November 19, 2008

If The Meek Shall Inherit The Earth, What About The Rest Of Us?

In the fine print of Jesus's Sermon on the Mount, the following stipulations were found that clarify who gets what in the world. This is seen by historians and actual people as important for some unknown reason, most likely because it's coming from Jesus or his team of strategists or his lawyers - presumably his contract law subcommittee.

Anyway, I reprint it here to help you understand what you stand to gain. When you stand to gain it, however, remains, at present, an unresolved issue between you and Jesus's attorneys.

1. The Audacious get Uranus.
2. The Sleepless get Waffles.
3. The Fervent get High Humidity.
4. The Fallow get Hungry.
5. The Procrastinators get some Detroit suburbs.
6. The Lonely get Annoying Poetry.
7. The Trenchant get Irony.
8. The Portly get Clown Make Up.
9. The Stupid get Nothing.
10. The Ridiculous get Lots Of Socks.
11. The Button-Nosed get Unguents.
12. The Isolated get The Power To Bend Syrup.
13. The Undead get A Li'l Bit Funky.

November 6, 2008


What Would Jesus Do Over?

1. His latest strawberry flan - tasted "plasticy"

2. Cross dismount - was not able to stick the landing like he knows he can

3. Love - pretty sure he's missing something in the formula

4. Walking on water - felt too show-offish

5. Myrrh addiction - should have recognized the symptoms at an early age

6. The Golden Rule - add an "especially if you claim to be one of my followers" clarification

7. Frat selection - could've been in DPK if he'd let up on the "covetousness" moralizing

8. Changing water to wine - you think he'd have learned from the myrrh problems

9. Christianity - in need of an escape clause