June 27, 2007

I'm Not Easy To Date

According to many reliable sources and one police report, I'm not the easiest man in the world to date. But, Brendon, you're asking, you know how to spell "very handsome", "wealthy" and "prodigiously endowed", which is the next best thing to being each, what's not to like? I have some guesses as to why I may sully so many perfectly-good relationships.

1. My wife frequently does not remind me to call my girlfriends back until a couple hours after one of them calls me.

2. Obsession with feedback means most dates are spent filling out and collating client satisfaction surveys.

3. Constantly "asking" date if her tits are real.

4. Most don't seem to appreciate that our dating does give me implicit permission to sell their dirty underwear on fetish auction websites.

5. Desire for open communication often leads to lengthy sessions spent reviewing video of past dates to show her where she could make improvements for future dates.

6. I eat scabs.

7. Sexual arousal between me and my date is often irreparably diminished while waiting for my wife to wake up and move to the sofa.

8. I keep forgetting that mandatory drug testing is no longer done by taste alone.

9. Many of my dates don't understand the complex legal issues involved in dating a serial killer who has been freed under the state's new sex-release program.

10. My fees are, perhaps, too high for most.

11. Apparently, I should wait until the second date to introduce the fourteen-inch dildo.

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