July 31, 2007

Why You Can't See Me

1. I'm behind you, and you have virtually no hindsight.

2. I am right in front of you, but you're clueless.

3. I'm on the outside of a computer typing this and you're on the outside of a different computer reading it after it has been typed, but if you had read it sooner than you probably could have seen me.

4. I go about my daily life surrounded by one-way mirrors.

5. I am time.

6. You do not have a valid ticket for admission.

7. I am the plot of a Broadway musical.

8. Because you're an ass. Asses have no eyes.

9. I am your path to success, but you have no strategic vision.

10. I'm holding your still-warm eyeballs in my right hand, and all you can do is scream and complain.

11. I am your fatal flaw, and you're in denial.

12. I am metaphorical, and you lack abstract reason.

13. I've recently come down with a severe case of invisibility.

14. I am the best idea you never had.

A Letter of Concern Written to Whom It May Concern Concerning Matters of Great Concern

To Whom It May Concern,

Recent concerns have come to light that concern me greatly. The nature of these concerns is of such concern to me and others with whom I have expressed my concerns that I need to make you aware of both my individual concerns and our collective concerns.

Concerning these concerns, it would be prudent for me to detail the exact nature of them. First, I am concerned that my initial concerns concerning matters of significant concern that I brought to your attention several weeks ago have been unconcernedly overlooked by those under your purview to whom those concerns may have been assigned. Second, my concerns concerning these initial concerns which I am concerned have been slighted or ignored by unconcerned underlings under your concern appear also to have been shuffled aside by you; a development I find to be most disconcertingly concerning.

My peers have also expressed to me their concern that my concerns not being addressed by those who are supposed to be concerned about such concerns - namely you and those under you - does not bode well for any future concerns they may forward to your concern. Our confused conversations concerning such consternating concerns continually concern us.

Please concern yourself with these concerns and the continuing concerns concerning the lack of concern paid our original concerns by your staff and by you. If these concerns are truly not your concern, please forward this to whomever else it may concern.

With Concern,
Brendon Etter

July 30, 2007

How Things Would Be Different in My Life if I Suddenly Became a Common Earthworm

1. When my kids asked me if I can drive them to the pool, I would have to answer truthfully that our minivan is not designed in such a way as to allow me, a common earthworm, to both see over the steering wheel and work the gas and brake pedals.

2. Typing at work would be considerably more difficult.

3. I would still make holes in soil, but I would use my whole body instead of just my penis.

4. I wouldn't think "The Birds" was such a funny movie any longer.

5. My family would probably get sick of me always asking where my shoes were, and then snickering at them.

6. I would be less tall.

7. Sex with my wife would be rather interesting, but not as interesting as sex with your wife.

8. I might look silly wearing my old, human pants. Need to purchase new worm pant.

9. Crossing the street would be increasingly fraught with great hazard, and I would feel compelled to do so whenever it rained heavily.

10. Wife could get me into movies for free.

11. I would have serious difficulty speaking eye-to-eye with most people.

12. The "I'm but a common earthworm" excuse would probably get me out of many domestic responsibilities.

13. That same excuse would probably also clear me of the assault charges; though, truth be told, I was drunk and a worm, and I did it. I wasn't going to just sit by and listen to that bastard talk smack about earthworms like that.

14. If I were to speak about composting, people would really listen.

15. General uptick in self-sliming behaviors.

Further Proof That I Suck

I am trying to hold out hope that I do not suck; unfortunately for me, the evidence to the contrary continues to mount.

1. Won gold medal and set world record in the most recent Olympic suckathalon.

2. For the fourth year in a row, came in lousy second place for the Nobel Peace Prize.

3. I possess an impossible density; light doesn't even seem to be able to escape, though I think it's not trying very hard.

4. My snuff films are beginning to feel formulaic and predictable.

5. Frequent guest commentator for local news outlets looking for the sucky point of view.

6. I am the headline act at next year's Suckapalooza.

7. Donald Rumsfeld calls me for advice on how not to be so likable.

8. I own a professional baseball team.

9. Editor-in-Chief for "Suck" - the magazine for people who really, really suck.

10. Receiving an increasing number of "Sorry to hear about your suckiness" and "Get unsucky soon" sympathy cards.

11. Blood tests confirm elevated levels of metasuckians.

My Tips for the Dinosaurs on How to Stop Catastrophic Climate Change

[It may help to read this post first.]

1. Immediately switch to hybrid or electric car technology.

2. Don't eat all the trees.

3. Consider building footbridges over sensitive riparian lands and streams to prevent excessive trammeling of plants and amphibious species.

4. Meat-eaters: Can what's left of that carcass be composted? Chances are good that it can.

5. Whenever possible, carpool on your ancestral migrations.

6. Plan ahead: Don't make five foraging trips every day; try foraging at all five locations in just one trip.

7. Leave at least 1.5 inches of grass when grazing to prevent erosion.

8. Install highly-efficient filtration systems in the rectums of the gassier species.

9. Take only pictures, leave only massive footprints.

I Travel Back in Time and Address the Dinosaurs about How They Might Better Live Their Lives in the Face of Catastrophic Climate Change

I approach the dais, and having gained the lectern, address the assembled dinosaurs through a truly enormous PA system that I have brought back in time with me. It is run by a huge generator that I also brought back with me. It's a really big time machine, okay? Moving on. I speak thusly:

"My fellow dinosaurs, and, by "fellow" I mean in the very loose sense of the word that all living things are interconnected, on this most auspicious of days, with so many of our brethren having already been killed by the concussive shockwaves, massive walls of heat and/or super-tsunamis created by the sky-rock's impact, I come to you from the future.

"I represent a race of creatures who have only very recently started evolving in your midst. Right now, we are a small furry mouse-like species, too tiny for most of you to see. I speak to you as one who has knowledge of your ultimate demise. The sky-rock dust will cloud the planet and darken the ground, killing off most vegetation and leading to your extinction in comparatively short order.

"I speak to you as a future citizen of this same planet which, in my time, also faces massive climate change. I say to you that you must adapt your ways. Adapt now or face certain annihilation.

"Imagine, if you will, a world where no more of your kind survive. Indeed, I have the knowledge that you do not want to hear: you will all die. My kind, in about sixty-five million years, will begin to dig your remnants from the soil. You do not exist any longer. Your demise leading to a chain of events which allow my kind to discover this cruel trick of nature called extinction.

"There is hope! Back in time, I have travelled to say that, if you change your ways, you may survive, and we humans will never need to discover your tragic fate. In fact, it is likely that avoiding your extinction in these trying times will leave you the dominant creatures on this planet for the distant and indeterminate future; as you would surely prevent the evolution of many other forms of life due to your position in the food chain... and... and... ohhh...

"uhhh... welllll.... hey, look at the time... wow, I think I've said enough... to sum up, ummm... looking good dinosaurs! Just, uhhh... go about your daily business as always.

"Thanks for listening."

I back away from the lectern nonchalantly, hop into the time machine and depart for the exact same time and position from which I had left.

Years later, paleontologists on a dig for stegosaurus fossils, are shocked to find a mineralized PA system and generator in a layer of rock dating back sixty-five million years.

[Here's what I might have suggested to the dinosaurs, had I finished the spech as written.]

July 28, 2007

Exactly How The Rich Are Different

1. Rich people have sex with absolutely anything for any reason.

2. If a rich person runs you over with his or her car, it probably wouldn't hurt because it's a very nice car.

3. If you want to buy a fancy piece of computer equipment, and it costs one thousand dollars, you might hem and haw about the price for a while before purchasing it. A rich person would say "Hmmm... that's a lot of money, but luckily I'm rich." Then they would purchase it.

4. Rich people are all really good at winning lotteries.

5. If you have brown hair, a rich person has rich person's brown hair.

6. Rich people have an uncanny ability to find change on the sidewalk, leading to quick amassing of fortunes.

7. Rich people have names like Worthington, Bixley and Muff. Poor people have stupid names.

8. When it is five o'clock to you, it is likely five a.m. or p.m. to the rich.

9. Rich people deserve our unending thanks for having the courage to be rich.

10. Rich people have genetic maps which are alarmingly close to those of one or two rich people from the preceding generation.

11. Rich people shit gold. Soft, smelly, brown gold.

12. "Rich people" is missing the prefix found in the phrase "non-rich people".

13. Most people see what is and ask why; rich people see what isn't and ask their chauffeur why not.

July 27, 2007

Instructions for Avoiding Retail-Related Catastrophes Like Those That Occurred During Last Year's Crazy Daze Street Sell-a-bration

1. When the sky darkens, first ask yourself: Is it an eclipse of the sun? Also, listen. Does it sound like a repeat of last year's attack by eagle-sized wasps?

2. Though there may be a large number of unattended children and teens in the street sale area, you should not attempt to purchase them and get them into your vehicle. Most are probably not for sale.

3. Prostitutes in the street sale area are no longer allowed to offer any special pricing during Crazy Daze including, but not limited to, any type of 2-for-1 bargains or "freebies".

4. Fist fights over such things as the last remaining clearance-rack powder blue tank top must now be settled in a best-of-three-rounds boxing ring set up for that purpose. Such disputes can no longer be "free-for-alls" or "to-the-death".

5. Again this year, the mime troupe from the local college is not an invading army; please respect their right to perform.

6. While it's true that you may now carry a concealed weapon, there is no reason to fire it into the air repeatedly because you saved 25% on sandals. This simple precaution should significantly lessen trampling and heart attack deaths this year.

7. Local drug dealers are not allowed to lower prices within 100 feet of any retail outlet selling children's goods: toy stores and children's clothing stores, for example.

July 26, 2007

Inventory of Some Words in a Letter I Probably Should Have Never Sent

1. arrogant (2)

2. the (15)

3. wielding (1)

4. plumage (1)

5. unfetter (2)

6. of (8)

7. marrow (3)

8. splintered (1)

9. axe (2)

10. suck (2)

11. sever (4)

12. cursed (2)

13. attack (3)

14. carcass (15)

15. will (6)

16. egregious (2)

17. revenge (4)

18. gooey (1)

19. wrath (1)

20. you (8)

21. sincerely (1)

Suggestion Box: Viking Raid

Gentle Reader,

A small bronze box was recently unearthed in Greenland where it had been frozen in a layer of permafrost for almost one thousand years.

Inside, archaeologists were astonished to find several small pieces of parchment and a couple tiny pencils.

Upon translating writing from the slips of parchment, the box proved to be akin to a modern day suggestion box.

It appears that the Vikings at least seemed to care greatly about the quality of their own pillaging, as noted by the commentary that helpless villagers left in the box.

Here are the comments in their entirety:

"Please make sure to announce your approach at least three suns before attack. This will give future victims time to get into the mountains and away from your death-bringers! Thanks!"

"I thought most of your group handled themselves well, but I was disappointed in the vast amount of despoiling you have put to us. After a while, it's just overkill, signifying nothing."

"Less fire-starting, more clubbing."

"I preferred the way last year's raping and pillaging went. You would do well to compare notes with the Ummglanvik Viking clan. Talk about execution! Those guys really made us feel unspecial."

"Let me just say that Torvald Ingebrettson (sp? Sorry!) totally swings a mean mace! Seriously, I have the dead family to prove it! Yeeoowcch! Watch out! LOL!"

"Keep up the good work!" (three comments)

"In the future, I would like there to be less screaming. I have to work in the morning, and it's hard to sleep with all the very loud mortal terror you instill. Gags, maybe?"

"Could you guys bring along some Viking women, so us men can, at least, more convincingly pretend to enjoy our being raped?"*

"I felt that no one really listened to my pleas for mercy."

"This was the fifteenth raid I've endured over the past twelve years, and not once have I seen a woman in a leadership position within your organization. You need to examine your hiring practices immediately!"*

"Great crab dip!"

"It's one thing to kill some, rape some and loot us all; it's another to require survivors to sing show tunes for you until three in the morning! That's wrong!"

"Thanks for including me in your plans. It's nice to be thought of."

(* - Archaeologists suspect these two comments may have been from the same masochistic villager.)

Unfortunate First Lines of Some Particularly Indignant or Pointless Letters to the Editor

Dear Editor,

Imagine my chagrin this past Wednesday when I returned home from a long work day to find my breakfast dishes had been upturned by my pesky cat; leaving the residue of oat flakes and milk to harden on the gleaming oak of my kitchen table.

To Whom It May Concern,

Bertrand Pullen's recent commentary on the Pritchard Center's Etruscan pottery exhibit was both comprehensive in scope and daring in its insight into the Bronze Age civilization's geopolitical leanings, but it does little to excuse his too frequent use of the phrase "cocksucking Romans".

Dear Sirs or Lady Reporters,

Your story about the new fall television series "Debugger" on the Computer Science Network neglected to include a picture of the show's cast which I've been informed is standard operating procedure for stories of this type; so I'm wondering why I should continue to subscribe to your newspaper when it so obviously hates technology and technology-related crime series.

Dear Atlantic Monthly,

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To The Editors,

In my 93 years on this planet, I have never read a more irresponsible claim on the benefits of crocheting one's own slippers than that which appeared in these pages last Monday ("Comforting Arthritic Feet with Crafty Hands"; December 11); so, after ruminating on the issue for a number of days, I have decided to firebomb your offices on Christmas Eve in retaliation.

Dear Editor,


To Whom It May Concern,

As a man who has suffered from the pain of losing both parents at a young age, I was especially grateful for the courage shown by my fellow orphan, Lindee Lix, in her portfolio in your June issue of All-American Anal Assault.


When u gonna publish all them great storie's i wrot 2 ya ?!!

July 25, 2007

I Write Out Emoticons as Words So You Can See Once and for All That They Are Neither Funny nor Cute

Gentle Reader,

I feel the need, nay - duty, to help end the scourge of the emotional icon in common text interchanges.

In the spirit of knowing thy enemy before charging headlong into battle, I offer this brief unmasking of some common "emoticon" warriors.

I trust this will better prepare us all for the dark days of hand-to-text struggle sure to come our way in the near future.

Read bravely; it is a not a pretty battalion I describe here.

1. less-than sign forward slash the number three

2. colon left parenthesis

3. hyphen hyphen hyphen hyphen less-than sign hyphen hyphen left curly bracket at sign

4. colon vertical line

5. greater-than sign colon uppercase e

6. colon uppercase d

7. greater-than sign less-than sign left parenthesis left parenthesis left parenthesis left parenthesis degree sign greater-than sign

8. semi-colon right parenthesis

9. left parenthesis tilde underscore tilde right parenthesis

10. colon asterix asterix

11. period period vertical line period period left parenthesis apostrophe underscore apostrophe right parenthesis period period vertical line period period

12. lowercase x period uppercase x

13. caret forward slash forward slash forward slash caret

14. period period period vertical line hyphen lowercase o zero hyphen period period period

15. colon uppercase p

July 24, 2007

Fonts That I Hate and the Very Real Reasons Why I Hate Each

1. Eras Bold - A little too bold with its hands, if you catch my drift.

2. Broadway - Always singing loudly for no good reason.

3. Algerian - Number one state sponsor of terrorism against my ancestral French fonts.

4. Bauhaus 93 - If this font had a nose, you wouldn't be able to see anywhere but up it. A touch too pretentious for my tastes.

5. Mistral - Killed my mom.

6. Jokerman - Reason to suspect this font may actually be more of a Jokerwoman. This ruse doesn't strike me as funny.

7. Cooper Black - Drinks too much.

8. Gill Sans Ultra Bold Condensed - Jesus! Make up your mind! Does one font need this many special features? I've heard it has a hot tub in some iterations.

9. Old English Text MC - Rhymes are too Shakespearean compared to most other contemporary rap artists.

10. Showcard Gothic - Too dark and brooding in a very self-centered, whiny way.

11. Wingdings - Only speaks in gibberish; seems unconcerned with communicating on a meaningful level.

12. Lucida Sans Typewriter - Inability to adapt to changing technology makes this the doddering, senile, shouting grandparent of fonts. Always reminding other fonts about how it was done "back in my day!"

Rewriting My Original Predictions for Events to Better Fit What Actually Transpired

1. Old man Johnson will emit only bodily fluids, not "brilliant, cascading rainbows of sparks."

2. I will spend the whole evening talking to you out of great reverence for not only your intelligence but also your breasts.

3. My attempt to rewrite the record books by swimming around the globe at the equator will end with South America's pigheaded refusal to dig a narrow channel across the continent.

4. The hot ladies will run, just not toward me, when I reveal that I am a close, personal friend of both Huey Lewis and The News.

5. The UN General Assembly will be thrilled with the possibilities offered by my unique and bold Mideast peace initiative if they ever take to time to read it on my website: www.arabjewhardcore.com.

6. The kitten will always land on its feet, but that will offer little assistance after the furry thing has reached terminal velocity.

Reasons Why I Have So Much Integrity

Gentle Reader,

It's well known that I am well known for being well known for having heaping scads of integrity.

I may be the most integritous person you might ever possibly perhaps meet.

Why am I filled to the brim with integritiousness?

I'm not entirely sure. Here are my guesses.

1. I do what I say. For instance, when I say I'm going to kill your family, I kill your family.

2. I don't make promises I can't uphold. This is why I have never promised to give your ear back; I honestly can't find it.

3. Graduated from Columbia with a Master's in Applied Integrity.

4. I openly claim and own my faults. I have no problem telling people that I'm a pathological liar. Really, I am. I wouldn't lie about this.

5. People can count on me. I only let down those people who deserve to be let down, like everyone who refuses to be better than me.

6. I say what's on my mind even when the fucking gerbil isn't listening! AGAIN!!

7. Recently bought two cases of integrity for only $7.99.

8. I will only take credit for the work I do, not someone else's work. I am proud of the work I did to connect the generator to your genitals, for example, but you're the one who did the tough work of shitting yourself in pain.

Should We Sell Our National Parks?

Hmmm. Selling our national parks? Maybe. Maybe not. Let's weigh the benefits and drawbacks of various corporate takeovers of the American national park system.

Buyer: Google
Benefit: Messy nature now indexed and searchable. Easy and quick to find the most popular tree in the forest, for example.
Drawback: "Unobtrusive" text ads everywhere you look. Everything you do in parks is tracked and stored indefinitely.

Buyer: Linux
Benefit: All parks are free and open to everyone.
Drawback: Only hardcore nature geeks capable of navigating parks.

Buyer: Microsoft
Benefit: Wide range of supporting activities programmed specifically for the parks.
Drawback: Parks would just stop working for no known reason, meaning everyone would have to leave the parks and then re-enter for them to work properly again.

Buyer: McDonald's
Benefit: Plenty to eat.
Drawback: Precipitous drop of animal diversity in inverse proportion to the introduction of new Big Mac "flavors".

Buyer: Weyerhaeuser
Benefit: National forests are professionally managed.
Drawback: National forests' names all get the word "Memorial" appended to them.

Buyer: Oprah
Benefit: Now that they have Oprah's blessing and star-power, millions of Americans begin to discover and support our valuable national park system.
Drawback: Two words - empowered grizzlies.

July 23, 2007

Job Review: Christ

Job Review: Christ

Jesus Christ
Phil (non-speaking)

Setting: Interior, Rick's office, desk with chairs on either side.

(Lights up, Rick is perusing paperwork, knock is heard)

Rick: Enter.

(Enter Jesus Christ)

R: Hey, Jesus. Come in... sit down, sit down.

(Jesus sits)

R: (long pause, picking up Jesus's personnel file, heavy sigh) Well, let's get this over with, huh?

J: That bad?

R: Oh, come on, Jesus; please don't act oblivious. I think we are both well aware that this probably isn't going to be the most pleasant experience.

J: Well...

R: You know that you've been underperforming.

J: I...

R: Not living up to your potential, that's for sure.

J: Well, Rick, I just... I...

R: No excuses, please, Jesus. You came in with great references. I mean, look, we had God's word on your abilities.

J: Perhaps, I really just wanted to be...

R: Jesus, Jesus! Expectations were so high, and, you know what... know what...? Perhaps, that's the problem. We probably slapped some very unrealistic expectations on you.

J: That's what I've been feeling! That's what I wanted to say.

R: Okay, okay, okay. Fair enough... the leprosy thing, the blind guy... I guess we thought, shit, this guy's gonna save us millions in health care! In retrospect, maybe that wasn't fair of us, maybe that was too much to expect of someone in your position.

J: I've, you know, I've never really been sure what my position here was... what my real responsibilities are. I mean, I know I was hired as sort of a... a... what did you call it?

R: We've always wanted you to be the utility infielder / journeyman guy here at the plant. Doing whatever was necessary to help everyone else succeed and work error-free.

J: Rick, I've been trying. Lord knows, I've been trying to do that.

R: So... what's getting in the way?

J: I think... I think... there's just so many conflicting demands.

R: Yeah, yeah, it's hard working with so many different people; you've got to be flexible.

J: Like lunch the other day, the place is fairly busting out with loaves and fishes, and some people are eating, but then others are asking where the salad is... I didn't know that they... you know... and something to drink, and people complaining that they don't like fish, and "Hey, Jesus, it's sure be nice to have something to wash this heavy bread down." and, well, it was a mess.

R: I agree.

J: You see?

R: Yes. I think the question then is how that can be addressed so it doesn't happen again.

J: I think I just have to keep my head in the game, and everything will start turning around for me.

R: Well... that's pretty much the same answer you gave last year.

J: I... I know, but...

R: The truth is that the workers are still screwing up left and right. You were brought in to help everyone work more proficiently...

J: Please, Rick...

R: We've given you a few years, but it's time to come clean on something.

J: Just one more chance, come on...

R: I talked to Al and Vic at HQ, Jesus.

J: Aww... crap.

R: They agree... we have to let you go.

J: No, Rick... it's all I have... I... what else am I going to do?

R: That's the good news; you don't have to worry about that, Jesus. We've got your future covered for you.

J: Really?

R: Yeah, Al and Vic and I all think the workers really need a visible reminder about pursuing a clean work life; so we've decided that we're not going to fire you...

J: Wait, you just said that...

R: I know, I know... we've decided, instead, to crucifire you.

(On cue, a worker, Phil, carries in a large wooden cross)

J: Crucifire...?

R: Yeah, in the lunch room. Today. Here... just get under this cross and follow Phil down there.

(Jesus is handed the cross, he shakes his head sadly)

J: Not this again. (pause) Rick, why have you forsaken me?

R: Just doing my job, Jesus.

(Jesus gets his shoulder under the cross, slowly lugs it offstage, behind Phil)

R: (back to perusing his papers on the desk) Let's see... who's next? Mohammed? (heavy sigh) Shit, don't I get a break today?

(A knock is heard, lights fade)

R: Enter.

(lights out)


A Compendium of Facts That You're Going to Just Have to Believe Are True

1. My left ankle is a touch sore.

2. Really, you do smell quite awful.

3. When the grizzly bear struck, he removed your head in one quick swipe. Seriously. I have it on film.

4. Of course I love you.

5. My thinking-state has a speed limit of 83 thoughts per second. I recklessly break that limit all day, every day.

6. The common American beaver has leftist, semi-Canadian political leanings.

7. The belief that I will never hurt you will fail to be supported by the impending, repeatedly-stabby reality.

8. Sure, I like bacon, just not that much.

List of Dirty Words So Dirty Even I Would Never Include Them in a List

Sometimes, concepts get taken too far. My rampant and messy desire to shock and disorient my tender readers leaves carcasses in the wake.

With that in mind, I offer a full list of words and phrases that contain so much filth, so much degradation, so much too-much, that even I won't include them in my writing.

This way, you can rest assured that you'll never encounter their unsettling presence in my writing, and you can read with the peace of mind that comes from knowing you will never be offended or shocked.

This is something to which all good writers aspire: the equanimity of comfort, security and utter predictability.

Having said thus, I must warn you, gentle reader, please be careful. The following list is shocking in the extreme.

1. (censored)

2. (censored) the (censored censored)

3. (censored censored) with a (censored)

4. And (censored) me

5. (censored censored)

6. Don't (censored censored)ing (censored) this

7. Well, just (censored)


(This one was so bad, I even had to censor the word "censored" which referred to the actual word. Hence, number eight had to be left blank.)

9. (censored) un(censored)'d

10. (censored censored censored censored) and the (censored censored)

11. Gigglebutt

July 21, 2007

Some Truly Ultimate Cage Matches

Forget those pansies that claim to be ultimate fighters, let's look into some real ultimate cage matches that would be great to watch.

1. Enormous boulder vs. Enormous tree

2. Irresistible force vs. Immovable object (Irresistible force gets a huge fan for its tag-team partner; Immovable object gets an unlimited amount of Vaseline.)

3. Jesus vs. Muhammad (Both get Righteousness for a tag-team partner.)

4. Gandhi vs. Martin Luther King, Jr. (Loser wins.)

5. College ultimate frisbee team vs. Another college ultimate frisbee team (All 14 players play Ultimate inside the cage.)

6. Apathy vs. Laziness

7. Heterosexual man vs. A nice pair of tits (Actually, this one would be over pretty fast. I'd still like to watch though.)

8. Intellect vs. Creativity

9. Socrates vs. Plato (Joke's on you guys! Ha! Socrates is dead!)

10. Fire vs. Rain (Referee is James Taylor.)

11. Doubt vs. Skepticism

12. The Beat vs. The Rhythm

13. Underhanded Sneakiness vs. Sneaky Underhandedness

14. Time vs. Reality

Brendon Writes a List He Thinks Is Funny, Then Explains Why He Came to That Conclusion

Gentle Reader,

I have recently been accused of being cynical, despicable, a true humanitarian and over six feet tall.

Now, everyone is certainly entitled to their opinions, but I thought I might write a list and explain why I think each item in the list is funny.

I intend to give you a periscope into my soul. If you can understand why I think some things are funny, perhaps you won't be so quick to bandy about such judgmental terms. Do you think I enjoy being reminded of my height?

Anyway, on with explaining my reasoning behind my humor.
For simplicity sake, let's call the list:


1. Something funny.
Reasoning: Funny things are funny. If I write something funny, it has to be funny.

2. An additional funny thing.
Reasoning: If something funny was something funny, an additional funny thing should be additionally funny. I believe humor builds on itself like things which build on themselves.

3. (Farting noise)
Reasoning: Farting is funny. It just is. It's like you have someone trapped in your anus, and every once in a while they shout out an oddly-muffled cry for help. Oh yeah, and the trapped person's breath smells really bad.

4. Penis.
Reasoning: Penises are funny. I'm frequently amused by mine. My wife, on the other other hand, does not find my penis amusing even when I'm showing her how well it mixes her garden salad. Oh well, humor is subjective.

5. Sarcastic comment.
Reasoning: Everyone loves sarcasm! It's the funniest thing EVER! Really, it is. I'm totally serious! That's why I'm using exclamation points!

6. Your ass.
Reasoning: It's much funnier than my ass, which, to my chagrin, just sits there all day doing nothing but holding that little guy in my anus.

7. Something funny which refers back to something else that was funny earlier in the list.
Reasoning: Unexpectedly calling back a funny thing from earlier in your writing helps invest people in the humor's totality. It's like a gift for reading all the way through to the end.

8. Kicker.
Reasoning: Finishing with something quick and powerful helps solidify your writing's resonance with the reader, like punching him or her in the face as a way of ending a friendly conversation. Try it sometime. It's comic gold!

Brendon Etter Sweeps Local Brendon Etter Awards

It's award season again; because it's always award season.

So, in the spirit of the self-congratulatory, frighteningly narrow and compartmentalized nature of award shows everywhere, the local chapter of ASSBE (Association Supporting the Specialness of Brendon Etter) announces the winners of its first annual local Brendon Etter Awards.

The gala inaugural ASSBE ceremony was held in Brendon Etter Memorial Living Room on July 20, 2007.

Tabulation and verification of votes were done by the accounting firm of Brendon Etter, LLC.

The awards were dominated by Brendon Etter, who, in category after category, showed why he is definitely the local Brendon Etter to contend with for the foreseeable future.

Here are the categories and the winners in each:

Best Brendon Etter
Brendon Etter

Best Supporting Brendon Etter
Brendon Etter

Best Rock / Pop Performance by Brendon Etter
Brendon Etter

Best Writing by or about Brendon Etter
Brendon Etter

Best Brendon Etter-tography
Brendon Etter

Best Looking Brendon Etter
Brendon Etter

Wealthiest Brendon Etter
Brendon Etter

Smartest Brendon Etter
Brendon Etter

People's Choice
Brendon Etter

Best Direction of Brendon Etter
Ann Etter*

Life-Time Achievement Brendon Etter
Brendon Etter

(* - currently in dispute, allegations of vote tampering)

Brendon Etter will now move on to next month's national ASSBE awards in Tempe, Arizona, where competition is predicted to be considerably fiercer.

July 19, 2007

Brendon's Brilliant Ideas for Protecting Yourself from Identity Theft

1. Don't leave your identity unattended in an unlocked house or car.

2. Never tell anyone your Visa number is 4832 6671 9901 6292 with an expiration date of December, 2012.

3. Burn all mail as soon as it leaves the letter carrier's hand. I recommend not even looking at it.

4. Maintain a perfect poker face. Identity thieves can read your "tells" and figure out your bank account numbers by the slightest twitch of an eyelid.

5. If the thieves do, somehow, figure out your Visa number (see #2 above), don't tell them that the verification number on the back of your card is 197.

6. Require that anyone wishing to converse with you be a registered user with a secure, cleared password.

7. To prevent their easy duplication, sand off your fingerprints.

8. Kill anyone who requests personal information from you.

9. To prevent carelessly leaving behind any DNA, encase yourself entirely in plastic.

10. Ask the government to make your social security number unlisted.

11. Always speak through a 512-bit public key cryptography digital voice scrambler.

12. Live in total isolation using no modern technology and interacting with no one to show those identity thieves that they can't rob you of your life.

13. Change your full name and address at least three times a week.

14. Develop multiple identities; so it doesn't become too much of a hardship to have only one of them stolen.

15. Have your face removed and put in a safety deposit box.

Brendon's Guide to Being a Perfect Citizen

Gentle Reader,

I'm often asked: Where'd you hide the bodies, Brendon?

Sometimes, I'm asked: You sure that won't hurt?

Infrequently, people ask me: Ooblitarian is to domestic as hepledial is to _____?

Once, I overheard someone mention something about how difficult is must be to be a perfect citizen.

Well, thank you, someone, for the implied question! So, in response to overwhelming reader demand, I offer here my tips on being a perfect citizen.

1. Wrap yourself in American flag stickers.

2. Always be asking yourself: have I turned in enough evidence of other people's wrongdoings and faults to local police today? Remember every serial killer starts out as "just" a jaywalker.

3. When it comes to public meetings, speak more frequently and longer than anyone else. Citizenship is very much a life-long competition.

4. Start a blog about your community, but please make sure all gossip is somewhat true before publishing.

5. Learn all your local history. All of it! Now, damnit!

6. If you see a crime being committed, eliminate the criminal. Disembowel, decapitate, impale the head on a stake in front of city hall with a list of wrongdoings written with the criminal's own blood and entrails.

7. Are your letters to the editor alarmist enough in tone? If not, you obviously don't care enough to correct all your community's terrible problems.

8. Keep track of the length of time that you've lived in the community at least to the hour. I think we know who wins in an argument about a special school board election if one disputant can authoritatively state that he has lived in town 18 years, 4 months, 26 days and 5 hours and the other can only carelessly claim to have lived there "about 20 years".

9. Hire only community talent for your snuff films.

10. Frequently perform unannounced inspections of all municipal offices. Remind employees that you are paying their salary. It helps them feel more respectful of your demand that they salute and refer to you as "Mr. Commander-Guy".

11. Shop locally! Use town prostitutes, not those Big Box hookers from some faceless, corporate pimpery.

July 18, 2007

Awful Names for Cars

1. Subaru Sporadic

2. Hyundai Bisque

3. Chevrolet Germy

4. Toyota Tonsil

5. Mitsubishi Undiscernable SC


7. Mercedes Mercy Killing

8. Volkswagen Wheeled Vehicle

9. Nissan Berry Crunch

10. Plymouth Plywood DX

11. Cadillac Conspicuous Consumer

12. Dodge Mist

13. Porsche Pooter

14. Diet Honda

15. Yugo Stop

16. LeCar LeCrap

17. Mazda RC Cola

18. Saturn Uranus

19. Rolls Royce Roids

The One Card Trick (Alternate Ending)

The One Card Trick (Alternate Ending)


Setting: Bare stage

(Lights up. Shari enters stage left, Brendon enters stage right - he is holding a single playing card.)

Brendon: Hey, Shari, I just learned a new card trick.

Shari: Yeah?

B: Well, I'm not that good at it yet... need to practice.

S: Sure.

B: So here goes...

S: Oh, you want to do it now?

B: Right, practice... the card trick.

S: Sure, sure, go ahead.

B: Cool.

(moves the playing card from one hand to the other and starts doing pseudo-sleight of hand mannerisms with it, makes a very big show of the whole thing then holds out the card to Shari, face down)

B: Okay!

S: What? Was that the trick?

B: Oh, no, (muttering) what's the next step... the, uh... oh yeah... pick a card, any card!

S: Well... uh...

B: Any card.

S: I heard that. So many choices.

B: Go ahead.

S: (takes the card) There.

B: Okay... go ahead and look at it, but don't show me or tell me what the card is.

S: (does so) Right...

B: Now, hand it back.

(She does so. He does magic-type gestures again and then with great flair holds up the card to her.)

B: Is this your card?

S: No.

B: (crushed) Shit.

S: (with a disbelieving, annoyed sigh) Yes, of course it is!

B: Woo-hoo!

(he celebrates a little, this dies down, realizes she is not impressed, to say the least)

B: I got it to work!

S: Yeah... woo fuckin' hoo...

B: Awesome!

S: So.......... that's... that's the trick then?

B: Yeah.

S: Yeah?

B: Yeah... sort of...

S: What?

B: Ummm... I'm really sorry I killed your family.

S: You know, I realize that, but it's going to take a lot more than this to set things right.

(she leaves, he stands there looking after her, then at the card)

B: (calling after her) How about if I show you how I did the card trick?

(he follows her exit)

(lights out)


If People Insist On Asking Me What I Studied In College, I Believe I Will Start Saying This

Gentle Reader,

For whatever reason, I've grown tired of people asking me what I studied in college. I have no idea why.

So, I've decided to be a little more circuitous in answering the question should it arise in the future, which I'm sure it will.

Here's what I may say instead.

1. Somethingology

2. Love and Life

3. Art Shit

4. Pulchritudinousness

5. Pretty Boy Studies

6. The Philosophy of Your Ass

7. Moping

8. Vaginas, mostly

The One Card Trick

The One Card Trick


Setting: Bare stage

(Lights up. Shari enters stage left, Brendon enters stage right - he is holding a single playing card.)

Brendon: Hey, Shari, I just learned a new card trick.

Shari: Yeah?

B: Well, I'm not that good at it yet... need to practice.

S: Sure.

B: So here goes...

S: Oh, you want to do it now?

B: Right, practice... the card trick.

S: Sure, sure, go ahead.

B: Cool.

(moves the playing card from one hand to the other and starts doing pseudo-sleight of hand mannerisms with it, makes a very big show of the whole thing then holds out the card to Shari, face down)

B: Okay!

S: What? Was that the trick?

B: Oh, no, (muttering) what's the next step... the, uh... oh yeah... pick a card, any card!

S: Well... uh...

B: Any card.

S: I heard that. So many choices.

B: Go ahead.

S: (takes the card) There.

B: Okay... go ahead and look at it, but don't show me or tell me what the card is.

S: (does so) Right...

B: Now, hand it back.

(She does so. He does magic-type gestures again and then with great flair holds up the card to her.)

B: Is this your card?

S: No.

B: (crushed) Shit.

S: (with a disbelieving, annoyed sigh) Yes, of course it is!

B: Woo-hoo!

(he celebrates a little, this dies down, realizes she is not impressed, to say the least)

B: I got it to work!

S: Yeah... woo fuckin' hoo...

B: Awesome!

S: So.......... that's... that's the trick then?

B: Yeah.

S: Yeah?

B: Yeah... sort of...

S: What?

B: Ummm... could you loan me twenty dollars?

(she shakes her head and leaves, this is a typical thing he would ask her, he stands there looking after her, then at the card)

B: (calling after her) How about if I do the trick right again?

(he walks after her)

(lights out)


Do We Really Need A Sign For That?

Gentle Reader,

I recently returned from a sojourn out west with the family. We drove, camped and stayed in random hotels; hence my attendant spate of unblogitude.

I am back.

My trip inspired a few possible lists. A couple have already been laid to the digital paper. There are more to come.

For instance, one day, while driving through some canyons in the Rocky Mountains, I noticed a sign reading "
In case of flood, climb to higher ground".

Hmmm... I wondered what sorry soul's misadventure necessitated that sign. Did someone actually descend as the flood waters approached? Did that soon-to-be-ex-person believe the basement to be a nice shelter against excessive flowage?

Hard to say. Maybe the state department of transportation just felt people wouldn't be able to act with the same presence of mind and alacrity that voles and skinks use to save their own hides in such situations.

Whatever the reason, I felt it might be wise to propose some other painfully obvious signs we could also adopt as a society. Enjoy.

1. In case of choking, induce breathing.

2. Cross-traffic does not stop. You should.

3. Please do not bake cookies in the urinal.

4. This air is for breathing.

5. Do not enter streets which have "Do not enter" signs posted.

6. In case of hunger, eat.

7. Red traffic lights are neither green nor yellow.

8. Breaking the law is a punishable offense.

9. Falling from cliff may result in pain.

10. At the top the hill, you will start going down.

11. This movie contains the visual elements of a story.

12. In case of fire, descend to flood.

13. Dying leads to death.

14. These cookies may have been baked in a urinal.

July 17, 2007

New Mottos for Some of Our 50 States

1. Nebraska - Rhyming With Alaska Since 1959!

2. Alabama - We're Not Just A Crappy Country Band!

3. Florida - The Floppy Penis Of America!

4. Kansas - A Science-Free Zone!

5. Delaware - Hi. I'm Delaware. I'm A State. Remember Me?

6. New York - Fuck You!

7. Wyoming - Squarer Than Colorado!

8. Texas - Apologizing To The Dixie Chicks Yet Again!

9. New Jersey - No, My Friend, Fuck You!

10. North Dakota - Vacancy.

11. Idaho - Yes, We Know What Our Name Sounds Like.

12. Minnesota - Passive-Aggressive? What A Cute Thing To Say!

13. Mississippi - America's Redneck Heritage Museum!

14. Vermont - Reliably Quaint!

15. Utah - Please Refrain From Sinning!

16. California - A Beautiful Fucking Mess!

17. New Hampshire - Alive! Free! Dead!

18. Hawaii - Are You Just Using Me For My Beaches?

19. South Carolina - Sorry About That Civil War Thing.

20. Nevada - Please Retain Your Sinning!

21. Wisconsin - The Nation's Heaviest Drinkers For Good Reason!

22. Arkansas - Go Ahead And Laugh.

23. Rhode Island - America's Liechtenstein!

24. Tennessee - Slightly Easier To Spell Than Connecticut!

25. Kentucky - Horsies!

26. Connecticut - New York City's Cul-de-Sac!

July 11, 2007

Things We Didn't Want To Hear From The Tour Guide During Our Teenager's Recent College Visit

1. Last year, there were 15 rapes/murders on campus; this year, there were 15 again, but they were only murders/rapes.

2. Free beer is delivered to each dormroom on Tuesdays.

3. Most of the unexploded munitions left in the main quad have probably now been found.

4. The campus is great for geological research given its location on an active fault line.

5. The campus is only 72% greek, but we're working to raise that to 85% over the next three years.

6. Drugs aren't a real problem on this campus now that we've switched to public executions.

7. The wanton intimidation and humilation should last for just your freshman year.

8. Over 9% of our graduates find work in a field they can pronounce.

9. We are very concerned about the environment: the college has recently begun waging war on the ravages of growing grass with a fleet of lawnmowing machines.

10. The entire campus plumbing system is now wireless!

11. Both student dining halls have been dysentery-free for over three weeks.

12. Students are, of course, encouraged to use contraception before, during and after sex with their professor.

13. Most students who graduate within four years do so in only four years!

14. Thank you for the question, prospective student #1282, I would have to say that students are certainly treated as valuable individual tuition-units here.

15. Last year, 95% of our undergraduates were told they received generous financial aid, and 5% actually did.

16. Now, on-campus student riots only occur when a sports team wins or loses a game.

17. Fraternity and sorority row have been recently designated historic red-light districts.

18. Most bodies are removed within two or three days of their discovery.

July 8, 2007

Better Ways to Celebrate Independence Day

Editor's Note: Sorry, this is a little late. We here at A Play A Day & Lysteria hope our vast, vast, vast readership can apply these cogent ideas to next year's celebration of America's freedom.

Publisher's Note: I would personally like to apologize to our valued readers for the untimeliness of this posting. Due to this dereliction of duties, and his insistence on calling our readership wide and fat, our editor has been fired and subsequently replaced. We are in more distinguished and capable hands now. Let's have our new editor introduce herself.

New Editor's Note: Please allow me to introduce myself to all you fucking porkers, I'm the new editor for A Play A ...

Publisher's Note: Well, looks like I'm the editor around here now. Enjoy the belated list.

1. Beat up on immigrants. It's quintessentially ironic, and irony is quintessentially American; so, in that sense, it's extremely patriotic.

2. Let the red, red blood flow from your white, white skin into the blue, blue public pool.

3. Just eat and eat and eat like the disgusting pig you are.

4. Debate someone in the town square on a hot-button civic issue like your right to tear both ears from his head, not just the one you've already removed.

5. Encourage another great American revolution by killing all the British people you can find.

6. Wave the flag. Harder. Harder! Harder!!! HARDER, you wussy fuck!!!!

7. Watch television all day with one hand placed reverently over your heart.

8. Remember everyone who has died to keep this great country free as you pass out at the neighbor's barbecue yet again.

9. Jerk off to good ol' freedom-lovin' American porn.

If You Give a Corpse a Cookie...

If you give a corpse a cookie...

... it'll probably want the recipe; so...

... it'll need to come into the house; so...

... you'll need to drag it into the house; because...

... it's a corpse, and, therefore, it can't walk; so...

... you'll have to try to pick it up, which...

... depending on the extent and nature of its decomposition is going to be, at least...

... really friggin' disgusting; so...

... you'll need to buy and use a full-body biohazard suit with...

... a self-contained undertaker breathing apparatus; so...

... you don't have to smell the rotting flesh, and...

... you'll have to wear this the whole time which...

... will likely be very hot and uncomfortable, but...

... necessary and prudent when handling the decaying remains of a cookie-eating corpse; so...

... you'll realize quickly how heavy the corpse is, and...

... how hot and uncomfortable the biohazard suit is; so...

... you'll have to figure out a different way to move it into your house to get the recipe; so...

... you'll attempt to reanimate the corpse with, ummm, with what...

... exactly? Yes! Brains! Of course, why didn't you think of that...

... sooner? Ohh, yeah, because you already gave the corpse a cookie...

... a brain cookie, but, since you couldn't find any brains for the recipe...

... you had to use your own which, of course...

... killed you instantly, but...

... you managed to make the cookies and...

... give them to your corpsey friend...

... that's why you were in the presence of another corpse to begin with; because...

... you are dead and sharing cookies made from eggs, sugar, chocolate chips and brains...

... and the other corpse liked them, and...

... it wanted the recipe; so...

... it could make them for itself, and...

... you promised to get it the recipe and...

... help it to make a fresh batch of brain cookies...

... for more corpses to be reanimated, but...

... that means you'll need more brains; so...

... it's time to...

... BAKE!

(zombishly-evil screeching, moaning and laughing)


Why You Should Have Plastic Surgery

1. You are entirely constructed out of plastic.

2. You have that independence of spirit that drives you on to bigger and better things. Particularly bigger.

3. Because you're a big asshole, and you figure that you might need asshole reduction surgery.

4. Because your name is no longer Aaron C. Fullekson. Now it is Neil Hensort, and you were recently relocated to 7133 N. Volunteer Drive, Apartment 2E, Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania as part of a federal witness protection program to help you escape what would almost certainly be your gruesome death should the Sardinian, Russian or Hong Kong mafia ever be able to track you down somehow.

5. Have always wanted that super-sexy mummified look.

6. You want to make a statement by showing up at your college reunion and making everyone realize how horribly desperate a creature you truly are.

7. You want to fit in with well-balanced celebrities and teenage girls.

8. You are fatally allergic to sag.

9. You want to donate your excess fat to the charity "Lards of Love" for surgically implantation in anorexic children.

10. Are rich, have no soul.

11. If you look younger, you'll live longer. It's common sense.

12. Because Michael Jackson looks so good.

13. Absolutely love, love, love surgery!

14. Because it will help you forge caring, life-long bonds with other shallow people.

15. It means you will never die. Never.

Horror Movie!? Musical!? You Decide!

Outside of modest claims of entertainment value, all bad horror movies and all bad musicals share something else: the unnecessary exclamation point. Offered here are possible titles of either horror films or musicals, I am leaving it up to the reader to decide which are which. Have fun!

1. Pogo Stick!

2. Melon!

3. Rivet!

4. Shoelaces!

5. Rent!

6. Fucked!

7. Stab Me Harder!

8. Pulsation!

9. Mix!

10. Eyeballin'!

11. Boxed In!

12. Derivative!

13. Shunt!

14. Something!

15. Deathballin'!

16. 16!

17. Rugged Tires!

18. Flanker!

19. Sponge!

20. Crap!

21. The!

22. Creature Time!

23. Thrust!

24. Pickles!

25. Paperwork!

26. Regeneration!

27. Gizmo!

28. O-B-G-Y-N!

29. George Bush!

30. Sambatronica!

31. Death Gerbil!

32. Potash!

33. Tree III!

34. Smokin'!

35. Burning Love!

36. Chubby!

37. Muffler!

38. Pulchritudinous!

39. Vague Resemblance!

40. Very Much So!

41. Slab!

42. Concertina!

43. Drawn And Quartered!

44. Scar Day 7171!

45. Jelly!

46. Eat Me!

47. Hummin'!

48. Photocopy!

49. Parts!

50. High Fiber!

51. Anyone's Nose!

52. Scrappy Time!

53. Suckage!

54. Plinko!

55. December 3, 2081!

56. Chili Days!

57. The Yellow-Breasted Nuthatch!

58. 16 II!

59. Sump Pump Lump Dump!

60. Shout!

61. Shit!

62. French Fried Potatoes!

63. Quick!

64. The Miserables!

65. Ignomy!

66. Frettle!

67. Butter!

68. Very Very Much!

69. So What!

70. Clips!

71. Orifice!

72. Retention!

73. Honestly!

74. Bark!

75. Gee Whiz!

76. Federal!

77. Lip Liner!

78. Done!

79. Attackion!

80. Gum Chewers!

81. Sniff!

82. Blatant!

83. Partial Nudity!

84. Licked Up! Licked Down!

85. Second Chanced!

86. Off'd!

87. You!

88. Suck!

89. On'd!

90. Batch!

91. 16 III: This Time It's 16 III!

92. Ass!

93. And and/or Or!

94. Notchlike!

95. One Dead Day!

96. Great Tits, New Jersey!

97. Vase!

98. Fuzzy!

99. Ill III!

100. Kill-ed!

101. Tip Top Drip Drop!

102. Quadrilateral!

103. Rome Gnome!

104. Gertrude!

105. Til Death!

106. Mole Town!

107. Mitten!

108. Syrup Pants!

109. Masked!

110. Quieter!

111. Olden Years!

112. Bop!

113. Eggy!

114. Ooooh!

115. Erstwhile!

116. Butcherin'!

117. Hard Time Killin' People!

118. Show!

119. Certitude!

120. X-Ray!

121. Mulch!

122. The Living People Not Yet Dead!

123. Horrendous!

124. Bi-Furious!

125. Ouch!

July 6, 2007

Words You Hope To Never Hear From Your Proctologist During The Exam

1. Delightful

2. Humorous

3. Tumoriffic

4. Distended

5. Tasty

6. Awe-inspiring

7. Tragic

8. Fluffy

9. Do-over

10. Prolapsed

11. Chasm

12. Pan-seared

13. Endless

14. Sinister

15. Camouflaged

16. Minty

17. Nooooooo!!!!

18. Shredded

19. Entertaining

20. Public-access

21. Bleached

22. Infested

23. Hexed

24. Crap

25. Whoopsie

26. Rusty

27. Extreme

28. Say Cheese

Bad Names I Never Called You and My Valid Reasons For Not Doing So

The Bad Name - The Valid Reason I Do Not Use It to Describe You

1. The Pope of Poopy Panties
- While you do frequently wear women's underwear, and you do have bowel control issues, you are still only an Archbishop.

2. Arrogant Ass - While it seems high and mighty, I'm not sure that indicates arrogance. I will have to converse with your buttocks more extensively to determine its haughtiness.

3. Stevebot - Android, yes; Steven, no.

4. Yezjangalemener - Not at all sure what this is.

5. Cum Dumpster - You are actually only a cum recycling bin.

6. Dogface - Not a bad name, considering you are a dog who, thankfully, has a face.

7. Bitch-ass Ho - Sure, we've had our differences in the past, but you're 94, in a nursing home, and essentially catatonic. For these reasons and more, I just think this is overkill in describing you as my grandmother.

8. Jailbait - Doesn't apply to you; because I ended up with only three years of probation.

9. Son of a Bitch - Seeing as you are my brother, using this name puts me in a bit of a bind.

10. Cocksucking Whore - The fact that I never paid you means I really can't use this one. In a sense, both you and I get off on a technicality with this epithet.

11. Drug Mule - You are actually a pony.

Other Types of Ometers

In addition to thermometers (temperature), hygrometers (humidity), and anemometers (wind speed), there exists a bevy of other, less-celebrated devices used to measure naturally-ocurring phenomena.

The following is as complete a listing as the author cares to compile. A more exhaustive compendium may exist elsewhere, probably on the world wide whateverthingy, but my googlometer tells me it's not worth researching.

Complaints and additions should be forwarded to the author. He will forward them back to you for reforwarding.

1. Meterometer: Measures anything one meter long.

2. Nanometer: Measures the amount of delicious bread needed to sop up the juices of any particular Indian dish.

3. Weightometer: Measures the "heaviness" of philosophical concepts and theories.

4. Exometer: Measures what measurements used to be measured.

5. Peometer: Measures bladder capacity and current levels of tissue distention.

6. Poometer: Measures bowel capacity and potential volume, scent and duration of outgoing gasses.

7. Milliometer: Measures many, many things.

8. Doometer: Measures your overall fuckability.

9. Zitometer: Measures dermal and subdermal seismic activity in dangerous acne regions.

10. Slackometer: Measures the minimum amount of effort needed to complete any given task in a half-hearted fashion.

11. Crackometer: Measures the length of skin between the top of one's pants and the beginning of one's butt crack, alarm sounds when that distance dips below zero.

12. Ometerometer: Measures the measuring capacities of other measuring devices.

13. Otterometer: Measures for presence and adorability of otters.

14. Otherotterometerometer: Measures measuring capacities of alternative measuring devices which might be used to measure for the presence and adorability of otters.

Grafitti Needn't Be Coarse: Examples of Stall Scrawl Decency

What I imagine might be written on the walls in only the finest of public restrooms.

1. I wish to relay to you something that your mother uttered when we were otherwise engaged in some private, interpersonal matters last evening.

2. I find your behavior most unacceptable in polite society.

3. Jennifer, in all ways a comely and intelligent lass, just so happens to perform fellatio quite admirably. You would do well to schedule an appointment with her at your earliest possible convenience. She may be contacted at 555-6370.

4. Need a second for the upcoming squash tournament at the club. Do meet me at midnight Saturday in the second stall of the men's room at the rest stop just south of town.

5. I believe I have a finer appreciation than most of the particular delights to be found in coital interludes.

6. This man named Ronald, with whom, I realize, most of you may not be acquainted, I find to be a rather crass fellow. You will just to believe my claim in this matter.

7. I wish to inquire about the availability of certain intoxicants for consumers within the greater metropolitan area. If someone has some information regarding this matter please contact me at 555-9082, or perhaps post a list of probable contacts below this message. Thank you ever so much.

8. While not wanting to offend, I'm wondering if I might point out that, though I deeply respect you as a person in nearly all possible matters, I, on occasion, feel you may inhale from the butt end of life.

9. My former romantic partner has left me quite vexed by her contradicting and oft-cruel statements.

10. Please note below the clever picture I've crafted. On first inspection, it might appear to be a long missile plunging earthward between two hills. I entreat you, however, to look more closely, as the hills and missile might suggest, upon closer examination, something quite delectably ribald.

11. Here I sit, a touch brokenhearted; as I entered this bathroom fully intending to relieve the pressure in my bowels, but, having attempted to do so, I find that I merely needed to lessen some gastric pressure through flatulence.

12. I have suspicions that both your father and your father's father may have been homosexuals.

13. I feel it is my duty to report that I have successfully masturbated in this immediate area.

July 5, 2007

Shakespeare's Porn Heritage

The recent discovery by English academics of a secret cache of manuscripts dating from the 1550s has greatly clarified the source material which inspired William Shakespeare to write some of his many plays.

That Shakespeare borrowed liberally from writers that came before him has been known for centuries. Academics, however, were shocked both by the nearly full-scale extent to which The Bard had appropriated texts and the graphic nature of the manuscripts from which he gleaned his stories.

Here are the titles of some of those more prurient quartos.

1. Romeo in Juliet

2. (Twelve Knights on) Twelfth Night

3. The Openly-Married Wives of Windsor

4. Kink Leer

5. Oooooothello

6. Henry IV Parts Two

7. Doing of the Shrew

8. The Commodity of Eros: A Whore's Tail

9. The MILF (Merchant I'd Like to Fuck) of Venice

10. Love's Laborers' Lust

11. Henry VIII-Inches

12. Cornholey Anus

13. Dick III

14. Pleasure for Pleasure

15. The Two Very Rough Men of Verona

16. A Midsummer Night's Cream

17. All Swell That End Swell

18. Much I Do: A Butt Thing

19. The Two Noble Kinsmen and the Enchanted Cock Ring of Destiny

20. Ass You Lick It

Positive Conspiracy Theories

1. Jet contrails are a means of signaling one-world government forces exactly which citizens have a big birthday that day.

2. Marks on the backs of some road signs and on certain highways have been put there to unwittingly lead invading enemies to the nearest Kenny G concert, where the will be lulled to sleep and terminated by smooth jazz licks and neurotoxins

3. Crop circles are made by an alien race that believes in the power of public art to calm the soul.

4. Childhood immunizations are used by the government to tag children because they want all kids to see how much fun it is to play tag.

5. The five men who comprise The Illuminati's High Council control nearly eighty percent of the earth's natural resources, but they're all genuinely nice people and extremely good-looking guys as well.

6. The major auto companies have each known for many years how to build cars that get up to three hundred miles per gallon of gas, but that would mean people would be spending more time driving rather than spending quality time with their families, and they didn't want to feel guilty for that sort of rip in the social fabric.

7. Bar codes are used by big business to reward loyal customers with one-time, random jackpot payouts through the front of state and national lottery games.

8. A massive asteroid is hurtling ever closer to the Earth, but it's got an amazing, free waterpark on it.

July 3, 2007

Hooray For Poopies!

For some reason, very stupid parents across the country insist on praising their children for everything despite widely-accepted evidence that, while unconditional positive regard is a vital component of parenting, constant and specious praise actually damages a child's motivation.

It has become so bad in public settings that parents who do not praise every tiny aspect of their child's activities, often catch the skunk eye from those rushing to be more positive and supportive than thou.

For those parents who insist on rational praise only when merited, I offer this list of meaningless and excessive statements to help raise their level of obsequious, almost-fearful pandering to their children's delicate, delicate psyches.

1. Way to not tear out all your sister's hair!

2. I think the dog looks great without that silly old tail!

3. Great job breathing!

4. You watched the whole TV, not just one corner of it! Yay!

5. You buried the neighbors alive? Amazing! All by yourself? Wow!

6. Hey! 'D' is really close alphabetically to the 'A's you got last year!

7. I'm just waking you up to tell you that you're really sleeping great, honey.

8. Way to exist!!

9. Nice blind slashing, dear!

10. How did you know I didn't want that part of my liver anymore?

11. What a clever way to burn down the house!

12. You may have stolen her toys, but now, at least, the better girl has them!

13. Hooray! You're so good at dying!

14. Fabulous date raping, son!

15. You amputate so well for a 6-year old! Especially a 6-year old without medical training!

16. You're right, sweetie, I should fuck off!

Urgent Metaphysical News

1. Agents for the letter K have stated that the letter now prefers to remain silent in all its appearances.

2. Hope and Despair agree to peace talks to be held in Versailles this coming November.

3. Democracy soundly defeated by Fascism in general election for fifth consecutive time.

4. Saying it frequently feels unrequited, Love retires.

5. Thought thinks; blows its mind.

6. The number 5 begins five state northeast tour.

7. Local convenience store fires Apathy, rehires Expediency.

8. Obesity looking much slimmer in vertical stripes.

9. District court rules against organized crime; both Organization and Crime to file separate appeals.

10. Nature decides to go inside and warm up for a bit.

11. Area man scuffles with unwelcome Idea.

12. Sense of Urgency reportedly not truly Important.

13. Confusion's operating instructions for new nuclear power plant understood perfectly by Danger, Tragedy and Death.

14. Helplessness gives up again.

15. Applause dies down; police have no suspects.

Indications Your Child Is Evil

1. Has shown little interest in compromising in his tense nuclear standoff with China.
2. Eats one pea, spreads the rest around the plate to reduce appearance of pea density, and it works every time.

3. Owns the high-score board on EvilChild.com.

4. You catch her digging through your anthrax spore collection.

5. His parrot only knows the words "human" and "trafficking" and "alibi".

6. Constantly testing the tensile strength of various types of wire on her classmates.

7. All of your child's past teachers have been relocated by the FBI.

8. Dick Cheney is on her speed dial, and she's on his.

9. Starts asking himself, "What would Hitler do?"

10. Calmly suggests that it would be better for the family if they not discuss the hamster any more.

11. Recently purchased her third super computer "to help with a big spelling test."

12. All he wants for Christmas is two front teeth; not his own.

13. Only plays with Self-Surgery Barbie.

14. Pretty sure his cat used to have four legs, not three stumps and a wheel.

Therapists' Reports On Irrational Numbers

Client: 2

Presenting Issue: Despite its powerful position in the number family and its eminent divisor capabilities, two persists in believing that it can go into five equally, because, as it frequently claims, "it's just me upside down".

Treatment Plan: Recommending humanist approach to help two gain a more emotive sense of self, and then cognitive-behavioral techniques to help it come to terms with a more realistic appraisal of both its assets and its limitations. Need to resolve boundary issues with five; consider inviting both to some sessions together.

Client: 7

Presenting Issue: While outwardly appearing to be a no-nonsense number, seven frequently resorts to highly magical thinking as the answer to some deeply-engrained identity issues. Seven believes that it possesses mystical powers to bring the other numbers good luck simply by association. Nearly constant delusions of grandeur result in narcissistic proclivities and the alienation of most other numbers.

Treatment Plan: Without devaluing seven's strong sense of self, need to use some rational-emotive techniques to tease out its thoughts (mainly about itself), beliefs and actions. Once those have been adequately aired, seven and its therapist should confront each to more fully visualize the circular feedback cycling inherent to all three. Examine use of anti-psychotics to help quiet the unrealistic, magical script constantly playing in its head.

Client: 13

Presenting Issue: Perhaps too numerous to delineate here. Thirteen morbidly obsesses on its supposedly "cursed" (its words) nature. Believing itself worthy of nothing but pity, shame, scorn and hatred, thirteen fails to seek out healthy social relationships, preferring instead to entangle itself serially with questionable life partners such as 86 and 420 with which it invests enormous amounts of energy for ultimately no real return. This type of self-destructive connection helps to validate thirteen's desperately low self-image. Prone to self-cutting and unhealthy addictions, it seems to call out for abusive treatment, and, indeed, seems to seek it out to fulfill its own negative self-prophecy.

Treatment Plan: Treat the addiction first by encouraging group process work and finding thirteen a mentor for staying sober. Consider connecting it with Numbers Anonymous chapter in the area. Treat the underlying depression with SSRIs and a mood stabilizer. Work on self-acceptance through flooding thirteen with unconditional positive regard. Encourage small lifestyle changes to help extract thirteen from destructive behavioral cycles. (Walking for exercise or starting a hobby, for example) Gradually introduce cognitive behavioral principles and techniques as thirteen's improvement in self-regard warrants.

July 2, 2007

Possible Outcomes Of My Next Texas Hold 'Em Hand

1. One Jack, Four Asses

2. Five Aces (2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, J, Q, and K wild)

3. Pair of Pants

4. Full House (three bad actors over the Olsen twins)

5. King of Dicks high

6. Four Queens, King of Pizza Delivery (start porn music now)

7. Eighty-Eight of Spades high

8. Two Pair - Fives of Hydrogen Bombs and Naked Ladies, Nines of Angry Hippos and Anthrax

9. A lousy Three of Clubs high (think about this one for a while)

10. A hand sadly lacking in diversity

11. Three of an Unkind (begin creepy horror music now)

12. Four dead former Texas Hold 'Em players (I told them to leave their hands above the table, damnit)

Sperm Count

Sperm Count

... one ........ t... two... three... Hey, is that one over there by your foot?

I think so.

Then that makes four. Five... six... shit... where'd that big one go?

Look out! Behind you!

Ahhhh! Seven. Definitely seven!

You okay?

Yeah, yeah, fine... just keep looking!

How many are there supposed to be again?

There were thirteen in here this morning, and now we... whoa... wait a sec... is that one on the ceiling?!

Holy shit... yeah... yeah, it is!

How'd it get up there? These things are just getting smarter and smarter.

So that's... is that seven then?

No, no, eight; ceiling sperm makes eight.


Yes. Eight.

You sure?



Listen, let's not fight... the boss is going to be plenty pissed if he gets back from lunch and five are missing.

Yeah, I know. Did you look in the filing cabinet?

No. It's locked... how the hell would they have been able to get into a locked...

Maybe one of 'em stole some keys?

Unlikely. I have the only set, other than the boss.

Where are they?

What? My keys?


There right in this....... shit... shit... no! Shit!


(nods with fright)

(both turn their heads slowly and stare at the filing cabinet)

to be continued...

Street Names That Might Negatively Effect Property Values

1. Rotten Rodent Road
2. Violent End

3. Rabid Monkey Parkway

4. Interrogation Interstate

5. Fraternity Rapeway

6. Sudden Sinkhole Place

7. Ol' Corpse Hill

8. Nuke Storage Street

9. Epicenter Avenue

10. Unexplained Infectious Diseases Drive

11. Sexy Hitler Way

12. Police Brutality Point

13. Castration Circle

14. Ann Coulter Way

15. Bang Gangway

16. Le Boulevard du Child Molesters

17. Fascist Freeway

July 1, 2007

Awards Given Out To Some Of The 49 Losers In The Miss America Pageant

1. Miss Congenitality
2. Miss Taken For A Horse

3. Miss Mister

4. Miss Impressive Rack

5. Miss Shapened Horse-Like Face

6. Miss Congealality

7. Miss Frat House Fun Toy

8. Miss Phony

9. Miss Placed Horsed-Sized Eyeballs

10. Miss Smiling Automaton

11. Miss Directed Anger

12. Miss Wets Herself

13. Miss Gigantic Horse Teeth

14. Miss Fucked Up

15. Miss Exercise Bulimia

16. Miss Fucked Over

17. Miss Aligned Priorities

18. Miss Vague Meaningless Humanitarian Convictions

19. Miss Fucked Again

George W. Bush's Jobs Other than "The Decider" and "The Commander Guy"

1. The Elucidatitor of Stuff and Things

2. The Leadershipper

3. The Deconstitutionalizer

4. The Yammering Finger Puppet

5. The Soul Taker

6. The Idiotrix

7. The Alcoholic-Turned-Assaholic

8. The Cheney Blocker

9. The Religionator Man

10. The Dumb Ass Mutherfuckerer

11. The Hall Monitor Person

12. The Presidentist

Abortion Is Awesome!

It's well-known among pro-life advocates that the reason pro-choicers fight for abortion rights has nothing to do with a woman's right to decide what to do with her own body. That's just a paper tiger. No, they fight for reproductive rights because, quite simply, abortion is totally fucking awesome!

Pro-lifers know this; they have been in denial for years about all the kick-ass aspects of abortion, fearful that, if too many people start having abortions, the country would turn into Dead Fetus Disneyland, and pro-lifers hate Disneyland because Disney is nice to homosexuals.

[On a side note, if too many French people started having abortions, than that whole area would turn into Dead Fetus EuroDisneyland, which would actually lead to fewer abortions.]

Why is abortion so awesome? Read here and find out!

1. It frees up valuable womb space that can then be used to smuggle narcotic-filled balloons across international lines.

2. There are never, ever any long-term emotional consequences for anyone involved. Ever.

3. Pay for ten, get your eleventh free.

4. Finally gives doctors something to do.

5. Allows men and women to be the non-stop sex machines that James Brown prophesied.

6. Women, at last, have something to talk about with other women.

7. Keeps the protest sign industry afloat.

8. Helps suppress the serial killing urges most obstetrical surgeons obviously feel.

9. One more person that never has to go to a Renaissance festival.

10. Allows arch-conservative fundamentalists to demonstrate exactly how much they hate the sinner but love the result of the sin.

11. For the fetus, it's like getting out of jail early.

12. Helps art school students with their anguished poetry.

How To Please A Woman

Please, dear reader, most of this is fairly top secret. Be very cautious. Do try this at home.

1. Generally leave her be.

2. Tell every woman you meet how beautiful they are. Snicker after she's out of hearing range.

3. Do not introduce her to me.

4. Offer her a free facial anytime she wants one.

5. When on a date, tell her that you want her to eat whatever she wants and not worry about about how fat she is.

6. Buy her things. Without exception, women are incredibly shallow, and they need commercial goods to feel happiness - remind her of that fact when you give her the gift(s). Go ahead; do it.

7. Be sure to point out that at least she doesn't have to burden herself with work or a career.

8. Have sex with her. Scientists estimate up to 8% of women enjoy sex.

9. Just shut your damn mouth.

Evidence That You're Having A Bad Day

1. You wake up next to a severed penis, and it's not yours.

2. You're all out of Crystal Meth Flakes breakfast cereal and milk.

3. Traffic is so bad that you're late telecommuting to work.

4. Your head hurts so much from drinking last night that you forget that you actually drank three nights ago. Last night, you tried self-trephination... after drinking heavily.

5. No matter how much you scrub, you just can't get that burned-Cub-Scout-troop smell off your hands.

6. Jesus calls just to tell you he really fucking hates you.

7. Your Ecudorian blend roast double half-mocha half-cappucino tasted like it hadn't been shade-grown.

8. The police arrest you at home for being "kind of a dick."

9. You get e-mail about cheap medicine on the internet. You search and search, but can't find these drugs anywhere on the internet inside your now-disassembled computer.

10. Your hair starts to fall out in clumps immediately after getting your head caught in the paper shredder.

11. You are Dick Cheney.

12. You are a poet.

13. You are a poet employed by Dick Cheney.