May 26, 2014

A Little More Than "Two Kinds Of People"

There are two kinds of people in this world, decisive and ... wait, no ...

There are two kinds of people in this world, that one guy named Stuart and everyone else.

There are two kinds of people in this world, dead and those closer to dead than they were at the start of this sentence.

There are three kinds of proper English conjunctions in this world, but and and and or.

There are kinds of two people in this world, pairs.

There are three kinds of people in this world, one, two, and three, but one doesn't know about three who is also sleeping with two; so don't tell him this joke because there are only two kinds of people in his world, and it's probably better for all concerned.

There are two kinds of people in this world, you and the you you don't want to believe you have become.

There are two kinds of people in this world, gullible people and people who stupidly believe there are only two kinds of people in this world.

There are two kinds of people in this world, people who can tell a joke and jokes.

There are two kinds of people in this world, people looking for aliens, aliens, and people not looking for aliens.

There are two kinds of people in this world, one or the other.

There are two kinds of two kinds of people in this world, compared and contrasted.

There are two kinds of people in this world, the kid who embarrassed you in front of the whole school in the lunchroom on that lonely January day so long ago, and the people who you haven't since stabbed to death.

There are two kinds of people in this world, absolutists and people who aren't trying to control you.

There are two kinds of people in this world, for now.  For ....... now.

There are two kinds of people in this world, the person reading these words right now and you.

There are two kinds of people in this world, but you wouldn't know that from looking at the millions of kinds of people there are in this world.

There is one kind of people in this world, people and trees.

May 16, 2014

Traffic Laws and Driving Protocol

If four vehicles arrive at a four-way stop at exactly the same time, all drivers must immediately exit their vehicles and discuss how cool it was.

Pedestrians are hostile. Curse at them proactively.

Passing another vehicle on a sharp curve of two-lane road is extremely dangerous and, therefore, illegal. Don't be a pussy. Go for it.

All grocery purchases must be secured with a seat belt. Each watermelon must have its own booster seat and name.

Until your income reaches certain heights, drunk driving is illegal.

All motorcyclists must wear a helmet.  Bad motorcyclists must wear two.

When poor traction causes you to lose control of your vehicle, swear into the skid.

To improve visibility during adverse weather conditions, drive in your garage only.

When stopped by a police officer, exit your vehicle quickly and sprint toward the police car so the officer doesn't have to walk so far to give you a ticket.

Speed limits are very pessimistic.  Most modern vehicles have limits that easily surpass them.

When driving by a school or other area where children are gathered, lessen the chance of an accident by slowing to three miles per hour, rolling down your window and whistling a non-threatening tune at them.

Left turns on red are legal if only you believe!

To help other drivers see you, drive as close to them as possible.

Passengers are allowed one free vroom-vroom noise per trip.

May 7, 2014

Hummingbird Facts You Never Should Learn

1. All named Duncan.
2. A hummingbird flaps its wings in North Carolina, and a child dies in brutal poverty in Rio. The hummingbird doesn't even care about it.
3. Despite their name, they prefer hip-hop.
4. Do not actively support marriage equality.
5. Due to poor cooking skills, it takes at least eight of them to make a decent omelet.
6. Very shy about buying condoms.
7. Because they are lazy and out of shape, their hearts beat twenty times a second.
8. Have been known to bogart the nectar.
9. Fart way more than is proper.
10. Neither float like a butterfly nor sting like a bee despite pretending to be both.
11. Unwilling to respect some Supreme Court precedents.
12. Shot a man in Reno.

May 1, 2014

Life Hacks


Brendon addresses everyday problems with solutions so simple, intuitive, and absolutely necessary that you will gawp in awe at the feeble nature of your brain.

PROBLEM? Bananas are too hard to open
LIFE HACK! Using a spirit medium, contact the ghost of America's 11th President, James K. Polk

PROBLEM? Loose change weighs down your purse, wallet or pockets
LIFE HACK! Pretend you're stronger

PROBLEM? Sloppy toothpaste tubes
LIFE HACK! Remove your teeth

PROBLEM? The alphabet
LIFE HACK! Only use the easy letters

PROBLEM? Shoelaces break too often
LIFE HACK! Using a fax machine, contact James K. Polk (1-866-POLKSTA)

PROBLEM? Millions of hovering snakes with guns
LIFE HACK! Diplomacy

PROBLEM? Paper clips of different sizes intermingled in a single tray
LIFE HACK! Desk camera surveillance system to monitor for agitators

PROBLEM? Self-confidence
LIFE HACK! Rubber bands, rubber bands, rubber bands!

PROBLEM? Tomato sauce stains on your white shirt
LIFE HACK! Not caring

PROBLEM? Out of question marks
LIFE HACK! Punch an exclamation point in the gut

PROBLEM? Failing to crack the pop music charts
LIFE HACK! Polk again

PROBLEM? Many cords tangled together
LIFE HACK! Denial. Escape.

PROBLEM? Final dregs of mayonnaise hard to get out of the jar
LIFE HACK! Set up a top-notch exploratory committee to draft a resolution

LIFE HACK! Me or someone else, but probably me

PROBLEM? Matching socks after you take them out of the dryer
LIFE HACK! Encoded serial numbers on the toes read by optical scanner or your sudden death