May 23, 2010

Pretend Book Jacket Praise from my Imaginary Book Fictively Entitled, "Apocryphal Title of Brendon Etter's Illusive Book"

At three this morning, I was struck by the sheer legendary magnitude of supposed praise that was being hypothetically printed on the unreal jacket for my bogus book. Quotes have flooded in the way that only such unreal praise can: All at once from pretty much everyone and anyone you can think of, though none of whom can I specifically name.

Why did I do this?

Because writing is dangerous and lonely work, and most of you nutjobs never, ever show any appreciation for any of my writing, which means I must invent my own. So, here I go. Here's what I can only imagine is being said about my fake book...

"Incredible" - Famous Writer Lady

"This product crassly uses a story to manipulate the reader, but be not deceived: The story is entirely fictional!" - Moral Absolutist Critic

"Incredible" - Famous Writer Guy

"Half-way through this book, I had half of it left to read." - Precise Critic

"Go to a place where you can buy this thing, and buy it there! Tell them I sent you, but don't tell them why specifically. It's better to be mysterious; plus I'm not sure what I'm telling you to buy, and I don't want to get arrested for your illicit purchase." - Self-Important Celebrity

"Uncredible" - Not Quite As Famous For Very Good Reasons Writer Guy

"Something salmon face book go has positive time!" - Poorly Translated Foreign Critic

"This book contained 733 commas, each more fraught with pausing than the previous." - Even More Precise Critic

"Not credible at all." - Honest Critic

"Half-way through this book, I think I had about ninety percent of it left to read." - Very Imprecise Critic

"Intercredible" - Famous Writer Transexual

"These words will be on the book jacket with my name under them!" - Critic For All The Wrong Reasons

"As good as that other book by that other guy!" - Vague Critic

"I liked the word parts." - Lazy Critic

"Where this book succeeds is in telling a story that people will want to read." - Obvious Critic

"I read this book in public to be seen as literary and not just another pretty, wooden actress with fake breasts." - Fake-Breasted Wooden Pretty Actress

"This is a book." - Lazier Critic

"The flush of jejunely aspirational yearning of Etter's antagonist bolsters the chthonian regret of the protagonist's muddied desires." - Pretentiously Meaningless Critic

"I am writing words about what I perceive to be the quality of the words in this book!!!" - Excited Meta Critic

"Best movie ever!" - Very Confused Critic

"Book." - Laziest Critic

The Names of Bands Fronted by Famous Historical Figures

Special thanks to the curriculum of Mr. Ernie Cruz which inspired me to create a list of band names had they been fronted by various historical figures. I'm probably not going to treat the assignment with as much reverence as Ernie's students.

1. Napolean Bonaparte - Emperor Abba Fodder

2. Pope Urban II -The Urban Beatdowns

3. Carry Nation - Beer Barrel Poker

4. Adam Smith - Market Mark and the Handless Bunch

5. Sylvia Plath - Joy Division

6. Charles Darwin - Select This!

7. William Shakespeare - Food of Love

8. Eve - Oppression Justification Figurehead

9. Isaac Newton - Move It, Move It

10. Sigmund Freud - Cigarhead and the Gynophobes

11. Gertrude Stein - Thereless

12. Confucius - Say Wha...

13. Helen Keller - Close Enough

14. Plato - The Underpinnings

15. Jane Goodall - Not Monkees

May 21, 2010

Other Amazing and Weird Similarities between Kennedy and Lincoln!

Here are just a few other creepy coincidences (or are they coincidences?) that they (yes, THEY!) don't want you to know!

1. Both Kennedy and Lincoln were male AND had penises.

2. Kennedy was the President of the United States when he was killed; so was Lincoln.

3. Lincoln once made a campaign stop in Addison, Virginia. Kennedy had Addison's Disease.

4. Both men were killed by a bullet - a very hard projectile propelled at great velocity from what some experts call a "gun."

5. Lincoln had prominent facial hair covering an area of his face; Kennedy also had that same area on his face.

6. Lincoln was shot on 04/14/1865. Kennedy on 11/22/1963. Neither of their birthdays.

7. Both Presidents were shot by people with sort-of-funny middle names.

8. People were sad about the assassinations of both men.

9. Both Presidents' last names have seven letters in them, and seven is a lucky number.

10. Kennedy was killed the same year the actress, Jodie Foster, was born. William Hinckley, the man who attempted to assassinate President Reagan, supposedly did so in a vain attempt to impress Jodie Foster, and Reagan was a Republican President just like Lincoln. Very compellingly, Jodie Foster is an avowed Democrat, just like Kennedy!

11. Lincoln was famously born in a log cabin; Kennedy was also born famous.

12. Abraham Lincoln actually died the day after he was shot, on April 15, which is now - not coincidentally - the due date for filing your federal income taxes; the same federal income taxes Kennedy filed many times.

13. Abraham Lincoln's middle name rhymed with Kennedy's middle name.

14. { Fill in the blank! }

May 20, 2010

Brendon Etter's Glossary of Literary Terms

I'm certain that I will ace the test with my firm grasp of these terms from the written world.

1. Irony - Using tone, style and steam to deliberately wrinkle clothing.

2. Alliteration - Picking up, discarding or appropriately reusing previously unwanted words.

3. Iambic - An unstressed syllable followed by a dog food nugget.

4. Naturalism - Writing which you can just tell was done by a naked author.

5. Synecdoche - A literary device which metaphorically represents one of those Jewish churches.

6. Foot - What you write with if you want to be the subject of a sentimental personal portrait on the news.

7. Forensic Oratory - Using a rousing speech to force the killer to confess.

8. Gothic Novel - A book that really doesn't care if you read it or not. Whatever.

9. Hermeneutics - For unknown reasons, this is an important word to know when talking about writing. Now, you can use it too.

10. Leitmotif - A children's toy in which plastic pegs are placed within a lighted grid to create recurring phrases, repetitive imagery and pretty, pretty pictures.

11. Onomatopoeia - A word which means exactly what it sounds like it means.

12. Paranomasia - A psychological condition in which a writer uses the page as a canvas for futile anger, but the words, upon interpretation, mean nothing.

13. Soliloquy - Masturbation writ large.

14. Marxist Criticism - When someone named Marx makes fun of your writing.

15. Paralipsis - It is not necessary to define this because then you will define it.

16. Primitivism - To write a piece of literature on a large rock using smaller rocks.

17. Problem Play - A drama you don't like.

18. Cacophony - Using a fake Irish penis in your writing.

19. Assonance - The vague feeling that what you're reading is shit.

May 17, 2010

Five Reasons Why "What Does Not Kill Me Makes Me Stronger" Is a Stupid Saying

Where to begin? Perhaps with the title of this post. This was one of those sayings that people started using to distract others from their misery, probably during the Black Death or the Ford administration. It's not only factually wrong but also sentimentally misguided because, taken at its root, it actually encourages people to seek out disease and ineffectual Republicans. Many counterpoints can be counterpointed exposing the moon-faced fallacy of this bromide.

1) Both having hair and being bald do not kill you, yet are polar opposites. Therefore, one of them has to kill you and one of them must make you stronger, and, in process, disproving the expression.

2) A Siberian tiger could, in theory and with minimal outside guidance, lock you in a room and play with you for years in a bad way, keeping you right on the border of death. At no point during your torture would you be considered stronger by objective outside observers who could be charged $10 a head to see this gruesome attraction. (Note to my business manager: Research costs of keeping a Siberian tiger angry but not too hungry.)

3) Sticking with felines for a moment: Were you to take the place of Schrödinger's cat, we would both not know if you were alive and not know if you were stronger. All this not knowing, would pretty much guarantee that you would be simultaneously dead and stronger and, weirder still, possibly a cat owned by a dead Austrian physicist.

4) If you were to be changed into a frog by a vengeful witch, would you suddenly become that much more muscular or filled with greater emotional fortitude, or would you be, as I suspect, hopping around, watching out for predators, and thinking, "Holy shit! I'm a frog! This is not good!"

5) Smoking heavily for a couple decades might not kill you, but I'm not aware of any character-building or physically redemptive traits the addiction proffers. I suppose you could win an "I was more addicted than you" argument with an opponent who had only smoked for ten years, but, again, is that a position of strength from which to debate?

May 16, 2010

I Awoke Before You (a little poem)

Every once in a great while, I write a poem. You shall see, after having read this, why I do not write more of them... I'm no Rob Hardy, for shit's sake!

I Awoke Before You

I awoke before you,
damn bird,
at least an hour.

Or should it be -
I awakened before you?


Regardless, it was at least a whole hour
before you, and you're still a damn bird.

So chit and cheek and craw
like you called the sun forth
your own damn self.

But you didn't, damn bird,
because, as I stated above,
I woke up at least an hour before you,
but I sat quietly
and waited for the sun.

May 14, 2010

Reasons Why I Might Hit You on the Head with a Hammer

For today, I thought I should offer some justification for my behavior. Should it happen, that is.

It would be very unfortunate for you to be in critical condition in the hospital and, on top of the bleeding, swelling, unconsciousness, pain and perhaps bewildering sexual excitement, you were also confused as to why I crushed your skull with a hammer.

My motto has always been: I maim, but I care.

1. You were sexually assaulting the hammer, and I felt it would only be poetic justice.

2. We were practicing your headers into the net off corner kicks, and I had a giant mesh bag with soccer balls, except the last "soccer ball" was a hammer, and instead of kicking it to you from the corner, I ran toward you, yelling, "This is really a soccer ball in my hand!" and "Stand still!"

3. The nail in your skull just needed one more good smack to be flush.

4. To build character - maybe yours, maybe mine, maybe a character in my moving new biopic.

5. Because you knew... too... much.

6. Trying to impress Jodie Foster.

7. Bad hammer-eye coordination, resulting in the hammer hitting your head, not your eye.

8. For the punchline of a very funny joke that you probably wouldn't understand if I took the time to explain it.

9. Trying to impress this woman who said she sorta-kinda knows Jodie Foster.

10. My experiment to see which would fall fastest, a hammer or a grand piano, ended badly, but not as badly as it would have had you been standing under the grand piano.

11. I was rendered temporarily mad by all the flash photography.

12. You said you knew a secret, and I wanted to see what it was.

13. Trying to hit Jodie Foster's head, but you were making out with her.

14. To get your attention.

15. Listened to the Beatles' "Maxwell's Silver Hammer" backwards, and it sounded like frustrating gibberish devoid of hidden instructions; so I hit you on the head to calm myself down.

16. Because it was there.

17. My new hammer was advertised as "strong enough to stand up to your toughest challenges," and I always considered you one of those, or at least the head part of you.

18. I just get, I don't know... excited, I guess.

19. Other.

May 7, 2010

Extremely Bad Pick Up Lines

Let's just say these only work on extreme masochists, and since you are unlikely to find them, you have to be extremely masochistic yourself just to try them.

"You look so much skinnier through my telescope."

"Is that your face, or did an angel have immaculate diarrhea all over you?"

"Why don't you sit on my lap, and we'll talk about the first thing that pops up like the meat thermometer I just inserted into my penis."

"I would probably bathe for you."

"They're like tattoos, but I do them much faster and without all those boring details."

"I used to think I'd never find that perfect woman, but with your help, I'm sure we could figure out where I left most of her body."

"Have you ever had the feeling that destiny was standing and coughing right in front of you?"

"It's hard to believe how easy hair burns."

"Most people have no idea how hard it is to really be an asshole, you know?"

"My mom isn't using the whole bed; so why don't we go to her place?"

"You're more adorable than the last ferret I stuck in my pants."

"It's not that you're fat, it's that there's so much more of you to fondle inappropriately."

"My sense of humor is not recognized by most legal authorities."

May 6, 2010

Brendon Etter Writing As David Mamet Writing As Margaret Wise Brown in the Children's Bedtime Classic, "Shut Up Moon"

In this great big room,
there was a fucking bunny.
Ya know?
And, uh, let's say a phone.
Why? So...
Fucking bunny might need to call someone.
Some other bunny. Something.
I don't know.

Also, there's a red balloon
'Cuz it's a kid's book
so a balloon seems right.
Bunnies, balloons, blah blah blah.
Probably a moon.
And why don't you imagine there's a picture too
A picture of...

Fuck if I know.
It's dark in here 'cuz the fucking bunny
is going to bed
which I alluded to earlier
because it's a bedroom
so shut yer yap.

The place is a fuckin' mess.
Shit everywhere.
Typical I guess.

There is a doll
laying in the hall
Two little cats
Both fucking brats
And a broken switchblade
Stabbed into the eye
Of a creepy old guy
By a withered old hag
Half in the bag
Screaming, "Die! Die! Die!"

Shut up room!
Shut up moon!
Shut up balloon!
Shut up picture of something I can't make out
in all this fuckin' gloom!

Shut up bunny!
Shut up bed!
Shut up old man
With a knife in your head!

Shut up doll!
Shut up hall
and shut up light
someone left on in the hall!
Again. Shit.

And shut up cats,
you fucking brats,
or I'll give you both
some shut up smacks!

And shut up old hag half in the bag
You scream and you cry
"Die! Die! Die! Die! Die!"
and stab old men in the eye

Shut up dark
Shut up air
Shut up noises


I mean...
there's a little bunny
trying to get some
fucking sleep
in here.

May 5, 2010

The Dream / Nightmare Threshold

Where does a dream cross over into a nightmare?

Here are a few examples from my sleeping life which may or may not be real if only because reality doesn't always apply in such a world.

Dream: The apples were fresh and tart. Nightmare: The apples acted fresh and tart.

Dream: The beautiful stranger touched my shoulder. Nightmare: Her hand stayed on my shoulder after she left the bus.

Dream: I pitch a no-hitter. Nightmare: Wearing only crotchless panties.

Dream: The valley lay before me in richest greens. Nightmare: The valley lay before me, exactly six feet deep and freshly dug.

Dream: The numbers add up. Nightmare: The numbers perform a very quick tracheotomy.

Dream: She said "yes!" Nightmare: When I asked if she saw me pitch my no-hitter.

Dream: The map leads to the treasure. Nightmare: The treasure is an identical map which leads you to an identical treasure.

Dream: Circles and squares in exactly the right colors. Nightmare: Marching to a military song that is in the wrong key.

Dream: The pizza is done. Nightmare: Done with me and not shy about letting everyone know it.