September 21, 2008

Brendon Etter Finds the Blame and Gets Back in the Game

I'm back.

It has been a long struggle these past four weeks. Because I had drifted apart from that which I love - myself, myself becoming the Mayor - it seemed like even longer. Four weeks... and a day... maybe.

Let's not focus on the details.

At times, I thought I would never get back to campaigning. I'd look around me, at all I had to do to pull this community out of its shitbox of corruption, and I'd cry.

Why!? Why!? I'd scream to the sky. Why have I been cursed with this unending hope and ability and sexiness, with these essential qualities of hopeful and effective and sexy leadership?!

(I actually wouldn't scream that last part to the sky. That would be a lot of screaming. Mostly, I'd just scream "why" at the sky, then think the rest toward the sky, loudly.)

No one ever gave me an answer.

Finally, one night, I realized that all candidates go through this phase of doubt and worry. I realized that it was natural, and, moreover, I realized it wasn't my fault!

It's Britt Ackerman's, LLC, MFP, ODB, fault.

She's my campaign manager, but I don't see any yard signs up around town. No debates being arranged. No supportive letters to the editor in the local paper. No fatted swine being spit-roasted over aged hickory fires. No cocaine-fueled raves with topless supermodels for me to deny participating in.

I mean, what does she do all day, this campaign manager of mine?

What am I not paying her for?

Sure, she's a "lawyer" and an "underwater munitions expert" and an "itinerant sex therapist" and a "friend to walruses everywhere", but where has she been in this campaign?

And why does she always smell like yogurt?

We may never know.

I do know this - the mayoral campaign is down to three contestants now: me and the two eventual losers.

Will Britt Ackerman be able to rally her walrus legions to my side? What of the poor men who can no longer rise to the occasion on their own, will Britt be able to pull them out? Will Britt blow up the bridge in time to save the town from less-qualified, less-sultry politicians? Will she lawyer something?

Only time will tell, but I can tell you that I feel better having named it and blamed it.

Now let's get out there and run a respectable, responsible campaign for me, Britt; I'm kinda busy with other things.