June 25, 2007

Why I'm Excited About Your Frequent Excessive Drinking

1. With all the empty bottles we're returning for the deposit, it's like we're saving a ton of money at the liquor store every day.

2. Obviously, our relationship is so fulfilling that it should, indeed must, be celebrated with eight or nine or so romantic glasses of wine every night.

3. It's a lot cheaper than frequent excessive shooting up.

4. We recycle a lot more now, which is great for the planet.

5. It's always heartwarming to see someone honor their German ancestry so completely.

6. Because sobriety cruelly opressed your inner beauty, wit and dancing ability from being shared with large crowds of people you hardly know.

7. Really has strengthened your social connections with other well-balanced, influential heavy drinkers.

8. Yes, I was extremely curious about what you ate for lunch. Thank you for showing me.

9. Should I ever need to survive by eating your carcass, I will be reminded how thoughtful you were to have pre-marinated your liver for me.

10. It's very important to support our local bar economy.

11. I feel much more at peace with the world now that you have so loudly relieved me of the burden of many of my most intimate secrets.

12. You used to waste so much valuable time trying to make yourself look and smell presentable.

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