October 29, 2007

You Can't Spell 'Bible' Without 'L-I-E'

Even if you believe (again with the 'l-i-e' in there) the Bible, you have to agree the text contains far too many glaring factual inaccuracies, missteps, bobbles, evasions and outright lies, and far too few pictures of hot naked chicks.

I'll leave you to find your own pictures of hot naked chicks, but I thought I'd craft a list detailing just some of the misstatements in that sluggish tome.

1. Jesus may have indeed walked on water, but it was very thick water.

2. Technically, the disciples were less ideological adherents and more profit-sharing stockholders on the Jesus, Inc. Board of Directors. Their motivations were, and still remain, largely financial.

3. Field recordings from the time indicate that immediately before Jesus asked "My Father, why have you forsaken me?", he yelled skyward "Goddamnit! You said this wouldn't hurt a bit!"

4. Those same field recordings also note the surprise that onlookers expressed at someone speaking such clear English fully 1500 years before its development as a world language.

5. Jesus never said he was "the way, the truth and the life". He said he was "da way, da truth and da life, ya know?" He hung out with a lot of guys from Chicago.

6. The Israelites would not have had to wander in the desert for so many years if Moses hadn't been so fat and lazy.

7. Solomon was perhaps wise, but it is never mentioned in the Bible that everyone else at the time was horribly fucking stupid.

8. Jesus had a twin brother named Dwight who was also a carpenter. He was the East Central Promised Land regional leader of custom-made solutions for the crucifixion industry.

9. It's painfully obvious that the Bible is not the "word of God" as is so widely claimed. Leaving aside the basic textual inconsistencies that an omniscient being would never make, it's well known that God prefers to end most sentences with the tag phrase: "Boo-ya-ya dickweeds!"

October 16, 2007

What I Am Doing to Make This Blog More Sustainable

In honor of Blog Action Day (or BAD, as those of us in the inner circle call it) and its focus on the environment, I have decided to let my ample readership know that I am conscientiously taking steps on this blog to protect our environment.

For too long, I have typed away - oblivious to how my blog actions and inblog inactions have deleteriously effected our shared environment. No more.

Forthwith, I announce the following major measures for how I will save the environment with this blog.

1. All posts being typed with recycled, post-consumer data.

2. Purchasing my own environment that I don't have to share with anyone else.

3. Clearing old-growth tress now only to make laughing room for extremely funny jokes. No longer felling them to crush squirrels, even though they deserve it.

4. Reducingstoragespaceneededforpostsbyeliminating

5. Computer now powered by hamster wheel - a very, very big hamster wheel that I plug into the wall.

6. As can be seen by the surfeit of advertising here, I accept financial sponsorship from responsible corporate citizens only.

7. Receiving nearly ten percent of my ideas from the sun.

8. Reminding readers that they are bad, bad people who should kill themselves immediately to save natural resources.

9. Each post now only requires 1.5 cows to be slaughtered, down from a high of 1.9 per entry.

10. Reusing keystrokes from old posts.

11. Data now encoded with better-designed and aerodynamic zeros and ones for more energy efficient travel on both the information superhighway and the information city streets.

12. Using the word "sustainable" more often.

13. Ingesting 15% less pesticide before writing.

14. Central brain processing unit now powered exclusively by renewable, frothy grain alcohol.

October 12, 2007

The Food Critic Gets Personal

"What kind of vegetable prostrates itself all over a salad like that? Huh!? What kind?! You call yourself a cucumber; I call you a lousy whore."

"Yeah? I knew a Crème Brûlée like you once... you smell a good game, but deep down inside, you know you're just a mutherfuckin' Crème Brûlée, and that's all you'll ever be!"

"Hey, salmon mousse? Fuck you. That's right - you heard me."

"One day, raspberry scone. One day, I'll find you, and then we'll see who's crying."

"So, we're just supposed to bow or some shit because your 'Cornish'? Really? I thought you were Irish, 'cuz you look like a piece-o-shit little chicken to me."

"I don't care if you're good for me or not; if you make my piss smell funny again, I will beat your sorry green assparagus."

"Well, well, well. We meet again, ginger carrot soup. To the death!"

"Just leave, couscous, alright? Get out! Now!! I'm sick of your fucking lies!"

October 10, 2007

Why I Shouldn't Write Stories for Elementary School Kids

Be thankful I am not an author of books for elementary school kids. I would not be able to resist the temptation to write books with titles like this:

1. Little Ricky Poppendork and the Mysterious Leeches of Shit Island

2. How Do You Know That Your Mother Doesn't Try to Kill You While You're Asleep?

3. Detective Sam and the Case of the Well-Hung Stranger

4. Fourth-Grade Pimp and His Stable of Crazy-Ass Bitches

5. Alcohol Makes Everyone Like You

6. Beyond Pee: Other Things You Can Do With Your Penis

7. Pretty Horses Shouldn't Cross the Interstate

8. Show and Tell After Dark

9. Nine Easy Surgeries You Can Do Yourself

10. Homerun Hero: Freddy and the Magic Strength Pills

11. The Semiautomatic Handgun of Instant Respect

12. As Sexy as the TV Tells Me To Be

13. Tony Finds A Tongue

14. No One Can Laugh at You if They're on Fire

Please Don't Read This

You Fucker!

I requested politely that you not read this, but you did.

Now, it's gone. Gone! You scared my timid, delicate words away.

I'll never find them again.


Thanks a lot.

Now write: "I will not read secret messages that Brendon leaves on his blog ever again." Fifty times. No fair copying and pasting, asshole.

October 2, 2007

What You Can Still Do Indoors Besides Smoke

On October 1, 2007, the sad addicts (saddicts?) of Minnesota were kicked to the curb by a ruthless cabal of democratically-elected state "representatives" and "senators" whose new "law" requires that "smokers" not "light" up "inside" a "building". "This" "law" "means" a lot of demeaning "quote" marks can be "put" around "words" referencing the new "statute" to show our distaste "in" "its" purported legitimacy"." ("Quote" marks can help anyone win "a" policy debate, "just" don't "overuse" them. "Okay?")

Fear not, the authoritarian mandate of a select few can do nothing to retract so many of the other freedoms Minnesotans continue to practice with relish.

For those of you lacking in pickled condiments, what follows is a brief list detailing the myriad freedoms you may still exercise indoors.

You can't smoke, but you are still allowed to...

1. Vomit, provided you don't pollute the air with dangerous secondhand regurgitants.

2. Whisper, but not in a way that annoys others.

3. Eat Food. For instance, heat up a nice tobacco tube salad and consume it slowly through a series of steady inhalations. Yummy.

4. Snort Cocaine, crack smokers must take it outside - unless it's New! Improved! Smokeless Crack! (Ad slogan: "Smokeless Crack: Smoke More Crack")

5. Drink Chilled Bull Semen... you know... if, if that's... uhhh... your thing.

6. Smolder.

7. Have Sex With People, as long as neither one of you is smoking, or on fire, or even hot - in which case you should definitely keep it inside. No one wants to see that shit.

8. Watch Television. Go ahead! Try it! It's amazing! There are little people inside that box! Seriously, it's the total shit!

9. Hang Glide, just not very far.

10. Masturbate. Let's just keep the public sessions to under four per day, alright? I mean it. Let's not attract excessive regulatory attention by self-abusing the privilege. Got it?

11. Kill Pandas With A Fork. It is not expressly forbidden in the new law, but, you know, just because you can, doesn't mean you should. I'm just saying it is, apparently, still legal. Indoors.

October 1, 2007

The Entire Contents of Ronald Reagan's Recently Discovered Secret Presidential Diary

January 25, 1981:
Things are going well. At least, that's what they tell me.

March 18, 1981:
I had a scary dream. I dreamed that I missed nap time. Scared me so much I woke up from my nap.

June 8, 1981:
Was I really in a movie with a monkey?

September 12, 1981:
Purple is a nice color.

December 24, 1981:
Merry Christmas to me! I wonder what I'm going to get from Mommy. I hope she doesn't use the strong tape.

April 2, 1982:
Boring day today. I wish I had something to do. Everyone tells me that I'm just fine. I'm supposed to sit and smile, I guess.

July 11, 1982:
Went to a horsey show! There were a lot of them everywhere.

September 2, 1982:

May 22, 1984:
Oops! Sorry diary. I lost you under my desk. I hope we can get back to regular writing sessions together.

October 13, 1984:

August 1, 1985:
Purple tastes funny.

January 29, 1986:
Sold some "kitchen appliances" to some nice Persian gentlemen. Got a really good price for them, so I'm told. I wish there were someone to give all this money to.

November 9, 1986:
Really? A monkey? More than one film?

December 13, 1986:
I don't recall.

January 31, 1987:
I like feeding ducks.

March 2, 1987:
I don't remember.

July 9, 1987:
Ask Mommy: Do I even like monkeys?

October 14, 1987:
Well. Well.

November 12, 1987:
I am purple.

February 4, 1988:
America is a great country. That's what they tell me.

April 21, 1988:
I forget.

Purple Monkey Day, 1988:
Everywhere. Get them off of me!

January Something, Something:
I. Monkey. Time to go. Mommy tells me the Jell-o is sharp. Beware. Hello, purple.