June 29, 2007

This Is What Will Happen in the New Harry Potter Book

1. Hermione discovers another good use for Harry's magic wand.

2. So does Hagrid.

3. And Dobby.

4. On page 39 alone, the word "magic" will be used 53 times.

5. The highly-stressed, competitive group of teenagers at Hogwarts will once again pass another whole year without cursing even once. Truly magical.

6. Nearly four-hundred pages of extraneous text are actually a complex spell of their own; anyone reading it will be transported into a mystical kingdom of shit.

7. Harry uses the Avada Kedavra curse on Voldemort, who blocks and counters with his own, which Harry counter-blocks and counter-counters, which Voldemort counter-counter-counters and double-counter-blocks, which Harry then counter-counter-counter-counters and triple-counter-blocks, and this goes on for 750 pages.

8. Harry and Voldemort share a Snickers bar. Voldemort, who is highly allergic to peanuts, swells up and asphyxiates.

9. Near the end of the book, Hermione realizes that her own magic wand can also be put to that very same good use.

10. For no real reason, Draco comes out of the closet.

11. Harry dies, and the last fourteen pages of the book are in huge boldface type saying, and I paraphrase here, that Harry is just fucking dead and get over it and there is no fucking chance in hell that he is going to come back to life in any fucking form whatsoever and, in fact, everyone in the magical world forgets about him completely and just goes about their normal, everyday life as if nothing ever happened, because nothing ever did, because it's a fucking story, and it's not real and stop fucking asking me to write anything else and get your own fucking life!!

12. Harry wakes up in his bedroom to find it was all a bizarre dream, and you were there, and you, and you, and...

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