June 22, 2007

Some Suggested New Rules for Baseball

1. Batters get four strikes, but pitchers get a second ball.

2. Last twenty feet of baseline before each base covered with an operational Slip-n-Slide.

3. Runners who successfully steal a base no longer subject to felony theft charges.

4. Beer vendors allowed on field during game; players get voucher for one free bottle per inning.

5. Warning track must be made out of Flubber.

6. Pop flies subject to remote control by instantaneous majority of fans.

7. Second, deeper-outfield fence for special 3-point home run.

8. Each team allowed to place one invisible space-time wormhole anywhere on playing surface.

9. Mandated synchronized crotch scratching before each pitch.

10. Players who collect at least four hits in a game may then execute their special Power-Up move, except, of course, up-up-down-down-left-right-left-right-B-A-start.

11. If hit by a pitch, pitcher must remove glove and attempt to dodge one free throw from batter.

12. Players are each allowed one "do-over" per game.

13. By pre-game agreement of both teams, one inning per game may be played on horseback.

14. If ejected from game, managers are then allowed to kick dirt on three-umpire appeals court.


ShOI said...

15. To save time, double the number of players playing at any given time. Two pitchers on the mound pitching two balls to two batters in front of two catchers, two basemen at each base, etc. The game is over in 4 1/2 innings.

Brendon Etter said...

Yeah, and we could also...

16. Bases would make pleasing tones and light up when touched by runner, helping umpires make those close calls, especially at first base.

Deeb said...

You know the Konami code! My sour, wrinkled heart is momentarily warmed, as it always is by your blog. I'm just compelled to comment about this warming.

Brendon Etter said...


I didn't know it accurately, I had thought it was "up-down-up-down-l-r-l-r-B-A-start"...

Jacob agreed, but we looked it up to make sure and were both corrected.


Deeb said...

Oh well, 'tis the thought that counts. Also, in Gradius III, inputting the original code will result in a violent self-destruction and loss of life, whereas substituting L-R-L-R for left-right-left-right makes you win. That might have been what you were thinking.