August 31, 2007

How Your Poetry Sucks

Your poetry sucks like...

1. the taut sheening flesh of the unripe apple, which sucks

2. the rumpled waves of quarter moon radio vagaries, which suck

3. the waltz of blood through saffron silken skin, which also sucks

4. something that sucks

5. the vacant choir of children of my heart's refugees, which sucks hardcore

6. a balanced whisper, your lips - my quiver, all three of which suck

7. the suckiest contestant at this year's thirty-event suckathlon

8. an empty vessel, the soldier stares; trust me, this also sucks

9. the truth about gravity and the burgeoning soul pushing back back back; sucks, sucks, sucks

10. vague metaphors and allusions and awkward phrasing and the impulse to punch you in the face for pretending obtuseness is art; it all sucks, because it does

11. you do.

Have You Answered This Awesome Poll Question?

You best get around to it. The poll expires at the crack of September. That's the very last minute of August for you of lower verbal acumen.

The poll is in the right sidebar -------------------------------------------------------->

Will it be Yogurt?

The Correct Answer?

The mysterious and rarely used Quace?

You decide!

Stop hating America and vote already.


August 28, 2007

Why Am I Clinically Depressed?

1. Because of something you did.

2. Used to own seven clinics; now I only own three.

3. Today's temperature a full two degrees below the forecast.

4. Because of something I did because of what you did.

5. Because I'm an ugly, stupid, lazy failure and nobody likes me except Jesus, and even he never writes any more.

6. Chemical imbalance in my brain caused by my membership in the Gourmet Brain Chemical of the Month Club.

7. Because of something I'm pretty sure you did.

8. Ineffective coaching on my son's T-ball team eleven years ago.

9. Because the League of Nations was a fundamentally good idea, and it must be given another chance.

10. Because I am trapped beneath the rubble of a recently-collapsed clinic.

11. Because of something you are.

12. Because I wanted chocolate chip, not chocolate, ice cream! You fucking idiot!

13. Because I'm not trying hard enough; with just a little more effort, I could be hospitally depressed.

14. Because of my inability to take responsibility for myself, which is your fault.

I Think My Silverware Is Preparing to Stage a Violent Coup

It just seems like something weird is happening with my silverware.

I don't have any solid evidence. Nothing with which I could confront them anyway.
While I am their lord and master, and exert dictatorial authority over all utensils, I don't like to be seen as capricious and cruel.

I'm unlikely to persecute any particular utensil on suspicion alone. I'm not the Stalin of Eating Implements, nor do I wish to be perceived as such.

Nonetheless, something's going on. I can feel it. Trouble's brewing.

I base my concern on the following points:

1. Whenever I open the silverware drawer, I hear a subtle, but unmistakable, soft metallic "shush" sound.

2. Butter knives seem unnaturally sharp lately.

3. When I spoon some food into my mouth, I can feel the resentment pass between my lips.

4. Spoons and forks, normally bitter enemies, seem almost chummy these days.

5. Someone subscribed to Guerrilla Warfare Quarterly, and it was not me.

6. I swear I heard "La Marseillaise" being sung inside the dishwasher.

7. When I bit through my lower lip yesterday, the pickle fork just giggled.

8. They seem to be stockpiling toothpicks.

9. Found a corn cob holder on my pillow.

August 27, 2007

Why I Hope The New York Yankees All Die

This isn't about anger.

It's about hate. Pure. Refreshing. Slimming.

I think even a life-long fan would understand that many reasons exist for the New York Yankees to die. They may take some convincing. To the rest of us, the only question remaining is: How?

Oh, I guess there's another question: Can I watch on pay-per-view?

So, why do they need to die?

1. Actually not real human beings, just media hype.

2. Greed plus Ego in such high concentrations is spawning a new monster, Greego. Greego will certainly devour us all!

3. Will convince countless millions of the awesome power of karmic justice.

4. Proof that money can always buy the best dead team in baseball.

5. Want to see if their funerals will be overrated too.

6. Professional baseball wants some time away to see other teams for a while; Yankees not honoring this sensible request.

7. Dissipate the cologne haze that permeates their environs.

8. Should be a small step toward parity in national media coverage.

9. Highly unlikely that they will be able to commit many fielding errors posthumously.

10. Free up pricey salon appointments across the city.

11. For the love of the game.

August 26, 2007

Bottom of the Slippery Slope: Presidential Debate Edition


Blip Maline - Republican candidate for U.S. President
Plink Dupey - Democratic candidate for U.S. President
Grit Blowdry - Moderator

TV studio for a televised U.S. presidential debate.

(lights up)

Grit: Good evening, America. I'm Grit Blowdry, and welcome to the first in a series of five televised presidential debates between Republican Senator Blip Maline and Democratic Senator Plink Dupey. The format is very simple, I will ask questions submitted by American citizens, alternating between each candidate. The candidate not being asked each question will be allowed time for a short rebuttal statement. I will start with Senator Maline.
(picks up card and reads) Senator Maline, what will you do to control runaway federal spending if elected President?

Blip: Hmmm, good question. I believe we should reign in federal spending, and we should not spend money we don't have. That's called deficit spending, and it puts us in debt. We must avoid spending too much money, at all costs.

Grit: Senator Dupey, your response?

Plink: I agree entirely.

(long pause)

Grit: Yes. Ummm... thank you. Senator Dupey, the next question is for you. In what way do you believe America can regain its competitive advantage over countries that pay workers very little and do not impose many regulations on businesses?

Plink: Great question. I believe America must win the day on quality. Producing and delivering goods and services of spectacular design and merit will go a long way toward restoring America's right place among the world's most desirable business climates.

Grit: Senator Maline, your response?

Blip: Well-stated. I concur.

(long pause)

Grit: Okay... well... onto our third question, then. Senator Maline: As the world's only reaining superpower, what is America's role in securing international peace?

Blip: I believe America must act in ways that encourage peace among the nations of the world unless, and I want to make myself very clear on this point, unless it is necessary to use force.


Grit: Right. Senator Dupey?

Plink: I believe America must act in ways that encourage peace among the nations of the world unless, and I want to make myself perfectly clear on this point, unless it is necessary to use force.

Grit: Okay... well... this is, uhhh... this, ummm, well, your question, Senator Dupey: Abortion is a dangerous issue for political candidates to touch, but what are your candid feelings on the subject?

Plink: How correct the questioner is: Abortion is a very dangerous issue for a political candidate to touch. However, I'm glad the question was asked.

(long pause)

Grit: Senator Dupey? Sir?

Plink: That's all.

Grit: Alright. Senator Maline, do you have a response?

Blip: I agree. Abortion is a very tough issue. Thank you for the question.

Grit: (as if speaking to them confidentially) You know... you have two minutes to answer each question and a full minute for rebuttal, remember? There's no need to speed through the questions.

Blip: Right, thank you, Grit.

Plink: I agree, thank you, Grit.

Grit: (frustration mounting) Okay, moving on then. Senator Maline, we have this question: The U.S. trade deficit increases every year; what do you see as a solution to that problem?

Blip: "Deficit" seems like a bad word. I recommend we call it a "positive unsurplus".

Plink: As do I. Positive unsurpluses will eliminate this trade deficit you seem so paranoid about, Grit.

Grit: Wha... it... it was just a citizen's question, Senator Dupey.

Plink: Yes, but what kind of citizen, Mr. Blowdry, what kind of citizen? Hmmm?

Blip: Good comeback, Plink!

Plink: Yes, thank you, Blip. I don't believe we need to answer questions from these so-called citizens of yours, Grit.

Blip: We are far too important for that. I mean, one of us is going to be the frickin' President, you know.

Grit: Gentlemen? I, I... well, I guess I'm not sure how to proceed... the format calls for answering questions that have been selected from thousands submitted by average citizens all over America, and... and, if you are not... well... ummm... Senator? Senator Maline? Sir, what...? Can I ask what... are you... uhhh...

Blip: Yes, Grit, I am twirling my meat behind this lectern.

Plink: I too am now yanking my crank, and proudly so!

Grit: (shock) STOP! Stop it, stop! What are you, you can't go... national TV... this is... can we, can we cut... cut to a comm... no, no commercials, that's right, shit.... aww shit, did I just say "shit"? This can't be happening, no! NO! STOP! Stop, damnit! ... let's, let's... closing statements, closing! NOW! GO! GO! Either one of you... you sick...

Plink: (interrupting, facial expressions and moans indicate he's finishing his business, zips up, becomes very serious) Thank you, Grit. America. You are faced with a stark choice this November. The choice between a leader who understands your needs; who knows what America values. America values a leader who gets things done. America values a leader who sees both the strengths and the unique challenges this great nation faces every day. America values a leader who values an America that America values. Your choice could not be more clear, America. The glaring differences between Senator Maline and myself are too numerous to detail, as you have seen tonight in this debate, but I feel one important detail did not come to light, and I must air it now: (long pause) Senator Maline has sex with small children then kills them.

Blip: What?! That is uncalled for! Completely uncalled for! America will not stand for such half-truths! The rest of the story, that Senator Dupey seems to be so conveniently forgetting, is that he eats the corpses of my young victims!

Plink: True enough, true enough, Senator Maline. Just one more glaring difference between us. As I said before, your choice could not be more clear, America.

(Grit is crying, head on moderator's table, the candidates look presidential as lights fade)


August 24, 2007

Mistakes I Made Trying To Pick Up This Hot 19-Year Old

1. Tried to pick up hot 19-year old.

2. Also, tried to physically pick her up. Covered for my lack of upper-body strength by asking "How fat are you?"

3. Attempted to use my "Italian Lover" accent, not knowing her family had been slain by a rock band called "The Italian Lovers".

4. Made a few too many obscure references to Shakespeare, who was, apparently, way before her time.

5. Told her that up to one-third or 83 cents, whichever was the lesser, of her next drink was on me.

6. Opening line was "Hey. Didn't I used to babysit you?"

7. Excused myself to go to the bathroom. Came back with my zipper down and toilet paper sticking out of my open fly.

8. Perhaps unwisely used this former #8 as my pick-up line.

9. Untied her.

10. Used the words "neato" and "groovy".

11. Politely inquired if I could, perchance, drug her drink for her.

12. Obfuscated the age issue by reminding her that I am seven years younger than Johnny Depp, and he's good-looking.

13. Tried to engage her intellectually by talking about her "nice knobs".

14. Allowed her to see me.

How to Kill People with Your Bare Hands

1. Hold up your bare hands, show them to your victim, continue to hold up your bare hands until the car you are driving veers directly into the path of the oncoming tractor trailer.

2. Surgically implant plastic explosives into your bare hands. When you shake someone's hand, squeeze hard. Won't they be surprised?

3. Shoot them in the head with a gun until they die. Make sure you are not wearing gloves or mittens.

4. Go swimming with your victim. Say that you have a neat trick to show him or her that involves holding him or her underwater for a few seconds, but that you will let him or her up for air. Here's the catch: Don't.

5. Soak your bare hands in anthrax, ricin or polonium; punch victim in the mouth.

6. Kidnap someone roughly your age, skin color and size, tie them up in your basement. Cut off your bare hands, mail them to the kidnapped person's spouse or loved one with a letter saying that they are actually the hands of the kidnapped person. Their loved one will probably die of fright. (Note: Write threatening letter before you cut off your bare hands.)

7. Poke someone hard in the eye with your bare finger. I mean really, really, really, really hard.

8. With your bare hands, summon an eternal, enchanted flame. Burn victim to death.

9. With one bare hand, point off into the sky and say "Oh my God! What's that!?" When your victim looks, kill them with the other bare hand.

August 23, 2007

Beyond XXX

Can it be?

Can there be anything beyond those three ignominious letters? Do we dare take a peek and see the enticing territory into which we could venture? You better believe we will!

Join me, won't you, as we toddle off on a tangent of tantalizing taboo, and answer the question that has bedeviled philosophers for nearly three weeks: What lies beyond XXX?


2. YYY

3. XXX!

4. XXX to any power greater than 1

5. ZZZ

6. XXX v2.0

7. XXXa - XXXz

8. Digital XXX

9. eXXXtreme

Well, I guess we answered that question. Thanks for taking this vast intellectual journey with me.

August 22, 2007

New Slogans for the Bush Administration

1. You can't spell U.S. without us.

2. Because God said so; that's why!

3. Nice Constitution you got there; shame if something happened to it.

4. I is America!

5. You're under arrest.

6. Boo!

7. Holy. Crap.

8. All that stands between you and Darth Cheney.

9. No questions, please.

10. It's Democracy-Lite!

11. War is peace.

12. Don't make us shock your genitals.

13. Fuck you, America!

14. Hey! Everything's great! Seriously.

15. Oops. Sorry.

August 21, 2007

Everything I Don't Like About You: The Exhaustive List

1. Just slightly too much hair.

2. You dream about alligators and popcorn balls. I find that nonplussing.

3. One time, you admitted to me that you like licking metal things. That's wrong.

4. Your neck is too fragile; meaning I have to sit on my hands to prevent me from strangling your almost translucent flesh. I hate sitting on my hands.

5. Your heart beats too loudly. Work on that.

6. Belly button seems to be scientifically verifiable as neither an innie nor an outie, upsets the global balance of abdominal stigmata.

7. You enjoy life and living. I could handle it if you enjoyed just one of the two. Enjoying both just seems like you're flaunting it.

8. I reserve the right to not like any other physical, emotional or metaphysical aspects of you not expressly referred to in the points above including - but not limited to - your physical nature, your personality, your behaviors, your thoughts, your potential behaviors or thoughts, my interpretations of any and all of your behaviors or thoughts, actual or potential, your possessions, your personal history or future possibilities, your soul and your very being.

Other than that, you're a great person.

What're you doing Saturday night?

Just a Few of the Many Reasons They Kicked Me out of A.A.

1. They didn't like my "Absolut Alcoholic" promotional advertising plan.

2. Shouted "Liar!" one too many times during other's life stories.

3. Constantly tried to out-bottom other alcoholics' low points. If they got fired, left their wife, robbed a liquor store and lost a kidney to a stranger in a bar fight, I would say that I did all those things twice, or I tell them I worked for Bush, part II.

4. Sponsored only cute 18-21 year old female alcoholics, and only until they "paid off."

5. Posted too many funny videos of meetings on YouTube.

6. They never believed me when I kept stumbling out of all those bars claiming to have been on a nine hour "membership recruitment drive."

7. Turns out I was actually a milkaholic.

8. Produced an art installation where I submerged the Big Book in urine, and the urine was found to have trace amounts of alcohol in it. They never believed me when I told them the urine wasn't mine. It wasn't; I found the urine in this pub I frequented.

9. Only was able to commit to the .12-Step Program.

10. Missed too many meetings because of massive hangovers.

11. Kept asking members for free maps for upcoming vacations as part of my yearly membership in the A.A.

12. Admitted I was powerless over alcohol, but that I just needed a few more nuclear devices to regain that power.

August 20, 2007

Other Ways to Describe How a Knot Is Tied Besides the Hegemonic Rabbit-Tree Paradigm

I've never seen a rabbit tie a knot, certainly not by a series of circumlocutions about a tree.

Yet, for billions of years people have been describing the procedure for tying a knot by employing a mythical rabbit jaunting about an imaginary tree - even before rabbits and trees existed.

We must free ourselves from this brutal rabbit-tree regime if we are to truly understand the nature and beauty of knots.

Here are my suggestions for a new, emancipating language.

1. The dumb kid with a rope around around his neck runs around the fence post then, like the fucking moron he is, crosses back through the loop of rope between him and the fence post and runs off down the street trying to get to the ice cream vendor that he thinks is coming, the rope pulls tight and snaps him backward, smashing his head on the sidewalk. He lies unconscious for fifteen minutes and dies of exposure; since it's a bitter cold February night. No ice cream vendors patrol the streets in February, kid.

2. A dead rabbit with a rope tied around its hindquarters gets thrown around a tree by two cruel children. They come from very fragile home environments, which is not the dead rabbit's fault. Nonetheless, they loop the rabbit about the tree then twice around the long end of the rabbit's death rope, then they viciously pull the rabbit and rope through the open loop created by the tree and the rope and back through the loop they just created making the first loop and pull tight. They leave the rabbit corpse hanging against the tree. It is a brutal and ominous scene. In the distance, thunder roils.

3. A playful water sprite dances about a lily pad stem trailing a length of sparkly magic string behind itself. The water sprite circles the lily pad stem once then stops and giggles. Silly water sprite! The sparkly magic string loops around the sprite once and pulls itself tight, because it's magic! The water turns bright green with the life fluid of the now bisected water sprite. Silly, be-halved water sprite!

4. The trout, in an effort to flee from the looming shadow of the mature bald eagle, swims around the string three times then back up through the three loops it just created. The bald eagle dives with force, missing the trout but ensnaring one of its deadly claws in the loop witlessly created by the trout. It flaps its mighty wings, lifting itself from the water along with the trout dangling from the fisherman's hook. Both trout and eagle are ensnared and can go no further than about thirty feet above the fisherman's boat. The commotion draws the attention of a patrolling game warden. He is not amused by the scene as it is neither trout season nor is it ever permissable to allow your illegal trout to lasso the foot of a federally-protected species. Many other nearby anglers pull closer, and some of them begin filming the unvelievable scene. It gets shown on local and national news, and pulls in millions of hits on web video sites. Despite successfully freeing the eagle and trout, the fisherman receives a healthy fine. The fine, however, pales in comparison to what happens when his wife finds out he was not attending a "weekend board meeting" at work, but rather fishing with whom his wife recognizes in the video e-mailed to her by many concerned friends as his very cute secretary.

5. The zombie clown trudges around its victim twice then tears its victim's scalp open and begins consuming the brains within. The corpse drops between the first and second loops. The zombie clown, in frustration, picks up the warm cadaver and tosses it with the unknowable strength of the undead around the outside of both initial loops but back through the loop created by the collapsing corpse. The zombie clown then turns in its oversized shoes spattered with the blood of so many, and lumbers away. The rope pulls tight. The zombie feels the tug at its ankle and howls in anger. It pulls harder at the constraining knot and the rope passes cleanly through its rotting leg. The zombie clown limps forward, unfazed by this small amputation. Its hunger must be satiated.

Most Regrettable Aspects of the Air Supply Concert I Attended with My Mother When I Was 14

Okay. This one requires some explaining.

My uncle owns a couple music stores in northern Minnesota. He would sell tickets for concerts that were upcoming at the Duluth Arena. If we brought the sales receipts to the arena - a sixty mile drive one way - we usually were granted free tickets as compensation.

My mom wanted to see Air Supply...

It was in my pre-fan years of music appreciation...

I basically just listened to the radio, and Air Supply were all over the radio back then...

It was my mom...

Don McLean was the opening act...

I'm trying to excuse my behavior here...

Anyway. There were many regrettable aspects of the concert. I'll concentrate on only the most regrettable among them.

1. Don McLean, very unfortunately, opened and closed his set with "American Pie".

2. So did Air Supply.

3. Thirty-four fans were trampled to death; all wearing sensible shoes.

4. Music was so mellow that the pot smoke in the air just seemed redundant.

5. A lot of middle-aged housewives flashing the stage was not as thrilling or pert as I'd hoped it would be.

6. Seemed like the callous fans only wanted to hear the radio hits, not Air Supply's more experimental jazz-rap-punk-hybrid album cuts.

7. Confusion about which of the band members was truly the one that you love.

8. Turns out, they're foreigners.

9. Too much open drug use among hardcore fans.

10. Hell's Angels in attendance wept openly under the onslaught of balladry.

11. Air supply was not able to keep up with air demand; hundreds asphyxiated.

August 19, 2007

Amazing New Features of the Most Advanced All-In-One Printer on the Market

Scan, fax, copy, print: Is there anything these new all-in-one printers can't do? Apparently not. Witness this.

1. Will print your airline ticket and taxi for take-off to your destination in vibrant color, brilliant resolution and under ten minutes.

2. RealFeal oral, vaginal, anal and penile attachments mean your printer can now do everything, and you can return the favor.

3. Scanner also reheats leftovers.

4. Prints in nearly any ink, including blood, meaning serial killers can now use so many more fonts in their ominous letters to the authorities. Provided they don't use comic sans. No self-respecting serial killer would be caught dead, or making someone else dead, using comic sans.

5. Optional beer keg attachment.

6. Capable of scanning lead, reprinting it as gold.

7. Is exceedingly friendly, and is perfectly willing to let you talk to it for hours at a time. Never butts in with its own commentary. It makes you feel so special, like finally, your hardware cares about you.

8. Gets an incredible 92 miles per gallon in the city!

9. Cleans up your formatting, cleans up your dinner dishes.

10. Will hold down your feet when you're doing sit-ups.

11. Special "Ass-Sensor" prevents inappropriate copying of naked body parts unless extremely sexy.

August 18, 2007

Look Out! Behind You! It's... It's...

Pretty creepy, if you ask me. I don't know where we are. Do you? No, I know, it's weird...

Hey, what was that? Did you hear something? Ohh! Oh my God!

Look out! Behind you! It's... It's...

1. Something which poses an immediate threat to your well-being!!

2. A racial stereotype!!

3. An invisible creature!! Trust me!! It's there!!

4. A used condom!!

5. A poorly decorated living room!!

6. An odd smell!!

7. A talking mime!!

8. The color beige!!

9. Stuff and things!!

10. A convenient plot cliché!!

11. Your troubled past!!

12. A talking used condom!!

13. An inability to comprehend your fate!!

14. It's... It's... It's... (etc)

15. Truly delightful, whatever it is!!

16. The entire world!! Everyone's pulling for you, honey!!

17. Me!! I've been behind you the whole time; who else did you think was saying all these things?

August 17, 2007

Critical Commentary about This Website with My Responses

"A Play A Day & Lysteria is a sophomoric attempt to shock the median internet demographic."

My Response: Your mom is a sophomoric attempt to shock the median internet demographic.

"Your time would be better spent surfing dancing hamster and baby websites than this juvenile tripe."

My Response: Your time would be better spent surfing your mom than this juvenile your mom.

"The site, while passably clever at times, too often descends into mean-spirited sexual degradation and schoolyard retorts."

My Response: Your mom, while passably your mom at times, too often descends into mean-spirited sexual degradation and your mom retorts.

"Completely worthless."

My Response: Completely your momless.

"I've seen funnier commentary in high school yearbooks."

My Response: I've your mommed funnier your mommentary in your mom school your mom books.

"I do not appreciate my son's rather weak attempts to vent his frustrations at the world through the use of crude language and bitter satire. I was a better mother to him than his writing might imply."

My Response: My grandmother!

"Your mom!"

My Response: Your words hurt, you know.

An Extremely Non-Offensive List

1. Little bunnies!

2. Kitties!

3. Bumbalee-bees!

4. Flutter-bys!

5. Puppy dogs!

6. Baby piggies!

7. A funny little furry goat who nibbles at your fingers and toes!

8. Fuzzy caterpillars!

9. Chubby-cheeked little babies with wide-open, wondering eyes!

10. Adorable harp seal pups!

11. Awkward newly-hatched birdies!

You mix all these together, add some noodles or rice, spice it just right, and you've got yourself one hell of an adorable stir fry! Don't forget to pleasure yourself while killing them all; you'll enjoy the taste that much more! Yay!

Watch out for bones and bone fragments while eating. Ouch!

As mentioned in the title, this list was not offensive. The commentary after the list? Well, that wasn't in the title.

What Happened When I Tried to Get in Touch with My Feminine Side

1. Discovered that it had been sleeping around with this other guy's feminine side.

2. Hospitalized for three weeks with acute case of girl germs.

3. Slapped with second-degree sexual assault charges for getting in touch with an apparently off-limits part of my feminine side.

4. For some reason, spent over a thousand dollars on useless, uncomfortable shoes.

5. Creepily, I began to feel something scientists call "empathy".

6. Ended up trying to date myself.

7. Just got all weepy.

8. Arrested after walking into women's locker room at the health club and disrobing.

9. My feminine side turned me down for a date claiming it needed to stay in and wash my hair.

10. Finally remembered my birthday.

11. Hated everything about my physical appearance much more vibrantly.

August 15, 2007

Explanations for Why My New Professional Extreme Bocce Ball League Was Unsuccessful

1. Sixty-eight pound balls caused a few too many shoulder injuries.

2. Wild fires were not as easy to control as we had hoped.

3. Too corporate; we lost touch with the soul and tradition of Extreme Bocce Ball.

4. Indemnity insurance understandably, but still unfortunately, did not cover drowning.

5. Philosophical differences among upper management.

6. Looking back on it, the alligators should not have been allowed onto the field during regular season games.

7. Lack of a salary cap and out-of-control contractual demands bankrupted most teams.

8. Extreme Croquet colluded with Extreme Horseshoes to limit press coverage of our upstart sport.

9. Land mine maps were not completely accurate.

10. Outsider, thrill-seeker image didn't sit well with finicky iconoclast, thrill-seeker demographic.

11. Somehow, incomprehensibly, it may have involved too much nudity.

12. While thrilling and hilarious to watch, energy drink overdoses are still overdoses. I should not have been so glib about them during all those postmortem press conferences.

13. Overestimated the American public's tolerance for the word "Dude!" as the PEBBL's advertising slogan.

All the Ways Oprah Empowers Women

1. She calls every woman every day and shouts "You go, girl!" loudly into the phone.

2. She cleverly titles her magazine after the female sex-enslavement, sadomasochistic novel: "The Story of O", a subtle but empowering reminder for women everywhere that they are nothing unless they are constantly available orally, vaginally and anally to their male masters and his friends.

3. Her constant struggles with her weight show that she's just like you, you fat pig.

4. She is impossibly rich; empowering women everywhere to think: "Wow! If I were Oprah, I'd be impossibly rich too!"

5. Reminds women that she holds the key to what constitutes good literature. Please consult the Oprahcle before reading your next book.

6. When she loses fifteen pounds; she sells one million more copies of her latest, ghost-written diet book. Just like you do.

7. She also sells one million more copies of her latest diet book when she tearfully confesses to gaining that weight back and then some. That means, she is giving you a reasonable goal to strive for; empowering you to sell that many copies of your latest diet book even as you prove the diet doesn't work!

8. Stands before all and allows her radiance to blanket the masses in a healing aura. Avert your eyes for full effect.

9. Sells you her plan for precisely how to think independently.

10. Empowers women to stand behind her advice; so they can remove themselves from the shadow of men.

11. Has purchased the copyright on the word "empowerment" and can assign any level of it she wants.

12. Humbly limits herself to only one picture on the cover of each issue of her magazine.

13. Makes it clear that the true female purpose in life is to hug celebrities.

August 14, 2007

Extremely Perplexing Questions to Which I Have No Answers and about Which You Will Simply Have to Continue to Perplex

Contrary to this list, these questions still have me pondering.

Perhaps you have some help that you can offer.

Please submit your answers to any of these questions in the comments section.

1. If a hen and a half in a nest and a half can lay an egg and a half in a day and a half, how long will it take that same hen to construct a half-sized replica of the Taj Mahal using only found objects, a drafting table and a rudimentary understanding of structural engineering principles? Also, how long does it take to barbecue this half a hen I found in the chicken coop next to a stack of blueprints?

2. Why isn't the sky not hardly sometimes ever not blue very often ever any more these or other days?

3. If a passenger train leaves Dayton, Ohio traveling east at 50 miles per hour and a second passenger train leaves Trenton, New Jersey traveling west at 75 miles per hour, approximately how many words will the National Transportation Safety Board's report have to be to explain the depth of the stupidity behind the decision to set two trains on a course that will obviously end in a monstrous collision and the deaths of 189 people?

4. Janet has 8 apples. Tommy has 5 apples. Tommy's daddy is sleeping with Janet's mommy. How many more apples than Tommy does Janet have?

5. A man is digging a hole. Each day he digs twice as deep as he did the day before, but each night, because of wind, rain and collapsing walls in the hole, exactly half of the hole fills up with dirt again. How are the forces of nature that precise day after day? That's kind of creepy, isn't it? Also, after how many days will the man just give up and call in a contractor?

6. A plane bound from Tulsa to Calgary attempts to make an emergency landing on the American side of the border. In the ensuing crash, all die, but most of the plane and the dead end up on the Canadian side of the border. There are no witnesses and no accurate way of determining on which side of the border each of the passengers and crew died. Why is this clearly Canada's fault, and should we seek revenge immediately, or wait a week and then begin bombing?

7. To what extent is the capital of Iowa?

8. A farmer needs to build a perimeter fence for his chickens to keep out attacking dogs and foxes; he determines, through focus groups, that each chicken needs at least 20 square feet of space. His population of chickens vacillates from 90 to 120 throughout any given year, what is the minimum number of board feet he must use to build an 8 foot high fence out of 6 inch wide planks spaced 2-inches apart to give the chickens at least 20 square feet of space each? (Hint: One of the chickens is building a half-sized replica of the Taj Mahal.)

August 12, 2007

In Retrospect, I Never Should Have Asked These Questions of the Leading Candidates for Nookie Rookie of the Year at This Year's Porn Convention

Again, I had the opportunity to interview an amazingly talented group of individuals, much like I did here, and I flubbed it big time.

How bad did I mess up my line of questioning for this year's leading candidates for "Nookie Rookie" at the porn convention?

Here are some examples of the ignominy involved.

How should the petrochemical industry respond to the challenge of global warming both within their business development practices and their relations with the public as corporate citizens?
Reason why this is a bad question: Asking way too much at one time. Either make question less specific and allow for Nookie Rookie candidates to answer about whatever aspect of petrochemical company corporate responsibility they are most comfortable, or rephrase it along the lines of "Don't oil derricks look like they're fucking the ground?"

Is your pussy wet right now?
Reason why this is a bad question: NPR already asked it.

Is American space exploration still worth the investment?
Reason why this is a bad question: Not open-ended like, say, "Would you please describe what you think it would be like to fuck in zero gravity?"

In Dangerous Gang Bangs 12, you are seen having sex with seven men simultaneously. How did that really feel?
Reason why this is a bad question: It was Dangerous Gang Bangs 11, not 12. Shit. Everyone knows that.

To what extent, if any, is the entertainment industry obligated to portray the human body, particularly female, in a more realistic light to counter the spiraling rates of teenage depression, suicide and eating disorders which appear to be linked to body dysmorhpia?
Reason why this is a bad question: Way too heavy. I should have dialed it back a little with a simpler query like "Can I feel your tits?"

What can you tell me about your dreams?
Reason why this is a bad question: Too open-ended; responses were extremely long and meandering. I don't know what it is about porn stars; seems like all they ever want to do is talk.

Pull my finger.
Reason why this is a bad question: Again, this is not a question; it's a command, and, much like it did when I demanded it of the Nobel Peace Prize candidates, my lack of hands made for a few awkward moments. One of the sex starlets, however, offered to "sit on my arm" for a while. I declined. Though I may not interview people well, I still have healthy journalistic ethics.

The Following Have Conclusively Been Linked to Cancer in Most Humans

Cancer, that fucking bastard, will kill most people and lawns.

Fortunately for our lawns, industrial-strength herbicides prevent cancer from taking most, but humans still haven't found out how much of those same herbicides to ingest or apply topically to ward off malignancy.

Lacking a cure, we must exercise proactive vigilance.

On that note, the following factors have been linked to cancer in most people. Do whatever necessary to avoid or eliminate them in your life and the lives of those closest to you.

1. Birth.

2. Cancer Lite: Fermented with the finest Bavarian hops and carcinogens. Only 80 calories.

3. Being near someone who has cancer.

4. Thinking about cancer without subsequently whistling nonchalantly.

5. Honeydew Melonoma: It's a ripe tumor with a rind.

6. Xraycising.

7. Water and most air.

8. Laughing at cancer: Cancer hates that; it will get even. Just you wait.

9. Life: Conclusive proof that pro-lifers are pro-cancer.

10. Cute widdle puppy-wuppies.

11. Eating: Caveat on this one - it only applies to eating food.

12. Toothpaste and dentists.

13. Not dying from any other cause.

August 11, 2007

In Retrospect, I Never Should Have Asked These Questions of This Year's Leading Candidates for the Nobel Peace Prize

I had my chance to find out what makes these people tick. I blew it.

Here are the questions I should not have asked of various leading candidates for the Nobel Peace Prize.

Do you think winning the Nobel Peace Prize will help you get laid more often?
Reason why this is a bad question: Not open-ended, and the answer is obviously "yes".

What are you going to do with the money?
Reason why this is a bad question: They mainly want to do dull, self-glorifying things with it like set up camps for children displaced by years of inter-tribal warfare instead of buying a fleet of Hummers or building a roller coaster in their backyard.

What if, instead of the Nobel Peace Prize, you won the Nobel Peas Prize?
Reason why this is a bad question: Nobel Peas Prize does not exist.

Don't you think it's ironic that the world's leading peace prize is named after the man who invented dynamite?
Reason why this is a bad question: MTV already asked it.

Wouldn't you just kill to win this prize?
Reason why this is a bad question: Nobel Peace Prize candidates do not have a well-developed sense of humorous irony.

Do you agree with some who say that the Nobel Peace Prize should go to the candidate who is closest to death?
Reason why this is a bad question: Not open-ended and misleading - no one actually has said that. Some have said, however, that it should go to the woman with the nicest rack.

Wanna see my tattoo?
Reason why this is a bad question: It's actually just a temporary tattoo, and one of them is bound to notice that and make fun of me.

Should the Nobel Peace Prize winner be decided by an online popular vote?
Reason why this is a bad question: They tried this already; the Chinese prime minister won and also took second through fifth in the voting.

What's your favorite porno?
Reason why this is a bad question: Most of them have only watched the classic ones, making for answers lacking in diversity, and MTV already asked this as well.

Wouldn't it be funny if, the day after you won the Noble Peace Prize, you died in a war or terrorist bombing or something?
Reason why this is a bad question: Again, not an open-ended question. Apparently, it also would not be funny.

Pull my finger.
Reason why this is a bad question: Not a question at all; actually a command. Also, the fact that I do not have hands made for a very awkward moment in the interview sessions.

August 10, 2007

Extremely Easy Answers to Extremely Difficult Questions

So many questions seem like they can't be answered.

I say: Bullshit.

It's not that you're not trying hard enough; it's that you're trying too hard.

In the spirit of Occam's Razor, I bring you extremely easy answers to some of life's most perplexing questions.

Think of it as Occam's Triple Rotary Diamond-Encrusted Electric Razor.

Oh yeah, to save precious bytes and bandwidth, I've left off the questions. I'm sure you understand.

1. Change.

2. Lift and separate.

3. Because Colonel Mustard is gay.

4. Innate human selfishness.

5. Soak in vinegar.

6. 31.

7. Allegory.

8. Presumption of innocence.

9. Ouch! Shit!

10. Suicide.

11. Left, then right twice.

12. Biological necessity.

13. It's not real.

14. Hold down the reset button for three seconds.

15. Agriculture.

16. Our fear of absolute freedom.

17. Cultural hallucination.

18. Six and a half inches.

19. Deductive reasoning.

20. $5.99

21. Blah blah... memes... blah, blah, blah... the inward-seeking eye, etc...

Favorite Isms

Besides the big guns - racism, sexism, jism - there are some other isms that I feel need to step out from the shadows in which the major isms have oppressed them through a ceaseless campaign of intimidation, disenfranchisement and gooey fertility.

Yes, this ismism needs to stop.

To that end, I bring these other isms into the light, empower them with their proud names and the indisputable definitions of who they are!

1. Alcoholism: The systematic belief that all alcohol carries certain inherent properties and that those properties alone determine alcohol's abilities and ultimate fate.

2. Universalism: A belief system undermining the crucial importance of the universe in daily life by relegating it to the unnecessarily limiting category of "Everything".

3. Classism: Hating school.

4. Rhythmism: No Wave / Atonal / Art House band from the late 1970s. Influenced early Sonic Youth albums greatly.

5. Discriminationism: The unjust singling out of those who single out others for discriminatory treatment. See also: the snake eating its own tail. See also: What really dumb people who are trying to sound smart call "discrimination".

6. Catholicism: Maltreatment of individuals who have an unfortunate inability to control their desire for consuming felines.

7. Loveism: Biased treatment and perception of those we care about the most.

8. Extremism: Hatred toward Mountain Dew and those that revel in its related marketing gimmicks.

9. Nothingism: An unrelenting antipathy and biased treatment toward nothing.

August 9, 2007

Where Do I Not Get My Ideas?

Frequently, I'm not asked by anyone sometimes nothing about something like this everyday: Where do you not get your ideas?

Good question!

Let me truthfully lie to you some more and not tell you from where I may or may not hardly not get my ideas sometimes.

1. IdeaMart - Bastards said it was double-coupon day, but then denied almost all my coupons for Metaphors and Historical Allusions. Won't be shopping there again.

2. The neighbor's trash can. Once again, I was looking for my purpose, not my ideas.

3. From staring at naked male breasts. Apparently I wasn't clear enough on this one in yesterday's list.

4. My ass. I've checked and re-checked, but there's never anything up there. Can you look for me?

5. My "Ideas Wanted " ad in the local newspaper. No one ever responds to that thing.

6. The Holy Spirit. Have you seen that guy lately? He's all, like, "Wooooooooo-hissssssss, look at me! I'm a dementor!" That's all he fucking does these days. Useless.

7. My kidneys. Neither one seems especially inspired of late.

8. Quarks. I find neutrinos speak to me more.

9. My dreams. I could take a lot of ideas from them, except I sold the rights to my dreams to my need for a secure life for an undisclosed sum.

10. The Man. No way! I'm not your patsy! You'll never take me alive! Freeeeeeedooooommmmm!!!

11. The Remex Idea-matic DX150. Shitty thing does not work.

12. Otters. Let's just say, the otters and I, we don't get along any more. End of story.

August 8, 2007

Where Do I Get My Ideas?

People, and sometimes animals, but very rarely plants, often ask me: Where do you get your ideas?

I don't feel I need to dignify such a personal question with a response. Instead, I will lie and make up a number of places from where I pretend to get my ideas.

Wait, that's a response, isn't it?

Oh well, here's your dignity then.

1. Beat up creative children, hanging them upside-down until all the ideas tumble from their pockets.

2. Stand really close to the television to better turn it off.

3. Throw darts at people until they come up with an idea for me to use.

4. One word:

5. The idea of neighborhood garage sales.

6. Straight from local idea farmers: in bulk, all organic, delivered by bicycle in the brains of people who don't wash their hair with or even think about harsh chemicals.

7. Frequent 96-hour sessions of no sleep where I consume only live lizards.

8. From my other ideas.

9. IdeaMart - We Think You'll Like Our Low, Low Prices.

10. A special reserve brain that I carry in a plastic bag.

11. From staring at naked breasts - always in need of more volunteers here.

12. Surprisingly, from oxen, but never from just an ox.

13. Consuming the brains of people who are thinking about things.

14. Our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ. Seriously, the dude fucking e-mails me, like, every goddamn day.

15. As birthday presents.

16. The Government Printing Office in Pueblo, Colorado.

Other Groups and Activities the Northfield City Council Secretly Sponsors in City Offices While It Meets

It has come to this pundit's attention that the Northfield, Minnesota city administrator and city council have been allowing a local collaboration of Christians to pray for the council using the city administrator's office during council meetings.

Under the belief that one must pray near the potential recipient of your prayers in order for a purportedly all-knowing God to discern on whom He should practice His ministrations, this group claims proximity as a driving force behind its need to pray in the city administrator's office.

Lest you scoff at their naivete, science backs up their claim. To wit, if they are relegated to an off-site prayer bunker, their prayer waves (Einstein's rabbi would prove that prayer waves were also prayer particles.) suffer an increased likelihood of reflection, obfuscation and misdirection by having to travel farther through atmospheric "devil rays" and "beelzebubbles". This means their prayers are far more likely to enlighten and guide the decisions of, say, nearby Faribault's city council.

In short, their prayers, if fired in diluted fusilades from remote bivouacs about town, could rain down on unsuspecting government leaders as far away as northern Iowa. This seems harmless until you realize that the Mason City, Iowa council may waste $2,500 erecting four stop signs and painting pedestrian crosswalks at the intersection of Prairie and Woodley streets, only to find that those two roads, while crossing in Northfield, Minnesota, don't even exist in their town.

Needless to say, I join conservative Christian opinion in my town in supporting these divine sentries.

I feel it is my duty, though, to avoid hypocrisy by supporting the following organizations and activities also secretly sponsored by Northfield's leaders on city property during council meetings.

1. Evil Clowns with Power Tools

2. German Revisionist History Association

3. Pyromaniacs Unlimited

4. Atheists United for Rational Governmental Decisions

5. Shi'a-Sunni Revenge Club

6. Children's Underwear Swap Meet

7. Konservative Kristian Koalition

8. Scientologists for Source Guidance of City Leaders

9. Vapid Prayer Defense League

10. Clothing-Optional Meditation Organization

11. Shadow city council

12. Rehearsal space for Northfield's premier death-metal band, SkullKrank

13. Leather Boys, International

14. Communal fish-gutting parties

15. Prayer Blockers of Southern Minnesota

August 7, 2007

Knock Knock Jokes of the Very Sleepy

Those unfamiliar with the extensive history of these lists, or those simply unwilling or too lazy to tread backward through the archives may have missed this one or this one.

Too bad. I'm sure this one is incrementally more funny if you've read those two.

Do you hear me? Incrementally! Don't you just want to jaunt through the archives and discover the immensity of such an increment? Ah, come on...

Joke #1

Knock. Knock.

Who's there?

Knock. Knock.

You already said that.

Oh. Sorry.

Joke #2

Knock. Knock.

Who's there?


Me who?

Just open the door. I'm fucking exhausted and crabby and don't have the energy to play your little door-knocking game.

Joke #3

Knock. Kn...

Joke #4

Knock. Knock.

Who's there?

Still me!

Still me who?


Asshole who?

This is not funny... I'm barely maintaining vertical out here, open the damn door!

What Else They Could Put In Diet Coke to Make Me Drink Even More of It

Recently, the Diet Coke company, which, I think, is not related in any way to the Coca-Cola company, came out with Diet Coke Plus - a mixture of Diet Coke and something called "vitamins" and "minerals". I have no idea what those are, but this woman I know assures me they are healthy in some manner.

I have been thinking, what else could the Diet Coke company add to their fabulous carbonated beverage to make me drink even greater amounts than I currently do?

Incidentally, if your grocer does not carry Diet Coke, request that he or she do so soon. It's spelled Diet C-o-k-e.

Now, on with the list of potential new additions to Diet Coke.

1. Love

2. Gold dubloons

3. A solid theoretical framework

4. A prize

5. Cured meat

6. Another Diet Coke in which would be another Diet Coke in which would be another Diet Coke, etc...

7. Sunshine like they add to dish soap and douches

8. Diet cocaine

9. Kitties!

10. A sense of accomplishment

11. Pure butter fat

12. A hard, pulsing techno beat

13. Silk lining

14. An advanced but easy-to-use graphical interface

15. Very horny women

Horrendous Ice Cream Flavors

1. Strawberry Squirrel Swirl

2. French Fry Vanilla

3. Cyst Crysp

4. Menstrual Melt

5. Semenberry

6. Post-Nasal Dripple

7. Phlegmon

8. Moss-n-Musk

9. Ass Cream Sundae

10. Jerry Garcia

11. Chocorrhea

August 6, 2007

Good God, Bad God

1. Good God sends a plague of locusts; Bad God sends a plague of angsty, teenage locusts.

2. Good God smites thee; Bad God won't stop tapping thee on the shoulder.

3. Good God floods the Earth, killing all; Bad God floods the Earth with preachy pamphleteering, annoying all.

4. Good God knows all; Bad God insists on playing "just one more" round of Trivial Pursuit - "double or nothing."

5. Good God lays out commandments by which all humans must live; Bad God lays out crappy strip malls by which all humans must live.

6. Good God prescribes what animals humans may consume; Bad God uses too much barbeque sauce on his lark-kabobs.

7. Good God sees all; Bad God takes pictures of everything and posts them on the internet for all to see.

8. Good God is infallible; Bad God makes tons of mistakes, but never owns up to any of them.

9. Good God hears your plea for mercy; Bad God has outsourced all mercy services to a plea center in India.

10. Good God blesses the beasts and children; Bad God juggles the beasts and children.

11. Good God tosses you into a lake of fire; Bad God tosses you into the suspiciously warm spot in the pool.

If You Think I'm Sexy...

If you think I'm sexy...

1. Could you keep it to yourself?

2. You may need glasses.

3. You have lived a sexy-deprived life.

4. I would appreciate it if you would not report me to the authorities for sexy crimes.

5. It could be that you think you, yourself, are sexy, and you're projecting those feelings onto me.

6. I guess I'll just have to live with your impression of me.

7. That's probably better than thinking I'm "sex"... not sure how I'd go about being "sex".

8. Perhaps you're drunk.

9. Could you describe in exactly what way I may be so?

10. Well, you'd be the first in a long line of nobody else.

11. Then I...

and you want my body... ?

12. Huh? What was that? You... you... want my body? Oh... Oh... well, that changes everything, doesn't it? I thought it was more of just a thought on your part; you know, like, you just thought I was or could possibly be sexy, as you put it. I didn't realize that there was actual physical lust involved. So... I guess... I guess uhhh... you know, forget all that stuff I wrote up above... ummm... yeah. Do you... do you, like, wanna go somewhere or something?

Potential Titles for My New Junior High Musical

1. Pimpletown

2. Best Forgotten Years

3. Hanging Out!

4. I Don't Know, What Do You Wanna Do?

5. Deodorant Days

6. Hormonia!

7. Puberty Party

8. Confused and Confused

9. Dis-Grace

August 4, 2007

Old Metaphors I Thought I Had Lost And Where I Found Them

1. Nagging conscience - found under an overdue library book that I had hastily shoved into the mouth of the whiniest hostage.

2. Cloud of doubt - found coalescing around my kernel of suspicion.

3. Pillar of virtue - just got it back from friends who borrowed it to use as a battering ram to break into the convent's rare cultural artifacts room.

4. Key to success - found it deep down in the couch cushions, must have fallen out of my pocket while I was in the middle of another 48-hour ice cream and whiskey-fueled cartoon channel marathon.

5. Bridge to the future - found in the garage underneath a whole bunch of old, unfinished projects from the past few years.

6. Dogs of war - found in their kennel, no food, little water; as befits any struggle for scarce resources, only one of the three had survived the fighting.

7. Fountain of knowledge - neighbor took it when I left it out on the street with a "free" sign on it. Now, it's covered in bird shit in his garden.

8. Hour of darkness - pretty sure it'll show up, it always seems like it's right behind me.

August 3, 2007

What They Say to and about Guys with Big Feet

1. "You know what's most amazing about your size sixteen feet? The fact that you have seven of them."

2. It's much easier for them to walk on thin ice.

3. They have to wear special shoes which prevent their toes from digging underground to establish a nourishing, but stationary, root system.

4. They make horrible ballerinas / spies.

5. "Can I borrow your shoe to knock down this supporting wall?"

6. If all you have is large feet, you think every problem looks like an ass waiting to be kicked.

7. Barefoot water skiing shouldn't be a challenge.

8. "Amazing! You can put your foot in your mouth with bending over!"

9. They have very big penises, just not always their own.

10. "When are the big footed forces going to end their cruel occupation of the autonomous territory of Smallfootland?"

11. In a pinch, feet can be used as a picnic table and rain shelter for the family.

12. They are descended directly from the first capital 'L'.

The River Sighs

Years and years of getting to
you pushed us by

Years and years of getting along
we sipped you dry

Year and years of getting over
ignored, you sigh

A strange meeting place for old friends
we heard your cry

Sorry for not calling ahead, sounded
like you wanted someone to say "Hi."

Could You Describe the Sound Please?

Hard to say where this list came from... an advanced case of synesthesia, perhaps.

1. A voracious screech you could taste.

2. A vibrant thud of brown.

3. Several popping-clicks that equaled the natural log of fifty-three.

4. The slick red vinyl of an underwater whistle.

5. A wave of whispers beating against an acrid puff of smoke.

6. Sumptuously tender, lemony claps of thunder.

7. Metallic rips blinded by wet heat.

8. Beep.

9. Cotton-filled flumps of bitter green.

August 2, 2007

Are You on Fire?

1. Yes, but it's a controlled burn of an overgrown patch of hair to lessen the risk of a lightning strike-induced wild fire.

2. No, I am merely wrapped in very crinkly orange plastic, and that plastic is on fire.

3. Yes, but not overly so.

4. Maybe, I'm waiting for my doctor's tests to come back from the lab.

5. No, but I am suffering from heat-related inflammation.

6. Yes, with unrequited passion for you.

7. Maybe, who wants to know?

8. Yes, but only internally.

9. No, it's my new Singed Flesh antiperspirant.

10. Yes, but I'm busy right now. I'll take care of it after my party.

11. No, the fire is on me.

12. Yes, but I like to think of it as heat-enabled. Why are you such a temperaturist?

13. Yes, yes, already! Please turn off the blowtorch!

14. Maybe, would you still love me if I was?

15. What? Sorry, I'm have a hard time hearing people over these loud flames and my piercing shrieks of intolerable pain.

16. No, I'm of fire.

Made-Up German Words that Might Best Describe Me if They Were Real and Translated Like I Want Them To Translate

Trust me, I actually have some method here. The really good thing is that I can spell these words however I want. No, I do not now speak, nor have I ever spoken, German.

1. Doomengloomen

2. Kwueuestinsimplun

3. Maluede

4. Komplanistanin

5. Frokkit

6. Vokglichtentunkerren

7. Robottlek

8. Sexporken

9. Gubb

10. Witpist

11. Neinhuenjokkersadductein

12. Ot

13. Solvurkengudwenuugibbuenunamurtenlinen

August 1, 2007

Lines I Won't Be Saying on Stage in the David Mamet Play Glengarry Glen Ross

1. Aw, shucks.

2. Sounds like somebody's got a case of the Mondays.

3. Son of a biscuit! What the fudge is going on here?!

4. What sayeth thee, kind sir?

5. Hey, let's go shopping!

6. When I hear you say that, I feel like you are not validating my emotion-state.

7. Captain, the Zewpodian plasma squadrons have defrequencied our radial-magnetosphere; should I progwave for additional xenonic bulwarking units?

8. Group hug!

9. It's all about trust and integrity.

10. Can someone kiss my boo-boo?

11. I don't know, maybe it's the wrong time of the month for me.

12. I'll follow this trail back to Deadwater Gulch; you circle south, and wait on the east rim until you hear the shooting start.

13. I'm in love with this beautiful world. I'm in love with this beautiful girl.

14. Of course, you can have your money back.

15. You just be the best you that you can be!

16. Always be caring.

[Come hear me not say these lines and infinitely more in Glengarry Glen Ross at the Northfield Arts Guild theater October 5, 6, 7, 12, 13, & 14, 2007. If you don't, I'll cry like the sissy my character isn't.]

All I Ever Needed to Know in Life, I Learned from Porn Films

1. It's better to share with a friend, or to share a friend.

2. It's important to show how and what you're feeling to others.

3. You can handle very big problems if you get right down to it.

4. Be willing to try new things, even if they are uncomfortable at first.

5. Let people know when they've made you happy.

6. Sometimes you just have to get dirty to get the job done.

7. There is great value in being a pizza delivery man.

8. It's okay to ask for help when you're dealing with a particularly hard problem.

9. Just do it.

10. Life is often a matter of inches.

11. You can pretend all you want, but everyone can tell if you, or any parts of you, are fake.

12. You don't have to be creative to get rewarded, but it sure can help.

13. Sometimes, it's better to take care of things by yourself.

14. If you can't actually feel interested in something, it's okay to pretend once in a while so you don't hurt anyone's feelings.

15. Every so often, you should step back from all your responsibilities, take a good long look at what surrounds you, and ask yourself: "Can I fuck it?"