February 29, 2008

Why Are We Vomiting?

1. In training for the 110-meter high hurls at the Summer Bulimpics.

2. Thought about Ann Coulter.

3. Typed "Ann Coulter"...

4. (whoops... sorry, again, gotta stop that)

5. It's your art.

6. For cash prizes.

7. Forgot to unwrap the candy.

8. It's a much quicker way to get out that last pesky heroin balloon.

9. Not much else to do.

10. The ipecac was free, damnit. Free. Can't pass up a deal like that.

11. Mandatory stomach inventory.

12. To impress the ladies.

13. Bankrupting the local All-You-Can-Eat pizza restaurant.

14. Zero gravity doesn't agree with you.

15. Hopping on that new "Extreme!" bandwagon.

16. It's just something you dabble in... as a hobby.

17. Woke up with a penis in your mouth. Your own penis.

18. You wanted the city pool to yourself for a few minutes.

19. It's the "special" in the special sauce.

20. Nostalgia.

February 28, 2008

Where Are We Vomiting?

1. Toward the toilet.

2. On our former friends' Christmas letters.

3. On treasured memories.

4. Under grandma.

5. In righteous indignation.

6. Mississippi.

7. On our good names.

Right here.

9. Some frat house.

10. Up.

11. Somewhere over the rainbow.

On the general election ballot.

13. Where aren't we vomiting?

14. In the patient's open chest cavity.

15. By ourselves.

16. High-velocity turbine wind tunnel.

17. Deep down inside.

18. Into the future, bravely.

February 27, 2008

Brendon's Commonsense Suggestions for Improving Your Vehicle's Gas Mileage

With gas costing upwards of several hundred pennies per gallon, what can you, the average driver, do to reduce that expense? Driving less simply is not an option, probably because you are fat or lazy or fatlazy, or maybe it's just because you are stupid. We needn't delve into semantics about why you drive so much; we need to, instead, look at what can be done to place the blame firmly on your vehicle. After all, people don't drive people; cars drive people.

Caught in this impossible vehicular pickular, we need to look at commonsense ways to improve your vehicle's gas mileage.

I offer some bold suggestions:

1. Make sure your destination is always downhill from your starting point. Put the car in neutral and roll.

2. Stop-and-go traffic is terrible for gas mileage. Choose either 'stop' or 'go' but not both.

3. Easily convert your old petrol piggy into an electric/gas hybrid by putting some AA batteries in the gas tank.

4. Gain extra power without using the gas pedal by forcefully and steadily blowing on the inside of your windshield while driving.

5. Avoid mileage-wasting traffic jams by driving on the shoulder or sidewalk.

6. Install a small wind turbine on your car's roof. Once you hit highway speed, the energy from the rotating blades will power your engine.

7. Mileage varies inversely with vehicle and cargo weight; so only drive underwater, in the vacuum of space, or while hovering above your car.

8. If you have a gas/electric hybrid, invest in a very, very, very long extension cord.

9. Convert all roads to moving walkways. Park car and let the road do the work.

10. Find space-time wormhole. Drive through it. Cross your fingers and hope the exit is somewhere near your destination.

11. Quickly accelerate to 250 miles per hour, then coast.

12. Think of your car as more of a large backpack, briefcase or purse for your stuff. Push it wherever you need to go.

13. Switch to the tried and true Flintstone braking system.

14. Harness solar power by putting a small chunk of the sun on top of your engine.

15. Don't be so hard on yourself; change your definition of "mile" to mean "about 4 or 5 inches".

Sit in car. Pretend you're driving.

February 26, 2008

Significant Problems with the Bible

1. Very preachy.

2. Run-on sentences.

3. Excessive use of arcane terminology.

4. Continuity problems - stories jump all over the place, chapters do not even attempt to flow into each other.

5. Sometimes it feels like they're just making shit up because they think it sounds cool.

6. Lack of bibliographic documentation and footnoting.

7. Extremely weak plot development.

8. Too many characters.

9. The bad guys never manage to shoot Jesus, even when there are like thirty of them standing in the same room firing at him with huge shotguns, but, somehow, Jesus can pick off anyone with his trusty revolver even if he's racing full-bore on his horse and shooting back over his shoulder without looking.

10. Characters painted without nuance. Either good or evil, not very realistic.

11. No dinosaurs or robots.

12. Flagrant overuse of predictable deus ex machina plot device.

13. Miracles are usually just a little too convenient to be believable.

14. Feels horribly biblical.

February 25, 2008

Amazing Facts You Never Could Have Known

1. Elephants can't jump as they find it undignified.

2. An oyster can change its sex once every seven days making for some very awkward mornings after drunken one-night stands.

3. Eagles are capable of killing small deer and carrying the body away, especially eagles with guns and trucks.

4. Ants will always fall to the right when intoxicated. This is because an ant's ass is on its right.

5. Female rabbits can mate within twelve hours of giving birth; male rabbits can mate during birth.

6. Elephants can't jump, but they can hover in place six inches off the ground.

7. 73% of of 70-year old men are still capable of impregnating a fertile woman. A very desperate fertile woman.

8. The Venus de Milo originally had arms, but thought them too flabby and had them removed by a plastic surgeon.

9. Human babies have about 300 bones at birth, but, due to heavy market demand, end their lives with only 206. Unless they die really, really young, or aren't motivated sellers.

10. Baby robins eat 14 feet of earthworms each day, which explains why earthworms don't have feet.

11. Banging your head against the wall for an hour burns about 150 calories. Banging someone else's head against the wall for an hour burns considerably more and is a lot of fun.

12. Elephants can't jump because they are so fucking fat.

13. If Barbie were human, her measurements would assure her a lifetime of lewd conduct and groping from men.

14. Coca-Cola does not reduce male sperm count unless you ejaculate directly into an open can.

15. Elephants can't jump. Alright. Fine! You know you don't have to keep harping on it. They're beautiful creatures in their own right; you don't have to keep expecting them to live up to the standards of other animals. Lay off! I'd like to see a kangaroo tear down a tree, or a hare that can live for 80 years, or an antelope that can carry thousands of pounds. Just stop ripping into elephants because they can't fucking jump! Okay?! Besides, hovering six inches off the ground is totally awesome!

February 23, 2008

Memo to Gays: Stop Causing Earthquakes.

I will confess to having some irrational beliefs to which I cling despite the absence of any reliable evidence, or despite the presence of reliable contradictory evidence. Most of these fall in the category of mild personal delusions - gerbils love me, I am handsome and graceful, my erect penis is inhumanly large, etc... - standard stubborn stuff.

However, I'll never slip so far down the slope of obstinacy as to understand why someone like this MP from Israel can openly proclaim that his country's legislated acceptance of homosexual relationships has lead to earthquakes. From the BBC:

Shlomo Benizri, of the ultra-Orthodox Jewish Shas Party, said the tremors had been caused by lawmaking that gave "legitimacy to sodomy"....

Mr Benizri made his comments while addressing a committee of the Israeli parliament, or Knesset, about the country's readiness for earthquakes.

He called on lawmakers to stop "passing legislation on how to encourage homosexual activity in the state of Israel, which anyway brings about earthquakes".

"Shas", by the way, is Hebrew for "Yes. I am a fucking idiot."

Was that antisemitic? Well, I think most Jews probably shake their heads and hope for a little antisemitic energy to be directed specifically at this paranoid pustule.

This Shlomo of a bitch may represent some people in his country with his unorthodox orthodoxy, but you can't help but wonder who? The terrified, the control freaks, the sociopathic and the intellectually infirm would be my top guesses.

Nice to know that Israel also has its own Pat Robertsons. I take comfort in knowing that other countries have public figures that rule through fear and scapegoating. It means that other countries must have some horseshit educational institutions through which these fundamentalist demagogues also ooze, unenlightened by anything other than their own lust for power.

Hmmm... now that I've brought it up, has there been any other leader out there who also scapegoated homosexuals in the name of the public good?

Maybe. I think his name started with an "A" and rhymed with "gaydolf" - ironic as it may seem.

Interesting to see this is one Jew who goose-steps right along with Hitler's philosophy.

This is what you get when you listen to the fundamentalist genie spewing magical myths for too long. Get out now, children! There is a refuge. It's called your brain.

Use it.

Look around...

Do you see those two men holding hands in the park? Though their love may shake their very souls, what are the odds that it is also shaking the Earth's crust?

Is God mad at your country because you can't legally repress these heathen hand-holding homos? Does God love you and all those who purport to speak for him? If so, why doesn't God simply kill the offending gay couple? And all the other homosexuals? He's omniscient, right? Wouldn't that be a more logical solution?

Okay, that's enough being nice to this moron and his foollowers. (Intentional misspelling there.)

Here are some other things people of this ilk probably believe:

1. People who don't wash their hands before they eat create lightning.

2. Thinking about your genitals will cause the sun to set.

3. Clapping will bring a scantily-clad pixie back to life.

4. Licking a metal pole in freezing weather will cause the pole to ejaculate.

5. Talking to a prostitute will increase your home heating bill fifteen per cent.

6. Masturbation causes deserts.

7. Physical pleasure will prevent your car from starting.

8. Sexy underwear will lead to anteaters.

9. Not thinking about God will make your hair grow.

February 22, 2008

Pornos Frequently Have Gaping Plot Holes

In "Ass Fever #31", one of the many heroines visits her male doctor complaining of stomach cramps, congestion, headaches and frequent spells of dizziness. The doctor instructs his patient to disrobe, then, without even offering her a hospital gown to wear, he proceeds with a rather intense inspection of her person for approximately twelve minutes.

At no point during this medical exam does the doctor: 1) take the patient's pulse or blood pressure 2) inquire as to the nature of the discomfort she is experiencing with his investigation, except, oddly, in the affirmative - "I bet you like that, huh?" etc... or 3) talk about the history of the symptoms.

Worst of all, the doctor, despite the quite intimate nature of his ministrations, never washes his hands or puts on protective gloves or gear of any kind. Quite the opposite, he ends the exam wearing considerably less than when he started!

Though the exam seems to have helped his patient - we never do learn her name - and she leaves the room with a smile on her face. Incredibly, no diagnosis is ever given, no medicine prescribed, no instructions for self-care enumerated, and no actual follow-up appointment scheduled.

Both patient and doctor make a verbal agreement to "come here" more often, which might help remedy her unspecified illness, but you wouldn't know that by the rest of this confusing film. The movie next jumps to a pleasant enough pizza delivery interaction - albeit with three totally different, unnamed protagonists! - but, when the credits roll, we are left wondering about the anonymous patient's well-being.

Perhaps she suffered from one of the thirty-one feverish asses, but we'll never know.

As opaque and segmented as "Ass Fever #31" was, it told several stories relevant to today's world. The buxom patient sees a doctor. The chesty co-eds take delivery of a pizza. The top-heavy tourist gets some help applying sunblock. These simple, undeveloped stories resonate with the busty and leggy female in all of us.

Unfortunately, the same cannot be said for "Jizz Factory". One quickly begins to wonder what is made in this jizz factory, because, clearly, it is not a plot.

Whereas "Ass Fever #31" manages some meager exposition about the characters and their environment, "Jizz Factory" manufactures nothing more than grunting and moaning bereft of discernible context. Scene after scene, the viewer is dropped, in medias res, without even so much as an explanation from an omniscient narrator introducing these rutting hedonists.

It's possible, perhaps, to appreciate the scenes as post-modern "stories-without-words", but that may be seeing more than is there. Settings change from poolside cabana to back seat of a luxury car to the back room of a shoe store without even so much as a subtitle offering a glimpse into the lives of the characters. Most noteworthy about these various, disconnected settings would have to be that not one of them resembles anything vaguely industrial, much less a factory.

Who are these people? Where are they? What are they doing there? Why are they doing that?

These extremely basic plot points remain not only unresolved throughout this film but also unasked. It's as if the production team and actors saw storyline and character development as more of a burden than an opportunity, or thought they were communicating those elements on a totally different level.

Perhaps the incessant rub of "Jizz Factory" was, itself, the rub. Were these filmmakers telling a timeless story to which we, as viewers, are intimately aware, and, therefore, needs no introduction nor development, continuity or denouement? Was this a daring new way of demonstrating the endless human struggle for acceptance; something to which we are all so acquainted that the movie perfectly mirrors us all?

Indeed, are we the jizz factory?

I do not know; ultimately, the gaping plot holes left too much unanswered.

I will have to wait for those holes to be filled in "Jizz Factory #2", scheduled for release next week.

February 19, 2008

Let's Play "Captionationation" - The Write-Your-Own-Caption Sensation That's Sweeping The Nation! (that's where the name comes from)

The Game Whose Name Stands For The Write-Your-Own-Caption Sensation That's Sweeping The Nation!

I'll get the fun going with this first picture, and I'll supply a few of my own captions.

Then you, the humble reader, will try your hand at being a high school yearbook editor!

If you are an arrogant reader, you should first become humble, then submit your Captionationation caption.

If you are humble, but not a reader, do your best, dummy.

Here's the picture:

- Supporters cheer as John McCain demonstrates one more way he is a "presidential hopeful".

- "Oh, Mr. President, you're wearing pleats!"

- Groping for one hard vote.

- McCain approaches third base.

- Another roofie deftly used, President Bush hails a post-rave cab for himself and his new boyfriend.

- "Mr. President, you smell like eight years of failure."

- McCain and Bush convince everyone that gay marriage would truly be a horrible, horrible thing.

Alright, your turn. Captionationation away! Leave a comment with as many captions as you can muster.

February 18, 2008

How I Celebrate Presidents' Day

1. Call up all my favorite Presidents. Ask them to come over for gumdrops and air hockey.

2. Stuff a few Presidents' Day turkeys with firecrackers, wrap in brightly colored paper, dress up as a President, knock on doors at night, light firecrackers and throw one of these gifts into house, shouting "Trick!"

3. Pardon the dog.

4. Pay respects to dead Presidents by digging them up to say "Thank you."

5. Sign my kids' report cards, but append numerous signing statements to render bad grades defunct.

6. Invade the homes of much weaker neighbors. Occupy. Teach them the benefits of my absolute democracy.

7. Whip up a batch of my famous Presidential Creamed Wieners.

8. Assert a few "executive privileges" at the local singles bar.

9. Rejoice in the glorious diversity of all the old, upper-class, white men who have been President.

10. Escape to Canada to avoid the massive crowds at the malls.

11. Eat a big helping of impeach cobbler.

12. Repeatedly call the army. Ask: "Are you ready? You sure? Like super-ready, or just regular-ready?"

13. Implore local, regional and national leaders to designate the day before or the day after Presidents' Day as Vice-Presidents' Day, to remember and honor their service as the most significant insignificant human on the planet.

14. Call work, distraught. Tell boss I need the whole week off because I just heard about what happened to President Lincoln and President Kennedy and President McKinley and that other guy.

February 14, 2008

Other Names for Valentine's Day

The most... ummm... Valentiney of all the holidays, Valentine's Day, is revered the world over for its ability to make people cry.

As a selfless public servant, I've taken nearly five minutes to rename this holiday in a more honest fashion.

1. Red Paper Crap Day

2. Forced Romance Day

3. Can Buy Me Love Day

4. Fake Inclusive Affection For Even The Loser Kids In Class Day

5. Pretending To Care Day

6. Stalkertopia

7. Sentiment Gestapo Day

8. Veiled Bitterness Day

9. Unnecessary Purchases Day

10. Remembrance Of Shames Past Day

11. Lame, Compulsory Guilt Day

12. Amorous Extortion Day

13. Saint Fucking Bullshit's Day

February 13, 2008

Randomize Your Reading Experience on A Play A Day & Lysteria

Writing plays and silliness as I do means that you can read many of the posts on this blog without being constrained by context. Most of the plays and lists stand on their own. Not all stand tall... do not read play #56 for instance... but most can stand alone without being tied to a previous play or list. Therefore, they can be read alone*.

To that end, I've added the Random Post link on the top right. Go ahead, click away. I've got over 660 posts to peruse.

Peruse all you want.

I'll keep writing.

(* - or with a loved one^)

(^ - yes, this includes your probation officer#)

(# - by 'probation officer', it's understood that I mean your mother>)

(> - 'mother' being loosely applied to any mammal)

February 11, 2008

Unfortunate Dicks

1. Swett

2. Shaft

3. King

4. Richards

5. Short

6. Spitz

7. Pease

8. Punch

9. Small

10. Bender

11. Peale

12. Kutz

13. Little

14. Flatten

15. Tripper

16. Ball

17. Lich

18. Head

19. Chubb

20. Messing

21. Vader

22. Cheney

23. Krakken

24. Burns

25. Powers

(My apologies to those Dicks with names such as these. Please go by "Richard".)

February 8, 2008

I Shall Construct an Unstoppable Superbeing Out of Chocolate Ice Cream!

They have foiled my schemes for the last time. I have been too nice. Too nice.

Never again will they be able to look aside and snicker when I enter the room. I will be noticed. I will be respected. I will be feared. I will be worshiped! I will be their downfall!

I will be the destroyer of all!

This time, this time, they've tangled with me one time too many. This time.

I will devise a plan for their demise. A device, a weapon. Yes, a weapon. No, a robot!

A robot that cannot be destroyed. It should appear harmless. It must be something that they would not suspect, even something that they would admire.

Something like a stereo, or a computer. No. Too complicated. All those circuits and gears to mechanize an appliance.

No, no... it must be... not a robot. Not a robot at all. Too mechanical. Not tricky at all. Robots never really appear harmless. Plus, I'm not good with screwdrivers and electricity.

Everyone suspects a robot.

What was I thinking?

It has to be something... something organic. Yes.

Something that can be animated by a mere encounter with excessive gamma radiation. Something that will come to life. That will be irresistible but invincible.

And... and... yes! Yes! I've got it! Something they want for themselves. Something they would even eat!

A cupcake, or tater tot, or... hah! Chocolate ice cream!

I will, nay... I shall construct an unstoppable superbeing out of chocolate ice cream.

Gamma rays... gamma rays... ah, right! Under my bed. That's where I left them!

Now... the ice cream. To the freezer!

The plan is too perfect. I shall leave unconquerable bowls of animated chocolate ice cream all over town!

On street corners!
In public bathrooms!
In study hall!
The locker room!

My evil foes will find it, and quickly consume it. But! The joke shall be on them. Or, in them!

My chocolate ice cream superbeing will, on my command, come to life and destroy my enemies from within!

It will quickly shred them from the inside with its sugary malevolence.

Note: I must remember to leave spoons in the bowls.

And, now, the ice cream... to begin the animation procedure...

Huh? What?! Oh no! No! No!!! Noooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!

Where's the chocolate ice cream? There was a whole carton here this morning!

What? What party? She did not! No!

I need that ice cream, Mom! I can't believe you let Cindy take it to her stupid slumber party!

What? Are you crazy?! Do you not even realize...?

No! Yes, I see it, but... no! No! No, Mom!

Because vanilla just won't work, that's why!!

Oh, despair. When will the torment end?

Okay... okay... patience. I must be patient. Keep your eyes on the goal. This is a small setback.

For now. For now, I must retreat to my lair.

I can wait.

I can wait.

I... can... wait.

February 6, 2008

Aside from Cooked Pasta, Here Are Some Other Things I Threw Against the Wall To See If They Would Stick, And What Each Signifies.

1. Alarm Clock: If it sticks, then it's time to get up.

2. Pregnant Woman: Sticking means the baby is done cooking. (Make sure pregnant woman sticks with exit ramp facing downward.)

3. Tennis Ball: If it sticks, do not play tennis with this ball, or get a less sticky wall.

4. Ideas: If they stick, rub head against the wall until ideas re-enter your brain. Do not lick them off the wall lest you swallow all your good ideas.

5. Magnet: If it sticks, check to see if the wall is actually an enormous refrigerator.

6. Clean Laundry: If it sticks, you don't have to put your clothes away.

7. Clown Mime: If it sticks, remove. Clean off wall-mounted spears. Repeat.

8. Garbage Can filled with Liquid Nitroglycerin: If it sticks, walk away. Slowly.

9. Eggs: If they stick... mmmm... wall eggs.

10. Door: If it sticks, exit.

11. Love: If it sticks, could this be the wall you've been waiting for?! The wall for you... after all these years? C'mon... buy it some flowers or something!

February 5, 2008

There Oughta Be a Law!

I believe the world would be a better place if we enacted some common sense legislation.

A few of my proposals:

1. Canada geese mate monogamously, pairing up at sexual maturity and never deviating from their choice of partner. People must also mate with only one goose for life.

2. Roofs are hereby required to face the sky.

3. Vehicles must have blinking quotation marks around both the left and right indicator lights to clarify when the driver is kidding about making a turn, or when the driver does make a turn but in an ironic manner.

4. We will get rid of prisons, and instead require violent criminals to have highly-visible Surgeon General's warnings tattooed to their faces. For example: "Caution: Prolonged exposure to this individual may result in repeated stabbing and/or strangulation."

5. All automatic doors must open fast enough to allow people to enter without altering their walking pace or, failing that, they must be able to teleport you to the other side of the door safely.

6. Use of the word "incent" as a verb is punishable by immediate, gross, public capital punishment.

7. Gerbils are no longer allowed to drive, alone or in teams. Porpoises may still drive scooters, but only under forty miles per hour.

February 4, 2008

How Conservative Am I?

1. I believe that women should not be given the freedom of reproductive, inductive, deductive or seductive choice.

2. I believe taxes may only be used for defending our great nation against all enemies, or ideas of enemies, or ideas toward which I have enmity.

3. I believe the Bible should be allowed in public schools; in fact, all public schools should be constructed out of Bibles.

4. I believe your patriotism is directly proportional to the size of your truck.

5. I believe all people should be able to arm themselves heavily and sit quietly in their homes. Waiting. Always waiting.

6. I believe you wouldn't object to the government's Thought Projection Brain Interceptor chip unless you had something to hide.

7. I believe it's patriotic to agree with the President provided the President is conservative.

8. I believe in absolute freedom for everyone who knows I can be the only one to have absolute freedom.

9. I believe war is fucking awesome.

February 1, 2008

Why Is America So Fat?

1. Because Maryland just won't stop eating.

2. The country just sits around on its Texas butt all day, incapable of even getting up off the Mexico to change the channel.

3. Unsuccessful attempt to lose a few states in the 1860s still lingering painfully in its subconscious, creating a sense of hopelessness.

4. High-calorie laws cheaper and easier to pass.

5. Uses its financial resources to pay other countries to fight its wars.

6. Hides excess crops in dresser drawer "just in case".

7. Psychological stress has only increased since the country saw a reflection in the Pacific Ocean of its huge Louisiana Purchass.

8. Eats up just about any garbage the rest of the world throws its way.

9. Spends most days imperialistically consuming entire countries without even reading the ingredients.

10. Economic binge/purge cycle leaves country unsatisfied, seeks guaranteed caloric solace.

11. Diet regulations work for a couple months but then leave it more heavily regulated than when it started.