February 26, 2010

Guaranteed Ways to Get More Men to Watch Figure Skating

A list I wrote because I, like everyone else, enjoy dabbling in rote gender stereotypes for comedic effect. I only hope you approve, or, failing that, I hope you disapprove with such overheated invective and self-righteous priggery as to make me laugh.

1) Bonus scoring and enhanced-difficulty ratings positively correlated with skater's breast size, both male and female.

2) Wrap skaters in layers of Pennzoil and Bud Light ads.

3) Various "no-go" areas on the ice that explode if touched with enough force.

4) Allow Hot Lesbian Pairs Skating.

5) Viewers must take one drink every time Scott Hamilton groans like a masturbating pervert as a skater attempts a jump or some similarly difficult, and apparently, extremely sexual "trick."

6) Nailing a triple axel only counts if you swallow the whole doughnut in the air.

7) More flamethrowers.

8) Pairs skaters must also have a nemesis (of the judges' choosing) on the ice during their routines; they have to avoid and/or subdue the nemesis successfully for their routine to count.

9) Routines must always be done to "Stairway To Heaven" by Led Zeppelin or "Free Bird" by Lynyrd Skynyrd (or appropriately-rocking cover versions of each.)

10) All individual competitors must do the short program at the same time on the same rink. Last one standing wins.

11) A new event where skaters perform a routine while descending the bobsled course. No bobsleds allowed. Points for fastest time, technical and artistic elements. Deductions for screaming.

12) Whipped cream belly slides recognized as part of the art form.

13) One word: Icequake.

14) A certain number of horny cheerleaders per skater.

15) Obstacle course portion of the competition to feature: The Stampoline, The Firesphere, The Whirlytoss and The Groping Clownbot.

16) Judges allowed to press button for one skater that opens a hole in the ice above the tiger pit. Skater has fifteen seconds to get out before the ice hole closes. Bonus points proportional to tiger-related blood loss sustained if skater completes the routine without wussing out.

17) More Three Stooges-related routines encouraged.

18) No crying allowed, and as little feeling as possible.

19) Motorized skates.

20) One judge is a week from retirement who's "gettin' too old for this shit"; the other is a by-the-book, naively optimistic rookie.

February 25, 2010

New "Extreme" Olympic Sports or Blockbuster Movie Titles?

Trying to broaden its appeal to younger audiences, the Olympics have expanded into newer, trendier sports. Here are a few suggestions for possible new extreme sports to help capture prime marketing demographics, mixed in with a few of my favorite blockbuster movies. I do not know which is which, however. You decide.

1) Snow Double Cross
2) Luge Attack
3) Hyperathlon
4) Team Handbomb
5) Badminton II - Worseminton
6) Javelinator
7) Voodoo Judo
8) Zing! Pong!
9) Snow Double Cross II: Triple Cross
10) Decapitlon
11) On Her Majesty's Short Track Speed Skating Service
12) Snow Horde
13) Breast Stroker, Private Eye
14) Snow Double Cross III: Cross On Cross On Cross On Cross
15) Ten Meter High Dying
16) Dodge-arrow
17) Rhythmic Gymnasts of the Lost Ark

February 23, 2010

Reasons Why Evgeni Plushenko Should Have Won the Gold Medal in Men's Figure Skating at the 2010 Winter Olympics

1) Because Vladimir Putin said so.
2) The ice was a lot more slippery than he thought it should be.
3) You must obey the mullet!
4) Not only does he routinely land quads, his heart lands invisible quints for the judges.
5) You probably were simply blinded by his aura, which is totally your fault.
6) Because Vladimir Putin really likes the Russian mob. Hint, hint.
7) He did his routine after successfully landing a quad vodka shot.
8) Because he had sent out word across the lands and seas, from pole to pole, the whole world 'round, that it was to be so.
9) So children would be better able to look up to his gracious and mature attitude.
10) Needs the medal to save humanity from itself.
11) Penis size was unfairly excluded from the scoring, and he's such a big dick.
12) He's pretty sure some of the other skaters are gay, which is a tough cross for him to bear when performing.
13) Give him the medal, or the kitten dies!
14) If he doesn't, he's going to stomp, stomp, stomp those skates really, really hard!
15) Just 'cuz.

February 22, 2010

Ice Prancing, the Sport of

Ice Prancing is a sport in the Olympic Winter Games. Would you like to be an ice prancer?

Here's a list of what you need:

1) Precision
2) Artistry
3) Expressive features
4) Skates, 2 of them
5) A Bedazzler - for your clothes
6) Culturally stereotyped outfits that stretch credulity and with your movements
7) Ass, 2 of them
8) A Bedazzler - for your face
9) Glitter, all kinds
10) Pre-packaged answers to pointless questions from commentators
11) Make-up pallet knives and a team of professional spackle artists
12) A partner
13) A Bedazzler - for your foes
14) A certain tolerance for public groping
15) A song to prance to
16) A prance to call one's own

February 21, 2010

Thoughts On Talking Vaginas

Being a list of ruminations of indeterminate number and length on the curious matter of talking vaginas...

1) Sure, my penis frequently talks, but it is always a conversation. A back-and-forth, as it were. A dialogue.

2) I would expect penises to talk a lot more; after all, they are just extroverted vaginas. Aren't they?

3) Leave it to vaginas to just blather on and on about whatever, even if no one is really listening.

4) Vaginas don't seem to realize that they don't need to talk to capture the attention of most.

5) That being said, a vagina that can talk would surely be the most popular vagina in the room. Until the vagina that can talk and juggle enters the room, of course.

6) Why do vaginas get all the credit for verbalization? Surely, those lips were made for talking.

7) And what about the clitoris? Let's not neglect the possibility that it too might speak if it could be found and given proper training.

8) I wonder what the effective tax rate is for independent, talking vaginas. I know what the statutory tax rate is, but I bet vaginas can talk their way to a lot of deductions.

9) What language do vaginas use? Is it particular to region, country, ethnicity? Do vaginas have accents? Is there a universal language a vagina can use to communicate with any other vagina - a pussperanto?

10) Talking vaginas are all well and good, but I would like to see singing vaginas, like the Vagina Boys' Choir, or any Broadway musical you can name.

11) A talking vagina that can hold a non-talking vagina on its lap and make that vagina seem to talk would really be on to something that many people would want to see.

12) A funny thing for a vagina to say would be: "We wanna be free to ride our machines without being hassled by The Man!"

13) Actually, that's funny when non-vaginas say it.

14) I thought I could title this post "Thoughts In Talking Vaginas," but then I realized that no one thinks when they're in a talking vagina.

15) Beeker's clearly a talking penis, but did anyone ever make a talking vagina Muppet?

16) Can a talking vagina be sued for slander?

17) Talking vaginas that stutter probably get picked on a lot even though they're just a talking vagina like you and me. Well, not me.

18) Talking vaginas in authoritarian nations experience brutal repression of their rights, just like talking vaginas in democracies.

19) I wish there were more talking vaginas proudly on display in local parks, museums, colleges, businesses and that "Small World" ride in Disneyland.

20) In prehistoric times, vaginas communicated with primitive grunts and screeches.

21) Remember to always warm up your talking vagina before any performance, lest you strain a vagina chord.

22) A diaphragm can be used in the talking vagina much like a mute in the end of a trumpet - or clarinet, if that's more your thing. Waa-waaaaaaaa-wa-wa.

23) A very stupid thing for a talking vagina to say is: "Come here."

24) If you ever lose your talking vagina, please contact the milk carton people.

25) Make sure you have a picture of your talking vagina for them to put on their milk cartons.

26) I wonder if any talking vaginas take a vow of silence, or become vagina mimes?

27) Do all talking vagina movies have to be subtitled for men or for women with silent vaginas?

28) Little kids would love a stuffed vagina that talks when you pull the string.

29) It's great that all women, all women everywhere, are just a great big cluster of sisters that get along perfectly through the constructive monologuing of their vaginas.

30) Someone should write a play about all these talking vaginas.

31) I wish more vaginas would talk to me.