June 21, 2007

Death Has An Image Problem

People do it every day. They die. Yet, no matter how routine or foreseen the death, we humans just can't get over it. Are we to blame the fraility of our emotions? The permanence of the loss? Neither.

We must blame death and its shitty public relations program. Death has a distinct image problem. Something can be done to put a new sheen on the shackles of mortality, however. Here are some suggestions.

1. Grim Reaper absolutely must wear sunglasses.

2. We most greatly fear what we don't understand; therefore, death should be made available on a trial basis.

3. We must teach about death at a young age. If you have extra children you're not using, consider sacrificing one to educate the rest.

4. Death should come in different flavors with radical names like Bustin' Bashed Head Berry , Crazy CranCancer or Trippin' Tubularculosis Tea.

5. Christmas and birthdays are great for one reason; people should also get a lot of presents when they die.

6. More buxom celebrity spokesmodels.

7. Free coffin days once a month will give people a deadline to shoot for and the good feeling that comes when you know you've saved a bunch of cash.

8. Cemeteries should be situated inside popular amusement parks.

9. Consider offering death on an installment plan: you would simply die a little bit more every month until fully dead.

10. Be prepared! Always remind your children and loved ones that you may die that day. The more you remind them, the better prepared they will be. I recommend at least once every thirty seconds.

11. Find a death mentor. Consider death mentoring a child in your neighborhood, or volunteering with Big Dead Brothers / Big Dead Sisters.

12. Considering forming a social institution founded on the myth that you will never really die if you believe in certain things.

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