December 29, 2007

Reasons Why You Should Not Attend "Sex With Seven Women"

1. You frequently have sex with eight or more women and don't want to take that kind of cut in your action.

2. You want to buy tickets online, but the internet killed your dog. So, you refuse to interact with it any longer.

3. We should always be striving to advance the arts and culture by constantly redoing classic plays by classic playwrights.

4. You celebrate the show's performance dates, Friday, January 11 and Saturday, January 12, as your own sacred, personal, but national, holidays.

5. Ten dollars is too much for sex with seven women; usually you only pay six.

6. You believe women should not be allowed to have sex as it is distasteful and, often, beneath them.

7. You have grave concerns that the show may not have enough hardcore content to appease your rarefied tastes.

8. You are sick and tired of supporting local arts organizations that have the gall to support local artists.

9. The play uses the unfortunate word "sex" in the title when it would have sounded so much better were it called "Consensual Physical Intimacy With Seven Women."

10. Turns out, you have to both wake up before 8 p.m. and get off your ass to make it to the Northfield Arts Guild theater for the show.

11. It represents the first time sex or sexuality has ever been used in writing, much less, script writing - marking the exact point at which Western Civilization began collapsing.

12. You're more into extreme theater and are holding out for next year's proposed "Anal Sex With Seventeen Women."

13. You are too dainty.

14. The play might convince you that the mythical beast called "Human Sexuality" is real after all.

15. You're worried that Shakespeare's royalties will decrease too much as a result of theater funds being funneled to this production.

16. Why should you have to pay to see a fundraising play for a local arts organization when they already are rich beyond belief from their long-term involvement with corrupt, monied Big Theater interests in this country?

17. Art is terrifying unless it's old and comfortable.

18. Stick is so far up your ass it impedes sitting in theater chairs.

19. The point of art has never been and must never be to challenge anyone.

(Full disclosure: The internet has only ever threatened my dog. The stick up my ass is comfortably ensconced, thank you very much.)


Incidentally, if you think this blog is simply the most awesome of all Northfield blogs, vote for it here...

If you don't think so, then vote for it here anyway.

December 28, 2007

What I Said That Really Killed the Party

1. Everyone stop! I'm missing a couple of my anthrax spores.

2. Luckily, the doctor said it's contagious between two people, and I'm only one person.

3. Has anyone seen my scab? I last scratched it when I was near the nachos.

4. I must contend that this party is merely a social construct, and, on some level, occurs only because we believe it occurs. Or have you not read your Berger?

5. This is the first party I've attended since releasing myself from prison.

6. I'll bet you twenty bucks I can fuck that hot German Shepard over there.

7. I feel it's crucial that I get out and associate with all you little people a couple times every year; it keeps everything in perspective for me.

8. Okay, who pissed in the punch before I had a chance to?

9. I wish the host had invested in an industrial-strength plunger.

10. No, I wasn't coming on to you; I meant: "Have you seen my penis?" As in, it was just in my pants, but now?

11. That should burn real easy.

12. What it comes down to is this: my word against a fifth-grader's. Who you gonna believe? A man who's already paid his debt to society or some eleven-year old floozy?

13. Oh, you mean this machine gun? I just use it for squirrel hunting and stuff.

14. It's been a bad month; I had to fire the pilots for all of my private jets when they decided to ask for health insurance.

15. ...and then for my fourth suicide attempt...

16. I know it doesn't look infected, but it sure smells like it. Take a sniff.

17. The problem with most cannibals is they overplay the whole recluse-loner angle. The way I figure it, you gotta meet 'em to eat 'em. That's what sets me apart.

18. I can menstruate on cue. Watch!

19. I'm both a mime and a ventriloquist.

December 26, 2007

Guilty! A Complete List of the Names of...

1. Nathaniel Sullied

2. Mo Lester

3. Linda "The Child Gourmet" Johnson

4. Emma Bezzle

5. Terrance Liable

6. Ellie Gal

7. Douglas Defenseless

8. Ann Deight

9. Stabby Jones

10. Optimus Subprime

11. Patterson G. Crimedoer

12. Ashley Killingspree

13. Lilly Plotkin, the Excessive Tickler

14. R. Sun

15. Edward Murderhands

December 25, 2007

The Names of the Innocent (A Complete List)

1. Ted and Joan Immaculate

2. Acton B. Righteous

3. Stacy the Licit

4. Humphrey N. Clear

5. Reginald of Virginal-upon-Pure

6. Brad Notguilty

7. Catherine the Upstanding

8. Frank Inculpable, Jr.

9. Prince Tetmar of Irreproachablistan

10. Stainless Jane

11. Betsy Neatybutt

12. Bob the Unoffensive

13. Sir Petridge Standiforth Horatio Faultless, OBE

14. Ms. Abigail Oft-Decorous

December 23, 2007

Just Some of the Many Fun CIA "Enhanced Interrogation" Techniques You Haven't Yet Heard About

Yippee for enhanced interrogation! The CIA never tires of asking questions. Sometimes, if you're visiting with the CIA and you don't hear a question, they have to enhance it by speaking with better diction or with greater volume or with upside-down drowning-simulation play or with longer stretches of shackled, enforced standing or with sexy, wet, naked time in a very cold room.

Little did I know, until someone shipped me this really funny home video the other day, there are many other types of enhanced interrogation that can be used to help a guest open up and tell you a little about him- or herself.

This video taught me so much. Here are just some of the ways the CIA, and, by extension, you, can help that shy friend or detainee share what's on their mind.

1. Tear out his heart and show it to him. Tell him you won't give it back until he stops being so coy.

2. Heavy, heavy, heavy petting.

3. Tell your friend or perpetually-housed, uncharged guest that you just won't speak to him until he is willing to be more emotionally vulnerable and trusting with you.

4. An infinite, very loud, thirty-second yodeling loop.

5. Something called "blender fondling". Your guest won't know what it is, but neither do you.

6. Promise to increase the size of his penis - one abrupt, violent yank at a time.

7. Blow fart noises on your pal's naked tummy and then say "Who's a cutie-wutie? Who's a good, widdle awweged terrowist enemy combatant?" Repeat.

8. When he answers a question, be sure to follow up with a quick "You sure?"

9. Make him watch television. Cover floor with lye and tacks. Lay friend on the floor. Place sixty-inch flat screen television directly on your guest's face. Turn it to the station of his choice.

10. Instead of "Good Cop / Bad Cop", you and a fellow curious investigator can play "Good CIA Agent / Really Good CIA Agent Who Happens to Have a Cattle Prod in His Hand" with your buddy.

11. You catch more flies with honey; so shove progressively larger jars of honey up his ass until he decides he just might have a few things he'd like to chat about.

December 21, 2007

Though I Am Reticent, I Feel That I Must Now Sex You In Some Manner. How About...

1. Like burnt honey on the crumbly, dry toasted end-piece of infinite pleasure?

2. Like a hydraulic drill press that is stuck in the "on" position?

3. Like a train that keeps going into the tunnel, then backing up, and then going into the same damn tunnel again, and then backing up, and never really, you know, getting anywhere?

4. Like a sparkler held aloft by a little girl on the Fourth of July and waved around, and... hey! Stop focusing on the little girl part of the metaphor alright. That's not what I meant! It could be a little boy or a dog or... ahhh, knock it off! You're twisting my words! It's a metaphor, that's all, mainly the sparkler part... maybe without the actual white hot flame, but more of the idea of a figurative white hot flame. Like that?

5. Like a flesh-eating virus that gets inside you and just eats you all up, because it loves you so much?

6. Like a tube of toothpaste that is actually shaped more like a penis and instead of toothpaste is filled with semen and also happens to be attached to my groin?

7. Like a vaginal tornado, or, at least, a strong, sub-uterine, low pressure system?

8. Like a cherry bomb without the resulting tissue damage?

9. Like the warm wool sock of satisfaction?

December 19, 2007

I Gots Trouble...

... in a bag.

... and I will trade it in for sorrow.

... in my lower back and lower ass.

... with your attitude.

... eating possum feet.

... trapped against the leeward side of the ol' Brinston ridge o'er yonder.

... under the stairs.

... only after have been gottens by this same trouble.

... and we should be back around ten-thirty tonight.

... with your altitude.

... finding trouble.

... sexing you all freaky-style.

... ocsking and riwtering.

... locating the United States on a map of America.

... and I will not release it until my demands are met.

... with your oafish manners, good sir.

... with my one-man military coup.

... with your aptitude.

... with unintentionally swallowing trees.

... feeding my cat to the neighborhood children.

... with my one-man musical about my successful one-man military coup.

... promulgating synergies for properful effectivization of my businessish, managementical leadershipings.

... pregnant.

... in the microwave.

... somewhere near River City.

... infinity.

... with your amplitude.

... in trouble.

... with verbs that may of may not ends in 's's. Eses? Esses? S-es? Do you sees? Now I gots an additionals trouble? Oh crap! Now anothers!

December 18, 2007

The Secret, Unreleased Findings of the Special Investigator's Report to the Northfield City Council

The long-awaited, oft-debated, much-inflated Special Investigator's Report has hit the fine City of Northfield like a ton of special investigation and reporting.

Who has been the naughty boy?

The Mayor?

The City Administrator?

The City Council?

That other guy?

In a special, secret report, released only to this reporter's brain, the Special Investigator makes it clear that there's plenty 'nuff blame to go around.

On with the spankings!

By which I mean conclusions!

In the report!

Of the Special Investigator!

1. In June of this year, the Mayor asked the City Administrator if he had a quarter so the mayor could get a nice, cold can of Orange Fanta from the pop machine. The City Administrator said "No." In a thorough review of municipal documents, this investigation has revealed that the city administrator not only had a quarter, he had, at the time, one quarter, three dimes and two nickels - essentially, two quarters - in his right hand pocket.

2. The "Secret Knock" requirement to enter the Mayor's office has become increasingly exclusionary and a detriment to an effective and open democratic process.

3. Fridays will remain "Free Bubblegum Day" in the council chambers provided no additional chewed wads are discovered improperly adhered to the undersides of city property.

4. The investigator has reached the conclusion that the city council, either acting in whole or in part, shall not be allowed to have a pet gerbil at this time. Issues regarding the cleaning of the cage, proportionate playing time, and proper veterinary care have not been satisfactorily resolved since last month's unfortunate blow-dryer incident with John North, Jr., the council's ex-guinea pig.

5. This investigation has revealed a startling lack of clarity in the City Administrator and Mayoral roles regarding the stewardship of the city's karaoke machine. Further review by the city's Party Machine Committee is strongly recommended, particularly as it relates to the sensitive "I Will Survive" exclusivity rights currently claimed by both officials.

6. All available evidence leads this investigation to uphold the long-standing requirement that council members and city staff may disregard the decisions of the council that have been reached by a super majority of councilor's votes unless that requirement is overridden by a super majority.

7. The Mayor is hereby charged to reduce the frequency with which he uses "that scowly face" during council meetings.

8. The investigator has yet to reach a conclusion on the final issue, but, within the next two to three weeks, it is expected that a full addendum will be available detailing exactly who tried to fax a piece of sausage pizza on May 14th.

How to Roll

Step 1. Get really fat.

Step 2. Remove feet.

Step 3. Remove legs.

Step 4. Remove arms.

Step 5. Stitch your hands back onto where your arm sockets were. This just looks funny, okay?

Step 6. Ask the first person that come along the following question: Please don't be alarmed, but could you please remove my head and then push me down a hill?

Step 7. Don't take "no" for an answer.

Step 8. Not that you'd have any choice, you porky legless, hand-shouldered blob. I mean, what are you going to do, chase the person down if they refuse to remove your head?

Step 9. You should have thought of that before you got fat, removed your legs and sewed your hands to your arm sockets.

(NB: Duh! You make me sick!)

How to Rock

Step 1. Lay down.

Step 2. Let time elapse.

Step 3. Continue to let time elapse.

Step 4. Allow the wind and rain and driving dust of a million days wash over you.

Step 5. Allow minerals to leach through your flesh.

Step 6. Allow the dust and dirt to peel away.

Step 7. Wake up to a brand new world.

Step 8. Presto!

(NB: Wear a jacket. It gets cold after a few hundred thousand years or so.)

December 17, 2007

How to Be Even More Zen

Step 1. Repeat.

(NB: Repeat.)

How to Be More Zen

Step 1.

Step 2.

Step 3.

Step 4.

Step 5.

Step 6.

Step 7.

Step 8.

Step 9. Repeat.

(NB: Always.)

How to Have Sex without Furniture

Step 1. Find someone else.

Step 2. Find an empty room with a green screen.

Step 3. Bring the other person there.

Step 4. Position other person in front of green screen.

Step 5. Start the video camera.

Step 6. Have sex with the other person.

Step 7. At what seems to you to be an appropriate ending point, stop having sex.

Step 8. Stop the video camera.

Step 9. Stand around awkwardly until the other person gets the point and leaves.

Step 10. Lock door behind the other person.

Step 11. Digitally overlay sex footage with a green-screened background of furniture, lots and lots of glorious furniture.

Step 12. Imagine that you actually just had sex with the furniture instead of the other person.

Step 13. Ahhhhh yeaaaaahhh...

(NB: Also works with real furniture provided you don't bother with the other person, although it requires considerably more romancin' on your part.)

December 14, 2007

How to Have Sex with Furniture

Step 1. You must work on yourself above all else.

Step 2. Ask yourself if you're looking for a committed human/furniture relationship.

Step 3. If not, seek out furniture that looks like it's ready for some purely physical intimacy.

Step 4. Invite that piece or those pieces of furniture over for supper.

Step 5. Put on some romantic music.

Step 6. Prepare supper, preferably a nice mixture of sweet and succulent.

Step 7. Get the furniture just a little tipsy.

Step 8. Flatter the furniture. Does it look nice in that slipcover? Then tell it that it does.

Step 9. Caress the furniture.

Step 10. Take that furniture to bed; unless it is a bed, then you're already there.

Step 11. Ahhhh yeaaaaahh...

(NB: Baby, why ya gotta be like that? You know I luv ya. Course I do! Now, let's see what's under that cushion.)

(NB#2: Please use protection; any of the reputable stain-guard brands should do.)

How to Start a Checking Account

Step 1. Make sure checking account has ample supply of money or dollars or both.

Step 2. Prime interest rate.

Step 3. Consult with banking official about whatever.

Step 4. Collect requisite multiple copies of glossy, colorful banking pamphlets about the life decision you are about to make that will enable you and your life partner and family and golden retrievers and even gerbils to jaunt and cavort in various bucolic environments - lakes, backyards, fields, minivans, anonymous country scenes - enjoying your riches in ways that would not have been possible without the tender care of a financial institution or the monetary instruments that you are about to start.

Step 5. Insert key into checking account.

Step 6. Turn key clockwise while stepping on cash.

Step 7. Roll away in your glorious new checking account.

Step 8. Sit back and wait for the life of step 4 to commence.

(NB: Do not ask the bank where it keeps the families pictured in the pamphlets. The bank does not appreciate such an inquiry.)

December 13, 2007

How to Be a Drug Dealer

Step 1. Find six or seven babies.

Step 2. Sit babies around table.

Step 3. Take their drink orders.

Step 4. Serve drinks.

Step 5. Shuffle drugs.

Step 6. Deal drugs, one at a time, drug-side down, to each baby.

Step 7. Play begins on the drug dealer's left.

Step 8. Play continues, clockwise, until one baby is all out of drugs.

Step 9. Collect drugs.

Step 10. Shuffle and deal again.

(NB: Can also be played in a sudden-death variation in which the winner is the first to suddenly die. Those who die gradually do not win. Make sure no baby is wearing a wire, as wires pose a strangulation risk for babies. The first round is free.)

How to Win at Blackjack

Step 1. Install tiny video camera in cute baby.

Step 2. Sit baby next to you at blackjack table.

Step 3. During particularly big game, shout out: "Hey! This cute baby's cheating!"

Step 4. During the ensuing scuffle between the baby and casino security, make off with all the money.

Step 5. Buy new tiny video camera.

Step 6. Find another cute baby that plays blackjack.

Step 7. Convince that baby to cheat.

Step 8. Install tiny video camera in that baby.

Step 9. Find a new casino.

(NB: Also works for roulette, although not very well.)

How to Skin a Cat

Step 1. Find a very fleshy baby.

Step 2. Remove baby's heart.

Step 3. Remove baby's extra skin.

Step 4. Elevate baby above baby's heart to slow bleeding.

Step 5. Apply tourniquet to baby to stop bleeding completely.

Step 6. Glue newly-removed skin to cat.

Step 7. Pet new, smooth cat.

(NB: Don't tie tourniquet too tightly, as it may hurt the baby.)

How to Have Good Luck

Step 1. Find a snake.

Step 2. Rub baby.

Step 3. Harder.

Step 4. Harder.

Step 5. Keep rubbing.

Step 6. Enjoy your good luck.

(NB: Ask yourself: Am I rubbing this baby hard enough? Watch out for snakes.)

December 12, 2007

How to Start a War

Step 1. Find a foreign baby.

Step 2. Convince everyone that this baby was recently spotted trying to purchase uranium from a Nigerian maternity ward.

Step 3. Make sure everyone understands that this baby is a massive chemical weapon.

Step 4. Create a document which links the massive chemical weapon's diaper manufacturer to a person who looks like someone who knows someone who may have committed an atrocious terrorist act in your country.

Step 5. Bomb country where the baby lives.

Step 6. Repeat.

Step 7. Win re-election with constant reminders of dangerous babies.

(NB: It may help to draw a sinister mustache on the baby.)

How to Drive Defensively

Step 1. Get in car.

Step 2. Entice international criminals, drunks, CIA agents or Lutherans to chase you.

Step 3. Slow down.

Step 4. Wait for their car to get very close to yours.

Step 5. At the precise moment when the criminal, drunk, agent or Lutheran is going to ram your car, or shoot you, or shame you with a rigorous scowl and finger wave, press the "Baby Slick" button on the secret under-dashboard retractable panel.

Step 6. Accelerate.

Step 7. Laugh in glee watching your pursuer spin out of control on the slippery rabble of babies that shot out of the baby slick nozzle on your rear bumper.

Step 8. Restock your vehicle's baby slick reservoir when you get back home.

(NB: Keep babies well-fed; fat babies provide less traction.)

How to Paint a House

Step 1. Find a house.

Step 2. Subdue house to prevent it from suddenly moving about.

Step 3. Affix paint sprayer attachment to most any baby.

Step 4. Fill baby with paint.

Step 5. Squeeze baby hard for maximum uniformity of coverage.

Step 6. In corners and along seams, tickle baby for more precise application.

Step 7. Let paint dry.

Step 8. Apply second coat.

Step 9. Rinse baby.

(NB: Again, do not use lead-based paint, as it may cause the baby undue harm. Some babies, however, may also be allergic to latex-based paints. Please ask baby before filling.)

How to Be Evil

Step 1. Find a baby.

Step 2. Teach that baby to be the most popular baby around.

Step 3. Staple this popular baby to your face.

Step 4. Attend many parties.

Step 5. Frequently point out that you have a popular baby stapled to your face.

Step 6. Make friends with all the right people.

Step 7. Influence people.

Step 8. Then tell people what you really think about them.

(NB: Bonus evil points if you remind people that god is a figment of their imagination designed by humans to control each other with the promise of a lollipop if you're good. People hate being reminded about that.)

How to Be Popular

Step 1. Find a baby.

Step 2. Teach that baby to be the most popular baby around.

Step 3. Staple this popular baby to your face.

Step 4. Attend many parties.

Step 5. Frequently point out that you have a popular baby stapled to your face.

Step 6. Make friends with all the right people.

Step 7. Influence people.

(NB: You can add to your popularity by duct taping two other popular babies to your hands. Always smile, because you've got the cutest little stapled-babyface.)

December 11, 2007

How to Pop a Zit

Step 1. Find zit.

Step 2. Insert air nozzle into zit.

Step 3. Pump the pump.

Step 4. Once zit has reached 35 psi, stop pumping the pump.

Step 5. Remove air nozzle.

Step 6. Find baby.

Step 7. Sharpen baby to a fine, needle-like point.

Step 8. Throw sharp end of baby at inflated zit.

Step 9. Wash baby and zit blast zone.

(NB: Zits can be found on skin - yours or someone else's. Sharp babies may cause injury; wear safety goggles.)

How to Safely Cliff Dive

Step 1. Find a cliff.

Step 2. Locate water at base of cliff.

Step 3. Climb cliff.

Step 4. Tie one baby to another to start a babychain.

Step 5. Continue tying babies together until babychain is long enough to reach water.

Step 6. Baby by baby, slowly lower babychain into water.

Step 7. Raise babychain out of water and to the top of the cliff.

Step 8. Inspect how many babies are wet.

Step 9. If at least six babies are completely wet, the water is deep enough for diving.

Step 10. Slowly lower the babychain into the water again.

Step 11. Secure uppermost baby of babychain to the top of the cliff.

Step 12. Dive.

Step 13. Use babychain to ascend cliff for future dives.

(NB: Please don't pollute - take your babychain home when done diving. The world record cliff dive was 179.4 babies high. Please use sun screen and watch for crosswinds. Good luck.)

How to Perform the Heimlich Maneuver

Step 1. Find or make someone choke on something.

Step 2. Find a baby.

Step 3. Throw or otherwise maneuver the baby at or around the choking victim.

Step 4. Name the baby "Heimlich".

Step 5. Ask choking victim if she or he would like to see the maneuver again.

Step 6. Repeat until victim doesn't want to see it any longer.

Step 7. Find or create new choker.

(NB: Make sure Heimlich is not choking on something; otherwise you would have to find a secondary baby, then you would have two babies named Heimlich. Too cute and too confusing.)

How to Win the Lottery

Step 1. Find a lottery.

Step 2. Paint all the lottery numbers on a wall.

Step 3. Throw baby at wall numbers.

Step 4. Record which number the baby hits, or comes closest to hitting - use your best judgment.

Step 5. Threaten to continue throwing baby at wall unless they let you win the lottery.

Step 6. Invest winnings conservatively.

Step 7. Responsibly report winnings on your taxes.

(NB: Lotteries are often found in gas stations. Do not use lead-based paint as it could harm the baby. May require more than one baby.)

Some of my other sound advice:
Some other recent posts for your pleasure:
HERE ARE ALL 366 PLAYS that I wrote in 366 DAYS:

How to Eat a Lobster

Step 1. Find ocean.

Step 2. Hover above ocean.

Step 3. Call out "Here lobsty, lobsty, lobsty".

Step 4. Grab lobster when it leaps out of water at your siren song.

Step 5. Boil water.

Step 6. Throw lobster in water.

Step 7. Cry at its pained, mournful screams.

Step 8. Put cooked lobster on plate.

Step 9. Throw baby at plate.

Step 10. Instruct baby to eat lobster.

Step 11. Eat baby.

Step 12. Wash hands.

Step 13. Cleanse soul.

Step 14. Find a different ocean where the lobsters won't suspect the danger disguised in your enchanting call.

(NB: You can also wash your hands before eating the baby. It shouldn't really matter.)

December 10, 2007

How to Change a Flat Tire

Step 1. Get a flat tire.

Step 2. Remove spare tire from trunk.

Step 3. Remove spare baby from under seat.

Step 4. Teach baby how to change a flat tire.

Step 5. Throw baby at flat tire.

Step 6. Replace baby under seat.

(NB: Make sure vehicle has stopped completely before throwing baby at flat tire.)

How to Beat Cancer

Step 1. Buy firecracker.

Step 2. Buy cute baby.

Step 3. Distract cancer by exploding the firecracker.

Step 4. Throw baby at cancer.

Step 5. Instruct baby to destroy cancer.

Step 6. Return baby. Full refund if within thirty days.

Step 7. Break for lunch.

(NB: Do not attempt to return firecracker. Does not work on all cancers, just the distractable ones.)

How to Save a Drowning Man

Step 1. Ask man if he is drowning.

Step 2. Wait for answer.

Step 3. Throw cute baby at man.

Step 4. Instruct baby to pull man to safety.

Step 5. Dry baby.

Step 6. Receive payment from drowning man (cash only).

Step 7. Push man into water again.

Step 8. Blame the baby.

(NB: Does not work for drowning women.)

How to Disarm an Attacker

Step 1. Hold up cute baby.

Step 2. Wait for attacker to say "ahhhhh".

Step 3. Throw baby into attacker's face.

Step 4. Instruct baby to chew off attacker's arms.

Step 5. Clean baby.

Step 6. Reload.

Step 7. Patiently wait in the bushes for the next attacker to come along.

(NB: Also works with fluffy kitties.)

December 9, 2007

All the Awesome Aspects of Anorexia

1. Rhymes with 'anosexia'.

2. Bones are way hotter than flesh.

3. No one likes you, and anorexia means there's less of you for them to dislike.

4. In advanced stages, it's a built-in defense against physical assault charges.

5. Also, in advanced stages, it's a built-in defense against being sexually assaulted.

6. You have several letter openers on each hand.

7. Decreased demand for food means lower prices for everyone else.

8. It's like a "Build-Your-Own Disability" kit.

9. Should your house start on fire, it would be much easier to toss you out the window to safety.

10. None of that gross vomiting like those sicko bulimics.

11. Teaches you how to set a goal and go for it.

Some Thoughts I Have Had Upon Entering the Shower

1. I do so like ham.

2. I think I've been here before.

3. This would be more fun if my shower had the internet... the interwetnet.

4. Ham is very, very tasty.

5. Whoops, should've taken my clothes off first.

6. So glad I put in that mirrored floor, really helps for precision cleaning of the undercarriage.

7. Wait a second, if I shower in my clothes, I can do some laundry and clean up at the same time.

8. I have to find somewhere else to cook supper.

9. Hey, ladies. I'm back.

10. I wish this shower were made out of ham.

11. If I put this in my closet, I can do all my laundry, get clean, and scrub the floor with my soapy feet.

12. I never should have made this shower out of yarn.

13. I have to find somewhere else to store that carcass.

14. Ah crap! Is it lather, rinse, repeat or some other order? Man, if this shower had the internet, I could find the answer on

15. I wonder if anyone makes a ham-based yarn?

16. I have to find somewhere else to house the dairy herd.

17. Why doesn't this shower take American Express any more?

18. Oh, hey, that's where I left my penis.

19. I know, I'll boil a ham in the hot water heater. Then I can have hot ham juice in the shower every day.

20. I have to find somewhere else to cache my weapons; that's the fourth girlfriend the cattle have shot this month.

21. Good thing I brought my compass this time.

22. Why's it always raining in this box?

23. Shit. I really need some ham.

December 6, 2007

My Prospective Titles for the "Snakes On A Plane" Sequel

It will be tough to top a movie title like "Snakes On A Plane". I mean, think about it... here you have four words which pull multiple duties.

They serve as:
1) The title
2) The plot
3) The script
4) The critical review
5) The ready-made, hotel-room, HBO magazine summation

Without ever having seen the original movie, I will hereby venture to guess at what Hollywood insiders might be toying with for a title for the next "Snakes On A Plane" movie... and, dear God, I hope they make one... so I can not have to see it to know exactly what happens.

1. Snakes On A Plane II: The Resnakening

2. Bigger Snakes On A Bigger Plane

3. Vipers On A Jet

4. Again With The Snakes And The Plane And The Hissing (Jerry Lewis remake)

5. Earthworms On A Cessna

6. Plane Snakes!

7. The Suborder Serpentes Aboard A Commercial Airliner

8. Sssssssss On A Plane

9. High-Flying Herpetological Hijinks

10. The Distressing Yet Astounding Adventures Experienced By The Snake Family Upon Traveling One Day By Aero-plane

11. Boas On A Boeing

12. Snakes On A Plane 2: Again!

13. A Plane With Snakes On It

14. Thank You For Flying With Snake-Filled Airlines

15. Akesnay Onway Away Aneplay (Pig Latin remake)

16. Planes! Snakes! On Them!

17. Caution: Plane May Contain One Or More Snakes

18. Trousersnakes On A Plane (porn remake)

19. Snakes On A Chicken On A Crocodile On A Rhinoceros On A Plane

20. Snakes On Planes? Perhaps...

21. Public Snakes, Private Planes

22. Snakes On A Plane III: Snakes On A Plane, Part 2

23. Snakes With Guns On A Plane

24. Enalp A No Sekans ("Memento" remake)

25. Snakes Near A Plane

26. I Hate Snakes On A Plane (Raiders Of The Lost Ark IV)

27. Snakeplane! The Musical!

28. Snakes On A Plane. SNAKES On A Plane! SNAKES On A PLANE!! SNAKES ON A PLANE!!!

29. Snakes On Two Planes

30. Snakes On A Plane v2.0: Snakier On A Planier

31. Snakes On This Particular Plane

32. Snaaakes.... ona.............. Plane (starring William Shatner)

33. Snaked On A Plane: The Reptile Mile High Die Club

34. Snakes On A Plane, But In Coach Class Only

35. Snakes on The Plane (It's Pronounced 'Thee')

36. Snakes On A Plane, But Not The Same Plane As Before

More Pick-Up Lines: Male to Female

1. Pardon me, are you going to be using that vagina?

2. Hey, I couldn't help but notice that you're female, and... well, you're female.

3. I'm going to have you arrested for willful incitement of masturbation.

4. If you were dying of a horrible disease, I would punch that disease right in the face.

5. Which term do you find more offensive: 'bitch' or 'womanwhoisgoingtogivemeahandjobinthebathroomrightnow'?

6. Your breasts are so amazing! I just want to cut them off and display them in my den!

7. When our eyes met across this crowded room, I couldn't help but wonder where am I, and who are all these people, and who the fuck are you anyway, and why were you staring at me? Answer me! Answer me now, damnit!!

8. I think you're proof that looks aren't important. I'll fuck just about anything.

9. My ex-wife used to say that I was crude and self-centered, which is not true at all; I also have a huge cock that you are going to suck for me.

10. I'll bet it would be so much better to have sex with you than all those mannequins in my basement.

11. I have a theory about your genitals, but I'll need to do some extensive testing before I make any conclusions.

12. Nice uterus!

December 3, 2007

I Wish to Be Objectified as a Hot, Quivering Slab of Man Flesh on My Own Terms

1. If you think I'm sexy, and you want my body, get in line. Right now, I'd like to spend time with women who think I'm sexy or who want my body, but not both.

I'll thank you to be inclusive in your comments: it is more accurate to say that I am shaking what both my mother and father "gave me."

3. I don't care how much money you have or how far you've come, I do not take traveler's checks.

4. Federal law stipulates that I get one fifteen minute break for every four hours spent grinding my loins against you.

I refuse to pose as your beefcake calendar's Mr. April wearing only a maraschino cherry. Mr. September or Mr. May, maybe.

6. You obviously feel possessive of what you think you own, but, nonetheless, it remains my junk.

7. Please do not slobber all over my buns of steel, lest they rust.

8. Once again, I prefer "dark", "handsome", then "tall" in that order. There is no room in that sequence for "magically delicious."

9. Stunt cocks have feelings too.

Autopsy Report Excerpts

Selected passages from the paperwork of another one of my many careers - a job that I was not able to hold onto very long:

1. "First, I removed the head. This allowed for two things: I was able to determine conclusively that the patient was dead, and I was able to cut up the rest of the body without the patient's eyes gazing at me with that creepy 'I'm dead' stare. I made sure of this by gouging the head's eyes out, and putting them in a box in the other room."

2. "The very cute corpse was wheeled into my lab at 6:25 p.m. on Friday night, March 7. Despite spending considerable time attempting to revive her, she remained dead. One more Friday night without a date for this lonely pathologist. Why must she tempt me so? I turned out the lights and headed home."

3. "...right tibia and patella, coccyx, and probably two or three ribs all might show extensive damage. It should be noted why this damage is hypothetical in nature: I can no longer confirm that the bones in question are truly 'damaged' as much as 'missing.' Not sure where I put them."

4. "In good conscience, I cannot work on this body. It would represent a distinct conflict of interest as, earlier this evening, I had a blind date with this woman that ended badly. Very, very badly."

5. "In my professional opinion, subject died because he was a fat fucking pig."

6. "Subject appears to have succumbed to the terminal pain brought about by the sudden departure of her heart's true love, her soulmate, her one and only, her muse, her candle in the darkness, plus she was run over by a train."