July 31, 2008

Brendon Etter Offers Voter-Friendly Fill-In-The-Blank Position Statements

In an effort to remind voters that he is completely on their side whatever side they might be on, eternally delightful, charming and pulchritudinous leading write-in candidate for mayor, Brendon Etter, today introduced "voter-friendly" position statements.

Campaign spokesperson, legal adviser, and current croquet circuit seasonal points leader, Britt Ackerman, LLC, NRBQ, WMD, described the position statement, "We feel it is important to let voters know that Brendon isn't going to be so close-minded on the issues that matter. He generously has decided to not shut out the voters as so many candidates do when they 'take a stand' or 'decide how they feel' about any issue."

Ackerman followed, "That's just more of the same-old, same-old. The politics of exclusion and egocentric 'leadership.' Why not just tell the people that their beliefs don't matter at all?"

"You go girl!" shouted Etter from his bathroom where he is finishing up a grueling scene that has taken very long to film due to the important nature of the work which will likely determine Etter's innocence in a heated sex scandal.

It is not known as of press time to which "girl" Etter was referring.

Ackerman stressed that it was not important, that the issue at hand concerned Etter's "brilliant sense of open-mindedness and inclusionary practices" that help everyone feel that her candidate's views are his or her own.

"Because they are. Completely."

To illustrate Etter's "fill-in-the-blank, other-centric" position statements, Ackerman presented the assembled reporters with one such recently released paper from the campaign, reprinted here for the reader.

"Position Statement of Brendon Etter, Handsome Write-In Candidate for Mayor of Northfield

Issue: Capital Investment in Northfield Municipal Facilities

As a leading write-in candidate for Mayor of Northfield, I have taken a firm stand on developing a municipal facilities plan that includes as its cornerstone the ______________ of _______ ________ ___________ within _______ years at a ______ of ____________ to the __________ of this __________ . Secondly, Northfield must _______ _________ __________ ______ ________ the very ___________ ___________ _________ and then ________ _______ _________ _________ _________ in a _________ manner. We can also not _________ __________ __________ the ___________ ___________ with respect to _________ __________ __________ ___________ __________ _________ _______ and others who __________ __________ ___________ _______ .

Thank ______,
Brendon Etter
Leading Write-In Candidate for Mayor"

"That's leadership by the people! That's a candidate for everyone! Join us, Northfield! Write in Brendon Etter for Mayor!" enthused Ackerman.

Despite repeated knocks on the bathroom door, Etter seemed unavailable to comment.

July 30, 2008

Brendon Etter May Also Become Mayor of Facebrook

It has come to my handsome attention that I am amassing a political power base in Facebrook.

Facebrook is a small town of which few people have ever heard. In the land of Facebrook, children run free, animals are well-behaved yet wild, food is plentiful, parents are happy and filled with love, the populace wants for nothing and stands for something.

I can change that.

After winning the Northfield mayoral race, which I'm certain is certainly a certainty at this point, we and the members of my Facebrook power team will march on Facebrook and expand Northfield's reach into bucolic communities! Not many will probably die.

Join us, won't you? Yes, you will.

After joining, let us know what ways you anticipate being bettered by standing in my reflected beauty and glory!

Leave your thoughts on campaign strategies!

Post videos of your campaign theme songs!

Share stories from the campaign trail!

Eat and drink to excess! (food and beverages not included)

Have sex, maybe with someone!

Do whatever you need to do to help us win the Northfield mayoral race!

Because when I win, you win! (your win not included)

Brendon Etter Announces Campaign Theme Song Contest

Based on the request and proper obsequiousness displayed by veteran supporter, Jimmy H, I would like to make a special announcement:

The First !Evar! Inaugural Annual Yearly Brendon Etter For Mayor Theme Song Writing And Performing Contest!

Do you have what it takes to compose a campaign theme song that will capture the hearts and wallets and groins of voters across the world?

Can you capture the greatness, the sexiness, the glory, the self-sacrificing humility of the Man and His Write-In Campaign?

Almost certainly you cannot, but give it your lame-ass best! This is America, after all!

I don't care where you do it. I don't care what the song contains. I don't care how much you pay me for the rights to use my name and aura in your cute, bumbling manner. I don't even care about you.

I only care that you do it.

Do. It. Now.

There will be two categories in which you can suck: Quality and Performance.

You can win in either or in both. You do not need to perform your song for me, as I'd rather not be bothered, but you should post the song lyrics and video of your performance on YouTube or the Brendon Etter For Mayor Facebook page.

Please do not harm any cute animals in the production of your video. Ugly ones - fine - but not the cute ones.

What will you win? Cash, or its equivalent in pride.

Very, very little in either case.

You should do this, however, not for the cash or pride, but for the greater good - namely, glorifying my candidacy and extolling my virtues.

Please tag all YouTube videos as "Brendon Etter for Mayor" so we needn't waste our time watching stupid things like dramatic "chipmunks" or fat guys dancing to German techno songs.

Also, I'll be counting each entry as a vote as per my widely-accepted UltraDemocracy principles.

That seems like the right thing to do. Why does a vote have to look like a vote? Hasn't America, haven't you grown past that simplistic representation of your candidate selection?

In the future, all votes will take place through videos on YouTube, and democracy shall be all the better and more exciting.

Get cracking, America!

With Almost Some Affection,
Brendon Etter
Genuinely Devastating Leading Write-In Candidate for Northfield Mayor

July 29, 2008

Brendon Etter, Leading Write-In Candidate for Mayor, Demands an Apology Now

Dear Citizens of Northfield,

It has come to my attention that certain people in this town are not planning to vote for me in November's mayoral election.

As bewildering as such a choice may be, I readily concede that those people have the right to be misguided. However, on the advice of my attorney, chief campaign strategist and personal chef, Britt Ackerman, LLC, LOL, RSVP, I am issuing a demand for a public apology from all such idiots.

This apology must be delivered in person, and also recorded for distribution on YouTube.

Failure to make such an apology will result in Northfield being sued a third time by my campaign. I'm sure we all understand how detrimental that will be to Northfield, the city I love so dear.

I cannot yet disclose the nature of the charges in this prospective third lawsuit, but Britt has informed me that it would be "big, big bad." She's a very good attorney. I'd do as she says.

The apology needn't be long and confusing. Just a simple admission of your pathetic understanding of the mayoral contest and of my obvious superiority as a candidate.

Here's how it could be worded:

"Dear Brendon,

You are so very great and handsome. Yet for reasons entirely attributable to my failings as a human, I am not anticipating voting for you this November. I greatly respect your beauty, your love for this community, and your generous ability to accept my humble plea, and I can only hope that I will see the error of my ways and do what is right by voting for you."

I hope that helps as you consider the particular form your apology will take.

Also, please remember to look at the floor and back out of the room after you've apologized. I'd hate to have to cause a scene or issue a fourth lawsuit.

Brendon Etter
Exceedingly Good-Looking Leading Write-In Candidate for Mayor of Northfield

July 28, 2008

Brendon Etter Answers Crucial Questions about His Write-In Mayoral Campaign

I get them all the time. Questions.

Annoying, pathetic, crucial questions I'm told I should answer to appear palatable to Joe and Jenny Voter out there.

So here are some of the questions I get, and the answers I'd like to think I would give if I decided to answer, which is unlikely - I'm too busy running for mayor. I don't have time to answer questions from people who I can't be sure are going to vote for me.

Why are you so handsome?
Good question. I'm guessing it has something to do with my outward appearance, chiseled physique, inner charm and self-sacrificing humility. I look so good, others look good by simply standing in my reflected beauty. This is something I do for the general public, sometimes for free.

How handsome are you?
Well, that's a tough one. Think George Clooney or Brad Pitt or elf-boy from Lord of the Rings, except good-looking and taller.

You have no real experience in public governance, don't you think people should be concerned about that when comparing you to some of the other candidates?
Let me take this question, if I may, by telling you a story about my grandfather. My grandfather was a hard-working, self-reliant and patriotic man. One day, while he was fixing a new piece of equipment at his farm, a piece of equipment he had not used very much, a piece of equipment with which he had "no real experience," a neighboring farmer who had worked on such equipment quite often over the years offered my grandfather help, claiming he knew what he was doing, and my grandfather could learn from watching him. My grandfather stood up and told his neighbor, "Fuck you," and then shot him in the face with a very large gun. He was quite a character, my grandfather. Next question?

What's your position on drugs in Northfield?
They're... bad? Hold on, let me check... yes, bad. That's my answer.

What do you bring to the job that the other candidates don't have?
Other than my astounding good looks and dizzying intelligence?

Yes, other than those things.
In a word, respect. Respect for all the citizens of Northfield, even the stupid and ugly ones.

What is your plan for Northfield?
Thank you for such a great question.

Do you think that the Mayor and City Council can effectively cooperate to lead Northfield?
Certainly! I'm very optimistic about that. In fact, I believe, if we apply ourselves, we could lead the entire state, eventually the entire Midwest, and once we get that far, and amass enough troops, most of the country should be easy to lead. We will cooperate very, very effectively.

Aren't you just being cynical and dismissive with your campaign when compared to the people who are volunteering to do the hard work of leading this city out of its recent tumult?
Pfff... whatever.

July 25, 2008

Brendon Etter Offers Smart, Cost-Cutting, "UltraDemocracy" Voting Measures as Key Plank in Mayoral Campaign Platform

Due to escalating gas prices, dwindling public coffers and falling voter turnout rates, leading write-in candidate for mayor of Northfield, the improbably good looking, Brendon Etter, today released details of his highly-anticipated "SuperVoter" Really Accessible Public Election plan.

"I'm concerned about eliminating barriers for as many people as possible. It stuns me that my opponents have yet to speak out for the enfranchisement of all possible voters. Everyone must be allowed to vote, and they should be allowed to vote in whatever way is easiest and most accessible for them," stated the candidate.

"My SuperVoter RAPE plan not only tears down walls to wider voter participation, like limited polling station hours, transportation costs for voters to get to the polls, arbitrary age, geography, or criminality checks, but it also will cost the City of Northfield very, very little," said Etter in the noon press conference.

Etter, with the assistance of chief legal counsel and confidante, Britt Ackerman, LLC, PCP, established the SuperVoter RAPE program to undo the restrictive, "almost fascistic legalese" which hinders voting in this country.

According to Ackerman, voters will now be able to e-mail or call Etter to tell him that they are voting for him (or for one of the other candidates). On a message pad by his kitchen phone, Etter will record the number of votes each candidate receives, and on election day, he or his duly-appointed representative will phone the City Clerk to certify the number of votes each candidate received in the race.

"The beauty of the SuperVoter RAPE program is the ease of use and the low cost," said Ackerman, "In fact, the City won't even have to operate polls on election day, ridding it of the costly paper, voting booth, set-up, take-down, vote verification and volunteer expenses."

"I'm willing to sacrifice, and do this for free," added Etter, "I don't hear any of my so-called 'freedom-loving' opponents calling for any of these sensible reforms."

Ackerman pointed out that they would even consider taking votes that they find on paper stuck under the windshield wipers of hers or Etter's cars.

"Why should we deny grocery shoppers and errand runners the right to vote where and when and how they want," queried Etter's top-level adviser, "We will even accept voice votes of people walking the street and expressing their support. Brendon's going to have his message pad with him at all times."

"Except when I don't, then I'll just remember how many people told me they were going to vote for me - or the other candidates - and I'll mark those votes down when I get home," clarified Etter, "You can vote from anywhere, at anytime, in any way you want. That's freedom. That's democracy. That's UltraDemocracy. That's a RAPE!"

July 24, 2008

Brendon Etter Announces His Second Lawsuit against the City of Northfield

Leading write-in candidate for mayor, Brendon Etter, announced to an impressed crowd of onlookers and sycophants today that his lead attorney and campaign strategist, Britt Ackerman, LLC, ABC, 123, has filed a second law suit against the City of Northfield.

Etter explained, "This is purely a back-up lawsuit, standard operating procedure in cases like this. Britt and I felt we needed the extra leverage and wiggle room that this secondary, precautionary lawsuit would afford us."

Etter's attorney, the tremendously talented and devoted Ackerman, noted that "this lawsuit, just like the first runner-up for Miss America, would step in to sue the City should the first lawsuit fail or be unable to perform its duties."

"We certainly don't anticipate losing the first lawsuit, nor does this indicate a shift in focus," said Ackerman, "we definitely are concentrating on collecting possible wrongs that Northfield may have visited upon our candidate, and we continue to push those unspecified charges through an unspecified military tribunal meeting in an undisclosed location for an unknown time frame."

"That's our duty as Americans," added Etter, "but what if we lose? We need to be ready with more charges to levy at a moment's notice. We should not wait until after that trial finishes. Northfield demands decisive action out of their next mayor, and that's exactly what I will give them."

Ackerman claimed that their efforts have the support of many prominent local citizens.

"So many people have told Brendon that they like him; that they support him. They are so sad that Northfield has treated him this way."

Etter opined, "With such unqualified support from my friends, I think it's pretty clear I was justified in launching both lawsuits. I mean, friends are always honest. They would never lead me astray."

July 23, 2008

Brendon Etter Releases Liquor Store Construction Plan for Northfield

Leading write-in mayoral candidate, the devastatingly attractive, Brendon Etter, today released an ambitious plan for bettering Northfield's economy.

Speaking from the roof of the current Municipal Liquor Store before a sell-out crowd, Etter declared that, if elected, he will build liquor stores "in every neighborhood, on every street corner, in every school."

"For too long, we have remained a community lacking adequate resources for getting our drink on. No more!"

Etter plans to build, using public funds, "at least fifty new liquor stores wherever possible" as he unveiled in his grand Five Year / Five Beer Plan.

"If every man, woman and child, and even just some of the pets, in Northfield consumed only five beers - or the equivalent of five beers - each day, we will be able to keep Northfield flush with cash for all the other important capital projects we so desperately need."

Etter went on to say that "a new library, new performing arts center, new safety center would be built within a year under this plan, and they would be a hell of a lot more fun to visit when completely plastered."

"If we combine the construction of these liquor stores with increased police surveillance of our borders to prevent the illegal importation of alcohol from neighboring communities or other sales outlets, then demand for alcohol will increase largely regardless of price. This means more cash for us, and less time for police to enforce unnecessary public intoxication laws."

"It's a win / win situation," said Etter.

Etter's chief campaign adviser, Britt Ackerman, LLC, CST, WWJD, summed up Etter's plan by paraphrasing former President Kennedy, "In essence, our candidate is saying: Ask not what your community can do for you, but what you and your liver can do for your community."

July 22, 2008

Brendon Etter Wonders Why the Other Mayoral Candidates Seem to Love Terrorism

I am posing an open question to the other mayoral candidates:

Exactly how much do you love terrorism?

This campaign is already a week old, plenty of time for each of Northfield's other mayoral candidates to disavow any affection for terrorism, but what have we heard so far?



That scares me. It should scare you.

Do we really want Northfield's next mayor to be silent on protecting us from terrorism?

I don't. I am the only candidate who has bravely stepped forward and said I hate terrorism.

And I don't just mean "hate" as in hating something, I mean "hate" as in "hate-hate".

Where have the other candidates been? No one knows, but they certainly don't seem to be publicly hate-hating terrorism like me.

So, I am giving them their chance here.

Exactly how much do you love terrorism?

The process is simple - answer the question here using a standard Likert scale with responses ranging from "a little" to "heaps and heaps".

If the public doesn't hear from you in the next few days on this site, then I guess we'll all know for sure where you stand.

Sex Scandal Rocks Brendon Etter's Mayoral Campaign, Internet Servers

A sex scandal severely rocked Brendon Etter's Write-In Mayoral campaign and website servers today, waking the candidate from his second mid-morning nap a full hour ahead of time and sending his web administration team into a light panic.

Etter's Minister of Defensiveness, Britt Ackerman, LLC, MP3, delivered a stirring admission to the public and an assembled reporter outside the candidate's Northfield Fortress of Solitude: "We had hired a new campaign adviser / aspiring actress to revive some flagging aspects of Brendon's candidacy. She came to us highly recommended by several southern California film producers, plus her name made her seem like a perfect fit for this campaign. How were we supposed to know that she would deceive us so?"

The campaign adviser, 23-year old supermodel May Oral, apparently had other plans and unknown abilities for exploiting Etter's innocence, according to Ackerman.

"Ms. Oral, who lured Brendon into a one-on-one strategy session in her shower, unpredictably lived up to her name. It is extremely unfortunate that, unbeknownst to our extremely-innocent candidate, both cameramen, the boom mic operator and the lighting technicians in Ms. Oral's bathroom were filming during the encounter."

In an effort to prove his innocence in the matter, Etter's campaign quickly released the half-hour video on their campaign website where they charged $4.95 per visit to "defer web-hosting and potential legal expenses."

Ackerman noted that the video "completely exonerated our candidate in this matter. In some of the close-up shots you could clearly see the evil in her eyes. She genuinely seemed to be enjoying the damage she was inflicting upon this campaign."

In an unfortunate turn of events, the campaign website received so many hits that Etter's campaign servers crashed.

"They actually melted from all that traffic. We lost the video file. This created a sticky legal situation and a lot of customer service complaints."

Ackerman acknowledged that the campaign was able to earn enough money from the video to buy new servers. "With the original film lost, the harsh reality means the only way we can prove our candidate's innocence to more customer-voters is to re-shoot the footage. We're not taking any chances this time. We're using our candidate and Ms. Oral and even using the same crew that happened to be there during the first encounter."

"We've got some new producers lined up and the soundtrack is being done by that one guy who did the Star Wars music. Plus, we'll have to charge $6.95 now. Other than that, everything will be identical to the first film."

To help achieve verisimilitude, shooting is expected to take four or five days.

"It must be understood, as unfortunate a situation as we find ourselves in, that our candidate had already proactively apologized for any future misdeeds a couple days ago. So, on the rare possibility that anyone might think Brendon, and not this strumpet, is somehow culpable for his behavior, the apology had been made ahead of time."

July 21, 2008

Brendon Etter Asks: Why Waste Your Vote on a Candidate That's Just Going to Win?

Dear Local and Auxiliary Voters,

Have you grown tired of going to the polls only to check a box for the victorious candidate? So have I.

Why would you want to waste your vote on a candidate that's just going to win anyway?

The winning candidate, being the winner, doesn't need your vote. She or he won, otherwise we wouldn't say he or she was the winner.

With or without you, that greedy candidate will have won.

What does this mean? If you vote for the winning candidate, your vote will have been effectively stolen from you by a selfish person who doesn't even need it!

This vote hoarding must stop! It corrupts our most basic democratic right: the right to vote freely for any candidate.

Why would you want your vote to be thrown away on a hopeless winning case?

We must - must - stand up to this chicanery that allows winning candidates to walk away with the office without regard to the thousands of votes rendered useless by victory.

How do we do this?

Refuse to vote for the winning candidate!

That's the only way to fix this broken system. If enough of us refuse to vote for the winning candidate, and instead vote for a candidate that will lose, like a write-in candidate, then the winning candidate will not be able to confiscate all those votes by winning.

The fight will not be easy, but fight we must, dear citizens.

Fight we must.

July 20, 2008

Brendon Etter Makes, Burns Public Apology

In a stunning development today, stunning and leading write-in candidate for Northfield Mayor, Brendon Etter, stunned the entire city by issuing a public apology.

"I only wish this all-inclusive, retroactive and proactive public apology had been attended by more members of the public." stated Etter. "As it turned out, it was just me and my attorney, Britt Ackerman, LLC, VIP, LRT hanging out on Bridge Square at 3 a.m."

Ackerman was quick to add, "The fact that no members of the public showed up does not make my candidate's far-reaching apology any less public. Too bad, because he gave a beautiful speech, especially considering how hammered he was at the time."

Etter's apology, which he insists cannot be recreated or published here due to the fact that he and Ackerman ceremoniously cleansed the campaign by burning the only copy, reportedly contained a full list of wrongs he thinks the public might have picked up on. "Besides, it was all about the moment. You know? I don't want to try to redo perfection. That never really works."

"Incidentally, I even apologized for not getting a burning permit before we torched the apology."

Ackerman noted that the apology was unique in that it effectively absolves Etter for not only past mistakes but also "future misdeeds, misstatements or fuck-ups, in perpetuity."

"The apologizing-for-future-crimes thing was my idea, sort of like a lifetime of papal indulgences in one easy public decree. I'm pretty proud of myself for that bit." said Ackerman. "Man, too bad no one else was there. Brendon was totally contrite about everything. It was quite moving."

Etter summed up, "Now that I've apologized for everything, I think we can move forward in this campaign. Why would anyone be so small-minded as to harp on and on about something for which I've already made a public apology? Let's not dwell on the past. Or the future, for that matter."

July 17, 2008

Brendon Etter Bestows New Campaign Slogans Upon Northfield

In a musk-scented missive inscribed on dried rhino hide, Brendon Etter's staff today bestowed new campaign slogans upon the unsuspecting citizens of Northfield.

A brief statement prefacing the new slogans cautioned the populace that these are not alternative slogans, but rather new, additional slogans to be used with any of the other previously-released slogans.

The slogans -

Brendon Etter: He Might Be O.K. At This
Brendon Etter: Brendon! Etter!
Brendon Etter: Putting The "Paign" In Campaign
Brendon Etter: He Has Ideas About Stuff
Brendon Etter: Vaguely Concerned About Your Needs
Brendon Etter: Hell Yeah!
Brendon Etter: Close Personal Friend To Everyone
Brendon Etter: Double Plus Good
Brendon Etter: Vote For Him Or You're An Idiot
Brendon Etter: How Did We Get So Lucky?
Brendon Etter: The Decider
Brendon Etter: He Loves Me
Brendon Etter: The Great Promiser Of Things
Brendon Etter: Would Have Kicked Hitler's Ass
Brendon Etter: As Seen In T.V.

Brendon Etter Announces His First Lawsuit against the City of Northfield

Ahead of his almost-certain victory in the Northfield mayoral race where he holds a commanding lead among write-in candidates, Brendon Etter today issued a preemptive and peremptory lawsuit against the City of Northfield.

"It's important to note that this lawsuit has been filed by my personal attorney and impersonal masseuse, Britt Ackerman, LLC, MVP, BLT, as a sign of my love for this fine city.

"I feel, and Britt concurs, that a city operates best when there are guidelines and procedures imposed upon it by the constant threat of legal action. This is the ultimate promise of American democracy. We want to make sure Northfield fulfills its potential in this way."

Etter claims the suit is a reverse class action. "It's one person suing everyone in Northfield."

Ackerman realizes the difficulty of such a lawsuit. "At first, it hurt to file a lawsuit that, as a resident of Northfield, listed me as one of the defendants, but Brendon reminded me that he was sacrificing as well. His wife and kids are Northfield citizens. He's suing them too. That takes courage, to not make any exceptions in your legal procedures, even at the expense of your own family. That's the kind of brave leader Brendon Etter is."

Ackerman followed up, tears glazing her eyes, "He's all alone in this case. Standing up for what's right, by himself!"

At this time, Etter cannot reveal the nature of the charges in his lawsuit as he instructed Ackerman to file the suit with an underground military tribunal.

"I have had to label all of Northfield as 'potential enemy combatants' against me. We need to keep this lawsuit open-ended so as not to limit charges that could be secretly added later. Letting Northfield citizens get away with future violations against me or my financial interests wouldn't be fair to Northfield. How would they ever learn to better themselves?"

"Also, this is just the first in what will certainly be a long line of lawsuits we will use to care for Northfield over the next few years," added Ackerman, "You can't relax your guard for a moment or the City will become lazy and undisciplined."

On the nature of costs associated with this lawsuit, Etter asserted that "you can't put a price on civic education," he then remarked, off his impeccably-tailored cuffs, "You know, Britt believed in this cause so much she was prepared to do the work pro bono. However, since it is being filed by a future officer of the City for the benefit of the City, the City would be paying her legal fees. Understanding this stark reality, Britt then felt forced to triple her hourly rate."

Ackerman said, "I'm actually quadrupling it, because I would have to cover any judgment against myself as one of the defendants. Plus, I mean, we're suing a lot of people here."

July 16, 2008

Brendon Etter Releases Schedule for Future Successes, Failures of His Mayoral Campaign

Britt Ackerman, LLC, PB&J, trend-setting spokeswoman for Brendon Etter, the leading write-in candidate for mayor, released the following statement today to a crowded crowd of reporters, DJs and scenesters.

"Brendon Etter knows that it creates a much better story when you and your campaign can be seen as down and out, only to be revived. Given new life, only to be thrown to the mat again, which allows for a dramatic re-ascendancy from which you can be summarily toppled and from which toppling you can rise like a phoenix from the ashes of humiliation.

"Brendon Etter also knows that this would be a tiresome process. A process in which he would rather not engage. In its place, Brendon Etter is issuing a full time-table of his campaign's ups and downs as they will play out in keenly orchestrated fashion over the next four months.

"Brendon Etter is not necessarily committing to each of these events actually happening, as he is a very busy man, but he would appreciate if the press would report the events that are laid out in the itinerary as if they did happen.

"For example, tomorrow you would report that Brendon Etter will have been kidnapped by the opposition. In two weeks time, he will ink his first book deal about his roller coaster candidacy and the implications for American democracy.

"Those are just some of the high points. The campaign, however, must crash occasionally in order to have depths from which to resurrect itself. We do not wish to release those to the general public at this time, and ask that the press write in a very shocked, outraged or surprised manner when these scheduled lowpoints occur.

"We will let this teaser slip: One of the bad moments involves seven ferrets and a chainsaw.

"Though unnecessary, please stay tuned for more."

At this point in the press conference, Ackerman played a prerecorded snippet of Etter explaining his reasoning behind the highly-detailed road map of his campaign's future successes and failures.

"It makes my campaign more like one of those touching, soft-lit, athlete biography pieces they play all the time during the Olympics. Everyone loves that shit, right?"

Brendon Etter for Mayor Website Webbed! Plus More Slogans!

Check it out right here, kiddies. The webb-ed sight is there. We need to work on some of the details; so keep checking back for vital changes.

It needs more virulent, punchy patriotism, that's for sure. We probably need to make fun of French people, too. That's a given.

I want people to understand that I'm not going to talk down to them. I'm only going to speak to them in the short, barking, America-first sloganeering their tiny brains can understand.

In that vein, here are more slogans:
- Brendon Etter: How Are You?
- Brendon Etter: Shut Up, French Person!
- Brendon Etter: Taxes Suck!
- Brendon Etter: Choke On My Patriotism, You Damn Terrorist!
- Brendon Etter: Seriously.
- Brendon Etter: It Is A Privilege To Vote For Someone Of His Caliber.
- Brendon Etter: Whatever's Cool With You.
- Brendon Etter: A Must!
- Brendon Etter: He Hates What You Hate.

Brendon Etter Unsuspends His Mayoral Campaign

Brendon Etter, the leading write-in candidate for Northfield's mayor, today announced that the previous suspension of his campaign, announced at 11 p.m. last night, has itself been suspended.

By suspending the suspension, Etter has re-entered the race, his devilishly untidy coif flowing behind him, as the undisputed front runner among write-in candidates for the mayor's office.

Last night, in a hectic, hastily called press conference held poolside at his Caucasus Mountains retreat, Etter called off his campaign due to "exhaustion." This morning, his tune had changed considerably.

"That was nothing a good thirteen hours of sleep couldn't cure." claimed Etter. "My exhaustion had much less to do with the stress and strain of the campaign trail and more to do with going for a vigorous five-mile sprint in ninety-degree heat."

"Plus the cocaine, which I take only on a prescription basis, has helped immensely."

Etter expects to return to Northfield to resume the campaign once his private hydrocopter has been cleaned, refueled and restocked with koala meat.

The koala meat is also used medicinally, according to Etter's team of physicians and healers.

The Golden Boy of Northfield's insurgent underground political scene, about whom so little is known but so much expected, flashed his heart-melting smile and went back to working with his charitable organization which strives to give orphans the world over much needed, practical, intensive work experience in critically understaffed factories and other off-shore entities.

"You should see their little eyes light up!" beamed Etter.

July 15, 2008

Brendon Etter Suspends His Mayoral Campaign

Citing "campaign exhaustion," local man, Brendon Etter, suspended his Northfield mayoral write-in campaign.

Sources close to the very sexy candidate have said that the intense pressure and bitter political climate in town have taken a physical toll on his well-sculpted, almost-stunning body.

"I knew when I threw my hat in the ring at noon today that the constant stress of a mayoral campaign could be detrimental to me, my family and my hot, trendy coterie of sycophantic hangers-on. We have weathered many storms in the past eleven hours and forty-five minutes, but I must recognize that enough is enough. I have a duty to myself and my personal attendants." stated Etter from poolside at his spa retreat in the southern Caucasus Mountains.

When pressured by reporters, Etter was quick to note that he will still serve as mayor if elected as a write-in candidate.

"Certainly, I would serve, if that were the case. I can't let down my fans or constituents. I'm simply saying that I'm done campaigning. It wears you out."

Etter then retreated to his heavily-guarded cabana; a golden glint off his well-muscled back causing the media to sigh for the possible photo opportunities his candidacy would surely have provided. Most of them for free.

Brendon Etter Is Running for Mayor of Northfield

Dear Citizens of Northfield, Living and/or Dead,

I am announcing today, in this august forum in July, my intention to run for the Mayor of Northfield as a write-in candidate.

I do not wish to play that sly insider's game of officially filing for candidacy. I don't want to waste the five dollars or valuable city staff time. Running as a write-in candidate makes the most sense.

How much sense?

I'm a runner; so running for mayor makes sense. I'm a writer; so a write-in candidacy makes sensier. I once also went on a date with a girl named Candi; so being a candidate makes sensiest.

- More money for everyone!
- More freedom!
- A chicken in every hot tub in every car in every garage!
- More smoky sensuality!
- Capable of listening to stupid things other leaders say!
- Kids eat for free on Thursdays!
- Occasional control of the weather!
- Will build liquor stores everywhere I possibly can!

- Hardly ever been convicted of anything.
- Great arm from centerfield.
- Smoky sensuality.
- Relatively firm handshake.
- Avoid conflict of interest issues by not being interested in anything.
- No known communicable diseases.
- An ardent, passionate, drooling, erotic lust for helping others.
- Not a complete idiot.

Because the good and bad citizens of this fair city expect so many different things out of their mayor, I find it better to have as many different slogans as possible, depending on who is paying attention. Here are some of them. I will add more as the political winds / events change. I think that's only fair. Some of these were originally posted here.

- Brendon Etter: Mayor-y Me
- Brendon Etter: Less Stupider Than You Might Think
- Brendon Etter: Ribbed, For Your Civic Pleasure
- Brendon Etter: He Knows Things About You Your Vote Might Keep Under Wraps
- Brendon Etter: Probably Fighting Terrorism
- Brendon Etter: He Really Loves You
- Brendon Etter: He's Got A Flexible Plan Of Some Sort
- Brendon Etter: Committed To Xsellents
- Brendon Etter: Against Evil Things
- Brendon Etter: So Smokily Sensual
- Brendon Etter: He's A Candidate
- Brendon Etter: Do You Have Children
- Brendon Etter: w00t w00t

I need a campaign manager and an organizational team. Could someone write some supporting letters to the local newspaper?

If you want to be involved on the Brendon Etter Write-In Candidacy for the Mayor of Northfield 2008 Team, just let me know in the comments section.

What are the issues? What is our approach? Who do we like? Who do we hate? Let me know. I have no idea. I'll listen to anyone, even stupid people, that's how kind I am!

Love and Kisses,
Brendon Etter

July 13, 2008

I Am No Longer Allowed To Dive For The Following Things At The Public Pool

1. Cute female lifeguards. They are people, not "things" according to the semantics-obsessed prosecuting attorney.

2. My car. Even though I was obviously the one who drove it in there both times.

3. The Legendary Treasure of del Rico Alta. This is unfortunate, as I'm pretty sure our next excavation in the deep end would have turned up something considerable.

4. Endless possibilities. All possibilities end at the bottom of the pool, appropriately enough.

5. Lightbulbs. Whole or broken.

6. Pearls. Even if I take the oysters out of the can, this is not allowed.

7. That blue color. Where does it come from? The water gets in the way.

8. Corpses. It's not so much that I'm not allowed to dive for them anymore; it's just that it doesn't provide the joy it once did now that we've run out of the extra spicy barbecue sauce.

9. Love. I think they are really being nit picky on this one. Just because I can't "prove" that the relationship is mutual doesn't mean the nun didn't have feelings for me. Obviously, someone begged me - begged me, damnit - to hold her underwater for that long. I don't care if she can't respond, why would she beg if she didn't love me?

Returned: The Returning, Part II of The Return Cycle

I'm back. I've returned from where I was. I am no longer there. Now, I am here.

If I were still there, I would have yet to return. I would be in a state of not-returning or unreturning.

Also, the state of New Hampshire.

But, I am no longer in a state of not-returning or New Hampshire, since I have returned.

In fact, I was only in the state of returning for a couple days while I was returning, but, since I am done returning to the full extent possible, in that I have returned, I would again be in a state of not-returning or unreturning.

Also, Minnesota. State of.

So, whether I was here or there, I was in the state of not-returning, even though I was and am in two completely different states at the same time.

I am in a state of quantum return.

The crazy thing is that most of the time I was in these various states of returning or not, I was moving in functionally straight lines.

I don't recall doing a lot of turning one way or the other. Or doing it again.

So, even while in the apparent act of returning, I was not really returning.

Whether returning or not, therefore, I was not-returning or unreturning, yet again.

I was in a state of quantum return.

So, wherever I go, I am always and forever returning and not-returning.

Also, I went hiking.