September 26, 2011

11 Things Involving My Shoe Which Probably Happened Last Month

1. My shoe was found in the vegetable crisper drawer in the refrigerator. It didn't know how it got there or why it wasn't at least wearing a scarf.

2. My shoe rejected the constraints placed upon it by a wickedly pro-lace society.

3. My shoe knew where my foot was going before my foot started to go there, and it was the other foot.

4. My shoe begged me to talk about its feelings, but it's fooled me with that one before.

5. My shoe did something about which it is not proud even as it blames me for doing it.

6. My shoe stole one of my dreams with a very large gun.

7. My shoe had "no comment" for the press.

8. My shoe pretended to have a head so it could pretend to have a headache so it could stay home and work on its blueprints.

9. My shoe complained about its "cruel and grotesque" working conditions.

10. My shoe had an unsatisfactory religious conversion.

11. My shoe claimed it never even saw the dog poop. Then it snickered.

September 20, 2011

Some Ways Life Would Be Different If You Had A Tiger Instead Of A Cat

 You are dumb.  You own a cat.  Probably two or three.  Stupid.  Your life would be better if you doubled-down and brought a tiger into your home or apartment or recreational vehicle.  Here's how.

1 - It would take care of your house cat infestation.

2 - If you let them get hungry enough, they are capable of cleverly feeding themselves.

3 - Surprisingly good at tax preparation. 

4 - You'll get millions of hits when you post an adorbz vid on LOLcats of teh kitteh playing with its first dead bird, except replace "bird" with "son" or "neighbor" or "animal control officer."

5 - Little cats can't play the drums in your garage rock band.  Neither can a tiger, but you'll let him anyway.

6 - All the raw, weak, aged wildebeest you can eat.  (Standard shipping rates apply.)

7 - A couple hypodermic extractions away from reaping a fortune from Charlie Sheen.

8 - Neighbor's annoying dog suddenly convinced that barking isn't a great idea after all.

9 - Street-legal, eco-friendly mode of transportation.

September 5, 2011

Days On Which I'm Not Shuffling And Why

1) Tuesday - This day has always been reserved for moping.

2) Saturday - I'm not going to shuffle on Saturdays just because everyone else is shuffling that day. I have my integrity and will not be just another shuffling sheep.

3) Days when I have a gold-painted cardboard box on my head that makes me look like a sci-fi robot from the early 1950s - My vision is severely limited on such days making shuffling hazardous.

4) Sunday - I dare not taunt Mr. Jesus.

5) Wednesday - It's hard to explain, but this day has never felt right for shuffling. You know what I mean?

6) Days heretofore not explicitly denoted - I reserve the right to refrain from shuffling on any other day not listed above, at my sole discretion.

August 9, 2011

Sequels to Popular Broadway Musicals

1 - Les Miserablers

2 - The Phantom Of A Whole Bunch Of Operas

3 - Oh! Chicaglohoma!

4 - My Fairly Old Lady

5 - Lease

6 - La Cage Aux Cage (featuring Nicolas Cage)

7 - Lion King And The Beast: Deathmatch!

8 - Gramma Mia!

9 - The Wizard Of Oz (a white adaptation of The Wiz)

10 - The King And II

11 - A Grease Chorus Line

12 - 2nd 42nd Street

13 - More Fucking Cats!

August 1, 2011

Brendon Etter, Officially Not Running for Mayor in 2012, Seeks Your Votes.

TO: People Who Can Read Well Enough                                                     August 1, 2011
FROM: Brendon Etter

In 2008, I was universally* hailed as the Leading Write-In Candidate for Mayor of Northfield. An election I lost painfully by a mere few thousand votes out of more total votes than that. I would like to thank all those who took the time and effort to somewhat spell my name correctly on some ballots.

However, in order to spare myself and my family and my dog and my neighbors' dogs the pain of losing another physically and emotionally draining contest, I feel it is only right that I not run for Mayor of Northfield again in 2012.

Therefore, let me be the first, on this august forum, on the first of August, to officially declare that I am not running for The Office of The Mayor of The City of (the) Northfield.

Please, please, please don't vote for me for Mayor. 

What I want you to do is to write my name on the ballot under "Mayor" as an affirmation of my decision not to seek The Mayoral Office.

We can only hope that enough people will do this, and Northfield will fulfill the promise of democracy: That anyone choosing not to run for public office has a chance to be recognized for that choice by a majority or plurality of voting citizens!

To help you remember to write in your vote for my non-candidacy, my advertising and legal and dance committee - Britt Ackerman, LP, CD, 009 -  has come up with the following slogans:

Brendon Etter: He's Not for Everyone!
Brendon Etter: Always Never Mayor!
Brendon Etter: Best at Nothing!
Brendon Etter: May or Mayor Not!
Brendon Etter: A Positively Negative Candidate!
Brendon Etter: Nothing to Believe In!
Brendon Etter: There's No There There!
Brendon Etter: Figuratively Your Best Choice!
Brendon Etter: You're Not Allowed to Vote for Him for Mayor!
Brendon Etter: Yes Means No!
Brendon Etter: He Can't Lose!

Thank you, in advance, dear citizens of Northfield, for writing in my name as not running for Mayor.

Please watch this space for future developments as I don't continue this non-campaign.

Mine Truly,
Brendon Etter

(*  - select universes only)

July 17, 2011

How the Tea Party Will Undermine the Legitimacy of the First Female President

In 2016, a woman will be elected America's next President.

The Tea Party, fresh off their glorious Eight Year Plan to delegitimize the presidency of Barack Obama, a known black man, will rapidly switch gears and spend the next eight years delegitimizing the new President, a known not man.

How will they do it?  What genius maneuvers will they orchestrate?

Odds are very good, these will be among them:

- Nationally televised hymen check, for purity.  
(Breaking new ground, but if she's innocent, she shouldn't care, right?)

- Eight years of sarcastic air quotes every time they refer to the President's husband as the "First Lady."
(They have been known to understand sarcasm.  It's rare, but some of them possess the ability, especially if they work together.)

- Accusing her of pushing for favorable "lesbislation."
(With her long, tapered, wet fingers, no doubt.)

- Connecting her in every possible way to the secret terrorist cabal known only as The Indigo Girls.
(There's no denying that she spent four years prostrate to the "higher mind," a known force of evil in the world, especially to neo-cons.)

- Doing that frat boy thing where they flick their tongues between two fingers held in a V position.
(It is a well-argued policy position.)

- Loudly worrying about what time it is and where her children are.
(It'll be the lead story on Fox every night.)

- Complaining that her pantsuits are not powerful enough to commit American troops to battle.
(Who would fight for a leader clad in mauve or coral?  Seriously.)

- Suggesting that she must have a secret penis.
(It's nothing a $600 million investigation can't uncover!)

June 23, 2011

Lines from "The Breakfast Club" if Judd Nelson's Character, John Bender, Had Been Played By a Troubled, Rebellious, Pothead Monkey

"This is what you get at my house when you eat paint in the garage."

"I'm thinking of trying out for a scholarship in the newly-sanctioned collegiate sport called Monkey Basketball.  It's a game a lot like human basketball, except it's played by monkeys who are in college."

"Shut up, bitch! Go fix me a banana termite pie!"

"You know what I got for Christmas this year? It was a banner fucking year at the ol' Bender family! I got a carton of cigarettes! The old monkey grabbed me, and he said, 'Hey! Insert these playfully into your anus or otherwise comically misuse these cylindrical objects, Johnny!'"

"Does Barry Manilow also wear clothing? Because I don't, being a monkey, but if I did, I would also wear Barry Manilow's clothing like you are right now."

"Claire?! That's a fat girl name, but a skinny monkey name. Have you considered species reassignment surgery?"

"Are none of you disturbed by the fact that I speak English fluently, or are we glossing over that in service to our uplifting story of acceptance and understanding during an often-troubled period of psychosocial development?"

"Seriously, how am I not this school's mascot?! Come on!"

May 19, 2011

GUEST AUTHOR: Sarah Palin Writes a List for Me

Hi United Staters!

Well, I'm just thrilled that Brendon asked me to write a list of funny stuff!  It's important, as our country is crushed beneath the boots of a socialist black "president" who was certainly possibly born in America and whose word I'll take for it because that's the classy way to do things respecting the "office of the president" even when a negro is there and I never would disrespect someone as important as the president even when the president kills babies and senior citizens and wants to take your precious freedoms away from you while you're sleeping because he's the president and we'll just all take his word for that and so it's important like I said earlier when I was talking about why it was important because even though we have policy differences and things we still respect each other as people because that's all we are.  I'm people and so is that guy who calls himself president and why we still respect each other because it's like high school and that's what I was taught so why don't we do things that way?

Here's my funny list.  It's called: 

5 ways a white president is different than a black president

First, a white president has hair you can comb!  Isn't that funny, that you can't even comb Barack's hair?  That's not right because you can't comb Satan's hair either because it will burn you!

Second, white presidents have historically started more of our historic wars and our brave troops with the flag of America which has white in it and a couple other colors but not black which might be for a reason even if the elites in the mainstream media won't report why that reason is and God bless them because they fought the wars that the white presidents were so good at starting and that's different than black presidents and we have proof now and it is.

Next, black presidents would look dark green on money and white presidents wouldn't and one way is right more than the other way is right which it isn't right at all.

Lastly, I just want to say that white presidents are more qualified to lead America because more white people live in America than don't and our proud forefathers and their super proud history and it's so important to have someone that whites can look up to and we can't ever forget that and just lose that history and the blacks will be able to look up to the white president because they're used to looking up to the white presidents who are better than black presidents especially for this reason and all the other ones.

Sixth, rap music is bad for small children to learn and a black president would have rap music playing loudly all the time maybe even on Air Force One which really belongs to the great people of this country not to the black president.

That's my funny funny list of 6 ways a white president is better than a black president and thank you for all your laughter which is part of why I like to write funny lists like this and God bless America and the United States!

May 2, 2011

What Osama Bin Laden Was Probably Doing Right Before He Was Killed

1 - Patiently waiting right in front of that one big window at exactly the agreed upon time for his new buddies to meet him for a couple beers.

2 - Trying one last time to fix that crappy beard trimmer.

3 - Waxing his Mustang.

4 - Playing horseshoes with hand grenades.

5 - Feeding the poor.

6 - Meeting with public relations experts to learn how to rebrand himself for today's kids.

7 - Some light couponing.

8 - Slaughtering the recently fed poor.

9 - Ab crunches.

10 - Learning some Joni Mitchell tracks for his new cover album.

11 - Figuring out where Obama was really born.

12 - Wondering what that sound was.

April 29, 2011

Some of Jesus Christ's Lesser Known Sayings

Jesus said a lot of stuff.  Religiologists have, over the years, sponged clean his spoken record to make him look super cool.  If they could, they'd probably auto-tune his voice too so he would always seem to hit just the right moral pitch.

Here are some of the things Jesus said which many evil bastards have conspired to keep from you, the average people; the people Jesus sort of tolerated when he was hanging around all those years ago.

1) Always share your french fries.

2) Dumb people will believe anything, and desperate people will believe everything.  Seriously, it's hilarious.

3) Pee not on another's shoe.

4) Always think the best of your fellow man, unless you really hate your fellow man, and don't get me started on your fellow woman... oh boy.

5) If your neighbor's house is larger than yours, point out their personal flaws as much as possible.

6) The first rule of Jesus Club: Don't make rules for Jesus Club.

7) Neener-neener-neener.

8) Thou shall not do that thing... you know what it is.

9) If something is like an abomination unto me, that's bad.  Steer clear.  However, if something is, like, an abomination unto me? And I say it with my vocal inflection rising at the end, then that means  I'm not totally sure if it is or is not an abomination or just sort of abomination-ish.  What I'm saying is you have some ethical wiggle room with the second type.

10) If a substance is unknown and gooey and stuck to the floor under the couch, don't try to determine what it is with your tongue.

11) Put that back.

12) Hey guys!  Watch this!

13) Sometimes when I look at the world, I think that it's just really big and lots of weird stuff happens and it's confusing too, but it's still so awesome, you know?

14) Sure, wussy humility is fine with me, I guess.

April 23, 2011

Hey Kids! Can You Spot the Difference?

Please find the differences between the first image and the second image.  Answers are beneath each pair.

A: The bunny on the right is a known apologist for fascism. 

A: The dragon on the bottom once shot a man for snoring;
the dragon on top was framed for that murder.

A: The pig on the right will be the first to die.

A: The kitty on the right is not a reflection at all, but a felindroid simulacrum sent through a fourth dimension portal!  Kitty on the left, run damn it, run!! That kitty is too cute!  You don't understand the wrath that will be wrought upon kitties everywhere for all time!!

A: The world on the right has basic cable.

A: The teddy bear on the right pays less in taxes.  Ambiguity is his friend.

A: Both phone booths are being ironic, but in different ways.

A: It is beneath us both to explain this.

THANK YOU FOR PLAYING.  Record your score for the authorities.  They will be there to collect your data, eventually.

March 7, 2011

Extremely Elusive Vocational Interest Survey

Please indicate to what extent you find the following activities interesting using this scale:

1 = not interesting at all;
2 = an embarrassed coughing noise;
3 = uhhhhh (silence);
4 = if you insist;
5 = extremely interesting;
7.1 = popsicles!


Tickling an octopus?

Eating a cookie you found in a pine tree?

Throwing knives at rowboats?

Whispering half-truths to your radio?

Chunk a foozle?


Drawing blood/conclusions/to a close?


Saying 'yes' to invisible lines?

Embarrassing pencils?


Finding a treasure map that couldn't possibly be real, could it?


Sarcastically assessing your interests in various activities?

DragonTooth, the sabre returneth?

Being and/or having but not/and also doing?

Creating uncreative palindromes?

aa a aa?

Sem ordni lap evit a ercnug nit aer c?


Rowboat, throwing knife at?

Decisively wondering?

Applying lotion to dry ideas?


Darning the Socks of Deepest Hope?

**lose capital letters**

Ending self-referential surveys?

Hovering between two proper but contextually-precise orthographies?


Fighting finality?


DragonTooth, attacketh of?

February 24, 2011

Radiohead's New Album (if the tracks were titled honestly)

Dear Radiohead,

There was a time when you deserved even the over-hype.  Not any longer.  You could say you are phoning-in the new album, "King of Limbs," quite accurately, as most of the songs appear to have been recorded on or through cell phones of varying quality.

I could understand this if you titled the tracks with something approaching Truth In Labeling standards.

I'll do it for you.

Here are some suggested honest Radiohead song titles, in no particular order because they are pretty much interchangeable...

- Sleepytime Mumbling / We Dare You To Remember This Song
- Disinterested Tapping On Electronic Drums
- Passionless
- This Song Starts Then Ends A Few Minutes Later
- Sleepytime Mumbling (With 50% More Music-Like Substance!)
- The Sound Of One Band Not Caring
- We're Pretty Sure We Were Going For Something Musicy Here
- Something We Did With Echo Effects 
- Wait!  Was That Being Recorded?
- We Pretend To Not Care, But We Are Secretly Panicked By Our Lack Of Creativity
- Half-Hearted Keening (With Generic Backing Ambiance)
- Cool Kids Will Pretend They Hear Something Meaningful In This One

I hope this helps you to be more fair to consumers in the future.


February 19, 2011

How To Not Tell A Joke #2 - Short Play


Joke Teller
Joke Victim

everywhere, anywhere, somewhere, not nowhere

JOKE TELLER: Is your refrigerator running?


JT: Are you sure it's running?

JV: I think so.  It was working fine this morning when I left my place.

JT: Is it running now?

JV: Probably.

JT: Sure?

JV: Not entirely, but...

JT: What if it isn't?

JV: I'd have to check and...

JT: 'Cause maybe it isn't.

JV: Maybe not.

JT: Then what would you do?

JV: (beat) Get it fixed?

JT: You know what you wouldn't have to do?

JV: No.

JT: If it wasn't?

JV: If it wasn't.

JT: You wouldn't have to chase it.

JV: Chase it?

JT: You would be able to go home and see - There's my refrigerator, right there!  You could just stay home then and not chase it.

JV: Okay.

JT: Maybe even open it up and get some food for supper.

JV: Not if it wasn't running.

JT: No.  If it wasn't running.

JV: Right, food might be rotten.

JT: Why would it be rotten?

JV: The fridge is dead.

JT: No, it's not running.

JV: Then I wouldn't want to eat rotten food.

JT: What?

JV: It'd be fine if it was only a couple hours or something.

JT: But it would still be there.

JV: Yeah, it...

JT: So, what's the problem?

JV: It's not running... like you said?

JT: So, everything's cool then!

JV: Not my fridge.  It's not.

JT: Yes!  It's right in front of you!

JV: At home?

JT: Yes, not here, at home.  It's not running!

JV: Wait.  How do you know it's not running?

JT: Because it's a fridge!

JV: So what?  It's pretty new.  A good brand.

JT: But it's a refrigerator!

JV: I know, but how do you know it's not running?

JT: Because refrigerators don't run!

JV: You have bad luck with fridges or something?

JT: No!  No fridges run!

JV: What the hell...?

JT: What's wrong with you?!

JV: Listen, I...

JT: You must live in some strange world where refrigerators can run?

JV: Of course I do.

JT: Seriously?  Shit, that's dangerous!  Fridges running around, crushing people, smashing into cars, killing...

JV: Ohh!  Ohhhh!  Running! Not... running! I get it.

JT: See?  See?

JV: Yeah! Chase it... I wouldn't chase it.

JT: Get it?

JV: Yeah, I get it.

JT: Funny joke.

JV: Yes.

(long pause)

JT: My brother can fix you fridge, you know, if it's not... running.

JV: Okay.

JT: He's really good.  I have his business card in my...  Here let me get it for you.

(JT fishes in pocket, lights fade)


February 17, 2011

How To Not Tell A Joke #1 - Short Play


Joke Teller
Joke Victim

Wherever, whenever, however

JOKE TELLER: Have you heard this one?

JOKE VICTIM: I don't know.

JT: This one.

JV: I haven't heard it...

JT: Good, good, good...

JV: ...yet.

JT: 'Cause it's funny as hell!

JV: But.. the joke? Yeah, okay.

JT: So you haven't heard it?

JV: Yeah, no... I guess not... let's say no.

JT: Cool! Here it is!

JV: Go for it.

JT: Okay, okay... There's this road... highway... a road, like any road, I think... a road...

JV: Right...

JT: No... not a highway, too big... a road, just a road... any road, I think... smaller probably...

JV: A road.

JT: Not a path! No!

JV: I didn't say path. Did I?

JT: Not a path, a path is too small. It's a road.

JV: A road, yes. I heard road.

JT: Definitely. A road is right there.

(long pause)

JV: There's a road...

(long pause)

JT: Probably paved! A paved road!

JV: Great!

JT: ...asphalt or concrete something...

JV: Doesn't matter.

JT: Doesn't matter.

JV: Doesn't matter, no.

JT: No, doesn't matter.

JV: Okay...

JT: Not gravel.

JV: No.

JT: Gravel's not funny.

JV: It's not?

JT: Not in this joke, gravel would be stupid. It would ruin the whole joke.

JV: Yeah.

JT: Don't you think?

JV: Gravel?

JT: Yeah.

JV: No, no gravel.

JT: A paved road.

JV: Great!

JT: Asphalt, I think. And there's this road. This road is there, like right in the middle of town, not the outskirts or a rural area, right in town, because it would be gravel in the country, not that all country roads are gravel, because they're not. I've been on lots of roads that were paved in the country. Gravel ones out there too, but we're not talking about gravel.

JV: No.

(long pause)

JV: We're not.

(long pause)

JT: (bursting loudly and quickly) A chicken crosses it!

(JT laughs loudly for quite a while, ad libs chicken running motions and appropriate phrases and sounds)

JV: I wonder why.

JT: (trying to gain control of the laughter) Why?

JV: Why a chicken crosses it.

JT: The road?

JV: Yeah. Why?

(long, thoughtful pause)

JT: I don't know.

(waits a couple beats)

JV: Could you find out?

JT: Yeah... yeah... Yeah! I could! I can do that!

JV: Great!

JT: Thanks! (starts leaving, talking to himself) Awesome! Awesome! Why? Why? Why? Gravel? No... concrete, maybe... asphalt?

(lights fade out, JV hangs head)


February 16, 2011

How Do They Follow Up "Mega Shark vs. Giant Octopus?"

Few films have inspired more to less, nor answered the appropriately unasked question, "I wonder what Debbie Gibson is up to these days," than the epic-like, blockbusterish, middle-school produced, simultaneously not- and over-acted, unladen with meaning, suckapalooza that is "Mega Shark vs. Giant Octopus."

Critics agree! This film actually has that title!

They are likewise unanimous that it seems to be "a movie" with people "saying words" that must have been "recorded in some way" to be played back later on a device of the viewer's choice.

Consensus opinion from those in the know indicates it was "made in 2009."

Its date of production stymied me given the special effects appear as if they had been filmed in some sort of digital bathtub with rubber miniatures, which is timeless as a production value. 2009? 1943? 1604? It was, is, ever shall be.

Usually when technology advances, special effects leap forward. "Mega Shark vs. Giant Octopus" defiantly stands up to the bully of high tech cinema by using every computerized trick at its disposal in the worst possible way - like opening a new Word document on your computer then writing your essay on the blank screen with crayons.

The acting, when visible and/or audible, made me long for mimes. Even bad mimes.

Deborah Gibson, (Don't fucking call her Debbie, you miserable bitch!), formerly Debbie Gibson, (Whoopsie! Sorry, Ms Gibson!) has really matured. Indeed, she seems to be at least twenty years more mature than the last time she merited any attention. Her acting does cardboard a disservice. Oh! Cardboard! Why has thou abandoned us?

Lorenzo Lamas, (Please don't call him Debbie), abusively donning a ponytail and sideburns from a different decade, rasps his way through scenes with quips that were fresh in 1963 and intelligence that probably maxed out the same year.

But wait! There are other actors in the film; the Mega Shark producers really worked that angle.

Thrill at the sort-of Irish guy with no apparent purpose!

Wonder at the marvel of the Asian scientist who has to have sex with Debbie Gibson!

Confuse yourself at the width of Debbie's pants in a pastoral sunset silhouette!

But, best of all! Best! Of! All!

Drool, saturate, drench yourself in your own spit at the sight of the apparent method-acting of the Incredibly Intense Submarine Operator (the IISO) who strains himself into a double hernia and a couple minor aneurysms when charged with steering the submarine through a deep-water chasm that JUST TOO DAMN NARROW!!!

(To be fair to the IISO, this is a far better sex scene than the Asian guy and Debbie. Mmmm... long sub... tight chasm... too tight... can't make it... pull out now... no, don't... mmmmmm...)

This would all be fine if evidence suggested that the movie was purposely campy, but it lacked any humor or indicators that it was to be perceived as anything but a deliberate entrant into the realm of cinema.

To address the scientific, continuity or logical errors in the movie would require a book. A book so large that perhaps even Mega Shark itself could not fit its gaping maw around it.

Okay, sorry. I lied. I do have to address one science-y aspect of the film: the size of Mega Shark.

We are told that the eponymous Mega Shark, who I assume also does not wish to be called Debbie, is a live species of the ancient shark Megalodon. Truly, a large and fearsome fish it was. Experts have come to a consensus that adult Megalodon topped out around 60 feet in length.


But horror films would shit out a paltry 60-foot long monster like that. So you expect some exaggeration for the genre. What? Maybe a specimen of 100 feet? 150? 300?

We never know. Most of the "full body" shots of the shark give nothing against which to assess size.

We do see this, though...

(DEAR READER! PLEASE BRACE YOURSELF AND DON'T ASK HOW THIS HAPPENS. I would call this a spoiler alert, but, if you really think this "spoils" any aspect of the movie, then your spoilage threshold scrapes along somewhere near a sand mandala in a ceiling fan superstore. Besides, spoiling something implies an initial state of ripeness.)

(Acting note: In case you missed it, "Holy shit" guy mentions to the flight attendant that he's "getting married in two days." Why? Character development, I guess. Motivation for him getting out of his seat during the turbulence, maybe. So we sympathize for his soon to be comically devoured ass, perhaps. The director really, really wants you, Le Cineaste, to recognize and identify with holy-shit-guy's tragic story arc.

As he plunges seaward, you are meant to think: "I once was going to get married in two days." or "He's so in love that even turbulence scares him; just like turbulence scares me so I must be so in love too!" or "I worry about sharks rudely intercepting my flights and canceling my wedding plans!" The filmmakers want you to get it, you know? It is rather complex, and I wish I could explain to you more fully, but science calls.)

Back to "reality," that's a 4-engine jumbo jet, and the shark looks like it's about twice the length as the plane. A little research tells me that jumbo jets average around 75 meters in length, making the shark somewhere in the neighborhood of 150 meters long. That's about 490 feet. We'll round up and say this shark is 500 feet long.

Later in the movie, in one motion, sharkyface bites completely through the deck of the Golden Gate Bridge.

Like so:

(Acting note: I know! That was Lorenzo Lamas! Acting! Amazing, right!?)

Sorry, back to the science-like essay.

Now, the Golden Gate Bridge stands about 200 feet off the water where Ol' Giant Gills chomps down, and the bridge deck is 90 feet across. So, in terms of size, this seems a more likely fun-time task when compared to JUMPING INTO THE FUCKING CLOUDS to snatch a jumbo jet biscuit.

However, please keep in mind that the Golden Gate Bridge has survived winds over 70 miles per hour and earthquakes above 7.0 on the Richter scale with essentially no damage. I cannot overestimate enough how much more powerful 70 mph winds and massive earthquakes are than a shark bite, even a shark mega bite.

How much force would the shark have to exert to break so facilely through the cables, steel girders and concrete in one bite? I don't know, but I'd bet good money a shark couldn't do it.

Lorenzo "Debbie" Lamas? Sure, Lorenzo could, but he sports the 1994 Ponytail of Armageddon. Not a fair comparison.

Why am I bothering to write about this? Just setting the table for a little list, and cleansing my soul of this offal. I love bad movies, but this one took itself so seriously. If you're going to move beyond irony, please also move beyond shitting all over the screen.

I thought the purging might be helped by listing some future movies in the franchise.

Let's go:

1 - Irresistible Force vs. Unmovable Object II: This Time It's Even Less Personal
2 - Tornado vs. Dirty Harry
3 - Paul Bunyan vs. The Ents
4 - Ultra Scorpion vs. Peevish Hedgehog
5 - 2007 Handlebar Mustache of Irony vs. 1994 Ponytail of Armageddon
6 - Super Bounty vs. Massive Oil Spill (Documentary)
7 - Terror Bite vs. Terra Byte: The Hardest Drive
8 - Dyna Hitler vs. Knifey Smurf
9 - Large Building vs. The HVAC Smell of Much Mystery
10 - Intellect vs. The Tea Party
11 - Debbie Vader vs. MechaGaGa
12 - Giant Octopus vs. Giant Octopussy
13 - Productivity vs. Uber Facebook
14 - The Spunky Li'l Firefly vs. The Angriest Black Hole
15 - Tsupernami vs. Sponge Warehouse and Wholesale, Inc.
16 - Megathis vs. Enormothat
17 - Morality vs. The Highly Effective Push Up Bra

February 10, 2011

I'm Going to Pretend The White Stripes Did Not Break Up and, Instead, Released the Following 11 Albums

Shit. Just shit shit shit. I am not happy with this. I repeat, shit.

The White Stripes have ceased to be, and while I think Jack White's many other projects have merit - particularly "Van Lear Rose" with Loretta Lynn - there was something about The White Stripes which perfectly blended the angriest demon howl of the blues with the resonance and urgency of pure rock.

Anachronistic and vitally new.

The White Stripes always knew exactly when to pull back and when to smack the side of your head repeatedly, and you thanked them for it.

So, what I will do is pretend.

La la la, la la la. They didn't break up. Didn't happen. No.

And... what's this? Look! A new album, and another, and another. One after the other over the next decade.


Don't believe me? Well, how come they even have titles, huh? Clearly, if these releases have names, they must be real!

1 - Icky Thumpier
2 - Little Songs
3 - While My Guitar Gently Screams
4 - Songs To Concuss Your Brain To
5 - Ugly. Sloppy. Beautiful.
6 - We're Actually Trying To Suck, But It's Not Working
7 - Bruises
8 - Crush Crush Face Face
9 - You Fail At Rock And We Do Not
10 - Bigger Bruises
11 - Apotheosis Time

February 9, 2011

Further Variations on "There Are Only Two Types of People in This World"

There are only two types of people in this world: you and people who won't have sex with you.

There are only two types of people in this world: people who are cruelly dismissive and those other assholes.

There are only two types of people in this world: people who burn banana stands and people who know there's always money in a banana stand.

There are only two types of people in this world: people who know the second group is lying and people who know the first group is telling the truth.

There are only two types of people in this world: people who can correctly caulk a wagon to float it across a raging river and people who die of dysentery

There are only two types of people in this world: people which math good and the trillions of people who write well and properly.

There are only two types of people in this world: people who lust for power and that guy who ate an extension cord.

There are only two types of people in this world: people who are still reading this and people who are done reading this.

February 8, 2011

Variations on "There Are Only Two Types of People in This World"

There are only two types of people in this world: people who make simplistic, absurdly extreme comparisons and people who are exactly the same as Hitler.

There are only two types of people in this world: people and people who are not part of that first group of people.

There are only two types of people in this world: dead people and people who are becoming dead.

There are only two types of people in this world: people who lie and people who lie on top of them.

There are only two types of people in this world: fish and robots.

There are only two types of people in this world: people in this world and people in some other world.

There are only two types of people in this world: people who are right-handed and people who walk backwards.

There are only two types of people in this world: people who fit an idealized condition and people who fail to meet that same condition and who are now deserving of your scorn.

There are only two types of people in this world: people who argue good smart always and stuff.

There are only two types of people in this world: people who don't trust anyone to listen to what they're saying and MORONS WHO DON'T LISTEN TO WHAT SOMEONE IS SAYING!

There are only two types of people in this world: people who may or may not be me and people who may or may not be me.

There are only 10 types of people in this world: people who know binary and people who don't and, apparently, eight other types of people, too.

There are only two types of people in this world: people who finish what they start,

February 4, 2011

Possible Titles for My Newest Autobiography

1 - I Get Angry At Bridges

2 - Just Eat This And Shut The Hell Up

3 - Compassion: My Greatest Virtue?

4 - You're A Stupid Fuck!

5 - This Book Understands Everything That Torments You And Will Instantly Make Your Life Perfect As You So Richly Deserve

6 - Please Stop Touching My Underwear

7 - Conspiracy Theories On A Budget

8 - The Brendoning

9 - I Believe I Shall Have A Light Snack

10 - You Are The People About Whom This Book Is Not

11 - Get Ye Gone And Other Ways I Castigate Wenches

12 - My Story: Why I Put That Under Your Pillow

13 - Why Is No One Touching My Underwear?

14 - How I Did In School: The Annotated Transcripts, Death Threats And Tardy Slips

15 - Guided Tour Of The International Museum Of Me

16 - The Brendoning II: Twice The Ing!

17 - Where The Cucumber Doesn't Belong: A Recollection

18 - Paths Not Taken And Other Things I Will Write About Not Being Able To Write About

19 - Fondlicious

20 - Many Good Words Died For This Book

21 - All My Nobel Prize Thingies

22 - There Is No 'I' In 'Me'

23 - Love And Everything Else You Should Pretend To Care About

24 - Here Be Dragons Would Be A Cool Name For My Next Rap Supergroup

25 - Nap Your Way To The Top!

26 - Self-Titled By Myself

27 - What's That Smell?

28 - The Brendoning III: Number 3 Of Three In The Trilogy of III!

29 - A Complete Listing Of Everyone I Write Better Than

30 - Apologies Other People Probably Owe Me

31 - I Wish I Had A Tail That Shot Lasers. That Would Be Great!

32 - Observations And Other Observations

33 - Caring And How To Avoid It

34 - Word, Sentence, Paragraph, Chapter, Story: The Useless Death March

35 - I Choose To Tolerate You

36 - Stab! A Man, A Knife, A Musical, A Plausible Defense

37 - I Greatly Enjoy Yogurt

January 31, 2011

A Cannibal Writes a Self-Help Book

Dear Reader,

What follows is the shortest self-help book ever published.

Trust me, I share your misgivings about the genre.

There are so many people looking for pre-packaged and easy answers. The self-help industry churns out a couple thousand three-step, fifteen-minute, secret code, simple focus, re-balancing, cosmic energizing pieces of useless dreck every year.

I say, "ENOUGH!"

How dare they insult the intelligence of so many gullible people. It's not right, and it must stop!

No one has the perfect answer. Most professed self-help gurus are merely modern snake-oil peddlers of the mind. Gladly duping the dupable.

There is NO EASY ANSWER to what makes your life tough, miserable, annoying, confusing, cold-hearted, cynical, detached, co-dependent, greedy, aggressive, passive or heavily drugged.


Unless, you follow this easy five-step process:

1) Fly to my small island home.
2) Stand directly on the large 'X' to the immediate right of the "luggage tree."
3) Wait a while for your suitcases to appear. (Don't ask how long; learn to let go.)
4) Are you still standing on the 'X'? Great!
5) All done. Your problems are over.

People ask me: "What do you get from this, Mr. Cannibal?"

The answer?

Just enough. I already know how to help myself; so I feel it is right to serve other people.

A Cannibal