March 11, 2008

Findings Published in the March Issue of the Society of Irrelevant Correlations

In this March's SIC! Groundbreaking research results released to the public for the first time! Like this:

- Left-handed women are more likely to be mothers, aunts than left-handed men.

- Ice cream vendors are significantly more likely to get speeding tickets than ice creams are.

- Black dogs are extremely more prone to being a dog than black cats are.

- Naked women and men much more likely to be engaged in bathing or sex than statues of naked women or men.

- Flooding frequently linked to water.

- People encased in boxes several feet underground much more likely to be dead than playing cribbage.

- Total horseradish consumption increases for every person added to the horseradish consumption study.

- Sunlight found to be significantly correlated to morning and night.

- Cow go moo.

March 3, 2008

Why Is My Child Crying?

1. You did peel off the duct tape/crazy glue full-face gag awfully fast.

2. Probably hungry again, even though you just fed him last summer.

3. You have been somewhat unprofessional in your attempts to remove her larynx.

4. You are his parent.

5. Pushed the wrong button on Daddy's table saw toy.

6. Lacking in proper boundaries since you removed her from the closet.

7. Inflation for the fourth quarter was slightly higher than he would normally like to see.

8. She's ugly and no one likes her, and you keep reminding her of that.

9. He is constantly and mercilessly bullied in his one-student homeschool classroom.

10. Unwisely mixed NyQuil and Bjork.

11. Her Ferrari has a flat; relegated to driving the Porsche.

12. He's allergic to force-fed broccoli.

13. Jesus wants her dead.

14. He's "on fire" or something "burns real bad" or "dear God, my eye" or blah blah blah... Kids.

15. Home abortion kit did not work as pleasantly as advertised.

Severe depression with crippling social anxiety and a minor case of rabies.

17. He just found out what an automatic pencil sharpener is not for.