June 15, 2007

New Features of Internet7

Dateline: Futuredays. The internet is now in a 7th version. The cool people say "v7.0"; the really cool people say "version septieme." What can this new edition of the internet do for you?

1. Now also dispenses crushed ice, no longer restricted to Internet6's tyranny of ice cubes only.

2. Many sites also act as an effective anti-perspirant. Simply rub the website under your arm in the morning for long-lasting personal odor protection.

3. Will start your car on cold mornings.

4. Will steal your car on other mornings.

5. Full-body X-rays, whether you want them or not (Macintosh iRadiology computers only).

6. Pictures of naked people.

7. Barbecue sites have their own grills for frying up your tasty sirloins.

8. More online restroom facilities.

9. Allows for transmission of written communications called "intertelelectrograms" between two or more people.

10. Virtual virtuality.

11. Extremely cool sites will effectively air condition your home or office.

12. Fetuses can now comfortably gestate online, away from cramped and inefficient wombs.

13. Illegal downloaders immediately placed under homepage arrest.

14. Prechews your tougher foods for you.

15. Finally rids you of the burden of voting by selecting world leaders in one-thousandth the time it took people to make up their minds.

16. Brushes and flosses so you don't have to.

17. Digitally wipes your ass.


Anonymous said...

Please tell me where I can find these home-cooling sites. I live on the fourth floor with huge east-facing windows and no air conditioning. My cats are panting.

Jessica said...

Let's bury these predictions in a time capsule somewhere. Possibly in Elizabeth's fourth-floor sauna.

Brendon Etter said...

Elizabeth, east-facing windows are better than west-facing in terms of heat, and I'd try some light-blocking "thermal" blinds - keep out a lot of heat plus light in those morning hours, and will help retain heat on those winter afternoons and long evenings.

Jessica, I buried these online under a huge mound of "dirtual" reality.