September 27, 2007

Here's What Is Really Behind the Power Struggle in Northfield's City Hall

Recently, in Northfield, Minnesota, the city government has all but shoved its collective head up its collective asshole.

The consensus appears to be that a power struggle between the mayor and city administrator has morphed city priorities from vaguely self-aggrandizing back-patting to blatantly self-aggrandizing bitch-slapping.

To the common man, the power struggle seems to originate in the administrator's gentlemanly rebuff of the mayor's polite request to consider relocating a municipal liquor store on land that, as a mere coincidence, the mayor owns.
I am not a common man, however.

I would guess that the liquor store kerfuffle is only the safest issue that can be presented to the public. There are deeper divisions at play.

Indeed, I smell a rat.

A stinky rat on a horse of a different color marching to a different drummer past a little match girl freezing in the street who has nothing whatsoever to do with this metaphor.

Some other disputes have forced this hapless grappling on the citizen-victims of Northfield.

So what is really behind the power struggle among Northfield's leaders? My extensive, pretend research has uncovered these disturbing facts.

1. The "Tie Incident". On the cold morning of January 18, 2007, both the mayor and city administrator arrived at work to find, much to their great embarrassment, that they were wearing identical ties. This fashion faux pas was even more noticeable given the fact that both men were wearing nothing else; so the tie was one thing that really stood out on each of them.

2. Drapes. The color, pattern, length, opacity, fabric... so many options, so much for city officials to choose from. Disputes on finding exactly the right draperies for government offices have brought down governments and monarchies with bitter partisan rancor and infighting for millennia. Northfield appears to be yet another sorry casualty.

3. The Erasers. The mayor always gets to clean the erasers after planning meetings. A peculiarity of the "strong mayor" model of city governance, this has irked city administrators for many years, made especially worse by the mayor's increased taunting of others while executing this duty. He loudly chants in time with the clapping of the erasers: "I'mmmm... Cleeee... Ninnnng... Theee... Eeee... Rayyy... Serssss... And... Youuu... Don't... Get... Toooooo...." (repeat often)

4. The New Girl. She's cute. Really cute. Who will get her attention the most? Who will win her affection? Whose ordinances will she most admire? Who gets to sit next to her during meetings? Once again, it seems a rock-solid friendship has been rent asunder by competing for the attentions of a pretty lass.

5. The Monkey. The mayor objected to the administrator's habit of bringing his primate pal, Captain ZiZi, into the office to start each work week. The administrator insisted that "Monkey Mondays" stimulate employee morale and productivity; the mayor countered that they only stimulate the presence of monkey shit on his shoes. The mayor's unilateral move to force through a measure against tropical pets in city buildings has, understandably, been taken as a personal attack by the administrator and Captain ZiZi, who, as of press time, is reportedly storing up a sizable "revenge stool" in his lower colon.

6. Deep-Seated Philosophical Differences. For example, the city administrator always suggests massage circles as a way to resolve conflict; the mayor believes massage should only be used as an ice-breaker. The stand-off lingers.

7. Consultant Reports. Should they be spiral-bound or merely three-hole punched and stapled? Think about it: Spiral-bound? Three-hole punched? Is there a compromise? How do you repair the wounds of time? Needless to say, this will take a long while to work out.

8. Bowling Match, March 14, 2007. What was originally intended as a good-natured outing to help the two feuding leaders connect in a non-threatening way outside of work quickly disintegrated into an ascending series of accusations about whose toe went over the line and when. Despite attending staffers resolving the issue by arranging for a consensual tie with matching scores of a "Gentleman's 301", the end result felt hollow. Tensions have remained very high ever since.

9. Pact with Satan. Apparently, they should not have entered into this arrangement without first consulting outside counsel. Turns out, there was a downside in the fine print that neither man read.

10. Linguistic / Viral Difficulties. The administrator has questioned the mayor's truthfulness concerning his health. The mayor claims he has been suffering from a bad cold for months; the administrator wonders why the cold only manifests itself whenever the administrator is addressing the city council. The administrator further wonders why the "bad cold" only ever manifests itself as sneezing and coughing which sounds suspiciously like someone saying "bullshit" in a disguised manner. The mayor insists the administrator is paranoid, and counters that he could be innocently saying "push it" as he sneezes or coughs.

11. Pissing Contest. During this April's "Piss-Off 2007", the mayor accused the administrator of using a patsy in the city's engineering department to manipulate the ventilation system in the men's room when it was the administrator's turn, thereby allowing the administrator's urine to travel further than the mayor's had, and handing the administrator the victory. The allegation is hotly denied. They mayor has taken his case to court. The fate of the Golden Specimen Cup 2007 hangs in legal limbo.

September 21, 2007

New Penalties for Professional Football

Holding. Clipping. Pass interference.


The game needs to be spiced up. I propose drowning it in tasty illegalities; so that American professional football becomes as salacious as a tabloid photograph of cellulite on the hideous be-thonged ass of American celebrity.

Here are my proposed penalties to add to the pantheon of football transgression, complete with suggested consequences.

1. Prancing - 10 yards

2. Unnecessary Flatulence - 5 yards, must carry lit match behind ass for the next play

3. Downfield Knitting - 5 yards, confiscation of needles

4. Excessive Butt Patting - 7 minutes in heaven

5. Attempted Homicide - 15 yards, loss of down

6. Being European - 8 meters, penalty kick (Note: does not apply to the British)

7. Having Female Troubles - confused stares

8. Illegal Fondling - 5 yards, mandatory public apology

9. Steroid Use - knowing snicker, promise to never ever do it again

10. Negative Attitude - 1 yard, reminder that you're only hurting yourself, counseling

11. Embezzlement - 10% of total embezzled or 15 yards, whichever is greater

12. Burrowing - 5 yards, replacement of topsoil and grass, call to animal control office (Note: natural turf only)

13. Promoting Narrow Masculine Social Constructs - sigh, slight shaking of the head

14. Gossiping - 5 minutes on the bench to think about what you've done

15. Dying - 20 yards, loss of life

16. Adultery - Enormous red "A" flashes on the Jumbotron whenever you are on the field

17. Poogling - We don't know what it is, but we'll know it when we see it; penalty to be determined at that time

September 17, 2007

I Lied When I Said I Was Telling the Truth. Here's What I Lied About...

There's something you must know about me: whenever I say I'm telling the truth, I'm lying. Why would I need to state that it was the truth if it already was? The truth will out, and so it needn't be qualified with verbal padding.

Logically, I must be covering the actual truth beneath protestations if I insist that what I'm saying is the actual truth is actually not truthfully so.

The more extreme the assertion of my truthfulness, the more assured you can be that I am truthfully lying.

So, what was I lying about when I told you I was telling you the truth? Do you really want to know? You do? Okay.

Truthfully, I lied to you about the following things, and I'm telling you the truth this time.


I wouldn't lie to you about telling you the truth about the things about which I lied before when I was telling you that I was telling you the truh.

I mean what do you think I am? Dishonest or something?

On with the truth about the lies:

1. It doesn't reach the floor.

2. It was only 57 times, not 64.

3. Only because they don't award a Noble Prize for Fucking Awesomeness... yet.

4. It felt like solid gold at the time.

5. I never stipified exactly how or from what I saved the planet.

6. Eight and a half minutes.

7. I was not born in "the teeth of a merciless gale, amidship a schooner doomed to rest fore'er 'neath the eternal fury of the waves", but rather in the maternity ward of a small rural hospital during a light snowfall.

8. Well, I guess I don't "understand" Foucault, but I still insist that I would have been able to hang with him.

9. It will self-destruct in twelve hours, not eleven, as I previously boasted.

10. Uranium, molybdenum and blueberry, in that order.

11. Looking back on it, perhaps it was only a three-hamster sandwich.

12. Yes, fine, I am afraid of flutes.

September 15, 2007

David Mamet's Children's Book Titles

1. You Ain't A Half-Fucking Bad Man, Charlie Brown

2. Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Fucked Up Day

3. Where the Fuck Is Waldo?

4. Horton Hears a Who-the-Fuck-Are-You?

5. Go, Dog! Alright?! Just Fucking Go.

6. One Fish, Two Fish, blah blah blah...

7. Let's Just Say the Caterpillar Was Extremely Fucking Hungry

8. Where the Sidewalk Ends Due to Corruption in City Hall

9. Holes. Assholes.

10. Are You My Motherfucker?

11. The Little Engine That Could Fuck You Up

12. Fucks 'n Sucks

13. Mr. Brown Can Moo, and You Probably Can't 'Cause You're Shit, Shit.

14. Furious George

15. The Runaway Bunny Never Saw the Truck Coming

16. There's a Wocket in the Socket!

17. Green Eggs and Ham and Whiskey

18. Smack the Bunny

19. The Giving Tree Thinks It Might Be Taking Time

20. Hop on Pop. Now. Again... Harder.

21. Harry Potter and the Fucking Shit

September 13, 2007

A Rewrite of the Alphabet Based on How Much Money the Letters Owe Me

Some of these letters have outstanding liabilities in my ledger. It is best if you do not ask exactly what services I have rendered to each of the letters to cause these debts to accumulate.

Only know that such services were legal at the time of their rendering.

1. q
2. m
3. e
4. g
5. r
6. j
7. o
8. f
9. v
10. i
11. x
12. a (tie)
12. c (tie)
14. p
15. w
16. s
17. d
18. k (waiting for the check to clear)
19. h (paid in full)
19. y (paid in full)
19. n (paid in full)
19. u (paid in full)
19. z (paid in full)
19. b (paid in full)
25. l (missing, presumed dead)
26. t (surplus)

Again, exercise caution when interacting with q. I cannot stress this enough.

September 4, 2007

A Rewrite of the Alphabet Based on How Much I Believe Each of the Letters Is Involved in Violent Underground Activities

Letters are not as innocent as they would have me believe. Watch out for those in the top ten especially!

1. q
2. y
3. e
4. m
5. j (tie)
5. a (tie)
7. t
8. x
9. h
10. o
11. p
12. c
13. v
14. f
15. l
16. w
17. i
18. r
19. k
20. s
21. u
22. g (tie)
22. z (tie)
22. b (tie)
22. d (tie)
26. n (forfeit)

Seriously, watch out for q, a very dangerous letter. Y only wishes it could catch up to q, but it's in, like, a distant second place, almost getting lapped.

September 3, 2007

What I Would Have Named Jar Jar Binks

Behavior is frequently context-specific. For instance, I swear somewhat less frequently when addressing priests at a Southern Baptist convention, than I do when I'm cruising with the local chapter of the Sons of Satan Motorbiking and Punching Things In The Face Club.

I noticed, however, that I vomit no matter where or when I see, hear, smell or think I see, hear or smell Jar Jar Binks, the quintessential What-Were-They-Thinking character in the George Lucas pantheon of lame characters.

I thought... "Hmmm, perhaps I could dedicate a list to this digital dope, this reptilian Rastafarian reject."

So I do: A list of what I would have named this chuckleless chunk of scene stealing stink.

1. Jar Jar Drinks Too Much and Dies Within Fifteen Seconds of His First Appearance (Self-explanatory.)

2. Jar Jar Blinks (And that's it; this would have been a more enigmatic and appealing character.)

3. Hard Hard Dinks (A porn name would have been more fun, at least. See this earlier list for a reference point.)

4. Far Far Binks (Named for the distance from which the character could be safely viewed.)

5. Lars Lars Binkesen (A big, loping Norwegian would have been just as racially charged and unbelievable, but probably more practical around the set.)

6. Fart Fart Stinks (Hey, if Lucas is trying to appeal to 4th grade boys, he might as well go for the jugular.)

7. Dark Dark Pinks (A class of hues I've always enjoyed. The character would have been much more enjoyable and less distracting had it been simply a warm, silent array of color.)

8. Shit Shit Fuck (Self-explanatory and honest.)

September 2, 2007

Some of the Early Drafts of the First Amendment to the U.S. Constitution

1. Congrefs shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof; or abridging the freedom of speech, or of the prefs; or the right of the people peaceably to afsemble, and to petition the Government for a redrefs of grievances. (Close, but they spelled those four words incorrectly.)

2. Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof; or abridging the freedom of speech, or of the press; or the right of the people peaceably to assemble, and to petition the Government for a redress of grievances; or the right of horny men to put their dicks in things. (At least one of the men had the sense to excise this last clause.)

3. I get to say whatever I want, and you can't do a damn thing about it.

4. Congress shall make no law respecting stuff. (They decided that this may have been too general.)

5. Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof; or abridging the freedom of speech, or of the press; or the right of the people peaceably to assemble, and to petition the Government for a red dress. (A good thought, but some of the men wanted blue dresses, and this draft offered no protection for them.)

6. Religion, speech, press, assembly and petitioning are awesome freedoms. You should totally exercise them. Go for it!

7. Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof; or abridging the freedom of speech, or of the press; or the right of the people peaceably to assemble, and to petition the Government for a redress of grievances unless the SuperCongress decides otherwise. (SuperCongress was later abolished by SuperSecretUberCongress rendering this last clause unnecessary.)

8. You're not the boss of me.

September 1, 2007

What U.S. Senator Larry Craig (R- ID) Was Actually Doing in the Men's Room of the Minneapolis/St. Paul International Airport

O, karma: that cosmic equalizer, that leveler of souls, that reamer of hypocrisy.

It seems that two-term Republican U.S. Senator, Larry Craig, of Idaho, may have been
trolling for anus, a lay over a layover, at the Minneapolis / St. Paul International Airport in early June, 2007.

Unfortunately, the ass of his attraction was attached to a police officer who was trolling for trollers.

I know what you're saying: What's so funny about the intersection of trolls and anuses?

To which I respond: Duh.

Also: It's even funnier if the intersecting troll is a current U.S. Senator who has repeatedly voted against any measure supporting gay rights, moralized against them, and, in general, been a dick about hate crime protections for homosexuals.

An enormous, hot, hard, throbbing dick, no doubt.

Methinks the Senator doth legislate too much. Could it be that all this time he's been a fucking asshole to gays, he's been fucking gay assholes?

It's not the first time, apparently, that Senator Craig has been the subject of serious speculation over his sexual preferences.

The Senator denies that he did anything wrong, that he accepted a misdemeanor charge out of duress.

Given his behavior in the bathroom stalls of the airport men's room, however, I have to wonder: What was he doing?

I've sat on many a public restroom toilet, and, with the exception of trying to squash the occasional rabid squirrel, I've never had reason to let my foot wander into thy squatting neighbor's holy realm, much less make Hot! Sweaty! Foot-to-Foot! contact.

You really have to reach to do that, and I have very long legs.

This is to say nothing for the hand gestures he allegedly made repeatedly under the partition, which, given the delicate nature of the business transpiring when one is perched on a toilet, represents a sacrosanct barrier among men. Women are so damn supportive and nurturing, they probably hold hands under the elevated wall and offer words of encouragement for all I know.

Regardless of whether or not Senator Craig committed a crime in the legal sense, he did act in a manner one can only label as horribly creepy.

So, now that he appears to be standing in the shards of his own glass house, I offer, as a public legal service, pro bono for the Senator, a range of possible activities that he could claim to have been entertaining on that fateful June afternoon other than cruising for anonymous buttsex.

1. Only wanted public, anonymous, gay oral sex, not public, anonymous, gay sex sex.

2. Working on his one-man, one-toilet-stall version of Stomp!, and he's taking it all the way to Broadway!

3. Checking for shoe bombs in his neighbor behind a lavatory safety shield.

4. Using the universally-accepted hand signal to ask his neighbor for a condom so that he could safely screw the female, heterosexual prostitute that he had with him in his stall.

5. Measuring the stall's dimensions to see if they were up to code to accommodate a man of his sheer moral gravitas.

6. Playing Poop Time Foot Tag, a game he remembers fondly from his childhood in Boise's wacky public restroom scene. You're it.

7. Indicating to his neighboring toilet patron that he was married; and, therefore, even thinking about having gay sex with the Senator would be illegal.

8. "Passing on a crappy piece of legislation."

9. Jerking off to this month's Hustler magazine.

10. Tapping the floor to find the hollow spot under which his forefathers buried a treasure chest brimming with gems of immeasurable value.

11. Toilets make him nervous; he was seeking out human contact, a TurdBuddy if you will, to help him through the difficult minutes ahead of him.

12. Anything but taking a crap. Never admit to that; you can't possibly get re-elected if your constituents find out you eliminate waste.

13. Doing a little speculative, "door-to-door" election canvassing; checking to see if his stall neighbor passed the "Are you from Idaho?" shoe-touching test.