December 29, 2007

Reasons Why You Should Not Attend "Sex With Seven Women"

1. You frequently have sex with eight or more women and don't want to take that kind of cut in your action.

2. You want to buy tickets online, but the internet killed your dog. So, you refuse to interact with it any longer.

3. We should always be striving to advance the arts and culture by constantly redoing classic plays by classic playwrights.

4. You celebrate the show's performance dates, Friday, January 11 and Saturday, January 12, as your own sacred, personal, but national, holidays.

5. Ten dollars is too much for sex with seven women; usually you only pay six.

6. You believe women should not be allowed to have sex as it is distasteful and, often, beneath them.

7. You have grave concerns that the show may not have enough hardcore content to appease your rarefied tastes.

8. You are sick and tired of supporting local arts organizations that have the gall to support local artists.

9. The play uses the unfortunate word "sex" in the title when it would have sounded so much better were it called "Consensual Physical Intimacy With Seven Women."

10. Turns out, you have to both wake up before 8 p.m. and get off your ass to make it to the Northfield Arts Guild theater for the show.

11. It represents the first time sex or sexuality has ever been used in writing, much less, script writing - marking the exact point at which Western Civilization began collapsing.

12. You're more into extreme theater and are holding out for next year's proposed "Anal Sex With Seventeen Women."

13. You are too dainty.

14. The play might convince you that the mythical beast called "Human Sexuality" is real after all.

15. You're worried that Shakespeare's royalties will decrease too much as a result of theater funds being funneled to this production.

16. Why should you have to pay to see a fundraising play for a local arts organization when they already are rich beyond belief from their long-term involvement with corrupt, monied Big Theater interests in this country?

17. Art is terrifying unless it's old and comfortable.

18. Stick is so far up your ass it impedes sitting in theater chairs.

19. The point of art has never been and must never be to challenge anyone.

(Full disclosure: The internet has only ever threatened my dog. The stick up my ass is comfortably ensconced, thank you very much.)


Incidentally, if you think this blog is simply the most awesome of all Northfield blogs, vote for it here...

If you don't think so, then vote for it here anyway.

December 28, 2007

What I Said That Really Killed the Party

1. Everyone stop! I'm missing a couple of my anthrax spores.

2. Luckily, the doctor said it's contagious between two people, and I'm only one person.

3. Has anyone seen my scab? I last scratched it when I was near the nachos.

4. I must contend that this party is merely a social construct, and, on some level, occurs only because we believe it occurs. Or have you not read your Berger?

5. This is the first party I've attended since releasing myself from prison.

6. I'll bet you twenty bucks I can fuck that hot German Shepard over there.

7. I feel it's crucial that I get out and associate with all you little people a couple times every year; it keeps everything in perspective for me.

8. Okay, who pissed in the punch before I had a chance to?

9. I wish the host had invested in an industrial-strength plunger.

10. No, I wasn't coming on to you; I meant: "Have you seen my penis?" As in, it was just in my pants, but now?

11. That should burn real easy.

12. What it comes down to is this: my word against a fifth-grader's. Who you gonna believe? A man who's already paid his debt to society or some eleven-year old floozy?

13. Oh, you mean this machine gun? I just use it for squirrel hunting and stuff.

14. It's been a bad month; I had to fire the pilots for all of my private jets when they decided to ask for health insurance.

15. ...and then for my fourth suicide attempt...

16. I know it doesn't look infected, but it sure smells like it. Take a sniff.

17. The problem with most cannibals is they overplay the whole recluse-loner angle. The way I figure it, you gotta meet 'em to eat 'em. That's what sets me apart.

18. I can menstruate on cue. Watch!

19. I'm both a mime and a ventriloquist.

December 26, 2007

Guilty! A Complete List of the Names of...

1. Nathaniel Sullied

2. Mo Lester

3. Linda "The Child Gourmet" Johnson

4. Emma Bezzle

5. Terrance Liable

6. Ellie Gal

7. Douglas Defenseless

8. Ann Deight

9. Stabby Jones

10. Optimus Subprime

11. Patterson G. Crimedoer

12. Ashley Killingspree

13. Lilly Plotkin, the Excessive Tickler

14. R. Sun

15. Edward Murderhands

December 25, 2007

The Names of the Innocent (A Complete List)

1. Ted and Joan Immaculate

2. Acton B. Righteous

3. Stacy the Licit

4. Humphrey N. Clear

5. Reginald of Virginal-upon-Pure

6. Brad Notguilty

7. Catherine the Upstanding

8. Frank Inculpable, Jr.

9. Prince Tetmar of Irreproachablistan

10. Stainless Jane

11. Betsy Neatybutt

12. Bob the Unoffensive

13. Sir Petridge Standiforth Horatio Faultless, OBE

14. Ms. Abigail Oft-Decorous

December 23, 2007

Just Some of the Many Fun CIA "Enhanced Interrogation" Techniques You Haven't Yet Heard About

Yippee for enhanced interrogation! The CIA never tires of asking questions. Sometimes, if you're visiting with the CIA and you don't hear a question, they have to enhance it by speaking with better diction or with greater volume or with upside-down drowning-simulation play or with longer stretches of shackled, enforced standing or with sexy, wet, naked time in a very cold room.

Little did I know, until someone shipped me this really funny home video the other day, there are many other types of enhanced interrogation that can be used to help a guest open up and tell you a little about him- or herself.

This video taught me so much. Here are just some of the ways the CIA, and, by extension, you, can help that shy friend or detainee share what's on their mind.

1. Tear out his heart and show it to him. Tell him you won't give it back until he stops being so coy.

2. Heavy, heavy, heavy petting.

3. Tell your friend or perpetually-housed, uncharged guest that you just won't speak to him until he is willing to be more emotionally vulnerable and trusting with you.

4. An infinite, very loud, thirty-second yodeling loop.

5. Something called "blender fondling". Your guest won't know what it is, but neither do you.

6. Promise to increase the size of his penis - one abrupt, violent yank at a time.

7. Blow fart noises on your pal's naked tummy and then say "Who's a cutie-wutie? Who's a good, widdle awweged terrowist enemy combatant?" Repeat.

8. When he answers a question, be sure to follow up with a quick "You sure?"

9. Make him watch television. Cover floor with lye and tacks. Lay friend on the floor. Place sixty-inch flat screen television directly on your guest's face. Turn it to the station of his choice.

10. Instead of "Good Cop / Bad Cop", you and a fellow curious investigator can play "Good CIA Agent / Really Good CIA Agent Who Happens to Have a Cattle Prod in His Hand" with your buddy.

11. You catch more flies with honey; so shove progressively larger jars of honey up his ass until he decides he just might have a few things he'd like to chat about.

December 21, 2007

Though I Am Reticent, I Feel That I Must Now Sex You In Some Manner. How About...

1. Like burnt honey on the crumbly, dry toasted end-piece of infinite pleasure?

2. Like a hydraulic drill press that is stuck in the "on" position?

3. Like a train that keeps going into the tunnel, then backing up, and then going into the same damn tunnel again, and then backing up, and never really, you know, getting anywhere?

4. Like a sparkler held aloft by a little girl on the Fourth of July and waved around, and... hey! Stop focusing on the little girl part of the metaphor alright. That's not what I meant! It could be a little boy or a dog or... ahhh, knock it off! You're twisting my words! It's a metaphor, that's all, mainly the sparkler part... maybe without the actual white hot flame, but more of the idea of a figurative white hot flame. Like that?

5. Like a flesh-eating virus that gets inside you and just eats you all up, because it loves you so much?

6. Like a tube of toothpaste that is actually shaped more like a penis and instead of toothpaste is filled with semen and also happens to be attached to my groin?

7. Like a vaginal tornado, or, at least, a strong, sub-uterine, low pressure system?

8. Like a cherry bomb without the resulting tissue damage?

9. Like the warm wool sock of satisfaction?

December 19, 2007

I Gots Trouble...

... in a bag.

... and I will trade it in for sorrow.

... in my lower back and lower ass.

... with your attitude.

... eating possum feet.

... trapped against the leeward side of the ol' Brinston ridge o'er yonder.

... under the stairs.

... only after have been gottens by this same trouble.

... and we should be back around ten-thirty tonight.

... with your altitude.

... finding trouble.

... sexing you all freaky-style.

... ocsking and riwtering.

... locating the United States on a map of America.

... and I will not release it until my demands are met.

... with your oafish manners, good sir.

... with my one-man military coup.

... with your aptitude.

... with unintentionally swallowing trees.

... feeding my cat to the neighborhood children.

... with my one-man musical about my successful one-man military coup.

... promulgating synergies for properful effectivization of my businessish, managementical leadershipings.

... pregnant.

... in the microwave.

... somewhere near River City.

... infinity.

... with your amplitude.

... in trouble.

... with verbs that may of may not ends in 's's. Eses? Esses? S-es? Do you sees? Now I gots an additionals trouble? Oh crap! Now anothers!

December 18, 2007

The Secret, Unreleased Findings of the Special Investigator's Report to the Northfield City Council

The long-awaited, oft-debated, much-inflated Special Investigator's Report has hit the fine City of Northfield like a ton of special investigation and reporting.

Who has been the naughty boy?

The Mayor?

The City Administrator?

The City Council?

That other guy?

In a special, secret report, released only to this reporter's brain, the Special Investigator makes it clear that there's plenty 'nuff blame to go around.

On with the spankings!

By which I mean conclusions!

In the report!

Of the Special Investigator!

1. In June of this year, the Mayor asked the City Administrator if he had a quarter so the mayor could get a nice, cold can of Orange Fanta from the pop machine. The City Administrator said "No." In a thorough review of municipal documents, this investigation has revealed that the city administrator not only had a quarter, he had, at the time, one quarter, three dimes and two nickels - essentially, two quarters - in his right hand pocket.

2. The "Secret Knock" requirement to enter the Mayor's office has become increasingly exclusionary and a detriment to an effective and open democratic process.

3. Fridays will remain "Free Bubblegum Day" in the council chambers provided no additional chewed wads are discovered improperly adhered to the undersides of city property.

4. The investigator has reached the conclusion that the city council, either acting in whole or in part, shall not be allowed to have a pet gerbil at this time. Issues regarding the cleaning of the cage, proportionate playing time, and proper veterinary care have not been satisfactorily resolved since last month's unfortunate blow-dryer incident with John North, Jr., the council's ex-guinea pig.

5. This investigation has revealed a startling lack of clarity in the City Administrator and Mayoral roles regarding the stewardship of the city's karaoke machine. Further review by the city's Party Machine Committee is strongly recommended, particularly as it relates to the sensitive "I Will Survive" exclusivity rights currently claimed by both officials.

6. All available evidence leads this investigation to uphold the long-standing requirement that council members and city staff may disregard the decisions of the council that have been reached by a super majority of councilor's votes unless that requirement is overridden by a super majority.

7. The Mayor is hereby charged to reduce the frequency with which he uses "that scowly face" during council meetings.

8. The investigator has yet to reach a conclusion on the final issue, but, within the next two to three weeks, it is expected that a full addendum will be available detailing exactly who tried to fax a piece of sausage pizza on May 14th.

How to Roll

Step 1. Get really fat.

Step 2. Remove feet.

Step 3. Remove legs.

Step 4. Remove arms.

Step 5. Stitch your hands back onto where your arm sockets were. This just looks funny, okay?

Step 6. Ask the first person that come along the following question: Please don't be alarmed, but could you please remove my head and then push me down a hill?

Step 7. Don't take "no" for an answer.

Step 8. Not that you'd have any choice, you porky legless, hand-shouldered blob. I mean, what are you going to do, chase the person down if they refuse to remove your head?

Step 9. You should have thought of that before you got fat, removed your legs and sewed your hands to your arm sockets.

(NB: Duh! You make me sick!)

How to Rock

Step 1. Lay down.

Step 2. Let time elapse.

Step 3. Continue to let time elapse.

Step 4. Allow the wind and rain and driving dust of a million days wash over you.

Step 5. Allow minerals to leach through your flesh.

Step 6. Allow the dust and dirt to peel away.

Step 7. Wake up to a brand new world.

Step 8. Presto!

(NB: Wear a jacket. It gets cold after a few hundred thousand years or so.)

December 17, 2007

How to Be Even More Zen

Step 1. Repeat.

(NB: Repeat.)

How to Be More Zen

Step 1.

Step 2.

Step 3.

Step 4.

Step 5.

Step 6.

Step 7.

Step 8.

Step 9. Repeat.

(NB: Always.)

How to Have Sex without Furniture

Step 1. Find someone else.

Step 2. Find an empty room with a green screen.

Step 3. Bring the other person there.

Step 4. Position other person in front of green screen.

Step 5. Start the video camera.

Step 6. Have sex with the other person.

Step 7. At what seems to you to be an appropriate ending point, stop having sex.

Step 8. Stop the video camera.

Step 9. Stand around awkwardly until the other person gets the point and leaves.

Step 10. Lock door behind the other person.

Step 11. Digitally overlay sex footage with a green-screened background of furniture, lots and lots of glorious furniture.

Step 12. Imagine that you actually just had sex with the furniture instead of the other person.

Step 13. Ahhhhh yeaaaaahhh...

(NB: Also works with real furniture provided you don't bother with the other person, although it requires considerably more romancin' on your part.)

December 14, 2007

How to Have Sex with Furniture

Step 1. You must work on yourself above all else.

Step 2. Ask yourself if you're looking for a committed human/furniture relationship.

Step 3. If not, seek out furniture that looks like it's ready for some purely physical intimacy.

Step 4. Invite that piece or those pieces of furniture over for supper.

Step 5. Put on some romantic music.

Step 6. Prepare supper, preferably a nice mixture of sweet and succulent.

Step 7. Get the furniture just a little tipsy.

Step 8. Flatter the furniture. Does it look nice in that slipcover? Then tell it that it does.

Step 9. Caress the furniture.

Step 10. Take that furniture to bed; unless it is a bed, then you're already there.

Step 11. Ahhhh yeaaaaahh...

(NB: Baby, why ya gotta be like that? You know I luv ya. Course I do! Now, let's see what's under that cushion.)

(NB#2: Please use protection; any of the reputable stain-guard brands should do.)

How to Start a Checking Account

Step 1. Make sure checking account has ample supply of money or dollars or both.

Step 2. Prime interest rate.

Step 3. Consult with banking official about whatever.

Step 4. Collect requisite multiple copies of glossy, colorful banking pamphlets about the life decision you are about to make that will enable you and your life partner and family and golden retrievers and even gerbils to jaunt and cavort in various bucolic environments - lakes, backyards, fields, minivans, anonymous country scenes - enjoying your riches in ways that would not have been possible without the tender care of a financial institution or the monetary instruments that you are about to start.

Step 5. Insert key into checking account.

Step 6. Turn key clockwise while stepping on cash.

Step 7. Roll away in your glorious new checking account.

Step 8. Sit back and wait for the life of step 4 to commence.

(NB: Do not ask the bank where it keeps the families pictured in the pamphlets. The bank does not appreciate such an inquiry.)

December 13, 2007

How to Be a Drug Dealer

Step 1. Find six or seven babies.

Step 2. Sit babies around table.

Step 3. Take their drink orders.

Step 4. Serve drinks.

Step 5. Shuffle drugs.

Step 6. Deal drugs, one at a time, drug-side down, to each baby.

Step 7. Play begins on the drug dealer's left.

Step 8. Play continues, clockwise, until one baby is all out of drugs.

Step 9. Collect drugs.

Step 10. Shuffle and deal again.

(NB: Can also be played in a sudden-death variation in which the winner is the first to suddenly die. Those who die gradually do not win. Make sure no baby is wearing a wire, as wires pose a strangulation risk for babies. The first round is free.)

How to Win at Blackjack

Step 1. Install tiny video camera in cute baby.

Step 2. Sit baby next to you at blackjack table.

Step 3. During particularly big game, shout out: "Hey! This cute baby's cheating!"

Step 4. During the ensuing scuffle between the baby and casino security, make off with all the money.

Step 5. Buy new tiny video camera.

Step 6. Find another cute baby that plays blackjack.

Step 7. Convince that baby to cheat.

Step 8. Install tiny video camera in that baby.

Step 9. Find a new casino.

(NB: Also works for roulette, although not very well.)

How to Skin a Cat

Step 1. Find a very fleshy baby.

Step 2. Remove baby's heart.

Step 3. Remove baby's extra skin.

Step 4. Elevate baby above baby's heart to slow bleeding.

Step 5. Apply tourniquet to baby to stop bleeding completely.

Step 6. Glue newly-removed skin to cat.

Step 7. Pet new, smooth cat.

(NB: Don't tie tourniquet too tightly, as it may hurt the baby.)

How to Have Good Luck

Step 1. Find a snake.

Step 2. Rub baby.

Step 3. Harder.

Step 4. Harder.

Step 5. Keep rubbing.

Step 6. Enjoy your good luck.

(NB: Ask yourself: Am I rubbing this baby hard enough? Watch out for snakes.)

December 12, 2007

How to Start a War

Step 1. Find a foreign baby.

Step 2. Convince everyone that this baby was recently spotted trying to purchase uranium from a Nigerian maternity ward.

Step 3. Make sure everyone understands that this baby is a massive chemical weapon.

Step 4. Create a document which links the massive chemical weapon's diaper manufacturer to a person who looks like someone who knows someone who may have committed an atrocious terrorist act in your country.

Step 5. Bomb country where the baby lives.

Step 6. Repeat.

Step 7. Win re-election with constant reminders of dangerous babies.

(NB: It may help to draw a sinister mustache on the baby.)

How to Drive Defensively

Step 1. Get in car.

Step 2. Entice international criminals, drunks, CIA agents or Lutherans to chase you.

Step 3. Slow down.

Step 4. Wait for their car to get very close to yours.

Step 5. At the precise moment when the criminal, drunk, agent or Lutheran is going to ram your car, or shoot you, or shame you with a rigorous scowl and finger wave, press the "Baby Slick" button on the secret under-dashboard retractable panel.

Step 6. Accelerate.

Step 7. Laugh in glee watching your pursuer spin out of control on the slippery rabble of babies that shot out of the baby slick nozzle on your rear bumper.

Step 8. Restock your vehicle's baby slick reservoir when you get back home.

(NB: Keep babies well-fed; fat babies provide less traction.)

How to Paint a House

Step 1. Find a house.

Step 2. Subdue house to prevent it from suddenly moving about.

Step 3. Affix paint sprayer attachment to most any baby.

Step 4. Fill baby with paint.

Step 5. Squeeze baby hard for maximum uniformity of coverage.

Step 6. In corners and along seams, tickle baby for more precise application.

Step 7. Let paint dry.

Step 8. Apply second coat.

Step 9. Rinse baby.

(NB: Again, do not use lead-based paint, as it may cause the baby undue harm. Some babies, however, may also be allergic to latex-based paints. Please ask baby before filling.)

How to Be Evil

Step 1. Find a baby.

Step 2. Teach that baby to be the most popular baby around.

Step 3. Staple this popular baby to your face.

Step 4. Attend many parties.

Step 5. Frequently point out that you have a popular baby stapled to your face.

Step 6. Make friends with all the right people.

Step 7. Influence people.

Step 8. Then tell people what you really think about them.

(NB: Bonus evil points if you remind people that god is a figment of their imagination designed by humans to control each other with the promise of a lollipop if you're good. People hate being reminded about that.)

How to Be Popular

Step 1. Find a baby.

Step 2. Teach that baby to be the most popular baby around.

Step 3. Staple this popular baby to your face.

Step 4. Attend many parties.

Step 5. Frequently point out that you have a popular baby stapled to your face.

Step 6. Make friends with all the right people.

Step 7. Influence people.

(NB: You can add to your popularity by duct taping two other popular babies to your hands. Always smile, because you've got the cutest little stapled-babyface.)

December 11, 2007

How to Pop a Zit

Step 1. Find zit.

Step 2. Insert air nozzle into zit.

Step 3. Pump the pump.

Step 4. Once zit has reached 35 psi, stop pumping the pump.

Step 5. Remove air nozzle.

Step 6. Find baby.

Step 7. Sharpen baby to a fine, needle-like point.

Step 8. Throw sharp end of baby at inflated zit.

Step 9. Wash baby and zit blast zone.

(NB: Zits can be found on skin - yours or someone else's. Sharp babies may cause injury; wear safety goggles.)

How to Safely Cliff Dive

Step 1. Find a cliff.

Step 2. Locate water at base of cliff.

Step 3. Climb cliff.

Step 4. Tie one baby to another to start a babychain.

Step 5. Continue tying babies together until babychain is long enough to reach water.

Step 6. Baby by baby, slowly lower babychain into water.

Step 7. Raise babychain out of water and to the top of the cliff.

Step 8. Inspect how many babies are wet.

Step 9. If at least six babies are completely wet, the water is deep enough for diving.

Step 10. Slowly lower the babychain into the water again.

Step 11. Secure uppermost baby of babychain to the top of the cliff.

Step 12. Dive.

Step 13. Use babychain to ascend cliff for future dives.

(NB: Please don't pollute - take your babychain home when done diving. The world record cliff dive was 179.4 babies high. Please use sun screen and watch for crosswinds. Good luck.)

How to Perform the Heimlich Maneuver

Step 1. Find or make someone choke on something.

Step 2. Find a baby.

Step 3. Throw or otherwise maneuver the baby at or around the choking victim.

Step 4. Name the baby "Heimlich".

Step 5. Ask choking victim if she or he would like to see the maneuver again.

Step 6. Repeat until victim doesn't want to see it any longer.

Step 7. Find or create new choker.

(NB: Make sure Heimlich is not choking on something; otherwise you would have to find a secondary baby, then you would have two babies named Heimlich. Too cute and too confusing.)

How to Win the Lottery

Step 1. Find a lottery.

Step 2. Paint all the lottery numbers on a wall.

Step 3. Throw baby at wall numbers.

Step 4. Record which number the baby hits, or comes closest to hitting - use your best judgment.

Step 5. Threaten to continue throwing baby at wall unless they let you win the lottery.

Step 6. Invest winnings conservatively.

Step 7. Responsibly report winnings on your taxes.

(NB: Lotteries are often found in gas stations. Do not use lead-based paint as it could harm the baby. May require more than one baby.)

Some of my other sound advice:
Some other recent posts for your pleasure:
HERE ARE ALL 366 PLAYS that I wrote in 366 DAYS:

How to Eat a Lobster

Step 1. Find ocean.

Step 2. Hover above ocean.

Step 3. Call out "Here lobsty, lobsty, lobsty".

Step 4. Grab lobster when it leaps out of water at your siren song.

Step 5. Boil water.

Step 6. Throw lobster in water.

Step 7. Cry at its pained, mournful screams.

Step 8. Put cooked lobster on plate.

Step 9. Throw baby at plate.

Step 10. Instruct baby to eat lobster.

Step 11. Eat baby.

Step 12. Wash hands.

Step 13. Cleanse soul.

Step 14. Find a different ocean where the lobsters won't suspect the danger disguised in your enchanting call.

(NB: You can also wash your hands before eating the baby. It shouldn't really matter.)

December 10, 2007

How to Change a Flat Tire

Step 1. Get a flat tire.

Step 2. Remove spare tire from trunk.

Step 3. Remove spare baby from under seat.

Step 4. Teach baby how to change a flat tire.

Step 5. Throw baby at flat tire.

Step 6. Replace baby under seat.

(NB: Make sure vehicle has stopped completely before throwing baby at flat tire.)

How to Beat Cancer

Step 1. Buy firecracker.

Step 2. Buy cute baby.

Step 3. Distract cancer by exploding the firecracker.

Step 4. Throw baby at cancer.

Step 5. Instruct baby to destroy cancer.

Step 6. Return baby. Full refund if within thirty days.

Step 7. Break for lunch.

(NB: Do not attempt to return firecracker. Does not work on all cancers, just the distractable ones.)

How to Save a Drowning Man

Step 1. Ask man if he is drowning.

Step 2. Wait for answer.

Step 3. Throw cute baby at man.

Step 4. Instruct baby to pull man to safety.

Step 5. Dry baby.

Step 6. Receive payment from drowning man (cash only).

Step 7. Push man into water again.

Step 8. Blame the baby.

(NB: Does not work for drowning women.)

How to Disarm an Attacker

Step 1. Hold up cute baby.

Step 2. Wait for attacker to say "ahhhhh".

Step 3. Throw baby into attacker's face.

Step 4. Instruct baby to chew off attacker's arms.

Step 5. Clean baby.

Step 6. Reload.

Step 7. Patiently wait in the bushes for the next attacker to come along.

(NB: Also works with fluffy kitties.)

December 9, 2007

All the Awesome Aspects of Anorexia

1. Rhymes with 'anosexia'.

2. Bones are way hotter than flesh.

3. No one likes you, and anorexia means there's less of you for them to dislike.

4. In advanced stages, it's a built-in defense against physical assault charges.

5. Also, in advanced stages, it's a built-in defense against being sexually assaulted.

6. You have several letter openers on each hand.

7. Decreased demand for food means lower prices for everyone else.

8. It's like a "Build-Your-Own Disability" kit.

9. Should your house start on fire, it would be much easier to toss you out the window to safety.

10. None of that gross vomiting like those sicko bulimics.

11. Teaches you how to set a goal and go for it.

Some Thoughts I Have Had Upon Entering the Shower

1. I do so like ham.

2. I think I've been here before.

3. This would be more fun if my shower had the internet... the interwetnet.

4. Ham is very, very tasty.

5. Whoops, should've taken my clothes off first.

6. So glad I put in that mirrored floor, really helps for precision cleaning of the undercarriage.

7. Wait a second, if I shower in my clothes, I can do some laundry and clean up at the same time.

8. I have to find somewhere else to cook supper.

9. Hey, ladies. I'm back.

10. I wish this shower were made out of ham.

11. If I put this in my closet, I can do all my laundry, get clean, and scrub the floor with my soapy feet.

12. I never should have made this shower out of yarn.

13. I have to find somewhere else to store that carcass.

14. Ah crap! Is it lather, rinse, repeat or some other order? Man, if this shower had the internet, I could find the answer on

15. I wonder if anyone makes a ham-based yarn?

16. I have to find somewhere else to house the dairy herd.

17. Why doesn't this shower take American Express any more?

18. Oh, hey, that's where I left my penis.

19. I know, I'll boil a ham in the hot water heater. Then I can have hot ham juice in the shower every day.

20. I have to find somewhere else to cache my weapons; that's the fourth girlfriend the cattle have shot this month.

21. Good thing I brought my compass this time.

22. Why's it always raining in this box?

23. Shit. I really need some ham.

December 6, 2007

My Prospective Titles for the "Snakes On A Plane" Sequel

It will be tough to top a movie title like "Snakes On A Plane". I mean, think about it... here you have four words which pull multiple duties.

They serve as:
1) The title
2) The plot
3) The script
4) The critical review
5) The ready-made, hotel-room, HBO magazine summation

Without ever having seen the original movie, I will hereby venture to guess at what Hollywood insiders might be toying with for a title for the next "Snakes On A Plane" movie... and, dear God, I hope they make one... so I can not have to see it to know exactly what happens.

1. Snakes On A Plane II: The Resnakening

2. Bigger Snakes On A Bigger Plane

3. Vipers On A Jet

4. Again With The Snakes And The Plane And The Hissing (Jerry Lewis remake)

5. Earthworms On A Cessna

6. Plane Snakes!

7. The Suborder Serpentes Aboard A Commercial Airliner

8. Sssssssss On A Plane

9. High-Flying Herpetological Hijinks

10. The Distressing Yet Astounding Adventures Experienced By The Snake Family Upon Traveling One Day By Aero-plane

11. Boas On A Boeing

12. Snakes On A Plane 2: Again!

13. A Plane With Snakes On It

14. Thank You For Flying With Snake-Filled Airlines

15. Akesnay Onway Away Aneplay (Pig Latin remake)

16. Planes! Snakes! On Them!

17. Caution: Plane May Contain One Or More Snakes

18. Trousersnakes On A Plane (porn remake)

19. Snakes On A Chicken On A Crocodile On A Rhinoceros On A Plane

20. Snakes On Planes? Perhaps...

21. Public Snakes, Private Planes

22. Snakes On A Plane III: Snakes On A Plane, Part 2

23. Snakes With Guns On A Plane

24. Enalp A No Sekans ("Memento" remake)

25. Snakes Near A Plane

26. I Hate Snakes On A Plane (Raiders Of The Lost Ark IV)

27. Snakeplane! The Musical!

28. Snakes On A Plane. SNAKES On A Plane! SNAKES On A PLANE!! SNAKES ON A PLANE!!!

29. Snakes On Two Planes

30. Snakes On A Plane v2.0: Snakier On A Planier

31. Snakes On This Particular Plane

32. Snaaakes.... ona.............. Plane (starring William Shatner)

33. Snaked On A Plane: The Reptile Mile High Die Club

34. Snakes On A Plane, But In Coach Class Only

35. Snakes on The Plane (It's Pronounced 'Thee')

36. Snakes On A Plane, But Not The Same Plane As Before

More Pick-Up Lines: Male to Female

1. Pardon me, are you going to be using that vagina?

2. Hey, I couldn't help but notice that you're female, and... well, you're female.

3. I'm going to have you arrested for willful incitement of masturbation.

4. If you were dying of a horrible disease, I would punch that disease right in the face.

5. Which term do you find more offensive: 'bitch' or 'womanwhoisgoingtogivemeahandjobinthebathroomrightnow'?

6. Your breasts are so amazing! I just want to cut them off and display them in my den!

7. When our eyes met across this crowded room, I couldn't help but wonder where am I, and who are all these people, and who the fuck are you anyway, and why were you staring at me? Answer me! Answer me now, damnit!!

8. I think you're proof that looks aren't important. I'll fuck just about anything.

9. My ex-wife used to say that I was crude and self-centered, which is not true at all; I also have a huge cock that you are going to suck for me.

10. I'll bet it would be so much better to have sex with you than all those mannequins in my basement.

11. I have a theory about your genitals, but I'll need to do some extensive testing before I make any conclusions.

12. Nice uterus!

December 3, 2007

I Wish to Be Objectified as a Hot, Quivering Slab of Man Flesh on My Own Terms

1. If you think I'm sexy, and you want my body, get in line. Right now, I'd like to spend time with women who think I'm sexy or who want my body, but not both.

I'll thank you to be inclusive in your comments: it is more accurate to say that I am shaking what both my mother and father "gave me."

3. I don't care how much money you have or how far you've come, I do not take traveler's checks.

4. Federal law stipulates that I get one fifteen minute break for every four hours spent grinding my loins against you.

I refuse to pose as your beefcake calendar's Mr. April wearing only a maraschino cherry. Mr. September or Mr. May, maybe.

6. You obviously feel possessive of what you think you own, but, nonetheless, it remains my junk.

7. Please do not slobber all over my buns of steel, lest they rust.

8. Once again, I prefer "dark", "handsome", then "tall" in that order. There is no room in that sequence for "magically delicious."

9. Stunt cocks have feelings too.

Autopsy Report Excerpts

Selected passages from the paperwork of another one of my many careers - a job that I was not able to hold onto very long:

1. "First, I removed the head. This allowed for two things: I was able to determine conclusively that the patient was dead, and I was able to cut up the rest of the body without the patient's eyes gazing at me with that creepy 'I'm dead' stare. I made sure of this by gouging the head's eyes out, and putting them in a box in the other room."

2. "The very cute corpse was wheeled into my lab at 6:25 p.m. on Friday night, March 7. Despite spending considerable time attempting to revive her, she remained dead. One more Friday night without a date for this lonely pathologist. Why must she tempt me so? I turned out the lights and headed home."

3. "...right tibia and patella, coccyx, and probably two or three ribs all might show extensive damage. It should be noted why this damage is hypothetical in nature: I can no longer confirm that the bones in question are truly 'damaged' as much as 'missing.' Not sure where I put them."

4. "In good conscience, I cannot work on this body. It would represent a distinct conflict of interest as, earlier this evening, I had a blind date with this woman that ended badly. Very, very badly."

5. "In my professional opinion, subject died because he was a fat fucking pig."

6. "Subject appears to have succumbed to the terminal pain brought about by the sudden departure of her heart's true love, her soulmate, her one and only, her muse, her candle in the darkness, plus she was run over by a train."

November 29, 2007

I Am So High Right Now

Dude! I am sooo high right now! hey, hey, did you, did you ever, like, you could, you know, you could... I heard this, you... if you, you took out all your ummmm brain cells, like, you took them one by one out of, took them from your brain, you know?

And you took out and laid, and put them down on a table or something like that and laid them down, each of them, and you couldn't even count them!

There would be so many!

You couldn't, there are too many brain cells to count... plus, you don't have a brain anymore, so it'd be hard to, to count them... anyway.... I'm so fucking high right now!


Here's the complete list of the shit in my system right now:

1. Marywannafuckme

2. Diet cocaine

3. High-grade niacin

4. A whole assload of little round pills that had 'm's on them

5. WD-40

6. Heroine

7. Sugar smack

8. Quality shit

9. WD-41

10. L, S, and D, separately

11. Meta-amphetamine

12. Piss, vinegar

13. Imported pure Panamanian carbon

14. Ass'ed

15. WWJD-40

November 26, 2007

Have a Coke and a ???!

Secret documents forwarded to me by Secret Document Forwarding Services, International (1919 Rue de la Suspect Lettuce, Planchettes du Nord, France) detail the excruciating decision the good people at the Coca-Cola Company faced in trying to determine the proper ending to their famous "Have a Coke and a Smile" tagline from the early 1980s.  
Here are some of the options their creative teams developed, and why company elders rejected each.

1. Have a Coke and a cock! -- The two words were just too similar, leading people to two-fisting carbonated beverages or penises, but never in the strict one-to-one ratio the slogan clearly advocated.

2. Have a Coke and a stroke! -- It rhymes, but they couldn't guarantee you'd have a stroke, and advertising was then, is now, and forever shall be about telling the verifiable truth.

3. Have a Coke and a Pepsi! -- It was a nice gesture, but they soon realized that they were being too fair.

4. Have a Coke and an abortion! -- Seemed too much like social engineering on their part. Also alienated men, most of whom might never be able to have both.

5. Have a Coke and a sensible breakfast! -- Redundant.  Coke is a sensible breakfast.

6. Have a Coke and a something else! -- Yes, but what? Nicely vague, but left too much choice to the consumer.

7. Have a Coke and a virgin! -- Very popular with male executives, until they remembered they were selling to Americans.

8. Have a Coke and a non-negative anterior expressive phenomenon! -- This would have been chosen, but the jingle was a bit too supercalifragilisticexpialidociousish.

9. Have a Coke and a whiskey! -- This fell through when they failed to get a whiskey manufacturer that felt comfortable telling people to drink something that was clearly bad for them.

10. Have a Coke or a smile!
11. Have a Coke, but smile!
12. Have a Coke, and smile damnit! -- So close, but they felt these slogans made Coke, somehow, anti-smile.  It took four years after these candidates to come up with phrasing that included both Coke and smiles in a non-mutually-exclusive or peaceful context.

Epilogue:  The eventual tagline resulted in a huge increase in sales for Coke, but nothing could have prepared them for the success of its spin-off slogan: 1985's "Have a Diet, Caffeine-Free Coke and a diet, caffeine-free smile!!"  Industry analysts theorize that it was Coke's innovative, now legendary, double-exclamation point strategy that put this one over the top.

November 24, 2007

What the Driver in Front of Me on Maple Street This Morning Was Doing Besides Driving

Apparently not aware that the street contained more than one lane, the green SUV in front of me drifted sleepily from side to side, from curb to curb. I advanced backwardly and wondered what the hell this woman was doing.

Now, don't fret: I have no bias against female drivers. I have absolutely no intention of stereotyping an entire gender because of the poor driving skills of one. Quite the contrary, study after study has proven that women are remarkably adept drivers considering their tiny, distractable brains. Plus, they're
just so cute there, behind the wheel, pretending to drive like real people.

Also, I'm sure this adorable, horrible motorer had more important things on her mind than the lives of others. The details of her own life were obviously too crowded to fit concern for yours inside. She drove erratically, yes, but, let us not begrudge her the freedom to do so lest we fail to realize just how close driving erratically is to driving erotically. Eventually, her happenstance progress may have lead her into that four-wheeled bliss; perhaps right before leading her into that family of four, that fire hydrant or that maple tree.

What was this woman doing besides driving? Apparently anything, like...

1. Sweeping the width of the boulevard, protecting the east and west curbs from terrorist incursion.

2. Trying to improve radio reception by driving in the exact, synchronous form of the waves for her favorite oldies station.

3. Applying lipstick to her retinas.

4. Talking on her cell phone, and her other cell phone, and the cell phone she suspected was under the passenger seat.

5. Check her vehicle's "Swervability" index to see if she might need to get her steering wheel re-randomized.

6. The gear shift.

7. Adjusting her rearview mirror, on a continuous basis, with her ass.

8. Dancing with the birdies! The birdies! Oh look! Over there! More birdies! And on this side too!

9. Avoiding the sun's harmful rays; as she had forgotten to apply sun screen to her vehicle's sensitive skin.

10. Expressing herself automotively.

11. Veering... for love.

12. Mistakenly turning up the poisonous gas release valve rather than the radio volume knob.

13. Succumbing to car-rabies.

November 20, 2007

What's Creepier?

A test for you all. There are no right answers, only correct responses.

You need to reply openly and honestly, or the test will cry about your shallow, deceitful ways.

The test is called "What's Creepier?", and it has enjoyed a rich history dating back to the beginning of this post.

So, here we go:

What's creepier?

a) Getting a human head in your mailbox
b) Getting a human head into your mailbox
c) Getting a note in your mailbox saying that the human head didn't fit; so you can pick it up at your local post office
d) When you get to the post office, you find that they can't find the human head; so they give you another human head they've had in the backroom for a while

a) Finding out your wife is your long, lost sister
b) Finding out your wife's dog is your long, lost sister
c) Finding out your husband is your long, lost sister
d) Finding out your long, lost sister is your wife's husband
e) Finding out each of the above is true
f) Only suspecting that these things might be true and lying awake every night ... wondering, always wondering

a) Jesus farting
b) Jesus farting, then shouting "Yippee!"
c) Jesus farting, then weeping about it
d) Jesus insisting that you fart "right fucking now!"
e) A fart in the shape of Jesus

a) The eyes in a painting following you as you walk across the room
b) The eyes in a painting following your ass as you walk across the room
c) The penis in a painting following the eyes that are following your ass as you walk across the room

a) A spider
b) A spider dressed as a clown
c) A spider dressed as a clown doing mime
d) A mime dressed as a clown doing a spider
e) A clown

November 17, 2007

I Am Staring At Your Breasts

A Monologue For 1.5 Actors

Huh? Wha... oh, hi! Nice to see you! So glad you could all make it!
What's that? All? Did I say "all"? Well, I'm not sure why I...
Of course, it's just you. Right.
No, I didn't ask anyone else to join us. That would be rather awkward, if I asked you out to my favorite restaurant on a date, and also asked someone else.
No, of course not. I've been looking forward to this all month!
Yes, yes, I know. Well, you're a popular woman, of course. Anyone can see that!
I just mean, you know, just looking at you...
No, bu...
..It's just...
I said "date"?
I'm sor...
of course not, it...
To discuss, righ...
Well, yes, I can see how that might seem like...
I meant more like date, as in appointment, that you make, you know...
In a date book, that's right.
Meeting? Yes, yes, yes, "meeting" is a better term.
Yes, popular in the sense that you've made quite a splash at the company.
You're welcome.
Well, I know Frank and Rich were very jealous that I was meeting with you here.
Probably, just because, ummm... you know, they really like the food.
That's what I meant.
That's a beautiful dress, by the way.
No. I...
I compliment...
I compliment all the gals around the office on their clothing.
Yes, you are the only woman in the office these days.
Right, so I compliment you, but I would compliment other women.
Yes, and we need to work on that.
That's why we're meeting. Right.
Right. Because...
Right, exactly.
That's why you were hired, of course.
Well, you were hugely recommended to deal with problems of this shape. Scope.
So, I hired you to get to the bottom of this problem.
We need to come up with a strategy; so this company stops burning through...
Right. That's what we need, and we heard you were a real shoot-from-the-tit kind of...
What!? No!
Listen! There's no point in being all hormonal about this. It...
That's what I... slip of the tongue, that's all it was. I'm sorry.
Really, please?
I realize that; that's why I hired you. To figure out why we can't hold on to good women at this company.
Yes, yes, well, I guess that's your area.
Something's driving these women from our office, and as the new sexual harassment policy adviser, we need to get a firm grip on these problems.
Well, I didn't want to say...
Yeah, I worry about Gary too. Just between you and me, I think he's the root of the problem.
Well, with the five previous sexual harassment advisers we had this year, he was always making them uncomfortable.
Oh, doing things like asking them how large their breasts were, asking if he could touch their breasts. Minor things like that.
Oh. I mean only that I don't think he was ever serious.
Of course, of course, sure, yes. You're absolutely right. Yes, it is serious.
Very serious, and...
Fire him? Uhh...
Well, but, you know, that's just Gary, you know?
No, no, I'm not...
I'm not defending him at all. He's just, well, you know, that way.
No, no, I just mean, he's a normal guy, and...
Of course, I know some women might not appreciate his sense of humor.
No, it's not funny, you're right.
But, he's a good guy, and...
What? He's not the only one?
I'm not sure what you mean.
No, no! No, I would never do...
I just...
I... just have a hard time focusing... looking people in the eyes.
Uhhh... fine! Alright! Yes, I am staring at your breasts!
Because they're soooo... Can I just touch...
Wait! Hey! Come back!



November 16, 2007

Brendon Makes Some Observations

- Have you ever noticed that ranch dressing looks an awful lot like semen? I have. It's one of the reasons I never eat salads when directing porn films.

- Sometimes, when I look down, I see my left foot; sometimes, I see my right. Still other times, when I look down, I see the foot that I found in the cemetery. It's fallen out of my sandwich again.

- Hey! Look at that! Neat.

- I suppose it's easy to say that a cube has six sides, if you want to stereotype cubes that way, but why do you need to be so prejudicial? Cubes are people too.

- Have you ever stapled your eyelids shut so you could get some sleep? Don't. It doesn't really work.

- Oh. You didn't see it? That's too bad.

- It's really hard to make fun of illiterate people when you're a writer.

- If you're on fire, put it out. If you're under eighteen, then make sure you get a parent's permission first. If you're an orphan and under eighteen, then there's nothing you can do, but that's okay, no one loves you anyway.

- No, no. It wasn't that cool. Don't worry about it.

- Did anyone else notice that FDR, JFK and LBJ all had three initials in their names, and they were all president of something? Also, they're all dead. Explain that!

- If you're short, you can blame your genes, but I think we all know that you're just not trying hard enough.

- Holy crap! There it is again! Amazing!

November 15, 2007

Other Military Strategies Besides "Shock & Awe"

With the overwhelming success of the "Shock & Awe" strategy in Iraq, it may seem tempting to apply that tactic to every new war we create.

Never one to rest on my laurels - because I've misplaced them - I say, let's think creatively. Let's develop new plans for invading and subduing other nations that don't stand a chance, and will actually stand a negative chance when we hit them with these brilliant military schemes:

1. Mock & Guffaw

2. Exterminate & Explode

3. Run Around & Scream

4. Johnson & Johnson

5. Stun & Mime

6. Stretch & Breathe (also good for yoga)

7. Fuck & Run

8. Gambol & Cavort

9. Kill & Maim

10. Love & Leave

11. Sniff & Lick

12. Piss & Moan (works well when combined with Bitch & Complain)

13. Rinse & Repeat

14. Lift & Separate

15. Thrill & Delight

16. Trudge & Bore

17. Empathize & Kill

18. Shake & Shimmy

19. Surprise & Entrance

20. Enslave & Liberate

21. Bemuse & Befuddle

22. Kill & Kill

23. Destroy & Deny

24. Belittle & Bewitch

25. Dance & Drink

26. Shucks & Awww

November 14, 2007

What I Am Smoking Today

I was recently asked by a fellow male-underwear model / cannibal / blogger the following question: "Are you going to eat that thyroid?"

After sharing the gland in question and posing for the new Sunday Times fishnet micro-briefs glossy insert, he saw me lighting up. Curious, he inquired: "What are you smoking today?"

I grabbed my life-long friend by the ears, took a playful bite out of his left shoulder (he hardly ever uses it), then we sat around the photo studio's campfire in our man-thongs, hoisted a couple long necks and a couple beers, and bled and joked about what indeed I might be smoking on such a fine day.

1. Asstango 100s

2. This thing I found in my cat's litter box

3. Ennui Naturals

4. The tragic and the sublime

5. Lo-Tar MiddleSkoolKools

6. A twenty dollar bill, unfiltered

7. Sardine Menthols

8. Film School Prerequisites

9. 100 grams of high-grade imported pussy

10. Incredulity

11. Seriously Not A Penis Substitute UltraLites

12. The U.S. Constitution, amended

13. The stares of the questioning horde

14. Dignity Away

15. Stupid Fucking Cunt Slims

November 8, 2007

I Have Made The Following Difficult Choices About How My Personal Data May Be Used By My Bank

Recently, I received in the post a pamphlet from my fiduciary institution of choice.

Actually, I received five of them. One for me and one for each of the not-me who live with me.

I read all five.

They were that well-written.

They sketched a harrowing landscape of thieves holding up banks all over our good Earth; not with guns, but with computers. Computers that shoot bullets, and computers that filch personal data from bank customer files and then use that information to create alternate versions of me that then take out alternate home loans and alternate credit cards to buy alternate homes and alternate life-like sex dolls that I swear I never would have bought with a credit card anyway.

Thankfully, my fiduciary institution of choice, which, for the sake of them being a bunch of overly-litigious tight-asses, shall remain nameless - as nameless as anything that rhymes with Hell's Cargo can remain - has given me choices of how they can use my information within their esteemed company.

Hereby, I make the following stipulations about how my bank (rhymes with Bell's Margo) may use my personal data inside their gold-plated walls:

1. Shirley, in accounts receivable, may never again, and I repeat, never again, perform a striptease using my social security number as the alternate lyrics to "Big Spender", even though it fits the rhythm. I thought it might turn me on and convince her to erase my overdraft charges, but it turns out it accomplished only half of those goals.

2. Gladys, in mortgages, may not use my full birth name as her password to her Danielle Steele fansite chatroom. I will accept spelling variations, but that's it.

3. Ricky, the Wednesday drive-through teller, may not use my county and state of birth as his personalized license plate; unless of course, he was also born there, or he buys a Jaguar.

4. Tom V., the security guard, may not be allowed to use my recent job history as the basis for his incendiary letters to the editor about the plight of the working man in contemporary America.

5. Michelle, in management, may use my credit score during luncheon meetings, but only if she makes air quotes with her fingers when "linking" the score to my name.

6. Pat, in customer service, may not use my work fax number unless sending me endlessly funny redneck joke lists.

7. Kyle, in accounts payable, may never learn my real middle name. We were separated at birth, and I'd like to keep it that way.

Well, that's as far as I go.

I hope this has given Smells Largo enough guidance to protect me from in-house misuse of my personal data. If not, I'm sure their lawyers will give me a call, asking for further direction.

November 7, 2007

The E-Mail about My Penis and Its Size

Under the tantalizing subject heading "sdioryht" (I had no idea that's how you spelled that), I received an electronically-couriered message this afternoon complete with a portal to a web site that offers, apparently for free, advice on how to, and I quote exactly here: "Permanently Enlarge Your cock At Home".

The reader may wonder at the wisdom of putting the word of most concern in only lowercase while capitalizing its sentence companions. I see their plan: By leaving "cock" literally smaller than its peers, it reminds you that your genitalia may also be of inferior size compared to the genitalia owned or rented by your friends.

Leaving aside typographical matters, note that this very short epistle offered many other sage bits of advice. To wit, those words were, and, again, I quote most definitively: "sdnofeid scotchif sea-holm sdrowssu".

Ahh, yes. Wise words. Wise words, indeed.

Now that I have been convinced of the efficacy of clicking on this portal, let me just say that it behooves one to contrast the merit of this message to those that propose to do otherwise.

For instance, I submit to you that it is far, far better to "Permanently Enlarge Your cock At Home" than to:

1. Temporarily Enlarge Your cock At Work

2. Permanently Ensnare Your cock At Home Or Work

3. Permanently Enlarge Someone Else's cock At Home

4. Permanently Enlarge Your Wife's vagina At Home

5. Mistakenly Enlist Your cock In The Army

6. Permanently Entomb Your cock At The Cemetary

7. Permanently Engrave Your cock At Your In-Law's House

8. Occasionally Entangle Your cock At Your Knitting

9. Temporarily Enbritish Your cock At The Weekend

10. Permanently Enlarge Your Wife's cock At Home

11. Permanently Enlarge Your heart At Home

12. Immediately Ensever Your cock Anywhere

13. Sporadically Enlarge Your cOcK At Home

November 1, 2007

I Play the Dozens and Fail Miserably

So, I thought I'd try to be a little more "urban". (Note to my faithful readers: when a white guy uses the word "urban", he means "black".) Having to use the word "urban" goes a long way toward explaining why I struggle so in my intramural Dozens league. Maybe one of you crackers could help a cracker out.

What follows is the text of my most recent attempt at decisive derisive victory. I have excerpted only my comments from the debate as I felt my opponent was hyperbolic, mean-spirited and evasive in his treatment of my momma's weight issues. While he made some good points, his words seemed designed only to hurt rather than to search for positive remedies for maternal obesity. Therefore, I refuse to reprint them here.

Yo' momma so fat, she is in grave danger of contracting adult-onset diabetes.

Yo' momma so fat, I believe it may become increasingly difficult for her to climb stairs.

Yo' momma so fat, this is perhaps due to various genetic factors and a sedentary lifestyle combined with unhealthy eating habits. A real triple-whammy.

Yo' momma so fat, people feel uncomfortable looking at her and consider her to be a lesser person even though body fat does not determine a person's true nature.

Yo' momma so fat, she can't see her toes... because her fat stomach gets in the way... and... ohh, I'm sorry. That was unnecessarily cruel, wasn't it? My sincerest apologies to both you and yo' momma.

Yo' momma so ugly, she won an ugly contest. Hmm? She... right, sorry... she was runner-up? Well then, I hereby retract my initial claim about... What's that? My momma came in first? Well, thank you for the good news, my friend. I must remember to congratulate my momma right away.

Yo' momma so fat, I really feel, despite your attempt to steer the conversation toward my momma's apparently award-winning ugliness, that we must concentrate on some effective strategy for decreasing yo' momma's weight problem. She is truly headed for a miserable future if she cannot manage to lessen her body-mass index considerably. I implore you to stop yo' pointless japery and take the matter to heart.

October 29, 2007

You Can't Spell 'Bible' Without 'L-I-E'

Even if you believe (again with the 'l-i-e' in there) the Bible, you have to agree the text contains far too many glaring factual inaccuracies, missteps, bobbles, evasions and outright lies, and far too few pictures of hot naked chicks.

I'll leave you to find your own pictures of hot naked chicks, but I thought I'd craft a list detailing just some of the misstatements in that sluggish tome.

1. Jesus may have indeed walked on water, but it was very thick water.

2. Technically, the disciples were less ideological adherents and more profit-sharing stockholders on the Jesus, Inc. Board of Directors. Their motivations were, and still remain, largely financial.

3. Field recordings from the time indicate that immediately before Jesus asked "My Father, why have you forsaken me?", he yelled skyward "Goddamnit! You said this wouldn't hurt a bit!"

4. Those same field recordings also note the surprise that onlookers expressed at someone speaking such clear English fully 1500 years before its development as a world language.

5. Jesus never said he was "the way, the truth and the life". He said he was "da way, da truth and da life, ya know?" He hung out with a lot of guys from Chicago.

6. The Israelites would not have had to wander in the desert for so many years if Moses hadn't been so fat and lazy.

7. Solomon was perhaps wise, but it is never mentioned in the Bible that everyone else at the time was horribly fucking stupid.

8. Jesus had a twin brother named Dwight who was also a carpenter. He was the East Central Promised Land regional leader of custom-made solutions for the crucifixion industry.

9. It's painfully obvious that the Bible is not the "word of God" as is so widely claimed. Leaving aside the basic textual inconsistencies that an omniscient being would never make, it's well known that God prefers to end most sentences with the tag phrase: "Boo-ya-ya dickweeds!"

October 16, 2007

What I Am Doing to Make This Blog More Sustainable

In honor of Blog Action Day (or BAD, as those of us in the inner circle call it) and its focus on the environment, I have decided to let my ample readership know that I am conscientiously taking steps on this blog to protect our environment.

For too long, I have typed away - oblivious to how my blog actions and inblog inactions have deleteriously effected our shared environment. No more.

Forthwith, I announce the following major measures for how I will save the environment with this blog.

1. All posts being typed with recycled, post-consumer data.

2. Purchasing my own environment that I don't have to share with anyone else.

3. Clearing old-growth tress now only to make laughing room for extremely funny jokes. No longer felling them to crush squirrels, even though they deserve it.

4. Reducingstoragespaceneededforpostsbyeliminating

5. Computer now powered by hamster wheel - a very, very big hamster wheel that I plug into the wall.

6. As can be seen by the surfeit of advertising here, I accept financial sponsorship from responsible corporate citizens only.

7. Receiving nearly ten percent of my ideas from the sun.

8. Reminding readers that they are bad, bad people who should kill themselves immediately to save natural resources.

9. Each post now only requires 1.5 cows to be slaughtered, down from a high of 1.9 per entry.

10. Reusing keystrokes from old posts.

11. Data now encoded with better-designed and aerodynamic zeros and ones for more energy efficient travel on both the information superhighway and the information city streets.

12. Using the word "sustainable" more often.

13. Ingesting 15% less pesticide before writing.

14. Central brain processing unit now powered exclusively by renewable, frothy grain alcohol.

October 12, 2007

The Food Critic Gets Personal

"What kind of vegetable prostrates itself all over a salad like that? Huh!? What kind?! You call yourself a cucumber; I call you a lousy whore."

"Yeah? I knew a Crème Brûlée like you once... you smell a good game, but deep down inside, you know you're just a mutherfuckin' Crème Brûlée, and that's all you'll ever be!"

"Hey, salmon mousse? Fuck you. That's right - you heard me."

"One day, raspberry scone. One day, I'll find you, and then we'll see who's crying."

"So, we're just supposed to bow or some shit because your 'Cornish'? Really? I thought you were Irish, 'cuz you look like a piece-o-shit little chicken to me."

"I don't care if you're good for me or not; if you make my piss smell funny again, I will beat your sorry green assparagus."

"Well, well, well. We meet again, ginger carrot soup. To the death!"

"Just leave, couscous, alright? Get out! Now!! I'm sick of your fucking lies!"

October 10, 2007

Why I Shouldn't Write Stories for Elementary School Kids

Be thankful I am not an author of books for elementary school kids. I would not be able to resist the temptation to write books with titles like this:

1. Little Ricky Poppendork and the Mysterious Leeches of Shit Island

2. How Do You Know That Your Mother Doesn't Try to Kill You While You're Asleep?

3. Detective Sam and the Case of the Well-Hung Stranger

4. Fourth-Grade Pimp and His Stable of Crazy-Ass Bitches

5. Alcohol Makes Everyone Like You

6. Beyond Pee: Other Things You Can Do With Your Penis

7. Pretty Horses Shouldn't Cross the Interstate

8. Show and Tell After Dark

9. Nine Easy Surgeries You Can Do Yourself

10. Homerun Hero: Freddy and the Magic Strength Pills

11. The Semiautomatic Handgun of Instant Respect

12. As Sexy as the TV Tells Me To Be

13. Tony Finds A Tongue

14. No One Can Laugh at You if They're on Fire

Please Don't Read This

You Fucker!

I requested politely that you not read this, but you did.

Now, it's gone. Gone! You scared my timid, delicate words away.

I'll never find them again.


Thanks a lot.

Now write: "I will not read secret messages that Brendon leaves on his blog ever again." Fifty times. No fair copying and pasting, asshole.

October 2, 2007

What You Can Still Do Indoors Besides Smoke

On October 1, 2007, the sad addicts (saddicts?) of Minnesota were kicked to the curb by a ruthless cabal of democratically-elected state "representatives" and "senators" whose new "law" requires that "smokers" not "light" up "inside" a "building". "This" "law" "means" a lot of demeaning "quote" marks can be "put" around "words" referencing the new "statute" to show our distaste "in" "its" purported legitimacy"." ("Quote" marks can help anyone win "a" policy debate, "just" don't "overuse" them. "Okay?")

Fear not, the authoritarian mandate of a select few can do nothing to retract so many of the other freedoms Minnesotans continue to practice with relish.

For those of you lacking in pickled condiments, what follows is a brief list detailing the myriad freedoms you may still exercise indoors.

You can't smoke, but you are still allowed to...

1. Vomit, provided you don't pollute the air with dangerous secondhand regurgitants.

2. Whisper, but not in a way that annoys others.

3. Eat Food. For instance, heat up a nice tobacco tube salad and consume it slowly through a series of steady inhalations. Yummy.

4. Snort Cocaine, crack smokers must take it outside - unless it's New! Improved! Smokeless Crack! (Ad slogan: "Smokeless Crack: Smoke More Crack")

5. Drink Chilled Bull Semen... you know... if, if that's... uhhh... your thing.

6. Smolder.

7. Have Sex With People, as long as neither one of you is smoking, or on fire, or even hot - in which case you should definitely keep it inside. No one wants to see that shit.

8. Watch Television. Go ahead! Try it! It's amazing! There are little people inside that box! Seriously, it's the total shit!

9. Hang Glide, just not very far.

10. Masturbate. Let's just keep the public sessions to under four per day, alright? I mean it. Let's not attract excessive regulatory attention by self-abusing the privilege. Got it?

11. Kill Pandas With A Fork. It is not expressly forbidden in the new law, but, you know, just because you can, doesn't mean you should. I'm just saying it is, apparently, still legal. Indoors.

October 1, 2007

The Entire Contents of Ronald Reagan's Recently Discovered Secret Presidential Diary

January 25, 1981:
Things are going well. At least, that's what they tell me.

March 18, 1981:
I had a scary dream. I dreamed that I missed nap time. Scared me so much I woke up from my nap.

June 8, 1981:
Was I really in a movie with a monkey?

September 12, 1981:
Purple is a nice color.

December 24, 1981:
Merry Christmas to me! I wonder what I'm going to get from Mommy. I hope she doesn't use the strong tape.

April 2, 1982:
Boring day today. I wish I had something to do. Everyone tells me that I'm just fine. I'm supposed to sit and smile, I guess.

July 11, 1982:
Went to a horsey show! There were a lot of them everywhere.

September 2, 1982:

May 22, 1984:
Oops! Sorry diary. I lost you under my desk. I hope we can get back to regular writing sessions together.

October 13, 1984:

August 1, 1985:
Purple tastes funny.

January 29, 1986:
Sold some "kitchen appliances" to some nice Persian gentlemen. Got a really good price for them, so I'm told. I wish there were someone to give all this money to.

November 9, 1986:
Really? A monkey? More than one film?

December 13, 1986:
I don't recall.

January 31, 1987:
I like feeding ducks.

March 2, 1987:
I don't remember.

July 9, 1987:
Ask Mommy: Do I even like monkeys?

October 14, 1987:
Well. Well.

November 12, 1987:
I am purple.

February 4, 1988:
America is a great country. That's what they tell me.

April 21, 1988:
I forget.

Purple Monkey Day, 1988:
Everywhere. Get them off of me!

January Something, Something:
I. Monkey. Time to go. Mommy tells me the Jell-o is sharp. Beware. Hello, purple.

September 27, 2007

Here's What Is Really Behind the Power Struggle in Northfield's City Hall

Recently, in Northfield, Minnesota, the city government has all but shoved its collective head up its collective asshole.

The consensus appears to be that a power struggle between the mayor and city administrator has morphed city priorities from vaguely self-aggrandizing back-patting to blatantly self-aggrandizing bitch-slapping.

To the common man, the power struggle seems to originate in the administrator's gentlemanly rebuff of the mayor's polite request to consider relocating a municipal liquor store on land that, as a mere coincidence, the mayor owns.
I am not a common man, however.

I would guess that the liquor store kerfuffle is only the safest issue that can be presented to the public. There are deeper divisions at play.

Indeed, I smell a rat.

A stinky rat on a horse of a different color marching to a different drummer past a little match girl freezing in the street who has nothing whatsoever to do with this metaphor.

Some other disputes have forced this hapless grappling on the citizen-victims of Northfield.

So what is really behind the power struggle among Northfield's leaders? My extensive, pretend research has uncovered these disturbing facts.

1. The "Tie Incident". On the cold morning of January 18, 2007, both the mayor and city administrator arrived at work to find, much to their great embarrassment, that they were wearing identical ties. This fashion faux pas was even more noticeable given the fact that both men were wearing nothing else; so the tie was one thing that really stood out on each of them.

2. Drapes. The color, pattern, length, opacity, fabric... so many options, so much for city officials to choose from. Disputes on finding exactly the right draperies for government offices have brought down governments and monarchies with bitter partisan rancor and infighting for millennia. Northfield appears to be yet another sorry casualty.

3. The Erasers. The mayor always gets to clean the erasers after planning meetings. A peculiarity of the "strong mayor" model of city governance, this has irked city administrators for many years, made especially worse by the mayor's increased taunting of others while executing this duty. He loudly chants in time with the clapping of the erasers: "I'mmmm... Cleeee... Ninnnng... Theee... Eeee... Rayyy... Serssss... And... Youuu... Don't... Get... Toooooo...." (repeat often)

4. The New Girl. She's cute. Really cute. Who will get her attention the most? Who will win her affection? Whose ordinances will she most admire? Who gets to sit next to her during meetings? Once again, it seems a rock-solid friendship has been rent asunder by competing for the attentions of a pretty lass.

5. The Monkey. The mayor objected to the administrator's habit of bringing his primate pal, Captain ZiZi, into the office to start each work week. The administrator insisted that "Monkey Mondays" stimulate employee morale and productivity; the mayor countered that they only stimulate the presence of monkey shit on his shoes. The mayor's unilateral move to force through a measure against tropical pets in city buildings has, understandably, been taken as a personal attack by the administrator and Captain ZiZi, who, as of press time, is reportedly storing up a sizable "revenge stool" in his lower colon.

6. Deep-Seated Philosophical Differences. For example, the city administrator always suggests massage circles as a way to resolve conflict; the mayor believes massage should only be used as an ice-breaker. The stand-off lingers.

7. Consultant Reports. Should they be spiral-bound or merely three-hole punched and stapled? Think about it: Spiral-bound? Three-hole punched? Is there a compromise? How do you repair the wounds of time? Needless to say, this will take a long while to work out.

8. Bowling Match, March 14, 2007. What was originally intended as a good-natured outing to help the two feuding leaders connect in a non-threatening way outside of work quickly disintegrated into an ascending series of accusations about whose toe went over the line and when. Despite attending staffers resolving the issue by arranging for a consensual tie with matching scores of a "Gentleman's 301", the end result felt hollow. Tensions have remained very high ever since.

9. Pact with Satan. Apparently, they should not have entered into this arrangement without first consulting outside counsel. Turns out, there was a downside in the fine print that neither man read.

10. Linguistic / Viral Difficulties. The administrator has questioned the mayor's truthfulness concerning his health. The mayor claims he has been suffering from a bad cold for months; the administrator wonders why the cold only manifests itself whenever the administrator is addressing the city council. The administrator further wonders why the "bad cold" only ever manifests itself as sneezing and coughing which sounds suspiciously like someone saying "bullshit" in a disguised manner. The mayor insists the administrator is paranoid, and counters that he could be innocently saying "push it" as he sneezes or coughs.

11. Pissing Contest. During this April's "Piss-Off 2007", the mayor accused the administrator of using a patsy in the city's engineering department to manipulate the ventilation system in the men's room when it was the administrator's turn, thereby allowing the administrator's urine to travel further than the mayor's had, and handing the administrator the victory. The allegation is hotly denied. They mayor has taken his case to court. The fate of the Golden Specimen Cup 2007 hangs in legal limbo.