July 19, 2013

Secret Middle Names of Historical Figures

Benjamin Buttonfly Franklin
Joan D'of Arc
Reginald Joseph Socrates
William Jumpstart Shakespeare
Jane Meli$$a Austen
Helen Throwdown Keller
Jim Sappho Anderson
Margaret Yeahyeah Thatcher
Oliver Michael God

July 18, 2013

Avoiding Death

Death will call on you many times. Be sure you have registered on your state's "Do Not Call" list.

Wear deathscreen.  DPF 30 or above, especially during the high-death hours of noon to noon.

Don't engage in activities which have been linked to death, like eating or breathing.

Stay in shape.  Suggested shape: vertical line segment.

Double your lifespan by forcing your children to accomplish what you did not.

Play dead.

Believe there's a blissful, painless, eternal life after this one, or at least a good hotel with a hot tub.

July 17, 2013

What I Just Realized About Some Popular 1970s Songs

1 - The Copacabana does not take place in the popular beach district of Rio de Janeiro, because that particular Copacabana, though hot, is not "north of Havana."  My mistake.  It is also a sadder narrative than I remembered.  The song smells like orange perfume.

2 - The horse doesn't have a name, but that's a meaningless human construct to place on any animal, especially one that is very busy carrying you through a desert filled with plants, birds, rocks, things, and possibly other stuff.

3 - I'm going to continuing assuming that Todd Rundgren is the "me" in question.  This has worked for me so far.  The name "Rundgren" also sounds like an impression of a motorcycle noise.

4 - The Devil totally beat Johny's ass down there in Georgia.

March 6, 2013

Where Isn't Waldo?

The lint trap

San Diego, northwest quadrant

There.  Right there.  No!

In love

On the thirty, the twenty, the ten, five...

Liar's Gulch, lookin' down the business end of a six-shooter

Your grocer's peanut bin