December 23, 2008

Great Gifts for Stupid Christmas That My Stupid Parents or Stupid Santa Never Gave Me

I was a very good kid. I rarely got in trouble. Straight A's. No drugs ingested or dealt. Clean room. Meticulous mower of lawns. Student leader. Athlete. Awkward enough to keep the dangerous girls away.

Yet, I never got these items that were on my wish list for stupid Christmas nearly every stupid year.

Why? What more did I need to do?

Stupid parents.

Stupid Santa.

Why so stupid?

Here's a compilation of awesome gifts unsent, unreceived, un-unwrapped over the years.

1. A bee who didn't play by the book, or the rules, or the rules in the book and solved crimes his own way (Bonus: One week from retirement)

2. Tickle-Me-Adolf (Bonus: Beachwear limited edition)

3. Saliva in party flavors (Bonus: Daisy Duke-endorsed)

4. A rookie bee who did everything by the book to be paired with #1. (Bonus: Crisp suit and tie)

5. iwillsurvivePod (Bonus: 1979 version, about 22 years before it hit the market. It came with both of Gloria Gaynor's hits and a touch disco ball interface.)

6. The rotting entrails of my vanquished foe (Bonus: Mysterious third kidney)

7. Blissful contentment (Bonus: Trial pack of contentful blissment)

8. Horsey! (Bonus: Horsie! Bonus-Bonus: Whorsey! (Actually the same horse in a miniskirt and highhoof shoes))

9. Some of Canada (Bonus: Timber rights)

10. Perfect understanding of the vagaries of the human condition (Bonus: Came with Space Invaders)

11. Bonuses (Bonus: Bonus)

12. A bee who didn't give a damn about you or your town - a bee who was beyond and above the law (Bonus: Tiny pack of cigs rolled in his sleeve)

December 15, 2008

Why Brendon Etter Is Only Able To Listen To The Hold Steady

Medical science has offered no definitive reason, though I paid the bastards enough (grrr sound, grrr sound), but I will venture a few guesses as to why I cannot stop listening to The Hold Steady.

1. The Hold Steady have laced their music with "eargluons" - subatomic music particles emitted from speakers which stick to your auditory passages and itch like hell unless vibrated at precisely the correct holdsteady frequency.

2. Nothing else to do because my friends are all dying or already dead.

3. Makes me feel good about my awkward physicality to listen to a band whose members are all uniformly uglier than me.

4. I'm trying to make The White Stripes jealous so Jack and Meg will play my birthday party.

5. Desperately hoping they'll eventually cover that awesome "Christmas Shoes" song.

6. I got bored when I didn't have a band, and I still don't, so I listen to one instead. It helps a little - now I'm bored but happy.

7. Presently unaware that any other music has ever been crafted by the human species.

8. I'm too jittery. Need constant exposure to learn how to Hold Steady.

9. I'm sure, like everything else in the Minneapolis / St. Paul metropolitan area, I get my name dropped in at least one of their songs. Must keep listening to hear it.

10. Also the name of my favorite hairspray.

11. Makes me think of beef jerky and cocaine. I love beef jerky and cocaine!

December 7, 2008

Some Excuses I Am Allowing You To Use For Free The Next Time You Are Stopped By The Cops

You may use any of the following excuses during your next traffic stop without having to pay me any royalties. I offer these as a free public service.

1. "You don't understand, officer, the ghost of President Gerald Ford was standing in the middle of the road. He was holding a balloon and wearing a grass skirt, but he did not look happy."

2. "Do you mean to tell me I violated a law that was written almost five years ago? Surely, it's past its freshness date and is, therefore, invalid."

3. "I was under the impression that the road was more of a suggestion - one of many possible routes to use when driving past the elementary school."

4. "Certainly, I never would have driven like that had I known you might take offense."

5. "It seems that you have singled me out among so many drivers with the obvious intention of not telling me I've won a sweepstakes of some kind, and I'm just supposed to believe you are not being prejudiced against me?"

6. "Nice tits, sir."

7. "None of my surviving passengers seem to be complaining, officer."

8. "I do want to 'step out the car', as you say, sir, but I'm afraid that the instantaneous, magnetic attraction between the two of us will make stopping at just that one step toward you nearly impossible."

9. "Yes, Scientology will work wonders for you too. Would you like a brochure?"

10. "Do you have any idea how fast you were following me?"

11. "I'm extremely wealthy."

12. "Seriously, there are so very, very many laws. I find it hard to follow them all. Don't you?"

13. "I will agree that I appear to have committed an infraction, and I will even agree to being ticketed, but only if you'll help me get rid of this awful "decomposing-corpse-in-my-trunk" smell that's been stinking up my car ever since I picked up that hitchhiker outside my brothel - meth lab - weapons repository compound a few weeks ago."

14. "Thank God you stopped me, officer, now I have time to change my diaper."

15. "Is it a ticket you want to give me, or is it a hug?"

16. "Flying hippo! Duck!"

December 4, 2008

If I Were Naming The St. Olaf Christmas Festival

One of the more Christianesque colleges in my town, puts on a big whopping Christmas concert every year. So many people want to see it that, invariably, dozens of eager prospective audience members are trampled to death by even more eager prospective audience members in the crush for tickets.

Joke's on the squished and the squishers though. Turns out, even if you do manage to get in to see this fabled concert, you only get to hear church music!


The very thing they spent most of their childhoods trying so hard to avoid has turned around and pulled them in with a quickness and a sickness. To wit, three-plus hours of slowly-modulating dirges blur forward with nary a kick-drum flourish or guitar solo. The year I saw this massive mass, security dragged me from my seat when I threw my underwear onto the conductor's dais.

I'm not bitter about it though. It was the only sound strategy I could devise to get past the entranced throngs and out the door, and it was all of my underwear - even the old pairs I use to polish furniture. Also, I did have a sneaking suspicion that raising my lighter and shouting for "Radar Love" might have irked some.

You'd think everyone would figure out what they will be subjected to by the concert titles. Here's a sampling of the high-minded appelations of some recent shows:

Love Divine, Illumine Our Darkness
O Come To Us Abide With Us Our Lord Immanuel
Where Peace and Love and Hope Abide
Dawn of Redeeming Grace

All this abiding and luminescence stimulated some thought that this show might draw in more unsuspecting attendees if they were a little more circumspect in their naming. Why not try these concert titles on for size?

1. Bring It / Sing It!
2. The Lowercase T Chronicles
The Larynx Strikes Back
4. Chorgasm
5. One Gym Tour '09
6. Topless 'n Bottomless - No Soprano, No Bass
7. Diaphragmorama
Jesus! H! Christ!
9. Kickin' It Old Old Old Old Old Old School
10. Crushing Melody
11. A Warhol Film For Voice
12. Naptime For Grandpa
13. The Flavorless Desolation Of Divine Love
14. Off With Their Robes!
15. Once More Without Feeling
16. Saw V: The Concert