December 25, 2010

A Poem That I Wrote on Christmas That Has Nothing to Do With Christmas (as far as I can tell)


My mom was born in 1947
on the leading edge of years
when women launched babies
from powder kegs and claimed
the bombs men dropped
a couple years before

It was a boom

There was nothing about this time
that meant so much to them, no
such constant demography,
obsessive introspection,
color graphs in unread

Just a boom

Babies wailing to drown out
the agony of soldiers,
their families,
their countries,
their homes

And boom

December 19, 2010

More Jokes for the Very Serious

A naked woman walks into a bar followed by a bighorn sheep.  She is carrying half a zucchini and a parrot.

She cries to the bartender, "You gotta help.  This bighorn sheep has been following me around all day, and now, it attacked me and ate all my clothes and half this zucchini!"

The bartender asks her, "What's the parrot for?"

The naked woman says, "Companionship."

A man dies and goes to Heaven.  He gets to the gates and finds a person named Steve checking people in.

"Where's St. Peter?" asks the man.

Steve tells him that St. Peter gets off work at 5 p.m.

The man says, "Oh."  He also notices that the gates are much more bronze than pearl.  He wonders why people have been so misinformed about something that basic.

Six guys walk into a bar.  Over the course of many beers, they each take a trip to the bathroom.  The last man to do so returns to the table and says, "Man, you guys really did stink up the men's room!"  

They laugh because it's true, and this last guy has changed into women's clothing for no discernible reason.  

So, his friends are also laughing because of their discomfort with the situation.

One of them comments that he likes the color of his high heels, and then the night ends with a lot of silence and disbelief.

A tiny cat approaches a pit bull and claws at the dog's nose.  The pit bull says, "That was unkind."  The cat apologizes and realizes that it was, indeed, unkind.  It was also unnecessary.  The cat feels great shame.

A giraffe and turtle are talking after work.  The turtle has to shout to be heard by the giraffe, but she doesn't mind because the giraffe is a good friend.  The giraffe tells the turtle that he can't make it to the turtle's party the next night.

"Why not?!" shouts the turtle.

"I have to visit my aunt in the hospital.  She had a stroke," replies the giraffe.

"I'm sorry to hear that!" the turtle bellows. "I had a stroke once!"

"Really?" asks the giraffe.

"Yes!  But you probably couldn't tell because I'm very far away from you and walk slowly and awkwardly even when in the best of health," answered the turtle.

"That's true," notes the giraffe.

Sadly, the giraffe's aunt died a week later.

A Jew and a young black man bump into each other on the sidewalk.  The young black man works in finance and the Jew is a rapper, because you are not expecting that.

A man and a woman are trapped on a desert island.  Neither of them can figure out why it is called a desert island when there are abundant sources of food and fresh water within its interior.  They think that it's an injustice and vow to change the public's perception of this island should they ever get rescued.

One day, a bottle washes up on the beach, but neither of them sees it because they usually sleep under palm trees in the hot afternoon.  Anyway, it's no big deal, because it's just a bottle.  It is washed out to sea by shifting evening winds and low tide.

A teenage boy enters a drug store.  He boldly steps to the counter and asks for a box of extra large condoms, but then when they are rung up, he realizes that he doesn't have enough money.  So he asks if they have any used condoms he can buy at a discount.

The clerk laughs loudly and says that no one sells used condoms.  The young man leaves embarrassed, but he resolves to pursue this new business possibility.

During a party at her boyfriend's house, and young woman gets drunk and falls asleep in the bathtub.  People take pictures of her sleeping in the tub and post them on the internet and type things like "LOL!!!!" as captions.  

It is truly enlightening.

December 18, 2010

Brendon Writes 11 New Jokes for the Very Serious

Joke #1:
Three guys walk into a bar and order a pizza. The bartender tells them that they don't serve pizza. The three guys leave the bar and walk into another bar and order a pizza, but that bar also doesn't serve pizza. They leave, feeling increasingly frustrated.

Joke #2:
A man visits a prostitute. After having sex, he realizes that he has left his wallet at home. The prostitute gets upset and demands that he call someone at his home and have the wallet delivered there. The man then realizes that he doesn't have cash in his wallet anyway, but he does remember the number and expiration date of his American Express card. The prostitute doesn't take American Express. They are at a very awkward impasse.

Joke #3:
A priest, a rabbi and a goat are debating the nature of God. This debate is being broadcast on the radio. You are listening, and the whole time you can't believe how eloquent that goat is.

Joke #4:
A teacher asks his class why Abraham Lincoln issued the Emancipation Proclamation. Several students give decent answers, but the only black child in the class feels like the teacher is looking at him the whole time.

Joke #5:
A dead baby is found in a dumpster in a bad part of town. Everyone agrees that this is very tragic and probably also symbolic of something deeply wrong with our society.

Joke #6:
A boy tries to kiss Helen Keller which really surprises her because she didn't even know he was there. It turns out that this boy never was very good at communicating. Years later, in her memoirs, Ms Keller would remark on the irony of this situation.

Joke #7:
A drunk man walks into a crowded funeral home and pulls down his pants. Thankfully, a cool-headed police officer who happens to be attending the wake is able to quickly escort the man from the building before any further embarrassment occurs. The drunk man is arrested and charged with several misdemeanors. As of this writing, the case is still waiting to be processed by an overburdened court system.

Joke #8:
A blonde woman wearing a bikini is hitchhiking along the interstate. She gets picked up by three fraternity brothers. They are so charmed by her physical appearance that they drive ten miles out of their way to get her to her destination. Not once during the trip does anyone ask why the woman is only wearing a bikini and hitchhiking on a federal highway, though it seems like it should be cause for some concern.

Joke #9:
Your momma is so fat that I'm going to give her the number of a registered dietitian who should be able to help her lose weight. Can you keep me posted as to whether or not she follows up?

Joke #10:
A gay guy is showering at the local health club. Another man enters the shower area. This man is probably more accurately described as bi-curious. They talk about a television show they both enjoy. One of these guys is named Wendell, but I can't remember which one.

Joke #11:
A teenage boy and girl are on their first date. They go to a movie that they both want to see. The boy is so nervous he spills his soda in his lap. Now, his pants are sticky and smell like Dr. Pepper. If he were smoother, he might have asked the girl to help him clean his pants, but he understands that "smoother," in this case, would be a synonym for sexist and disrespectful.