June 1, 2007

A Listing of Very Important Things I Know for Sure

1. If you throw a ball up in the air, eventually it's going to draw anti-ball fire from enemies stationed on the ground.

2. Brushing your teeth is very important to overall health and appearance, especially if your teeth have a lot of hair to brush.

3. Condoms only work if placed on all of your fingers.

4. The square of the hypotenuse of a right triangle is equal to the sum of the squares of the remaining two sides, unless I say otherwise.

5. Ice cream is good. People who don't agree are horrible and should be killed.

6. Nothing is faster than the speed of light, except the speed of light driving a really fast car.

7. The sun rises in the east; then it spends all day just hanging out in the sky doing jack shit.

8. A real friend is one who gives you lots of money, then cares enough to die before anyone else finds out.

9. That thing you thought I said that made me sound like an insensitive, lying prick? I never said that. I am an insensitive, honest prick.

10. On weekends, 1 + 1 = 2.

11. Someone who tries to sell you drugs is not your friend, probably more of an acquaintance. They're way too cool to be friends with you. A real friend gives you drugs for free.

12. Exercise every day, except those days when you don't want to, or when you've got something else going on.

13. You must ask yourself not only what would Jesus do, but also what would Jesus drink to forget what a miserable disappointment you must be to him.

14. Always keep learning! You never know, some day you might figure out this whole "toilet" thing you've heard so much about.

15. Explore your options: Why not the dog? You've already buggered the neighbor's cat.

16. It's important to be community minded; try leaving human brains in city hall or your neighborhood park.

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