eight to the bar

6. East Glendale, Illinois

7. Riding death's coattails to yet another convincing electoral victory

8. Calling death's bluff - I can see he's out of aces

9. Detailing death's Camaro

10. Tearing death a new one

11. Thirteen nautical miles from the rocky coast of Death Island, visibility fading fast

12. Dying up here

13. Packing death's well-balanced lunch

14. Somewhere between "dead" and "deep shit" in the dictionary

15. Arby's

May 15, 2007

What You Shouldn't Put in Your Secret Family Recipe

1. Woodchuck

2. Paste

3. Rebar

4. Too much love (It is a family recipe, after all.)

5. Rosemary

6. A pedestrian right-of-way

7. Secret family members

8. Vanilla extract

9. Rosemary's baby

10. Clearly marked exits

11. A sense of joy and nostalgia

12. Wood chunks

13. Vanilla Ice extract

14. More than fifteen minutes of your valuable time, tops

15. Unspent plutonium fuel rods

16. Hastily conceived philosophical metaphors

17. Your butt

Top Secret Parts of the Chicken

1. Digital uplink port

2. Retractable knife-pen-tranquilizer dart gun combo-claw

3. Spicy buffalo wings

4. Tertiary "ass-brain"

5. Collapsible leg-a-scope / tie rack

6. Hidden funk gizzard (first discovered in the 1970s)

7. Lower beak sonar gland

8. Eggapult (female only)

9. Fo'c's'le

10. Trundle bed

11. Wallet containing only $1000 in traveller's checks and a cyanide capsule

May 14, 2007

These Are a Few of My Favorite Undead Things

1. Lesser Zombie Nuthatch

2. U.S. Senator Arlen Spectre

3. Vampirates

4. Poltergeishas

5. Sea Mummkeys

6. Draculatte

7. My Little Corpsy Dress-Me-Up / Bury-Me-Deep / Curse-My-Eternal-Slumber Three-Pack

8. Phanto-Mimes

Words Best Not Used in Condom Ads

1. Recycled

2. Woolen

3. Nostalgic

4. Gangrenous

5. Soluble

6. Pinchy

7. Organic

8. Quilted

9. Spermariffic

10. Disjointed

11. Wholly

12. Stipulated

13. Wubbulous

14. Acidic

15. Sharp

16. Neat-o

17. Digital

18. Tragic

19. Curried

20. Decaffeinated

21. Misconstrued

22. Hasty

23. Postmodern

24. Fresh-picked

25. Apathetic

26. Political

27. Sedimentary

28. Talkative

29. Reanimated

30. Populous

31. Metallic

32. Irradiated

33. Flammable

34. Crunchtastic

35. Frictionless

36. Sectarian

37. Golly

38. Hand-stitched

39. Paleolithic

40. Mistaken

41. Necrotic

42. Dissembling

43. Apprehensive

44. Shriveled

45. Ironic

46. Gourmet

47. Robotic

48. Nougaty

49. Petite

Pastimes Past Their Time

1. Tortoise polo

2. eVirtual cybertronic intercybering

3. Wiggity whacking

4. The electric clothesline

5. Writing full sentences

6. Gigglemongering

7. The Smallpox Shuffle

8. Bassball

9. Just having a shred of common human decency for Christ sake


11. Subatomic crochet - not to be confused with nuclear crochet, which is still very "of the day".

12. Community treelickings

13. Celebrity snickersnagging

15. Fourteen

16. Fortune chili

The Not-Quite-As-Deadly Sins

1. Hanging out

2. Sleepiness

3. Dislike

4. Counted cross stitch

5. Peckishness

6. Grumping around

7. Heavy tickling

8. Carp basting

9. Excessive itching

10. Lollygagging

11. Tomfoolery

12. Ice dancing

13. Bewilderment

14. Remixing

15. Glib buoyancy

16. Smittenism

17. Canada

18. Unwarranted ungulation

19. Cheese hurdling

What Else Jack White Is Thinking About Besides His Doorbell and When Ya Gonna Ring It, When Ya Gonna Ring It

1. His new car (When ya gonna ding it; when ya gonna ding it?)

2. His shampoo (When ya gonna rinse it; when ya gonna rinse it?)

3. His tennis racket (When ya gonna string it; when ya gonna string it?)

4. His puppy (When ya gonna housebreak it; when ya gonna housebreak it?)

5. His oil well (When ya gonna drill it; when ya gonna drill it?)

6. The lottery (When ya gonna win it; when ya gonna win it?)

7. His front entryway (When ya gonna repaint it; when ya gonna repaint it?)

May 13, 2007

More Knock Knock Jokes of the Damned

Joke #1

A: Knock. Knock.

B: Who's there?

A: It's customary to say "Hello."

B: It's customary to say "Hello" who?

A: It's customary to say "Hello" when you answer a knock on your door.

B: This is one of those cerebral jokes, right?

A: No, it's more a question of protocol. There's nothing funny about protocol.

Joke #2
A: Knock. Knock.

B: Who's there?

A: Asshole.

B: Asshole who?

A: You.

Joke #3
A: Knock. Knock.

B: Who's there?

A: Your wife.

B: Your wife who?

A: Your wife who lost her house keys.

B: I'm sorry, but I don't have a wife.

A: Honey, listen...

B: She left four years ago, promising never to return.

A: I know, honey. I'm sorry. We have a lot to work out.

B: I don't believe we'll be able to solve all of our problems in one knock knock joke.

A: You're probably right about that.

B: Should we tell another one?

A: I'd like that, yes.

Joke #4
A: Knock. Knock.

B: Who's there?

A: It's still me.

B: It's still me who?

A: It's still me, your estranged wife.

B: The one who left me four years ago, promising never to return?

A: Yeah, that's me.

B: And you think that was just some big knock kncok joke to me?

A: No...

B: I mean, that hurt. I was devastated!

A: I know, I...

B: And you think a couple knock knock jokes will erase that kind of pain?!

A: I just knocked. You're the one who said, "Who's there".

B: Typical... blame it all on me. You're the one who left!

A: Listen, this is not a very good joke any more.

B: Ohhh, I think I know that; I've known that for four years!

Joke #5
A: Knock. Knock.

B: (barely suppressed laughter) That rhymes with "cock cock"!

A: Dude! That's not how the joke goes.

B: (laughter) Oh man! "Goes"... that totally rhymes with "hos"!

A: Knock it off, man!

B: (laughter) You mean, "cock tit soft gland"?

A: (exiting) Fuck this.

B: (laughing and following A) Hey, hey! You meant "duck piss", right?! Right?!

Joke #6
A: Knock. Knock.

B: Who's there?

A: Long...

B: Long who?

A: ...pause.

(B looks confused; A shakes his head sadly)

Joke #7
A: Knock. Knock.

B: (enters talking on cell phone) Hold on... (to A) Who's there?

A: Jujubee

B: (on phone) Yeah... yeah... right, someone's here... I don't know... a jujubee something... yeah, I don't know, never seen him before... yeah, no... no... I'll ask... (to A) Jujubee who?

A: Jujubee talking on the phone when you have a guest at your front door?

B: (on phone) Yeah... did you hear that? Some smart ass... I know... I was... I was, you're right, I was talking to you first... I don't know... I wish I could install Joke-Waiting on my door... yeah, that would really help keep these clowns away... (walks away)

Joke #8
A: Knock. Knock.

(long pause)

A: Knock. Knock.

(long pause)

A: Knock. Knock.

(long pause, A shrugs shoulders and walks away)

Joke #9
A: Knock. Knock. Knock.

B: Wow! Some people really can't tell a joke, can they?

May 12, 2007

Dr. Seuss Characters That The Editors Rejected

1. Hurtle the Turtle

2. The Yuke of Upper Puke

3. The Boracious Voracious Tapeworm of Lower Anal Fissure

4. The Sour-Neck Sucker of Alla-da-dix

5. Alistair McFondle McCrotch

6. The Cat in the Cat

7. Fox in Detox

8. The Whorax

Convincing Arguments Politicians Use to Disprove Global Warming

1. Remember that one day last January? It was really, really cold!

2. So-called climate "scientists" cannot possibly know as much about global warming as that guy on talk radio.

3. Experts use doom-and-gloom statistical evidence to confuse you, rather than relying on the proven power of anecdotes.

4. You know who else thought the world was warming due to human influence? Hitler.

5. If polar bears are truly suffering, why haven't they lodged any official complaints?

6. A Thneed's a Fine-Something-That-All-People-Need!

7. Why would people in the business world ever want to manipulate consumer opinion?

8. Scientists operate out of narrow self-interest - without global warming, those who study the Earth and life would have nothing at all to research.

9. Global warming will allow for the opening of valuable shipping lanes to the lucrative Antarctic market.

10. Fucking Hippies.

11. Many ecological people still hypocritically consume resources like food and paper and electricity. Until they get serious, no one else should have to.

12. Throughout time, the Earth has gone through natural cycles of climate change leading to massive extinctions of most life. Why should we worry?

13. Those who are against global warming obviously favor the iceberg - the cold, heartless assassin of the Titanic.

14. Nature doesn't effect rich countries.

15. It's far more important to survive fiscally than physically.

16. I once knew a man who believed in global warming. You know where he is now? Dead.

17. Given time, global warming will fade from memory like those other formerly fashionable theories of evolution, gravity and clouds.

18. Even if global warming were true, we could always just build bigger outdoor air conditioners.

19. Postmodern, well-connected humanity is no longer subject to the vagaries of a primitive, out-of-touch environment.

20. La-la-la-la! I'm not listening! La-la-la!

21. In the Gospel according to John, the Lord clearly commands His followers to go forth and beat the ever-living shit out of all creation.

May 11, 2007

Proof That I'm Not Kidding This Time

1. Despite understated smirk, my unblinking stare betrays true meaning of what I'm saying.

2. Recent completion of courses in seriousness studies.

3. Las Vegas oddsmakers give 2-to-1 on serious intent.

4. Giggled, but had fingers crossed.

5. Ready, willing and able to count to three slowly, increasing volume as I go.

6. Scientific analysis of recent full-body x-rays have found not one kidding bone in my body.

7. Stand-up comedy routine at Captain Yuk-Yuk's was a dismal failure.

8. Have a signed and notarized Certificate of Unkiddingness.

9. Almost ninety percent willingness to turn this car around right now.

What Justifiably Arouses Your Paranoia

1. Your microwave: Is it irradiating your family, or is it just saying that to scare you?

2. The new neighbors: Have they mowed their lawn yet?

3. Today's Cryptoquiz in the paper: It made more sense before you solved it.

4. The State of Michigan: Did that upper part just move?

5. Your pants: Are they getting tighter and tighter and tighter by the minute?

6. The sun: It's definitely closer today.

7. Emotions: Those manipulative sons of bitches.

8. Blood: Doesn't it just coincidentally seem to be found in all murder victims?

9. Your heart: Should I be able to hear it beating from over here?

10. Fish: Still not talking, hey? Oh yeah? Well, we'll just see about that.

11. Prime numbers: The quiet, brooding loners of the number kingdom.

12. Corey Hart: Despite repeated warnings, still wears his sunglasses... at night!

13. Paranoia: Is it just me, or does it often make you paranoid?

14. Air: Why don't dead people breathe it? Do they know something we don't?

Articles Being Considered for Publication in This Month's Cosmopolitan

1. 14 Hot Tips for Hot Sex

2. Our Sexiest Sex Quiz Ever

3. Cosmo Cares: A Portrait of Anorexia

4. 25 Wild Ways to Drive Your Man Wild in Bed

5. Sex: What You Should Be Having Nonstop

6. New Positions to Drive Your Man Crazy in Bed

7. The Secret to Living Forever (Hint: It Involves Sex!)

8. Zuchini vs. Cucumber: You Can Also Eat Them

9. How to Endlessly Pursue (and Have Sex with) the Man of Your Dreams

10. Our Wildest Sexiest Sex Quiz Ever

11. Techniques to Drive Your Man Wild in Bed

12. Sex and Men: Is There a Link?

13. Techniques to Drive Your Man Wild near Bed

14. Are You a Sex Addict? Take Our Sexiest Sexy Sex Quiz and Find Out!

15. Techniques to Drive Your Man Wild in Any Given Bed

16. Buy All Our Advertisers' Products to Disguise the Fact That You Are a Disgusting Pig Who Doesn't Deserve to Have Hot Sex with Hot Men

17. Sex: It's Not as Important as Hot Sex

18. Darfur: International Crisis and Big Sexual Turnoff

19. Six Sexy Outfits for Sexy Sex

20. The Big O: The Perfect Orgasm and Why You Must Have It Now

21. Bulimia and Masturbation and Other Sexy Ways to Give Yourself the Finger

22. 33 Exotic Locations for Exotic Sex

23. Make Up: You Probably Need More for Super Hot Sex

24. Anosexia!

25. Our Culture's Fascination With Sex: A Look at What Drives Us (and What Drives Us Wild!)

26. Your Man Is Most Likely Not Good Enough

27. Are You Having Enough Sex: Take Our Sexy Sex Quiz and Find Out

28. Your Body Could Always Be Hotter

29. Inner Beauty and Other Myths

30. Breast Bet: Buying Your Daughter a Healthy Self Image

31. Are You Hypnotically Focused on Sex? Why Not, Damn You!?

Other Names for the Manatee

1. Walrus-Lite

2. The Swimming Bratwurst

3. Protofootball

4. The Legless-Hornless-Cow-of-the-Sea

5. Dolphin v0.9

6. Huge Shaved Wet Beaver

7. Mergrandpa

8. Deathstalker

9. Ol' Droopydrawers

10. Stanley

11. Dead Man Floating

12. Slowpedo

13. Mopeysaurus

14. Unlawful Enemy Combatant

15. Megajowls

16. Your Fat Uncle

17. Mr. Turdflippers

May 10, 2007

Made-up Drugs I Wish I Had Made-up So I Could Have Tried Them

1. Caramyl Nitrate

2. Kittymine

3. Sexinol

4. Jalapeno Chicken Poppers

5. Alcohol

6. Himoin (Heroin for today's man)

7. Cococaine

8. Youareincrediblybeautifulandsmartandeveryonelovesyouphetamine

9. Jumpin' Crack Flash

10. Exhalants

11. Oprahium

12. Tobaccovision

13. Asteroids (for doubling butt performance and for the Atari 2600)

14. Hilarijuana

15. Angelfood Dustcake

Take-Home Messages from My Children's Story about the Casket Industry

1. In America, we have the right to be comfortable when dead.

2. It's a cool underground fort.

3. Parents who love their children very much buy them really expensive caskets.

4. They are not called "coffins".

5. Jesus loves you more when you are wrapped up like a Christmas present for him.

6. Be sure to request casket models which come with free lifetime subscriptions to all the best video game services.

7. Cremation is for the devil and sissies.

May 9, 2007

Knock Knock Jokes of the Damned

Joke #1

A: Knock. Knock.

B: Who's there?

(A makes annoyed coughing noise)

B: Who's there?

(A rolls his eyes)

B: Who's there?

A: Listen. There isn't a door here. You can see me. You know who it is. It's your friend, A.

B: Fuckin' A?

A: No, just regular old A.

B: Oh, hey, how's it going?

Joke #2
A: Knock. Knock.

B: What do you want?

A: Umm, I want to relate to you my first name, which will compel you to ask for further clarification, at which point I will repeat my first name and add a second or last name or phrase that when said in conjunction with my first name can be made to be a part of a longer sentence or phrase within which it will have a humorous meaning usually made by sounding similar to the words that that phrase or sentence would typically contain.

B: What does this cost?

A: Only fifteen dollars!

B: Not bad. I'll take two.

A: Great!

Joke #3
A: Knock. Knock.

B: Who's there?

A: Jesus.

B: Jesus who?

A: Jesus Christ, your Lord and Savior.

B: Holy shit! Really?!

A: Swear to God.

B: Jesus Christ?

A: Yep.

B: Jesus Christ!

A: Whoa! Relax, pal.

B: So, does your middle name really start with an 'H'?

A: That's a common misconception.

Joke #4
A: Knock. Knock.

B: Who's there?

A: Who would you like to be there?

B: Aristotle.

A: (pause) Ummm... would he ever have worn a chicken suit?

B: No.

A: Then I'm probably whichever other ancient philosopher wore a chicken suit.

Joke #5
A: Knock. Knock.

B: Who's there?

A: When you open the door I'm going to shoot you in the face

B: When you open the door I'm going to shoot you in the face who?

A: When you open the door I'm going to shoot you in the face twice.

(Door opens. Two shots are fired.)

Joke #6
A: Knock. Knock.

B: Who's there?

A: Due to statutes contained deep within the Patriot Act we are not required to reveal the identity of the agency for whom we are making this visit.

B: Due to statutes contained deep within the Patriot Act we are not required to...

(Door is kicked in. B is quickly subdued and dragged off to prison where he is held for five years without charges.)

Joke #7
A: Knock. Knock.

B: Who's there?

A: This knock knock joke.

B: This knock knock joke who?

A: This knock knock joke that I just told you.

Joke #8
A: Knock. Knock.

B: Who's there?

A: You're the asshole.

B: You're the asshole who?

A: You're the asshole who stole my wallet out of my locker at the gym.

(Fight ensues.)

Joke #9
A: Knock. Knock.

B: Who's there?

A: Wouldn't it more properly be "Whom is there?"

B: I've often wondered that same thing, but it doesn't sound right; does it?

A: No. No. Not quite.

B: Odd.

May 8, 2007

Proper and Improper Usage of Quotation Marks


1. To enclose the title of an article, book chapter or short written work.
2. To indicate ironic context in the use of a word, phrase or sentence.
3. To set off words spoken by characters within writing.
4. To establish that a word is referring to itself as a word within a given written context.
5. To denote feet (single quote) and inches (double quote) in measurement, or minutes (single quote) and seconds (double quote) in cartography and geography.


1. To enclose a beautiful wild animal.
2. To indicate ironic context in the use of an entire book.
3. To set off words spoken by actual people in your daily life by constantly making air quotes around the mouth of anyone speaking to you as soon as they say anything.
4. To encourage egotistical words that just love referring to themselves every chance they get.
5. To denote feet and inches in measuring the human capacity to love - this trivializes and / or over-sexualizes the concept.
6. To throw like very tiny boomerangs.
7. To start a fire.
8. To bludgeon innocents.
9. To mobilize into a massive punctuational army bent on world domination.

Special Note: If the word "word" appears as quoted by someone quoting someone else who used it in an ironic reference to "word" itself being a word, please stop. Grammar scientists continue to work around the clock to find the proper quotational sequence to set off such an occurrence.

May 7, 2007


1. Professor Butler
2. The concierge - he was filling in for the butler that day
3. Tom - in butler grad school, did it for his thesis
4. The waitress - married to a butler
5. Nigel - considered by many to be a butler's butler
6. Butler University
7. That loner who has a fascination for power tools and clown make-up

May 6, 2007

Diseases That Might Be Fun To Have

1. Scrumdilliosis
2. Savage Hot Loins (not to be confused with Beaver Fever)
3. Comfy Sleeping Sickness
4. Ferriswheelorrhea
5. Cholerabook
6. Standing Ovation (The Clap x 1000)
7. French Kissing Disease
8. Dippin'doththeria
9. Mellow Yellow Fever (Quite Right disease)
10. Parotitties
11. Togapartyvirus
12. Sillyphilis
13. Whoopee Cough
14. St. Vitas Danceteria
15. Stereonucleosis
16. Pizzalalia
17. Conspicuous Consumption
18. Coolitis
19. Kung Fu Grippe
20. Hotulism
21. Vegetarianism
22. Syndromitis Diseasiosis
23. Beriberiboberibananafanafoferimemimomeriberi
24. Ninjataxia
25. Funkypox

May 5, 2007

Possible Titles For The Next James Bond Movie

1. Dr. No Thank You
(007 infiltrates a charm school run by high society matrons bent on world domination.)

2. The Man with the Golden Finger, Gun and Eye
(007 races to disarm a half-blind madman with a non-functioning pistol and trigger finger who is somehow still bent on world domination.)

3. Never Never Never Ever Say Never Never Never Ever Again (Got It? I'm Serious This Time.)
(007 rushes to the aid of desperate and ineffectual parents of a cabal of cool middle school kids bent on world domination.)

4. Another Day Dies Tomorrow
(007 fights feelings of hopelessness as he slips into the pessimistic depths of a depressive episode bent on worldview domination.)

5. Casio Royale
(007 is mobilized to prevent everyone from hearing the hypnotizing sample melody programmed into all keyboards by a megalomaniacal synth-playing terrorist bent on world domination.)

6. Octo-octopussy
(007 beds sixty-four different femme fatales in a miraculously fruitless attempt to catch a ruthless sexually transmitted disease bent on world domination.)

7. Circle Yes or Yes
(007 goes undercover in Mrs. Pennyfield's sixth grade class to determine if Jane Ferring really likes Lucas Hawthorne or is, perhaps, bent on world domination.)

8. You Only Die Twice
(007 clashes with communist zombie armies reanimated by an unwavering underground undertaker bent on world domination.)

9. Bent on World Domination
(007 battles against every other human being on Earth in a desperate struggle to stop their collectivist plot to dominate the world.)

May 4, 2007

Pick-Up Lines You May Find Useful

1. I wish your name was the same as my e-mail account, then I'd know exactly how to log-in to you.

2. You can't spell "no emu day" without "you and me".

3. I've had sex with tons of people I barely knew; would you like to be part of that group?

4. My heart only has four chambers, but I'd like to add another one big enough for you to fit inside.

5. You're prettier than the prettiest sunset on the prettiest cold sore.

6. Your features compare favorably to those of several other items I currently hold in high esteem.

7. If you act now, you can have sex with me for three easy installments of $19.95 each, plus tax.

8. You're so hot! I bet you'd be hot even if you were dead!

9. Do you come here often? (If "yes", then ask "How often?"; "With whom?"; "For what purpose?"; "What is your average length of stay?"; and "Can you say all that again, speaking directly into this recording device?")

10. I'm not a porn star, but I play one in porn movies.

11. Hi, mom.

May 3, 2007

Death: Looking Good

Death is often your last chance to make a good impression. Don't mess it up by being unprepared or by letting it passively overtake you. Here are some pointers to keep in mind to assure that your death will continue to speak well of you long after you can no longer speak.

1. If being murdered, make sure you toss out a witty, nonchalant one-liner before you expire. Have this written down and recorded somewhere beforehand; label it appropriately. It will look mysterious but well-planned. (Make sure it isn't "Aww, shucks".)

2. Make sure the bass is pumping.

3. Hire James Earl Jones to read your will... in a castle... in the mountains... at midnight. Charge $100 a head for the general public.

4. Get new vanity plates for your car.

5. Have yourself bronzed, or, at least, sealcoated.

6. Make your obituary a palindrome.

7. Insist on pre-signing your death certificate.

8. Start a new fad in the monument industry by ordering a headstone, footstone and a midstone, located between the other two. The midstone should read "I'm with stupid" or have a picture of underwear etched into it.

9. Put sensors around your grave that, when tripped, play you saying "ouch".

May 2, 2007

Notes On Punching Up The Bible

1. Change snake to clever velociraptor.

2. Chase scenes!

3. Reduce number of eternal questions to one or two, max.

4. Show, don't tell.

5. Break down fourth wall.

6. Some tasteful nudity (preferably female).

7. Lose the flood. Not very believable.

8. Add rave scene.

9. Less begatting, more tense courtroom drama.

10. Jesus is a by-the-book rookie cop; Judas plays by his own rules - also, one week from retirement. Pair them up.

11. Surprising twist ending.