June 23, 2011

Lines from "The Breakfast Club" if Judd Nelson's Character, John Bender, Had Been Played By a Troubled, Rebellious, Pothead Monkey

"This is what you get at my house when you eat paint in the garage."

"I'm thinking of trying out for a scholarship in the newly-sanctioned collegiate sport called Monkey Basketball.  It's a game a lot like human basketball, except it's played by monkeys who are in college."

"Shut up, bitch! Go fix me a banana termite pie!"

"You know what I got for Christmas this year? It was a banner fucking year at the ol' Bender family! I got a carton of cigarettes! The old monkey grabbed me, and he said, 'Hey! Insert these playfully into your anus or otherwise comically misuse these cylindrical objects, Johnny!'"

"Does Barry Manilow also wear clothing? Because I don't, being a monkey, but if I did, I would also wear Barry Manilow's clothing like you are right now."

"Claire?! That's a fat girl name, but a skinny monkey name. Have you considered species reassignment surgery?"

"Are none of you disturbed by the fact that I speak English fluently, or are we glossing over that in service to our uplifting story of acceptance and understanding during an often-troubled period of psychosocial development?"

"Seriously, how am I not this school's mascot?! Come on!"