11 Things Involving My Shoe Which Probably Happened Last Month

1. My shoe was found in the vegetable crisper drawer in the refrigerator. It didn't know how it got there or why it wasn't at least wearing a scarf.

2. My shoe rejected the constraints placed upon it by a wickedly pro-lace society.

3. My shoe knew where my foot was going before my foot started to go there, and it was the other foot.

4. My shoe begged me to talk about its feelings, but it's fooled me with that one before.

5. My shoe did something about which it is not proud even as it blames me for doing it.

6. My shoe stole one of my dreams with a very large gun.

7. My shoe had "no comment" for the press.

8. My shoe pretended to have a head so it could pretend to have a headache so it could stay home and work on its blueprints.

9. My shoe complained about its "cruel and grotesque" working conditions.

10. My shoe had an unsatisfactory religious conversion.

11. My shoe claimed it never even saw the dog poop. Then it snickered.

Some Ways Life Would Be Different If You Had A Tiger Instead Of A Cat

 You are dumb.  You own a cat.  Probably two or three.  Stupid.  Your life would be better if you doubled-down and brought a tiger into your home or apartment or recreational vehicle.  Here's how.

1 - It would take care of your house cat infestation.

2 - If you let them get hungry enough, they are capable of cleverly feeding themselves.

3 - Surprisingly good at tax preparation. 

4 - You'll get millions of hits when you post an adorbz vid on LOLcats of teh kitteh playing with its first dead bird, except replace "bird" with "son" or "neighbor" or "animal control officer."

5 - Little cats can't play the drums in your garage rock band.  Neither can a tiger, but you'll let him anyway.

6 - All the raw, weak, aged wildebeest you can eat.  (Standard shipping rates apply.)

7 - A couple hypodermic extractions away from reaping a fortune from Charlie Sheen.

8 - Neighbor's annoying dog suddenly convinced that barking isn't a great idea after all.

9 - Street-legal, eco-friendly mode of transportation.

Days On Which I'm Not Shuffling And Why

1) Tuesday - This day has always been reserved for moping.

2) Saturday - I'm not going to shuffle on Saturdays just because everyone else is shuffling that day. I have my integrity and will not be just another shuffling sheep.

3) Days when I have a gold-painted cardboard box on my head that makes me look like a sci-fi robot from the early 1950s - My vision is severely limited on such days making shuffling hazardous.

4) Sunday - I dare not taunt Mr. Jesus.

5) Wednesday - It's hard to explain, but this day has never felt right for shuffling. You know what I mean?

6) Days heretofore not explicitly denoted - I reserve the right to refrain from shuffling on any other day not listed above, at my sole discretion.