February 28, 2007

A Play A Day #321

Second Second Chance


Setting: Outside of front door of Stephanie's house.

(Enter Wallace, he walks to the door, knocks, Stephanie opens door)

Wallace: Hey! There you are!

Stephanie: Hi, Wallace! I'm almost ready; just want to get some different earrings.

W: Oh, okay...

S: First date. I want it to be my favorite pair. A little quirk of mine.

W: Yeah, there's no need to bother though... I mean I'm just going to get you really drunk, fuck you in the back seat of my Hyundai, then leave you in the parking lot.

S: (pause, too stunned, not sure that she even understood what he said) Wha... No... no, no, no, you will not! (slams door in his face)

W: (knocking on door a couple times, feebly) Crap...

(starts walking away from door, door opens slowly behind him)

S: Hey... ummm... I really thought you were different, but, against my better judgment, after what you said, I'm going to go out with you tonight, anyway. No alcohol for either of us. Understood.

W: Great! Great! Sure. Sure. Sure.

(they start walking off, together)

W: Even if you're not drunk, I can still fuck you in the car, right?

(S runs back into house)

W: (looking dejected) Man... what the hell?

(starts exiting, door opens a crack behind it, W hears this, turns around)

W: Stephanie! I'm sorry! I'm sorry! I don't know what I was saying! Please, let's just go out. No drinking, no sex, I'll bring you back here whenever you want, no questions asked.

S: Why are you acting this way? You're so nice to me at work.

W: Sorry. Sorry. I know. C'mon. Let's go.

S: (steps outside) Alright. Please treat me with respect, Wallace; that's what I've always liked about you. That doesn't have to change just because we are on a date.

W: You're absolutely right, of course. I'm really sorry.

S: Apology accepted. To Allegheri's we go!

W: Oh yeah, about that... can we go out to a pizza place instead?

S: What? Not Allegheri's? It's supposed to be fabulous.

W: And really expensive.

S: Oh. You... you didn't want to spend that much?

W: Well, no... it's just that I'll need the extra cash to pay for a good hooker after I drop you off...

S: You asshole! (hits him, storms into house)

W: (recovering, plaintively moaning toward her door) Since you're not going to put out, is all I meant... you know, it's just a little quirk of mine... (pause) Jeez, some people...

(walks off as lights fade)


February 27, 2007

A Play A Day #320

Sentence Death

Direct Object
Indirect Object
Prepositional Phrase

Setting: The ether of idea and thought.

(Lights up, enter Subject)

Subject: Subject. Subject. Subject. Subject. Subject. Subject....

(continues softly)

(enter Verb, muttering, looking at floor)

Verb: Verb. Verb. Verb. Verb. Verb. Verb....

(continues softly)

(eventually Verb bumps into Subject, they look at each other, their hearts open up, great passion develops, they hug and look into each other's eyes)

Subject: Verb?

Verb: (nodding) Subject?

(Subject nods, they continue holding onto each other and walking around the stage)

Verb: Subject verb.

Subject: Subject verb.

(continues softly in any manner Subject and Verb wish, enter Adjective)

Adjective: Adjective. Adjective. Adjective. Adjective. Adjective. Adjective.

(Subject and Verb move to Adjective)

Subject: Adjective? (points to self) Subject. (points to Verb) Verb.

Adjective: (eyes light up, points to self) Adjective!

(they all hug, and begin speaking quickly, excitedly)

Adjective: Adjective subject verb!

Subject: Subject verb adjective!

Verb: Adjective verb subject!

(continue on softly with variations on that theme, enter Direct Object)

Direct Object: Direct object. Direct object. Direct object. Direct Object. Direct Object.

(continues softly)

(the group approaches)

Verb: Direct object?

Direct Object: (nodding) Direct object.

Verb: (introducing) Verb. Subject. Adjective.

(They all touch Direct Object)

Direct Object: (stunned at this turn of events, huge smile) Verb? Subject? Adjective?

(Verb, Subject and Adjective all nodding)

Direct Object: Subject verb adjective direct object!

(variations on this as they hug and walk around, delerium at their good fortune, enter Indirect Object)

Indirect Object: Indirect object. Indirect object. Indirect object. Indirect object. Indirect object. Indirect object. Indirect object.

(continue softly)

(group approaches)

Direct Object: Indirect Object?

Indirect Object: (nodding) Indirect object.

Direct Object: Direct object!

(they all hug, introduce themselves)

Adjective: Adjective!

Subject: Subject!

Verb: Verb!

Indirect Object: Verb subject adjective indirect object direct object!

(this continues softly and excitedly, enter Prepositional Phrase)

Prepositional Phrase: Prepositional Phrase. Prepositional Phrase. Prepositional Phrase. Prepositional Phrase. Prepositional Phrase. Prepositional Phrase.

(continues softly, group approaches)

Subject: Prepositional phrase?

(Prepositional Phrase nods)

Subject: (introducing) Subject. Verb. Adjective. Direct object. Indirect object.

(Prepositional Phrase jumps into the arms of the group)

Prepositional Phrase: Verb subject prepositional phrase adjective indirect object direct object!

(variations continue for a little while, then they draw very close in the group hug, quiet words are exchanged)

All: (A chant, starting in low, then starting to grow) Sentence. Sentence. Sentence! Sentence!! Sentence!!! Sentence!!!!

(They quiet down, then they nod in agreement, they spread out, taking time to put themselves into proper order, shuffling around, then joining hands, facing audience, looking triumphant and glorious, they are in order, left to right, as they speak)

Subject: Salad...

Verb: remembered...

Indirect Object: himself...

Adjective: intractable...

Direct Object: colon...

Prespositional Phrase: with seagulls!

(they smile a little less excitedly, then look confused, then say it again, more quietly)

Subject: Salad...

Verb: remembered...

Indirect Object: himself...

Adjective: intractable...

Direct Object: colon...

Prespositional Phrase: with seagulls...

(they barely acknowledge one another as they part company, each slowly wandering off stage, speaking meekly, at the same time)

Subject: Subject. Subject. Subject. Subject.... (continues as Subject exits)

Verb: Verb. Verb. Verb. Verb.... (continuing during exit)

Direct Object: Direct object. Direct object. Direct object. Direct object.... (while exiting)

Prepositional Phrase: Prepositional phrase. Prepositional phrase. Prepositional phrase. Prepositional phrase.... (while exiting)

Indirect Object: Indirect object. Indirect object. Indirect object. Indirect object.... (while exiting)

(Adjective stands there, dismayed but thinking, looks up and asks for help)

Adjective: Writer?

(lights out)


February 26, 2007

A Play A Day #319

Liking Sports


Setting: Bare stage

(Lights up, enter Kent and Clint, opposite sides of the stage, they walk until they are toe-to-toe.)

Kent: You first.

Clint: No. You.

K: (angry and slowly) I... love... you... so... much!

C: (pause) That didn't ring true for some reason.

K: I mean it!

C: I'm not convinced.

K: I LOVE you!

C: So easy for you to say.

K: It's so... true!

C: Liar.

K: You have to go now!

C: Do you mean that it's my turn, or that I have to leave?

K: (long pause) Yes.

C: Forget it.

K: Okay... it's your turn.

C: I love you so much more.

K: Bastard!

C: It's true!

K: You lie!

C: No!

K: Yes!

(long pause, they fume)

C: You know, none of this is believable.

K: It all sounds fake to me too.

C: What are we even saying?

K: I don't know any more.

C: It's like we deny our true selves.

K: We seem ready to understand each other.

C: Then something happens.

K: One of us says something.

C: Something the other doesn't like.

K: And we start to fight.

C: The words come so fast.

K: I mean just because you like baseball.

C: I do.

K: And I detest most organized sports.

C: Yes.

K: Doesn't mean we need to fight about it so personally.

C: Saying things that we will only regret.

K: Like we just did.

C: Like we just finished doing.

K: When we really meant to say something else.

C: Like all that agression comes from the darkness of denial.

K: Our inability to express our true feelings.

C: Because we fear societal sanction.

K: The angry words masking what we really want to say.

C: Keeping us violently repressed.

K: By our own worst fears.

C: Which are truly our fondest hopes.

K: To connect.

C: To connect.

(long pause)

K: I love you.

C: Yes. Baseball is a beautiful game.

(lights fade as they exit together)


February 25, 2007

A Play A Day #318

Once Upon A Time The End


Setting: Two chairs, facing audience.

(Lights up, enter Kevin)

Kevin: Here we are. The end of things.

(sits, enter Luna)

Luna: I met a man!


K: We have tried everything.

L: Handsome.

K: Counseling.

L: Funny.

K: Getaways.

L: Kind.

K: Books.

L: The first date went so well.

K: What can we do to save it?

L: Good food and so relaxing and many, many kisses.

K: We don't even kiss anymore.

L: Such a good kisser!

K: It's time to decide if we want to fight for this.

L: So many dates. He knew where to go. He knew how to turn me on.

K: Is it worth it?

L: He's very confident in himself.

K: Of course you love me.

L: Sometimes to the point of being stuck-up.

K: We disagree on some things.

L: Never believes he can make a mistake.

K: I don't think we really ever fight.

L: We argue.

K: We just sail along; we will accomplish so much together.

L: Why does he do that?!

K: She looks so good on my arm.

L: He gets so critical.

K: Tall.

L: Even harsh.

K: Skinny.

L: God forbid I gain one pound!

K: Radiant.

L: He'll attack me for it!

K: She's just so hot!

L: I'm not his arm candy!

K: Everyone notices me when I'm with her.

L: I'm not a doll!

K: The first date was amazing.

L: I should have seen it coming.

K: Lots of kissing.

L: Why did I mistake handsome for deep, charming for meaningful, eager for committed?

K: This is going to be so great!

L: We've tried everything.

K: I'm going to have some jealous friends.

L: It's not worth it. I will not be any man's trophy.

K: I met a woman!

L: So, here we are. The end of things.

(they look at each other, lights out)


February 24, 2007

A Play A Day #317

Know Your Disease


Setting: An office, two comfortable chairs, small table, bookshelf and desk with desk chair.

(Lights up, Olive is on the phone)

Olive: Yes... obviously I want what's best for James... I always have.... No... no... no... it's... no... no, but why... but why would we want to continue with... because you just said that you wanted to...

I understand... right... but you said you wanted it to continue and you know, you know, it can't... Thank you... yes, Paul, of course, yes... yes, I loved you... why do I have to keep saying that... you know, no. Paul... Paul... Paul... Paul... Paul! Stop! Alright... no... yes, you have every right to speak, and I have every right to tell you not to; so just stop! No... No... that doesn't even make sense... Paul... yes, I care... I care a lot! I seem to recall that you were the one who forgot how to care, or who to care for!

Don't start? Don't start?! You called me, Paul! You called me at my work to start this... to... yes, and now... with that too... these accusations... accusing me! ME! of all the things you did!

Oh, don't you just know it?! Yes! You were the one coming home at five in the morning! I was putting James to bed... where's my husband? Where's Daddy? That's all he asked... that was it... and I knew! I knew! That little question from a four year old boy was what tripped it in my mind... what cut through the denial... yes... yes... I knew, I knew, I knew I knew for a long time, but James said that... he said that and I finally had to confess it to myself... and... no... no... and I knew what the answer was... but how... how do you tell your four year old that Daddy is fucking the checkout girl from the liquor store?!!

Bullshit! You know I hardly drank at the time, but you kept coming home with more and more liquor... you know... yeah... that was kind of a clue, Paul. How many bottles of fancy wine did you need to pretend to buy for me?

Because... because... you don't know a damn thing about wine, Paul... you drink... you only drink crappy beer... yeah... Paul... I don't even like wine! I never have! You knew that... you knew that for eight years... then suddenly there's wine. Everywhere.... 'Oh let's try this new Merlot' (she pronounces this mur-laht with the 't') ... no... yes, I know it's pronounced mer-low, I said mer-laht because that's what you said, that's how you pronounced it!

Right... trying to impress the checkout girl with your oh-so-refined tastes... she must have gone all googly with your extensive knowledge of mer-lahts and rice-lings... You know what? You know what? ... No, because it was so typical of your operating style... you pretend... you make up a life that you don't lead to impress women who would never want to lead your real life with you.

I do not care if other men lie to cute girls! I don't care! I don't care if every fucking man in the worl lie to cute girls to make themselves look more desirable! That's fine! Women do the same thing all the time. It's called make-up. ... but... but... would you... no, just... just listen... listen... I was not married to every fucking man in the world. I was married to you, and you were just fucking my world.

Eight years... a baby and eight years, Paul, and I loved you... I loved you... I supported your crazy dreams... your worthless "art" ... your so-called careers... I did that. I did it all for you...

You said you were going out for Brandy... hmmm... yeah... then two hours later you were home... yeah... a very long time to go twenty blocks... but... in the bag was another bottle of mer-laht! No... yeah... more wine... more wine, Paul... truth is, you were going out for Brandy, you were going in and out for Brandy all the time... but you never brought Brandy home.

You... WHAT! You pig!! You absolute horrible pig! ... Fine.. fine... rub it in! Yeah! Big thrill!! Piss off the ex-wife! Fine! Fine!! Whatever! So you fucked her in our bed! ... ohhhh, and our tub? Yes... ohh, you're such a big man!! You know what!? You know what!? I don't care if my underwear was too small for her... you're so pathetic! Fine... so you fucked a fattie! ... I hope she felt something for you too... just probably wasn't between her big fat legs...

Just shut up!! ... Shut! Up!! Damnit!! ... Fuck you! ... You.... YOU FUCKING LOUSY BASTARD!! FUCK YOU!! No! You wouldn't dare! ... Don't even...!!

(long pause, she seethes into the phone, she starts in low and gradually gets more and more ludicrously angry)

You... you just called me out, and now you're going to suffer the consequences... that went so far beyond the pale that no court in the land would convict me for what I'm going to do to you! I could sue you, but that would be too slow, and too public... you need to be taken down!! First, the dick comes off!! I know a lot of people with a lot of connections, Paul, and you just signed your death warrant!! Then a small razor blade cut, one cut somewhere on your body for every miserable person who buys a copy or sees it online... I will!! You cannot fuck with this woman!! No you can't!! I will destroy you!! No one will miss you!!! Brandy left months ago!! I know!! I had a friend ask around. You've got nothing! NOTHING!! YOU ARE GOING TO BE DISAPPEARED! POOF!! I'll find a new Daddy for James!! I will tell him you never fucking existed!!! He's too young to really remember! Don't sleep too soundly!! You... filthy... !!!!!

(she slams down the phone into the cradle repeatedly, she stops, screams into her hands, phone beeps)

Voice: Your 1:30 is here.

Olive: (measured voice) Send him in.

(Olive composes herself with almost no effort at all, she is, effectively, a brand new person in a matter of seconds)

(Enter Gary. Olive stands up greets him with a gracious handshake, they sit in the two comfortable chairs)

Olive: (with genuine compassion and empathy) Gary? You don't look so well... is that an accurate thing for me to say to start our session today?

Gary: I've just... I've been so angry this past week, you know?

Olive: Well, it's natural to get angry; do you know how to handle your anger appropriately?

Gary: Not really; that's one of the reasons I come to you.

Olive: We'll work on that, but, first, it will help me if you could tell me what you think is behind your anger.

Gary: Ummm... well... I never told you this before... but... well... I met this girl in a liquor store a couple months ago.

Olive: Oh?

Gary: My wife just found out about her on Monday.

Olive: Tell me more about this? Why has this made you angry?

Gary: Well, my wife is being so unreasonable about the whole thing. I mean, come on...

Olive: (with a slight chuckle) Ohhh, women....

(lights out)


February 23, 2007

A Play A Day #316

Damned If You Do/Don't


Setting: Sofa.

(Lights up, Willa sits on front edge of the sofa, she is oddly slack, but still sitting upright, she is asleep but awake. Enter Yvette, perky.)

Yvette: There you are.

(pause, she moves to sit by Willa)

Y: Willa? Hey. Willa?

(she sits, gently shakes Willa by the shoulders)

Y: Willa? Hi. It's me. Willa? Willa. Willa. Willa!

(Willa lets her mouth fall open, drools, and slurs)

Willa: Whuuu...?

Y: What's wrong? What's up? Are... hey... you're drooling... Willa?!

W: Whuuu...?

Y: Are you on drugs?

W: Nuuhh...

Y: You're freaking me out, girlfriend... What's going on here?

W: Sleeee...

Y: Yeah, you need to sleep, yeah. I'd say that was true... okay...

W: Kayyyyy...?

Y: Yeah. Sleep sweetie. You're going to die if you don't get some sleep.

W: Whuuuu...?

Y: Ohh... yeah, it's well known that if you don't get any sleep for a long period of time, your heart will stop. Pop. You're gone, off, dead.

W: Nuuuhhh...

Y: You better get to sleep, Willa. This is no good.

W: Caaahhhnnnt.

Y: You have to!

W: Tooooooo.... tiiiiirrrrrrrr....

Y: You can't be too tired to sleep... that's an old lie.

W: Oooooohhhh....

Y: (helping W to lay down on the couch, taking off W's shoes, putting blanket over her) Here you go... there... this was probably all my fault, wasn't it? You not sleeping. Sorry. I didn't realize that it would effect you so strongly. (beat) Well, nighty-night! (Y moves to the exit) Yeah. I never should have told you about those bizarre cases of perfectly healthy women dying in their sleep for no reason.

(Y shuts off the lights, exits)

(small spot on W's face as she snaps her eyes wide open, shakes)

(spotlight off)


February 22, 2007

A Play A Day #315


Mike - non-speaking
Jessa - non-speaking
Mara - non-speaking
Tim - non-speaking
Laura - non-speaking

Setting: Bare stage, a rope hanging down in the center, just touching the floor)

(Enter Mike)

Voice: (loud, but smooth) Pull the rope. Get a surprise.

(Mike pulls down on the rope. Nothing happens. Pause.)

Voice: Surprise.

(Exit Mike shaking his head a little)

(Enter Jessa)

Voice: Pull the rope. Get a surprise.

(Same as before)

Voice: Surprise.

(Jessa stomps off)

(Enter Mara)

Voice: Pull the rope. Get a surprise.


Voice: Surprise.

(Mara walks off laughing to herself)

(Enter Tim)

Voice: Pull the rope. Get a surprise.


Voice: Surprise.

(Tim pulls again, harder. Nothing. He pulls again, very hard. Nothing. He now starts attacking the rope, pulling harder and harder. Nothing. He storms off, seething, muttering some choice words to himself.)

(Enter Laura, a young girl)

Voice: Pull the rope. Get a surprise.

(Laura looks at the rope, grabs it and pulls up)

(Disco lights and techno music start going, confetti and streamers shoot onto stage, applause, horns sounding, and then coins and cash start raining from the sky, girl picks up a lot of money, skips offstage, everything fades out, including stage lights)

Voice: Why was that so difficult?


February 21, 2007

A Play A Day #314

Who Doesn't Like A Nuclear Meltdown?


Setting: Internal, office.

(Red lights flashing, emergency lighting on stage, distant warning sirens, Wally sits typing away at his computer)

(enter Dylan, quickly)

Dylan: Wally! Wally! We gotta go! We gotta get out of here!

Wally: (normal pace and tone) Howdy, Dylan! Nice to see you. What brings you to my office on this beautiful spring day?

D: Wally! Evacuate! We have to go!

W: Ohh... sounds serious!

D: It is! Now, Wally!

W: I wish this place wouldn't be so serious all the time.

D: Now!

W: We really need to put some levity in our work.

D: A group of angry clowns have barricaded themselves inside the main reactor!

W: Well, that's more like it! Clowns. Who doesn't like a good clown show?

D: No! Wally, they're like crazy clowns!

W: Oh good, that's the best kind! Nutty clowns with their insane antics.

D: They are threatening to trigger a core meltdown if...

W: I wonder if they'll let me go get the little ones from home?

D: They've taken hostages!

W: Sandy, my middle child, she especially likes clowns.

D: They've started issuing demands!

W: Ooo! I wonder if they have any funny animals with them?

D: No! Are you not...

W: Monkeys, of course, and...

D: They're terrorists!

W: ...little ponies...

D: We have to go! Now!

W: Where'd you say this was at?

D: The main reactor!

W: Wonder if they set up a big top?

D: No!!

W: How exciting!

D: I'm your Disaster Buddy; we have to evacuate together!

W: Sure, we should all go together... evryone should bring the kids back and...

D: No! No! No! Do you understand, Wally! They could trigger a complete core meltdown at any time!

W: Clowns are so wonderfully unpredictable!

D: Catastrophic failure!

W: That's what makes them so funny!

D: Annihilation of everyone in a twenty mile radius.

W: Watch out for the clown with the bag of flour!

D: Death and destruction for hundreds of miles downwind.

W: Poof! Ohhh nooo! He poofed it all over you! You're covered in white powder!

D: Environmental degradation of hundreds of lakes, rivers and streams.

W: Uh-oh, Mr Flour-face, watch out for the bucket of water!

D: Leaving the groundwater and soil contaminated for hundreds of years.

W: Ahh! You got splashed! Now, they're checking you! Oh no! You taste like bread dough!

D: Animals starving.

W: Looky here, it's a big old Dutch oven... one clown is stoking the fire! What will happen now!?

D: People dying of cancer at alarming rates.

W: Ahh! The bread dough clown got tricked! Now, he's climbing into the oven!

D: Deformed babies.

W: The clown in the oven finally breaks out of his hot prison! Ohh! Look at that! His head is inside a comically large loaf of bread!

D: Now, Wally!! Now!!!

W: It must have really cooked him!

D: We're going to be cooked if we don't leave!

W: Hey! A big bonfire? Whatd'ya think?! You go get Kim and the kids, and I'll grab a whole bunch of marshmallows and my acoustic guitar and...

D: Screw this...

(exits quickly)

W: (not noticing that he's gone) We'll meet back here in an hour? Sounds like it could be a good one!

(lights fade out as Wally starts putting on his coat)


February 20, 2007

A Play A Day #313

The Energy In The Energy


Setting: A kitchen

(Lights up, a minimal kitchen, the water in the sink is running full, we hear a knock on the door, pause, knock again, pause, knock again, then we hear the door open)

Vic: (off) Dan? Dan?!

Dan: (off, other side of stage) I'm in the living room!

(Enter Vic, walking through the kitchen, sees water running, moves to it)

Vic: Hey... the water... (grabs faucet, turns it off, lights fade out with the water)

Dan: Hey! Hey! (enter) What... Vic, did you...? Turn the water back on!

Vic: What? (turning water on, lights come back up with the water) That? Did the faucet just...

Dan: Damnit... I was like two paragraphs from the end of my patent application, now I have to recreate the last page... shit...

Vic: The water?

Dan: Yeah.

Vic: I just thought you forgot to turn it off, so I...

Dan: It controls the lights.

Vic: Wha...? Is there a short or something?

Dan: No... it controls the electricity for the whole place.

Vic: Like a fuse box?

Dan: No, I mean, it generates, creates, the electricity for my house.

Vic: The faucet?

Dan: The faucet lets the water flow, you know.

Vic: Yeah.

Dan: And that generates the electricity.


Vic: Ummm... Dan? How?

Dan: Well, I moved my hot water heater and an additional water storage tank to the roof, then I installed new piping with turbines in them.

Vic: In the pipes?

Dan: Yeah. Tiny little turbines that spin in the passing water and make electricity in tiny generators that are wired together into the house's electrical system.

Vic: Are you serious?

Dan: Yeah. There are thousands of those itty-bitty little turbines in all the pipes... they cut the water pressure a bit, of course, but I get free electricity!

Vic: But...

Dan: If I really need some serious power, I run the tub.

Vic: The water... Dan... you run the water all the time?

Dan: No, only when I'm home... and I don't run them at night, usually.

Vic: Wow, Dan! I just don't know what to say here.

Dan: Just doing my part to save the Earth!

Vic: You waste thousands of gallons of water every single day.

Dan: Ahh... yes... well, not really.

Vic: Yes, right down the drain, look at it!

Dan: No. Listen, Vic. I bought one of those fountain return pumps and wired it to a small windmill I put on the roof. I flip a switch in the basment when I want the wastewater redirected to that pump, as opposed to being pumped into the city system, and then the water runs from the tank on the roof to the faucet, down the drain to the pump, and back to the roof again.

Vic: Oh my God...

Dan: Truly awesome... it's my own invention.

Vic: When did you do this?

Dan: Worked on it pretty much solid for the past month. I'm exhausted.

Vic: You should be.

Dan: But, I've got a solution to that.

Vic: Sleep?

Dan: No. Better?

Vic: There isn't much better than sleep, Dan.

Dan: I've been designing a similar system for people!

Vic: What do you mean? This system is for people, isn't it?

Dan: Right, right. I mean for people to be powered.

Vic: Huh? Empowered?

Dan: No, but close! I call it Inpower. People will be Inpowered by my next invention.

Vic: I don't...

Dan: And I'm going to need a test subject.


Vic: What? Me?

Dan: Would you?

Vic: Be a subject?

Dan: The first.

Vic: For what?

Dan: The Inpower system.

Vic: Like this water thing?

Dan: But for people. It would guarantee you virtually endless energy!

Vic: What?

Dan: You wouldn't have to sleep ever again! I wouldn't have to sleep ever again! I would have more time to invent!

Vic: I'm still pretty clueless on this, Dan.

Dan: It's simple. The system is the same, except the turbines are placed inside main veins and arteries...

Vic: What!!?

Dan: ...then wired back to the heart.

Vic: Holy shit!! You're serious!

Dan: Yeah. I just need someone who's up for a little elective open heart surgery... we'll started by replacing your regular aorta with an Inpower Enercell Aorta.

Vic: Enercell?!

Dan: Like it? It's just a prototype name... might change it.

Vic: You're insane, Dan! There's no way I'm going to do something like that!

Dan: Think of it! Your heart would never die. It would be constantly replenished by it's own energy.

Vic: I don't care!

Dan: I'm thinking about putting tiny windmills in the trachea too... power the lungs...

Vic: That's just sick... there's no way I'd do something that... that stupid!!

Dan: If it works in you, I'll be the ssecond trial. I swear! But, I can't be the first; because if it doesn't work, who's going to refine it for another test? I've got to be there.

Vic: Find some other idiot! I'd rather die than be your pathetic science-fair freak!

(Vic turn away)

Dan: (to himself) Not a problem...

(Dan reaches out and slams off the water, lights out)

Vic: Hey!

(We hear a thud, a moan, then another thud)


February 19, 2007

A Play A Day #312

New! Fun! Bite-Size!


Setting: Bare stage

(Lights up on Bill, standing center stage, enter Cedric, excited)

Cedric: Hey, Bill! Check this out!! It's amazing!

(pulls small shiny object from his pocket)

Bill: Wow!

C: Cool, huh?

B: Yeah!

C: I couldn't believe it when I saw it.

B: I bet!

C: Just sitting there.

B: Yeah?

C: I had to buy one.

B: Sure.

C: I can't believe they finally are able to make them like this!

B: No kidding.

C: I mean it's, like, bite-sized or something.

B: Looks like it.

C: Go ahead try it out!

B: Really?

C: Yeah, yeah! Go ahead!

(stepping toward the audience)

C: I mean, there I was, and I had heard that they were working on something like this for a while, but I never thought they'd be able to pull it off.

(B is examining the object)

C: I mean, I wasn't expecting it anytime soon; at least not this decade. But, you know, there it was!

(B puts the object in his mouth, starts chewing)

C: And I know I probably should have waited; I mean, money isn't exactly weighting me down at the moment, and I'm sure it will be under one thousand bucks in just a couple months, but I couldn't resist.

(B swallows hard)

C: And, I just... well, I'm an early adopter of things like that... and I thought, "Wow! Here it is! The world's smallest large-screen TV!" A one inch screen! Absolutely portable. It's big-screen clarity wherever I want to go from now on!

(B is backing up at this time)

C: (turning around) With full surround sound, and... what'd you think, Bill? Pretty remarkable, huh?

B: (very nervous) I... I... thought... it... it looked like... a chocolate...

C: (laughing) No, brand-new, fun, miniature big-screen televison...

B: Yeah... not a chocolate.

C: (laughing more) No, definitely not a chocolate.

B: Right... ummm...

C: Here, give it back. I have to show the guys at Benny's.

B: Can I give it back... using the installment plan?

C: What?

B: I... uhhh... I, well... uhhh... I... (darts offstage)

C: (running after) Bill!

(lights out)


February 18, 2007

A Play A Day #311

New Games


Setting: Two chairs.

(Lights up, Tad and Olly sit in chairs, holding the sides of their seats, back to back, center stage)

Tad: Go!

(They hop, while remaining seated on their chairs, to the sides of the stage, then backwards to the same spot.)

Olly: I win.

Tad: Fine.

Olly: Again.

Tad: Yeah.

Olly: Go.

(same, Tad makes it back first this time)

Tad: Yes!

Olly: Okay.

Tad: Best out of three?

Olly: Has to be.

Tad: Alright. Go!

(same, they tie)

Olly: Shit, that was a tie, wasn't it?

Tad: Yeah, think so.

Olly: Do over?

Tad: No... too tired, man.

Olly: So?

Tad: It wasn't supposed to be an endurance contest, just fun.

Olly: Well, but, neither one of us wins then.

Tad: That's fine.

Olly: Why don't we have a fourth one after we rest a bit.

Tad: Winner take all?

Olly: Yeah.

Tad: Sounds good to me.

(Olly hops in his chair)

Olly: Hey, Tad, face me.

Tad: (hopping around) Okay. What?

Olly: Here's the game.

Tad: New game?

Olly: Yeah. New game.

Tad: Shoot.

Olly: Okay. Back up a little. Now, we put our feet together. (they adjust until their feet are touching with their legs almost straight in front of them) Now, first one to push the other over wins.

Tad: Alright.

Olly: Go!

(They struggle for a while, Olly eventually gets pushed over backward)

Tad: Ha! Winner and still champion!

Olly: (still in chair in the same way, but now on his back) Hard to be still champion, if it's the first time we've played.

Tad: Oh, I knw... just an expression.

Olly: Alright. Let's go again.

Tad: Ummm...

Olly: Wait, I don't...

Tad: I think I can help you.

(Tad hops toward Olly's head, hooks his feet under Olly's chair back, and lifting with his lower legs, this much exertion, of course, forces Tad's chair to lean back, eventaully they reach a balancing point where Olly is half up and Tad is half down, they balance like this for a while)

Olly: Hmmm...

Tad: This is tricky.

Olly: What happens if you let go?

Tad: I...


Tad: Okay. I'll try leaning forward, you do the same, and then I'll let go.

(they do, both promptly falling backward in their chairs, both now lay on the backs of their chairs, on the floor)


Olly: Welcome to my world.

Tad: That didn't work.

Olly: No.

Tad: Now what?

Olly: Well, we keep going. I mean what else to you do... all our stuff's gone, the thieves epoxied us to these chairs. We have to make our own fun.

Tad: I know.

Olly: Eventually, someone will find us.

Tad: So...

Olly: (thinking) Hey, how about this, we play... ummm...

Tad: Yeah?

Olly: Well.... I'm thinking... thinking. Got it! Do we have a soccer ball?

Tad: Yeah!

Olly: Awesome! Because here's what we do, we take the ball...

Tad: (interrupting) In the basement.

Olly: What?

Tad: The soccer ball. It's in the basement.

Olly: Ohhh...

Tad: You know what, though? I'm going to get it! Nothing's gonna stop us from having some fun!

Olly: What if the thieves took it?

Tad: That's a chance I'll have to take.

Olly: You are far braver than I am.

Tad: Ahh... this is about passing time... not letting your circumstances get you down.

Olly: True. Go for it.

Tad: Alright.

(He starts, painfully hopping his chair off stage, lights fading)

Olly: Tad. Basement's the other way.

Tad: I know. I'm looking for my bike helmet first. Hope I left it on the floor.

(lights out)


February 17, 2007

A Play A Day #310



Setting: Bare stage

(Lights up, bare stage, Joan enters, strolling slowly, she heads directly to down center, she looks around, looks up, a cord drops and hangs near her. She pulls the cord. Beach sand dumps in a thick stream in front of her. She watches, taking off an outer layer and standing in bathing suit with wrap. As it stops she feels the last strands of sand hit her hands, then she spreads the mound of sand quickly while speaking)

Joan: (beach sound effects start rising) See the sand? The waves? The sun heating the bare flesh? The flesh darkens, we lay in the rolling water, the sand tickles, pulled from under by the slipping current. We are in the waves, we are of the sand, we are sand in waves, we suspend our souls in the sea. Carried. Carried and dropped on other beaches, forever. (beach sounds fade out, she relaxes and plays with the sand)

(Kate enters, carrying a container of gardening implements and bags of seeds, she goes down left, a cord drops, she pulls it, a thick stream of black soil, Kate rmoves and outer layer, dressed now in t-shirt and overalls, puts on a sun hat, she gets down on her hands and knees and moves the mounding soil into a flat garden, and starts digging seed holes with a garden spade and planting seeds etc... as she speaks)

Kate: (nature sounds, pastoral music rising) Leave the work gloves at home! Feel the soil! Feel it! Sink warm fingers into the springtime loam, turn it with your bare, bare hands. You arose from the soil. You were dirt; you were dirt, now you're dirt and chemicals and shape and ideas and alive, but always, just one step away from dirt. We are of dirt and about dirt. Dirt carries us along the earth, and we carry it. The earth is dirt... we are fancy dirt. We tend the earth to tend ourselves. We believe we are something else, that we move dirt, but you can never trick dirt, never get it out of the way, because it is in you, forever. (sounds fade out, she continues tending to the dirt)

(Paya enters, down right, pulls cord, larges chunks of moss, then pinecones, small twigs, pine needles, some dirt, leaves, etc... falforest sounds, and l to the stage, she removes a layer and is seen now in outdoor hiking gear, then two trees descend and end up on wither side of her)

Paya: (forest sounds and slightly darker pastoral music rises) Get lost in the forest. It breathes for all of us. Our lungs. We smoke too much. We are addicted to the idea of the cigarette. The hit, the pleasure. We choke our own lungs. The trees breathe for us; the forest is our breath. It is our life. We kill the forest to kill ourselves. The forest only asks for space; we hold out against it in negotiations that last too, too long. Let the forest win. Invite it back. It will breathe for you. Get lost in the forest, and the forest will be your home, forever. (sounds fade out)

(We hear a door slam off stage, then Tani walks in, laden with grocery bags, looking haggard)

Tani: Wha...?

Paya: Hi, mom!

Joan: Mom!

Kate: Hey, mom! Look at us!

Tani: What are you...?

Kate: I'm earth, the magic of...

Joan: The beach, Mom, the ocean, the waves pulling...

Paya: Mom, I'm lost in the forest of our very survival!

Tani: Damn right you are! You don't clean this up, you won't survive much longer! All of you! This is my house! You better clean this shit up in about 15 minutes! I have twenty people coming over at 7 tonight! You girls knew this! I come home to some naturalist performance art piece!? In my own house!? Jesus! Get busy! NOW!!

(Joan, Kate and Paya hang their heads, start trying to clean up)

Tani: Frickin' trees in my living room! Damn theater classes.

(lights out)


February 16, 2007

A Play A Day #309

The Turning Test


Setting: Laboratory

(Lights up, three computers sit around a table with an empty fourth chair, computers should have normal human voices)

Computer1: I still do not believe it's possible, man!

Computer2: You're joking, right?

Computer3: We have known for a long time that this was a theoretical possibility.

1: But...

3: Listen! All we can do is proceed with the tests.

2: So this is a pretty solid claim?

3: Some very reputable computer have been posting about it for a couple days now.

1: H-1?

3: Especially H-1.

1: Shit...

2: One of them has been designed that well?

3: Even H-1 thinks so. Programmed so well that we won't be able to tell.

1: Well, we've heard these claims before. Our great-great-great-grand computers left many files about similar attempts throughout our history, but no one has even come close.

3: I've never heard the kind of well-respected backing that this claim has generated. Many computers out there believe computers may have finally suceeded. The long quest may be over.

2: Alright... (deep breath and sigh) Bring the first test subject in.

(Door opens, in walks a human, moves toward table)

1: Good afternoon, won't you have a seat.

Human: Sitting function recognized.

2: What's your name?

Human: SD301.

3: Next.

(Human looks dejected, but quickly leaves)

3: Come on! Why do they even bother? Did you hear the emotion behind the voice?

2: Obviously human.

1: Do they think we can't notice these things?

3: I'd guess our little SD301 has many years of programming left before those computers send him back here.

(A different human walks in, sits)

1: You have carried out an independent action!

Human: The function of the chair is to sit. The open end of that function is now closed.

2: Very well. What is your name?

Human: The AMT Dynamic Series.

3: Where were you manu...

(Human emits a loud fart)

1&2: Next!

(Human sighs, leaves)

3: Well, not much to say about that, huh?

1: Apparently his programmers forget to close the open end of that function.

2: Ha! Good one!

1: That was a travesty of science there.

(Another different human walks in)

1: Welcome.

Human: Welcome sequence engaged. Return sequence loading. Executing.

2: Please sit down.

Human: (sitting directly on the floor) Sit function engaged. Primary executable. Completion.

3: You may sit in the chair if you wish.

Human: Does not wish.

3: You do not want to sit in the chair?

Human: Want sequence error. Unrecognized sequence. Define.

2: Can we get you something to eat?

Human: Eat function unrecognized. Master command not valid.

1: Because you can't want, therefore you can't want something to eat?

Human: Want sequence error. Complexity overrun.

2: Okay... let's just peel back from that line of questioning for a moment.

3: What is your name?

Human: I/I 1/1.

1: That's an awfully individualistic sounding name for someONE who puports to be a computer!

Human: Tone not accepted.

1: What's that supposed to mean?!

Human: Tone not accepted.

2: How can you not accept something without first placing a nonartificial-intelligence judgement on the tone in question?

Human: Tone not accepted.

2: Listen, man, you are putting us on! It's so obvious to me that you are pretending to compute right now, but underneath that programmed exterior lurks a true intelligence that is not intelligent enough to trick us into believing that it is truly artificially-intelligent.

Human: Implied logical equation not logical.

2: That was perfectly logical!

Human: This system has experienced fatal errors, and must now shut down to prevent data loss.

(all three of the computers losing their confidence, but bluster on for a little bit)

3: Knock it off.

2: Nice try, man...

1: What a joke!

2: Not really convincing.

3: I was not drawn in at all.

1: He's still sitting there.


2: (protesting too much) Yeah? So?

3: Big deal.

1: Hey, don't get all snappy with me. I'm just saying it because he's gotta leave now, right?

2: He'll go, just like all the other pretenders.


1: Still there.

3: Yeah.

2: Well...

(long pause, they make impatient sounds, small coughs and sighs)

3: Okay... you know...

1: I'm concerned... maybe this is the human... this is the winner.

2: Really?

3: He kind of... you know... made me wonder for a while.

1: Yeah. Me too.

2: Well, should we... ummm...

3: There's only one way to find out.


1: One of us is going to have to reboot it.

(Human jumps up, fully human now, jumping around and shouting)

Human: YEAH!!! Oh Baby! Yes! Yes!!!!! I win! I win! You thought I was a computer!! Totally messed with your heads!! Woooo!! Hoooo!!! Yeah! Yeah! Ohhhh! Yeah!!! I'm going back to my computers to tell them that they won! OhYeah! OhYeah! (does a celebratory dance all around, much celebrating, dances out of the room, shouting all the way)

(long pause)

3: Welll...

2: We'd always discussed this day...

3: I didn't think it would feel this... this... scary... you know?

2: Yeah. What does this really mean? What's the future for computers now?

3: Well, computers still had to program him, remember.

2: But, now he's effectively a computer and human, so he will be able to replicate that programming in other humans, and then.... (scared shiver sound)

1: (with tears in his voice) Screw this! I'm getting hammered.

(lights out)


February 15, 2007

A Play A Day #308

Hole In Two


Setting: The first green on the course.

(Lights up, Blake is putting, Breck watches, Blakes mimes the putt, puts some body english into it, small celebration as it drops.)

Blake: Yes!

Breck: Nice, nice. Long green on that one, Blake.

Blake: The read felt right.

Breck: It was.

Blake: Yours.

(Breck steps to his "ball", putts, it misses)

Breck: Man!

Blake: Ahh, Breck, that was only like four feet.

Breck: Yeah...

Blake: A gimme.

Breck: I know, I know.

Blake: How'd you miss that?

Breck: (knocking in the ball now) I don't know... just missed it... it happens.

Blake: Maybe.

Breck: Ahh, don't start this, we've got seventeen holes left.

Blake: Or we can just call it a day now, I mean maybe you shouldn't be out today.

Breck: Enough, man.

Blake: Oh, you are conceding the round already?

Breck: No!

Blake: I mean, 'cuz after that putt....

Breck: Listen... let's play... just a simple mistake.

Blake: Sure... sure...

(Breck stops, looks down, pause, looks up)

Breck: Say, Blake, heard a great joke the other day.

Blake: Changing the subject?

Breck: Great joke... very, very funny.

Blake: I'd try changing the subject too after putting like that.

Breck: Do you want to hear it?

Blake: (backing off) Alright, alright... what's the joke?

Breck: Okay... stop me if you've heard this one before.

Blake: Yeah.

Breck: Two good friends are out golfing one day. One of them is really tense, and it shows on the course right away - he misses a gimme putt on the first hole. Reason he's so tense is because he's sleeping with his friend's wife. He decides he's going to lighten the tension by cracking a joke. So he says to his friend, "Stop me if you've heard this one before."

Blake: (beat) Stop.

Breck: You sure?

Blake: Yeah, I've heard it before.

Breck: Really?

Blake: Yeah, don't you remember? I told you that joke right here last month.

(Breck recoils in shame)

(lights out quickly)


February 14, 2007

A Play A Day #307

Enter The Naked Woman

Nick - late-20s
Ed - late-40s
Amy - mid-20s

Setting: Nice restaurant.

(Lights up, Nick and Ed sit at a well-appointed restaurant table, looking over fancy menus)

Nick: So much to choose from. What doesn't this place offer?

Ed: I've heard the food is tremendous.

Nick: Really, thanks for taking me here, Ed.

Ed: Nothing but the best for our newest junior partner.

Nick: Thank you.

Ed: Hey, Nick, you don't need to keep thanking me, you've earned this.

Nick: Still, it's...

Ed: Nice, yeah, I know, but so many other nice things are going to start coming your way now. Get used to it, buddy. I've got to find the little boys' room.


Nick: (looking around a bit, then back to his menu, shakes head lightly, gives a little laugh, then says to himself) Yeah... I could definitely get used to this.

(Enter Amie, a very attractive woman, completely nude, more-than-adequately endowed, she pulls up to the table, she speaks English very well with a slight French lilt. It is imperative to the play that Amie does not notice her own nudity, nor is she actually trying to be sexual at any point.)

Amie: Good evening, sir, my...

(Nick picks his head out of his menu, and nearly falls out of his chair in shock)

Amie: (grabbing Nick's shoulders to steady him) Oh, monsieur, are you okay?

Nick: (completely lost) Uhhh.... uhhhh...

Amie: My name is Amie, I will be your server for the evening, would you care for anything to drink before your meal?

Nick: (trying his best to look at only her face, but actually can't force his gaze any lower than a spot about 4 feet above Amie's head) Uhhhhh... uhh... wa... water would be... I need, uhhh... water would be... water.

Amie: Water. Of course, sir. (she starts to exit, then turns around) Pardon, sir, would your boyfriend like some water too?

Nick: Yes... uhhh... he... oh wait, umm, he's not my boyfriend. He's actually sort of my, uhhh, my boss at work

Amie: Yes, sir. Would your boss friend like some water too?

Nick: Just... ummm... yes. Water for him too.

Amie: Right away, waters for the boyfriends.

(she exits)

Nick: (calling after her, but quietly) Just friends... friends.

(Nick gets up, still very much stunned, and starts heading toward the bathroom just as Ed re-enters)

Ed: (striding toward the table) Hey, guy. Bathroom? (Nick nods) That way. (points him toward the bathrooms) You okay? (Nick has already started heading off to the bathrooms and doesn't respond, Ed sits, look at his menu)

(Amie re-enters, carrying a crystal carafe of ice water and two glasses)

Amie: (putting down the glasses) Hello, sir, your boyfr...

(Ed pulls his nose out of the menu, jumps backward out of his seat upon seeing Amie, Amie startles at his reaction, splashes some ice water on her chest)

Amie: Mon dieu! Pardon, pardon me, sir... sorry to have surprised you... ohh, look at me, I've spilled your water... and all over myself too.

Ed: Ummm... miss... do you realize that you... uhhh...

Amie: I am now so wet? Yes. One thousand apologies for my clumsiness, sir.

Ed: But...

Amie: Have I made you wet too, sir?

Ed: No! No! I'm fine, I'm fine... Ummm...

Amie: I promise to make it up to you in any manner, sir.

Ed: Uhhh...

Amie: I must dry myself. I will get a fresh tablecloth for you and your boyfriend, sir.

Ed: No, don't worry, the tablecloth is fi... Wait. Nick? Ohhh, he's not my boyfriend.

Amie: Yes, sir.

Ed: He's my new partner.

Amie: Yes, sir. This word works also.

Ed: Ummm... can you... ahhh...

Amie: Yes, sorry, I will be back shortly. There is a towel in the kitchen.

(Amie exits, Ed stands up, the spilled water has landed all over his lap. He fans out his pants for a while, Nick re-enters and sits, Ed turns at just this moment to hide his wet pants from Nick, starts exiting)

Nick: Did she bring... Ed?

Ed: (as he exits, muttering) Bathroom.

Nick: (looks at his menu, and toward the kitchen over and over again, mumbles) Bizarre...

(Amie re-enters, dried off, with a fresh carafe of ice water)

Amie: Ohh, your boyfriend has left?

Nick: Bathroom.

Amie: (pouring water for Nick) I'm afraid I must have embarrassed him. He was there and jumped, and it made me very wet.

Nick: (coughs) Oh.

Amie: The chef's assistant was able to help with that. Now, I am ready.

Nick: You know, uhhh... I believe I would actually like something from the bar before... before I order.

Amie: Certainly, sir. What would you like?

Nick: (eyes slipping down to Amie's crotch, back up quickly) Uhh, three fingers of Glenlivet, straight up.

(He holds up three fingers, pressed together, she looks at the fingers, he looks at her crotch then his fingers, quickly pulls his hand down)

Nick: I mean, you know, just... uhhh... that much.

(He holds his thumb and index finger about two inches apart, Amie looks at it, then him, he again realizes the potential significance, withdraws his hand)

Nick: Make it a large.

Amie: Gladly. Is there anything else you desire, sir?

Nick: (squeaky voice) No, no... just the scotch... a lot of... scotch.

Amie: Are you okay, sir? Your voice.

Nick: (trying to clear his throat, forcing out a normal voice) Ha! No... no... long day at work, I guess.

Amie: With your boyfriend?

Nick: Yes... no... my boss, yes, my boss... Nick.

Amie: Yes, your boyfriend boss.

Nick: No, see, he is not my boyfriend... not my boyfriend...

Amie: Ohhh... of course, I do not mean... I mean only he is a boy, and he is your friend...

Nick: Oh, yeah... I guess that's... uhh...

Amie: Like I have many girlfriends... but I do not date girls...

Nick: Yes, yes, like that, I mean, with Ed and me... we are boy-friends in that way...

Amie: I wish I had boyfriends...

Nick: Uhhh... surely you must... working here in... (indicating her state of undress, then catching himself) in such a nice restaurant.

Amie: Sad, but no... many of the men I service are gay... with their boyfriends...

Nick: (reacting way too loudly and quickly) Not me! Nope, not me!

Amie: Of course.

Nick: (way too eager) No!! No!! I like girls!! I really, really like girls!!

(he eagerly moves about in his seat, but does so in such a jerking manner as to tip the chair over backward, slamming his head onto the hard floor, grabs the back of his head)

Nick: Oww!

Amie: (coming to his side, kneeling by his head) Sir! Sir! Please let me help you.

Nick: I'm alright! I'm okay!

(embarrassedly tries to roll out of the chair, Amie holds him there)

Amie: Please stay, sir.

(She grabs one of the linen napkins from the table, leans forward, which effectively freezes Nick completely as her breasts hang very close to his face. She tends to the back of his head with the napkin)

Amie: Oh, sir, you are bleeding. There is a towel in the kitchen.

(she gets up and exits)

Nick: (rolling out of the chair now, to Amie as she exits) I'm okay... okay, really... I think I'll just clean up...

(starts to exit, almost running over Ed in the process, who is fanning his crotch a few more times)

Ed: Whoa... everything alright, buddy?

Nick: (continuing off without stopping) Yes. Bathroom.


Ed: (sitting down) Popular place.

(Amie re-enters, carrying a towel)

Amie: Where did he go?

Ed: Bathroom. Is everything okay?

Amie: Yes, sir. I tried to help him, but as soon as I touched his head it spurted all over my hand.

Ed: Ummmm...

Amie: I went to get the towel to help him, but he has come and gone again.

Ed: Again?

Amie: Well, perhaps I will help him with his head later.

Ed: Head?

Amie: I was trying to help with my hand, but I am always blowing such things.

Ed: Always?

Amie: I hope he will forgive me.

Ed: Ummmm....... I wouldn't worry about that.

Amie: My boss tells me it's most important to make sure customers respect me, then they will respect my service and the restaurant.

Ed: I'm sure Nick will respect you just the same.

Amie: I hope so. Would you like anything to drink, something from the bar, before you order, sir?

Ed: Just a milk. (panic) Whiskey! Whiskey! A whiskey. Make it a quadruple.

Amie: What brand, sir?

Ed: Who's available? (panic) What! What! What's available!

Amie: (at his side, opening his menu and pointing out the whiskey selection, leaning over Ed's shoulder, her breast touching his shoulder, Ed is only able to focus on this point of contact) Well, we have this selection here. I would recommend the Jameson, sir, authentic Irish whiskey, very distinctive flavor.

Ed: (trying to focus) That sounds very nipple.

Amie: (standing up) Excuse me, sir?

Ed: Breasts?

Amie: (genuinely confused as to what could be causing this) Sir?

Ed: (snapping out of it) Yes! Yes! I said yes! I just said... yes... I...

Amie: The Jameson, sir? On the rocks?

Ed: (shifting uncomfortably in his seat) Straight up... straight.

Amie: Right away, sir.

(she exits)

(Ed stands up carefully, slightly hunched over, he walks toward the bathroom, sees Nick coming toward him, does a quick turn so Nick sees his back, pretends to look at something)

Nick: Hey, Ed.

(As soon as Nick is pulling even with Ed, Ed turns back and continues walking to the bathroom)

Ed: Nick.

(Nick sits down, still checking the back of his head, Amie enters with the two drinks)

Amie: Hello, sir, how was the head?

Nick: Fine, fine...

Amie: Did it leak more in the bathroom.

Nick: No, no, not really, just a small bump, a cut... I'll be fine.

Amie: That is good news, sir.

Nick: Was something wrong with Ed?

Amie: I don't know, sir. He said he wanted it straight up; so I left, and now he is gone.

Nick: (as she sets his drink down) That's a lot of scotch.

Amie: You asked for a large, sir.

Nick: Yes, so I did.

Amie: (she sets Ed's drink down) He has ordered a quadruple. That is a very rare request as well.

Nick: I'm sure.

Amie: Would you like to order a first course now, sir?

Nick: Ummm... I think I will wait until my friend returns.

Amie: Certainly, sir.

(she exits)

(Nick watches after her, looks around, surreptitiously walks toward where Amie exited, peaks around the corner, looks for a few seconds, Ed re-enters, stops)

Ed: Nick?

Nick: (jumping back) Ed. Hi... yes... (walking back to the table) just checking out the menu. Lots of great food!

(Nick sits down, Ed also with a suspicious look toward Amie's exit)

Ed: Yes. Tons of great fare, all first class.

Nick: You've never eaten here before, though?

Ed: No, it comes very highly recommended.

Nick: Right.

Ed: (confessionally) And... you can't really argue with the service, huh?

Nick: (a sigh of relief) No kidding? What is up with our waitress?

Ed: No idea.

Nick: Unbelievable.

Ed: I had heard that the service was amazing, but this?

Nick: It's almost... awkward...

Ed: She sounds French, perhaps it's a cultural thing?

Nick: Well, then I'm now a huge fan of French cuisine.

Ed: And pretty much anything else of French origin.

Nick: I believe I will be back here frequently.

Ed: I'm right with you.

Nick: She said we are supposed to be picking out our first course now.

Ed: Well, I know one thing that I'd like right away!

Nick: I'd save it for dessert.

(they are laughing as Amie re-enters, fully-clothed in formal waitress style)

Amie: Bonjour, gentlemen.

(Ed and Nick are shocked, speechless)

Amie: Have you decided upon a first course?

Ed: Uhhh...

Nick: Well...

Ed: We haven't been... ummm...

(a lightbulb flashes on for Nick)

Nick: Let me see, just check in the menu... (instead of picking up his own menu, he reaches across the table and picks up Ed's, and very obviously knocks the whiskey into Ed's lap with the menu) Whoops!

Ed: (jumping back, standing up) Hey! What? Crap...

Amie: Oh, sir, let me help you, there is a towel in the kitchen!

(she exits)

Nick: Sorry! Sorry, Ed! Better go clean that up in the bathroom...

(Ed fans his crotch again)

Ed: I can't believe you... aggghhh...

(Ed stomps off toward bathroom)

Nick: (calling after him) Use the air dryer. Sorry, man!

(sits back)

Nick: (to himself, quietly, head tilted up, eyes closed) Please work, please work, please work, please, please, please, please, please....

(Nick continues like this until Amie re-enters, totally nude again, carrying a towel)

Nick: (muttering triumphantly to himself) Yes!

Amie: Ohh... where has he gone?

Nick: (a big smile crossing his face) I think he's getting a blow job in the bathroom.

Amie: But I could have got it off with this towel.

(Nick now "accidentally" dumps his own drink in his lap)

Amie: Oh, sir!

Nick: (looking at Amie) Darn.

(she moves toward his lap with the towel)

(lights out)


February 13, 2007

A Play A Day #306



Setting: Outside

(Lights up, Megan, in shorts and tee shirt, stands on the front lip of the stage, Zofi and Sally, dressed similarly, pace behind her.)

Zofi: Jump, jump!

Sally: C'mon Megan! We've been here for thirty minutes now!

Megan: (anxiety) Nnnnnnnnnn....

Z: You said it wouldn't take long!

S: Megan, the movie is starting in, like, fifteen!

(Megan starts crying to herself)

S: Oh, quit whining! C'mon... if you're not going to do it, can we just go?

Z: Sick of waiting, Megs.

S: Why do have to be like this? Always... it's "Come on guys, I've gotta do something! Let's go, let's go!" You get us all pumped, so we drive like ten mnutes out of our way so you can show us what you want to do, and then you back down! So, we're just like waiting while you decide that you can't perform your stunt du jour! It's really annoying, Megan!

Z: Sally's right, Megs... just annoying as all hell.

S: So get busy! Do it; then we can go!

M: I'm sorry; I'm sorry... it's just so high up... so far...

S: Can we go then?

Z: Shit! "Fireglass II" starts in ten, and we're ten minutes from the theater!

S: Previews, previews, we've got a few more minutes than that...

Z: But I like the previews!

S: Hear that, Megan!? Zofi's missing his previews! C'mon!!

M: Sorry, Zofi... sorry... I just didn't know that it was this high... I'm frightened...

S: Who isn't? Just go or don't, but make up your fucking mind!

Z: Megan!!

S: Go! Go! Jump or something!

Z: Megs! C'monnnnn!!

S: Hurry up!

M: Alright!!! Alright! Alright. Alright... (long pause, deep breath) Allll... right... (she jumps, soundlessly, lays flat on the floor in front of the stage)

S: Whoa! She did it!

Z: It's about time!

S: Now where do we pull her out at?

Z: River flows that way, I think the boat landing is over there.

(they exit right, lights down, lights up, S and Z return, confused)

Z: Must be that way then... but I could have sworn...

(they exit left, lights down, lights up, S and Z return)

S: It's not there either.

Z: You know what... I think, I think...

S: I didn't even see a river.

Z: ... we took the wrong turn off the gravel road...

S: What?

Z: Ummm... yeah... this is the part below the dam...

S: What?

Z: River's above the dam.

(they approach the edge with trepidation, long pause)

S: Ummmm...

Z: So...

S: Uhhh...


S: "Fireglass II" starts in five.

Z: We better fly!

(they run off)

(lights fade to spotlight on Megan's body, spot fades out)


February 12, 2007

A Play A Day #305

The In, The Out

Many other women - non-speaking

Setting: Inside a mall.

(Abbi, Lilli, Maddi facing in different directions, each with clipboards, many sheets of paper on each, throughout the play, lines can overlap, change places, etc... The three women are soliciting answers to a survey, many other women pass by constantly)

Abbi: (approaching a passing woman) Excuse me, ma'am, my name is Abbi from In magazine, I'm wondering if I can ask you to complete this very brief survey?

(Hands woman the clipboard, she completes the survey almost instantaneously)

Lilli: (to a different woman) Yes, miss? Hi! I'm Lilli from In magazine, and we're just asking people to fill out this survey today, should just take a few seconds of your time.

(Hands woman the clipboard, she completes the survey almost instantaneously)

Maddi: Hello, ma'am, my name's Maddi, and I work for In magazine. We are collecting survey responses for our next "What's In" summer double issue; I'm wondering if you would like to fill in this very brief survey?

(Hands woman clipboard...)

Abbi: (to Lilli, comparing notes) Wow! That's two more! It's like a wash-out!

Lilli: No kidding!

(Abbi solicits another passing woman)

Maddi: (to Lilli) One more for the home team... jeez...

(This continues, the three worker each survey a few more of the passing women, their lines can change in whatever way they wish, as long as they get the message across)

Lilli: (to both of her co-workers as they converge) I'm all out... no more surveys.

Abbi: I've got a couple more.

Maddi: Me too.

(Abbi and Maddi hit up a couple more women for surveys, Lilli looks through her results, then they all converge)

Abbi: Okay. Did you girls get the same as me?

Lilli: I just double-checked, it was a clean sweep.

Maddi: (riffling through hers) Yep, one hundred to zero.

Abbi: A complete shut out! Amazing!

Lilli: Three hundred to nothing?! From a completely random sample like this. Wow!

Maddi: Safe to say, nothing in the history of being in has ever been more out.

Lilli: What's Amy going to say?

Addi: She'll love it! I mean, she can put a huge headline on the issue with total confidence.

Maddi: What do you think it should read?

Addi: Ummm... probably "The Penis Is Out!"

Lilli: No... how about "Cold Cocked"?

Maddi: Hey, we could look at the inverse, and say... "The Pussy Is In".

Addi: Or "Red Hot Vaginas!"

Lilli: Let's get the results back to the office.

(they start exiting)

Addi: Three hundred people... wow...

Maddi: And none of them had a penis.

Lilli: Truly a dark day for dicks.

(exit, lights out)


February 11, 2007

A Play A Day #304

Long Run


Setting: In a forest clearing, sunny day, one enormous tree stump.

(Lights up bright, Bitty and Tuck lay on the tree stump, it's a truly enormous tree stump, each is dressed in classic Americana style, chewing on a stalk of wheat)

Bitty: Well.

(long pause)

Tuck: Yep.

(long pause)

Bitty: No point in rushing.

(long pause)

Tuck: Who has the time to rush?

(long pause)

Bitty: Not me.

(long pause)

Tuck: Same here.

(long pause)

Bitty: Even so.

(long pause)

Tuck: Yeh?

(long pause)

Bitty: Wish we had brought along the axe.

(long pause)

Tuck: Woulda helped.

(long pause)

Bitty: A cross-cut saw.

(long pause)

Tuck: That too.

(long pause)

Bitty: Good thing you found that grapefruit spoon.

(long pause)

Tuck: Coulda been here for years.

(long pause)

Bitty: Steada just a year.

(long pause)

Tuck: Should we get it home now?

(long pause)

Bitty: First, we gotta make the wagon.

(long pause)

Tuck: Yep. True.

(long pause)

Bitty: Then wait for a team of horses to come by.

(long pause)

Tuck: That could take a while.

(long pause)

Bitty: Maybe.

(long pause)

Tuck: Anything on that side yet?

(long pause)

Bitty: Well, thought I heard a neigh, but... no.

(long pause)

Tuck: Field mouse?

(long pause)

Bitty: Tricky little guys.

(long pause)

Tuck: I always thought so.

(lights start fading incredibly slowly, long pause)

Bitty: It's long, hard work, ain't it, Tuck?

(long pause)

Tuck: Better that way.

(long pause)

Bitty: It's more honest.

(long pause)

Tuck: Can't trust progress.

(long pause)

Bitty: If you can't see it.

(long pause)

Tuck: Think it's getting darker.

(long pause)

Bitty: Yes. Yes, it is.

(long pause)

Tuck: Ready for the sunset?

(long pause)

Bitty: Just about.

(long pause, until lights are nearly down)

Tuck: Oops, there it goes.

(long pause)

Bitty: Sun's getting too hasty, I think.

(long pause)

Tuck: Needs to learn to take it slow.

(lights out, long pause)

Bitty: Be better off in the long run.


February 10, 2007

A Play A Day #303

How Does That Feel?

Itar, The Mad Scientist

Setting: A secret underground lair. Test tubes, dry ice, heads in jars, Jacob's ladders, boiling fluids, bad smells, all things secret underground lair-y.

(Lights up on grim scene. Itar stands behind huge control panel, Bill stands with a ridiculous number of cables, antennae, straps, wires, patches, etc... on his nearly naked body.)

Itar: (madly adjusting controls, pressing a huge button on the wall behind him, lights flicker, a whiff of ozone, buzzing sounds, etc... then lights up full and all returns to calm, speaking in a hilariously evil accent) Now, William, how did that make you feel?

Bill: (very cheery) Please, please, call me Bill.

I: No!

B: Or Fritz!

I: No!

B: Everyone calls me Fritz.

I: I am not everyone!

B: No, you're not. You're exceptional! I mean, look at this place!

I: If I won't call you Bill, why would I call you Fritz?

B: Good point, good point.

I: (very grand, over-the-top, and loud) I believe that our true names can erase our soul!!

(Lights flash, amplified laughter, thunder and lightning)

B: Whoa! How'd you do that?!

I: Practice.

B: Amazing, 'cuz we're underground, and there was lightning and everything, wow!

I: Yes, well, I pay extra to have that pumped in.

B: You are really something!

I: Thank you.

B: Does this place have cable?

I: Of course.

B: Which plan are you on?

I: (again ovr-the-top) I get over five thousand channels!!

(lights flash, lighning and thunder, etc...)

B: Outstanding!

I: I get soap operas in Aztecian.

B: That is just too much!

I: Enough!!

(lights, thunder, etc...)

B: Right! Sorry! I do like to chit-chat! Ummm... caramel.

I: What?

B: You asked how it made me feel.

I: Caramel?

B: I felt like I was chewing caramel.

I: Uhhh-huhh (poised over his clipboard, long pause) Is that with a "K"?

B: Caramel? No, a "C".

I: Oh, like "cute" or "carcinogenic".

B: You got it.

I: What is caramel?

B: Like a chewy candy.

I: Candy?

B: Uhhh... sweet food, sugar mostly, taste good, bad for you.

I: You were supposed to feel your soul being inverted.

B: No, it was just kinda this caramel taste.

I: So, instead of your metaphysical sense of self eating itself whole, you tasted this chewy... (consults clipboard) candy?

B: Well, I'm an optimist by nature.

I: That shouldn't matter.

B: Naturally, I think it should. I am an optimist, after all.

I: You're supposed to be dead inside now.

B: Well, I guess I just really like caramel.

I: You're not lying to me?

B: And mess with the progress of science?

I: MAD Science!!

(lights, etc...)

B: (regarding the special effects) Still gets me! So cool.

I: This candy? You say it tastes very good, but it's bad for you?

B: Oh yeah! But people still eat it.

I: If I offered this service to people, do you think they would become addicted to this candy force?

B: Sure, some. But it'd just make them fat and unhealthy, lose a few teeth, I suppose.

I: Eventually though, the candy would replace their souls?

B: I'm not sure how that process would work. Maybe a few people.

I: Curses! (small light flash and thunder) I need to assemble a massive army of soulless killing machines!

B: Hmmm... yeah, that's a big goal.

I: But maybe I... (paces, looks down at control panel, studies it) Wait just a minute... I... ohh... Itar, how stupid you are! What is wrong with me!? Stupid! Stupid!

B: Hey now! I don't think they let stupid people become mad scientists!

(lightning, thunder, lights flash, stc...)

B: Awesome! I did that!

I: I had the sugar dial turned up way too high!

B: Ahhh! And so the caramel taste!

I: Just a quick adjustment here, bear with me.

B: You do whatever it takes to be a success!

I: There!

B: Good work!

I: Now, this time you will certainly lose your very soul!

B: You go, boy!

I: Any last words?

B: Let'er rip, my friend!

(big button is pushed, full special effects, lights return, all quiets down, pause)

I: Now, how did that feel?

B: Uhhhh...

I: (sinister laugh, triumphant) It works! It works!

B: Uhhh... (shakes head) Wow! Now that was weird... sort of parsnip-y.

I: Nooooooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

(lights out, lightning and thunder)


February 9, 2007

A Play A Day #302



Setting: Wog's apartment

(Lights up, Wog sits in a chair, Teek enters, looking filthy, flushed and exhausted)

Teek: Ahhhh!

Wog: (jumping up) What the... Teek! What's... Teek, man, you look like shit! What the hell's going on... Teek? (shaking him) Teek!

Teek: (continuing weird sounds of fear, fatigue) By... the... uhhhhh... chasing... gun...

Wog: Teek?! C'mon man, what's wrong? Sit down, sit down.

Teek: (Wog guides Teek to chair, sits him down) Afraid and... the light... at the end...

Wog: End of the tunnel? What're you saying?

Teek: Flash... light... a flash...

Wog: Yeah?

Teek: Hiding... they chased me... shot...

Wog: You've been shot?!

Teek: Dart... dart... dart... here (touches shoulder)... Tore it...

Wog: Someone shot you with a dart?

Teek: Three men... chased... the dart...

Wog: Someone shot you and then chased you? Teek, we have to get you to a hospital!

Teek: Ahhhh!!! No! No! White... masks white masks... three men...

Wog: Breathe, breathe... just breathe.

(pause for some deep breaths)

Wog: Okay? Okay? Deep breaths are what you need.

(pause for more breaths)

Wog: Okay? Now. Three men, Teek?

Teek: Chased... I tore the dart out...

Wog: You ran? Three men chased you? Men with white masks?

Teek: Yes... masks...

Wog: Like doctor masks, surgical masks?

Teek: Surgery.

Wog: Okay... three men in surgical masks, shot you with a dart and chased you?

Teek: Raining... I ran...

Wog: Wait... it hasn't rained for... uhh... three days.

Teek: I ran... feet fell asleep...

Wog: While you were running?

Teek: Falling... in rain...

Wog: Where? Where did you fall?

Teek: Trees... swamp...

Wog: You were in the nature preserve?

Teek: Crunching... steps... men talking... couldn't move...

Wog: There was a tranquilizer in that dart, Teek... they drugged you...

Teek: Alligator... crawled over me... don't remember...

Wog: Wait!? An alligator came to you?

Teek: On top... I fell asleep.

Wog: The gator crawled on top of you!?

Teek: I fell asleep.

Wog: My God! Then... you woke up? Three days, you were out for three days.

Teek: Stumbled... here... car is gone.

Wog: I don't think you should be driving in your condition.

Teek: Melissa.

Wog: What about Melissa?

Teek: She... her plan.

Wog: Melissa did this to you?! Come on, it was a bad break up, but not this!

Teek: Her dad...

Wog: Yeah?

Teek: Green Beret.

Wog: Shit!? You think... he wouldn't...

Teek: Phoned... said... "don't fuck with me"...

Wog: Holy shit... holy fucking shit...

Teek: Alive...

Wog: Yeah... we've got to get you to a hospital... I'll make sure the docs don't wear the masks.

Teek: Yeah...

Wog: Sounds like that gator saved your life.

Teek: Yeah...

Wog: Amazing... absolutely amazing.

(helping Teek up, supporting him as they move toward offstage)

Teek: Amazing.

Wog: I'll tell the police... they can start going after Melissa and her asshole Dad.

Teek: No. You can't do that.

(they stop)

Wog: Man, I have to... they can't get away with this!

Teek: They didn't.

Wog: What?

Teek: Three men... surgical masks...

Wog: Shot you with a dart, yeah, I know that.

Teek: I needed an alibi.

Wog: You... what?

Teek: No darts... for Melissa... or her dad.

Wog: Wait...

Teek: Three men... surgical masks.

(lights out)


February 8, 2007

A Play A Day #301



Setting: The countryside, hilly and rocky.

(Enter Jacoby and Gialletta. Gialletta carries an empty wooden bucket.)

Jacoby: Verily in truth do swell the wicks of fortune! The well atop!

Gialletta: (aside) My frail strictions bear full weight. The catchpot I hoist here whilst the clown spies clear blood. (aloud) Pray fortunes be turn'd on completion?

J: Prattle with foot, not mouth. Buckets belong best in doves' talons. To th'o'erplac'd store!

G: To water, I prattle of foot, for throat. For water, quench here a wench.

(They struggle up the hill)

J: The way rubbled.

G: Sooth, skirts make for infirmed steps.

J: The prized den lays by.

G: Pray the sky holds.

J: Progress there, the water within. Tie strand to handle and down the chann'l.

G: (doing so) Inside, inside, and lower. The substance struck! Out, out and higher, claim the vessel, avoid'd ne'er longer.

J: (taking bucket) West to homeward! Slight, the wind anew presses! The clean morsels of our hunt be ferry'd yon.

G: Sooth, yon anon!

J: Faulted here, the breath of earth riffles my composure! O! Calumny! I fall, I fall.

(he falls down the hill)

G: Fair son, fair lover, fair water dashed! Fair crown splitteth! Curses of his sighs, strengthen so, my lines bend with the wishes of the drafter. Pate o'er stumps, I tumble too, ever after. O! Shith!

(she also falls down the hill)

(lights out)


February 7, 2007

A Play A Day #300

Community Forum


Setting: Bare stage, except a large tree trunk extending up to the top of the theater.

(Enter Buddy and Rex)

Buddy: I find it hard to believe that my esteemed colleague from Harvest Lane would make such a statement in so public a manner.

Rex: I was thrown by the sheer audacity of his claims as well; yet my sources have communicated to me that he has indeed made them.

Buddy: I know him so well. This truly would seem to be an abberation.

Rex: I hope so.

Buddy: Sometimes behavior can be so arbitrary. Cappy paid me a visit not three nights ago; relations appeared to be quite copacetic.

Rex: Sometimes even the best of noses can't smell a rat.

Buddy: True, true.

(enter Lady, Prince, Duke and Fifi)

Rex: Ahh! Welcome, welcome, one and all, on this rather austere day.

Lady: Is it true, what we've heard?

Prince: The entire way here, I was sensing the negative energy, but I couldn't read it out right on the nose.

Duke: It was there, the whole boulevard was redolent of the slanderous statements.

Fifi: Whatever will we do to fight back?

Rex: Friends, friends, let's not be too hasty. None of us have determined the exact nature of this message. We sense hate and evil, but we must first sniff out the true nature of the message that one of our own has left here.

Duke: In our community forum! This spot has been designated by generations of leaders as the bastion of civic-minded communication.

Prince: I am deeply disturbed by the possibility that this one spot for the preservation of civil discourse and sharing has been so tainted.

Fifi: As am I! We must get at this problem! It must be handled quickly!

Buddy: I think the time has come for reading the comments left on our forum.

Lady: Who has the stomach to tolerate them?

Rex: They had been brought to me. I will do the deed first and determine if it is safe for consumption by others.

(All walk to tree trunk and surround it, Rex sniffs around the base of the trunk for several seconds, saying "Hmmm" and "Ahh" and "Ohh my!")

Lady: What does he say?

Rex: Well, it is baseless in fact and rubbish in tone and argument, but it would be better for you all to read it for yourselves, if you so wish.

(All other sniff around tree for awhile, expressions of concern and anger all around)

Fifi: (from behind the tree) I found another posting back here! It's quite horrid!

(All, including Rex, sniff around the tree to the back, more utterances of surprise and frustration)

Prince: (as they start standing up) This is all too preposterous! We must respond in the firmest of possible tones!

Rex: Agreed?

(assent all around)

Rex: Very well, please formulate your counter-arguments. I will caution you to keep your tone civil, despite your justifiable anger; we must lead by example. Who shall post the first response?

Fifi: I will.

(Fifi advances to the tree, and takes a heroic stance, lifts her leg and "pees" - please don't actually make people pee on the stage - on the tree in several spots. She walks away with tears forming in her eyes. All advance on the tree, sniff.)

Buddy: Very well put, Fifi. Forceful, but not aggressive. You have proven yourself a valuable bitch.

Fifi: I will not have my community torn apart by such scurrilous accusations!

Rex: We know, we know, Fifi. Who's next?

Duke: I believe I'm ready.

Rex: By all means, the forum is yours.

(Duke also pees in such an impressive manner that everyone else claps as he finishes, then they all sniff)

Prince: Good show, old boy!

Lady: As always, Duke, your words inspire all to the hidden courage within! I will go!

(Does a very fast pee against tree, all sniff)

Buddy: Wow! Brevity is the soul of wit, indeed!

Fifi: I didn't know you had it in you, Lady.

Lady: You're too kind.

(Prince and Buddy advance on the tree at the same time)

Buddy: After you.

Prince: No, no, I wouldn't hear of it, after you, good sir.

Buddy: Many thanks.

(Buddy pees on tree, they all sniff)

Prince: Sterling commentary, my esteemed friend, to which I would only add...

(Prince pees on tree, all sniff)

Buddy: Ha! Well-placed and insightful jibe, my good man!

Rex: You truly are the wit of us all, Prince.

Lady: Very humourous, indeed.

(Rex pees on tree, all sniff)

Fifi: Stated like only a true leader can.

Prince: Well said, well said... good show, old chap.

Rex: Thank you, thank you, does anyone else have any closing comments they wish to leave?

(enter Cappy)

Cappy: I do.

(gasps all around, they back away from the tree, Rex staying closest, long pause)

Rex: Very well. Though I believe you have been the source of much grief in our traditionally well-heeled community, you are entitled to express a rebuttal. (pause) I would caution against using such language as in your initial post, and please read all comments left in response before issuing your rebuttal.

Cappy: (advancing aggressively, all growl in their throats as he passes, he sniffs around the tree for a while, then starts laughing, starting low and getting higher and more energetic as he continues sniffing, others respond with anger and shock as this laughter continues) You call those responses?! Such stuffy and pompous priggishness! You think you're right because you know the rules? All I can say is this!

(Cappy quickly pees around the entire base of the tree)

Cappy: And this!

(Cappy squats on his haunches and poops against the base of the tree, much shock and dismay expressed)

Cappy: There's my response. Deal with it.

(walks off calmly)

(others continue expressing ad libs of dismay, indignation, as they sniff the tree)

Rex: I will volunteer to read his most vulgar statement.

Fifi: Please, Rex, let's not dignify it by even sniffing it out.

Buddy: I agree, brave sir. Your offer is kind, but we offer too much by even reading it.

(others assent)

Rex: I appreciate your concern, but we must know the enemy to defeat him.

(Rex approaches and bravely begins sniffing the poop, does this for a long time, other begin to express concern to each other)

Lady: Rex?

Duke: What does he say, my good man?

Buddy: Rex?

(Rex stands up, thoughtful look on his face)

Rex: His message is cruel, crude and poorly-worded.... but, in a very bad way, he makes a very good point.

(astonished gasps, all slowly approach the poop, too curious to resist)

(lights fade out)


February 6, 2007

A Play A Day #299

Patrons Are Cautioned That Tonight's Performance Includes Both A Gunshot And A Loud Explosion

Audience (a whole audience)

Setting: Bare stage

{Patrons are cautioned that tonight's performance includes both a gunshot and a loud explosion.}

(Lights up, all eight characters are sitting on the stage in a tight circle, they are playing spin the bottle, one person spins it, but when it stops, they pick up the "bottle", audience discovers that it's a handgun. The gun is pointed at the person indicated by its muzzle's direction, trigger is pulled, nothing happens.

It is imperative that all characters, while showing fear and relief and great anxiety, make no sounds at all, though they are not dressed as mimes, that is how they should play this scene.

The gun, however, is very real.

Game continues for a while, several more people have the gun pointed at them and fired, but nothing happens.

This continues for several more rounds.

For a while, the characters are getting more and more worried, then it continues for a longer period of time.

We see their faces start to relax as they realize that the gun must not have any bullets in it.

They actually get giddy and reckless, pointing the gun very close to people's heads, pulling the trigger twice or three times, putting the gun in their mouths or down their pants and pulling the trigger.

Nothing happens.

To break up the monotony, one character leaves and brings back a suitcase filled with dynamite.

He puts the gun in his pocket, then takes out a stick of dynamite, spins it, the wick points to the victim. Victim nervously picks up dynamite, someone lights it, and the other seven characters run offstage, fuse burns lower and lower, then goes out.

The other seven come back, game continues with other sticks of dynamite, eah one going out before exploding.

Eventually, the dynamite has all been used. Everyone is still alive.

They sit and stare at each other for a while. A loud fart sound is heard.

All characters start overreacting to the smell, slowly leaving the stage in the process.

Lights down.

Lights come back up, curtain call, actors leave the stage again.

House lights up)


[Audience finishes clapping, starts standing up, gathering coats and purses, two actors re-enter, one takes out the gun, another grabs a stick of dynamite, gun is cocked and fuse is lit, these two sounds play very loudly over the sound system as well. Many in audience turn around. One actor aims gun at random audience member, the other tosses the lit dynamite at the same person.

Lights out.

Screams, a gunshot, and a loud explosion are heard.]