December 23, 2008

Great Gifts for Stupid Christmas That My Stupid Parents or Stupid Santa Never Gave Me

I was a very good kid. I rarely got in trouble. Straight A's. No drugs ingested or dealt. Clean room. Meticulous mower of lawns. Student leader. Athlete. Awkward enough to keep the dangerous girls away.

Yet, I never got these items that were on my wish list for stupid Christmas nearly every stupid year.

Why? What more did I need to do?

Stupid parents.

Stupid Santa.

Why so stupid?

Here's a compilation of awesome gifts unsent, unreceived, un-unwrapped over the years.

1. A bee who didn't play by the book, or the rules, or the rules in the book and solved crimes his own way (Bonus: One week from retirement)

2. Tickle-Me-Adolf (Bonus: Beachwear limited edition)

3. Saliva in party flavors (Bonus: Daisy Duke-endorsed)

4. A rookie bee who did everything by the book to be paired with #1. (Bonus: Crisp suit and tie)

5. iwillsurvivePod (Bonus: 1979 version, about 22 years before it hit the market. It came with both of Gloria Gaynor's hits and a touch disco ball interface.)

6. The rotting entrails of my vanquished foe (Bonus: Mysterious third kidney)

7. Blissful contentment (Bonus: Trial pack of contentful blissment)

8. Horsey! (Bonus: Horsie! Bonus-Bonus: Whorsey! (Actually the same horse in a miniskirt and highhoof shoes))

9. Some of Canada (Bonus: Timber rights)

10. Perfect understanding of the vagaries of the human condition (Bonus: Came with Space Invaders)

11. Bonuses (Bonus: Bonus)

12. A bee who didn't give a damn about you or your town - a bee who was beyond and above the law (Bonus: Tiny pack of cigs rolled in his sleeve)

December 15, 2008

Why Brendon Etter Is Only Able To Listen To The Hold Steady

Medical science has offered no definitive reason, though I paid the bastards enough (grrr sound, grrr sound), but I will venture a few guesses as to why I cannot stop listening to The Hold Steady.

1. The Hold Steady have laced their music with "eargluons" - subatomic music particles emitted from speakers which stick to your auditory passages and itch like hell unless vibrated at precisely the correct holdsteady frequency.

2. Nothing else to do because my friends are all dying or already dead.

3. Makes me feel good about my awkward physicality to listen to a band whose members are all uniformly uglier than me.

4. I'm trying to make The White Stripes jealous so Jack and Meg will play my birthday party.

5. Desperately hoping they'll eventually cover that awesome "Christmas Shoes" song.

6. I got bored when I didn't have a band, and I still don't, so I listen to one instead. It helps a little - now I'm bored but happy.

7. Presently unaware that any other music has ever been crafted by the human species.

8. I'm too jittery. Need constant exposure to learn how to Hold Steady.

9. I'm sure, like everything else in the Minneapolis / St. Paul metropolitan area, I get my name dropped in at least one of their songs. Must keep listening to hear it.

10. Also the name of my favorite hairspray.

11. Makes me think of beef jerky and cocaine. I love beef jerky and cocaine!

December 7, 2008

Some Excuses I Am Allowing You To Use For Free The Next Time You Are Stopped By The Cops

You may use any of the following excuses during your next traffic stop without having to pay me any royalties. I offer these as a free public service.

1. "You don't understand, officer, the ghost of President Gerald Ford was standing in the middle of the road. He was holding a balloon and wearing a grass skirt, but he did not look happy."

2. "Do you mean to tell me I violated a law that was written almost five years ago? Surely, it's past its freshness date and is, therefore, invalid."

3. "I was under the impression that the road was more of a suggestion - one of many possible routes to use when driving past the elementary school."

4. "Certainly, I never would have driven like that had I known you might take offense."

5. "It seems that you have singled me out among so many drivers with the obvious intention of not telling me I've won a sweepstakes of some kind, and I'm just supposed to believe you are not being prejudiced against me?"

6. "Nice tits, sir."

7. "None of my surviving passengers seem to be complaining, officer."

8. "I do want to 'step out the car', as you say, sir, but I'm afraid that the instantaneous, magnetic attraction between the two of us will make stopping at just that one step toward you nearly impossible."

9. "Yes, Scientology will work wonders for you too. Would you like a brochure?"

10. "Do you have any idea how fast you were following me?"

11. "I'm extremely wealthy."

12. "Seriously, there are so very, very many laws. I find it hard to follow them all. Don't you?"

13. "I will agree that I appear to have committed an infraction, and I will even agree to being ticketed, but only if you'll help me get rid of this awful "decomposing-corpse-in-my-trunk" smell that's been stinking up my car ever since I picked up that hitchhiker outside my brothel - meth lab - weapons repository compound a few weeks ago."

14. "Thank God you stopped me, officer, now I have time to change my diaper."

15. "Is it a ticket you want to give me, or is it a hug?"

16. "Flying hippo! Duck!"

December 4, 2008

If I Were Naming The St. Olaf Christmas Festival

One of the more Christianesque colleges in my town, puts on a big whopping Christmas concert every year. So many people want to see it that, invariably, dozens of eager prospective audience members are trampled to death by even more eager prospective audience members in the crush for tickets.

Joke's on the squished and the squishers though. Turns out, even if you do manage to get in to see this fabled concert, you only get to hear church music!


The very thing they spent most of their childhoods trying so hard to avoid has turned around and pulled them in with a quickness and a sickness. To wit, three-plus hours of slowly-modulating dirges blur forward with nary a kick-drum flourish or guitar solo. The year I saw this massive mass, security dragged me from my seat when I threw my underwear onto the conductor's dais.

I'm not bitter about it though. It was the only sound strategy I could devise to get past the entranced throngs and out the door, and it was all of my underwear - even the old pairs I use to polish furniture. Also, I did have a sneaking suspicion that raising my lighter and shouting for "Radar Love" might have irked some.

You'd think everyone would figure out what they will be subjected to by the concert titles. Here's a sampling of the high-minded appelations of some recent shows:

Love Divine, Illumine Our Darkness
O Come To Us Abide With Us Our Lord Immanuel
Where Peace and Love and Hope Abide
Dawn of Redeeming Grace

All this abiding and luminescence stimulated some thought that this show might draw in more unsuspecting attendees if they were a little more circumspect in their naming. Why not try these concert titles on for size?

1. Bring It / Sing It!
2. The Lowercase T Chronicles
The Larynx Strikes Back
4. Chorgasm
5. One Gym Tour '09
6. Topless 'n Bottomless - No Soprano, No Bass
7. Diaphragmorama
Jesus! H! Christ!
9. Kickin' It Old Old Old Old Old Old School
10. Crushing Melody
11. A Warhol Film For Voice
12. Naptime For Grandpa
13. The Flavorless Desolation Of Divine Love
14. Off With Their Robes!
15. Once More Without Feeling
16. Saw V: The Concert

November 19, 2008

If The Meek Shall Inherit The Earth, What About The Rest Of Us?

In the fine print of Jesus's Sermon on the Mount, the following stipulations were found that clarify who gets what in the world. This is seen by historians and actual people as important for some unknown reason, most likely because it's coming from Jesus or his team of strategists or his lawyers - presumably his contract law subcommittee.

Anyway, I reprint it here to help you understand what you stand to gain. When you stand to gain it, however, remains, at present, an unresolved issue between you and Jesus's attorneys.

1. The Audacious get Uranus.
2. The Sleepless get Waffles.
3. The Fervent get High Humidity.
4. The Fallow get Hungry.
5. The Procrastinators get some Detroit suburbs.
6. The Lonely get Annoying Poetry.
7. The Trenchant get Irony.
8. The Portly get Clown Make Up.
9. The Stupid get Nothing.
10. The Ridiculous get Lots Of Socks.
11. The Button-Nosed get Unguents.
12. The Isolated get The Power To Bend Syrup.
13. The Undead get A Li'l Bit Funky.

November 6, 2008


What Would Jesus Do Over?

1. His latest strawberry flan - tasted "plasticy"

2. Cross dismount - was not able to stick the landing like he knows he can

3. Love - pretty sure he's missing something in the formula

4. Walking on water - felt too show-offish

5. Myrrh addiction - should have recognized the symptoms at an early age

6. The Golden Rule - add an "especially if you claim to be one of my followers" clarification

7. Frat selection - could've been in DPK if he'd let up on the "covetousness" moralizing

8. Changing water to wine - you think he'd have learned from the myrrh problems

9. Christianity - in need of an escape clause

October 28, 2008

Brendon Etter Reveals The Horrible Truth About His Opponents

My friends, I want to speak to you very seriously about a very serious issue in this very serious campaign.

An issue I have somewhat stoically and altogether heroically refrained from addressing these many months.

You see, I thought that this campaign could be about the issues that really matter: me, my smokiness, my sensuality, my brilliant ideas, and my smoky sensuality.

Sadly, my friends, we can no longer afford the luxury of winning this campaign on the content of my sensual character. The landscape has changed. Votes I thought I could count on are now hanging chads in the tossed salad of democracy.

My opponents, my friends, my opponents are crafty and entirely unscrupulous in their manipulation of the electorate. But ask yourself this: "Do I really know who these two other candidates are?"

Chances are you, my friends, don't.

Oh, sure, you who know who they say they are, but what do you know of these two pretenders - these interlopers, these non-Brendons - to my eventual mayorship?

Very little. That's because they're hiding something. They're covering something up.

They are throwing a creamy dressing on top of that tossed democracy salad.

And that creamy dressing, my friends, is ranch.

Yes, my friends, I must come out and disclose that which my opponents do not want you to know.

They are white!

Both of them.

My decision to break this story, my friends, was made with a heavy heart. I do it only to protect your interests.

I liken it to playing a game of poker. I have my hand. I know I can win if I play it right, but my opponents have aces up their sleeves. They're holding out on you, the voter!

So, frustrated by their secretive, distrustful ways, I slap down my cards, get up from the table, and go to the fridge. When I come back to the game, I serve them notice that, from that point on, I will be eating Race Chips, drinking Race Beer, and smoking Race Cigars, but I will only be playing the No-Race Card.

My foes have cunningly avoided mentioning their race this entire time. Can they be trusted, my friends? Did they expect us to just believe they had a race of some sort? Clearly, they don't, and I need everyone to understand that.

I respect my future constituency too much to let you all be drooling suckers (again) for the lie that they were not untelling. Don't fall into that trap, my friends, into the phony appeal for racial understanding; for with my opponents, there can be no racial understanding.

They are simply not racial.

I hope now, my friends, you can see my challengers for who they really are.

Two white people.

Thank you, my friends, for listening.

October 23, 2008

Brendon Etter Changes His Name To Spread Democracy

Leading comely write-in candidate for Mayor, Brendon Etter, has legally changed the spelling of his name.

His obsessively punctual and litigious campaign manager, Britt Ackerman, LLC, NDP, OMG, announced before a crowded crowd of people, "His Candidacy would like it known that his name can now be officially spelled 'x' or '✔'."

"This should greatly simplify voting for your average Joe Six-Pack or Sally Smokes-Too-Much," continued Ackerman, her eyes aflare with a zombied passion for the One True Candidate.

"Brendon feels that far too many voters will have too little time to spend in the voting booth. Writing out His full name will be detrimental to Brendon's chances; so we opted to change it to either 'x' or '✔', both will work."

"We need to make democracy accessible to everyone who can vote for our candidate," opined Ackerman, "we need people to vote for Brendon through any means necessary!"

"Also, we, as a campaign, want to make it clear that even really dumb people should vote. People who can't be trusted to spell a proper name. We have to appeal to dumb people; they're such a huge, stupid part of the electorate."

Brendon Etter was quick to point out that his original name would also still work on the ballot.

According to Etter, "I'm sure there are a few bright people out their who can properly spell. It would be wrong to not give them a chance to prove their smartousness."

Ackerman weighed in to tell the assembled throng of a reporter that, "Even when spelled 'x' or '✔', the name is still pronounced 'Brendon Etter'. We can't give up the mellifluity of two such inspirationally juxtaposed words."

September 21, 2008

Brendon Etter Finds the Blame and Gets Back in the Game

I'm back.

It has been a long struggle these past four weeks. Because I had drifted apart from that which I love - myself, myself becoming the Mayor - it seemed like even longer. Four weeks... and a day... maybe.

Let's not focus on the details.

At times, I thought I would never get back to campaigning. I'd look around me, at all I had to do to pull this community out of its shitbox of corruption, and I'd cry.

Why!? Why!? I'd scream to the sky. Why have I been cursed with this unending hope and ability and sexiness, with these essential qualities of hopeful and effective and sexy leadership?!

(I actually wouldn't scream that last part to the sky. That would be a lot of screaming. Mostly, I'd just scream "why" at the sky, then think the rest toward the sky, loudly.)

No one ever gave me an answer.

Finally, one night, I realized that all candidates go through this phase of doubt and worry. I realized that it was natural, and, moreover, I realized it wasn't my fault!

It's Britt Ackerman's, LLC, MFP, ODB, fault.

She's my campaign manager, but I don't see any yard signs up around town. No debates being arranged. No supportive letters to the editor in the local paper. No fatted swine being spit-roasted over aged hickory fires. No cocaine-fueled raves with topless supermodels for me to deny participating in.

I mean, what does she do all day, this campaign manager of mine?

What am I not paying her for?

Sure, she's a "lawyer" and an "underwater munitions expert" and an "itinerant sex therapist" and a "friend to walruses everywhere", but where has she been in this campaign?

And why does she always smell like yogurt?

We may never know.

I do know this - the mayoral campaign is down to three contestants now: me and the two eventual losers.

Will Britt Ackerman be able to rally her walrus legions to my side? What of the poor men who can no longer rise to the occasion on their own, will Britt be able to pull them out? Will Britt blow up the bridge in time to save the town from less-qualified, less-sultry politicians? Will she lawyer something?

Only time will tell, but I can tell you that I feel better having named it and blamed it.

Now let's get out there and run a respectable, responsible campaign for me, Britt; I'm kinda busy with other things.


August 23, 2008

Brendon Etter Takes a Moment from Campaigning to Deliver A Heartfelt Message of Olympic Inspiration

When in the course of my often superhuman events, I can lose track of the simple things and people in the world.

The glory of a sporting spectacle like the Olympics reminds me of how meaningless this mayoral contest seems when compared to the valor of amateur athletic competition of such magnificent caliber.

Often I feel as if the Olympics inspire me often nearly as much as I do.

They don't actually, but they come close.

So, as a community, I am asking that Northfield come together around the uplifting narrative of this international contest and put all petty political contests aside for the duration of the events in Beijing.

Can't we enjoy the collective artistry of the world's greatest athletes and competitors without sinking into the mire of wretched political potshots?

I know I can.

I doubt my miserable bastard opponents will.

Because they suck.

They're just ugly dickwads who engage in playground name-calling and bullying.

Sadly, they also want to continue to subject Northfielders to the photocopied pablum they pass off as platforms.

I won't stoop under their low, low bars for human behavior and interaction.

I am a candidate for mayor precisely because I can bring change and a new enlightened age to local politics by focusing on only the positive aspects of...

What.... ?


The Olympics are...

They're done?

Like in another day, and that's it?

Ahhh... fuck this then.

August 15, 2008

Brendon Etter Speaketh. You Listeneth. Video with Brendon Ineth It.

Video! You've heard of that, right? It's all over the Inter Wide Compu Web! I do not have the time to explain how it works, but I swear that I'm moving(!) in the little picture window on my computer machine!

This is called "video," or, more scientifically, "compuvideopictureshow." It's real! It's here! It's me!

Thanks to a visibly distraught, nearly terrified, Bonnie Obremski, and her technical-ologist, Raul, my moving image has been subtly rendered for over 9 minutes! (She promised me 10 minutes, but then again, she probably wouldn't have been able to hold herself back if she stayed around much longer. I have that effect on women.)

While she very cleverly cut out the parts where she spoke about her desperate battle with air addiction and where you could actually hear her copious drooling, I thought Bonnie handled herself bravely in the face of my unrelenting good looks.

Raul, on the other hand, comported himself in a manner most unpleasant, constantly asking when he could leave, and trying to peek down Bonnie's shirt. None too couth, that man.

I'll let the video speak for itself, or rather I will speak on the video itself, or rather it will be me on the video myself speaking.

Check it here. And by "check", I mean "click". You know like, "click yourself, before you dick yourself... over."

In other news:

Sorry for the campaign silence recently. I have been hampered by the complicated firing and rehiring of my longtime campaign strategist and sandwich artist, Britt Ackerman, LLC, SST, OMG.

I have many bits of information to share in articles that remain within my queue, and you will have to wait until I am ready to spring them upon you. Why? Because I don't expect you to be able to handle too much glory at once, and I'd rather not be responsible for "shock-and-awesome" syndrome among the hoi polloi.

Still waiting on yard signs. Make your reservation for one, two or more than one right here in the comments section. I'm toying with many different varieties, all bearing slogans a cowardly politician wouldn't dare touch.

I will try my damnedest to get this video phenomenon installed on the yard signs.

The public demands it!

Go away now.

Thank me.

I'm welcome.

August 8, 2008

Brendon Etter Fires His Chief Campaign Adviser

In Northfield today, improbably gorgeous leading write-in mayoral candidate, Brendon Etter, shocked the world.

He has fired long-time campaign adviser, strategist and mini-golf enthusiast, Britt Ackerman, LLC, TNT, ICUP, in a shake up of his dominant candidacy.

"Britt just wasn't working out any longer," a brave Etter reported.

"Sure, our campaign is trouncing the others, we have no chance of losing come November, but I don't see that as a reason to rest on our laurels."

"I worked my ass off for that beautiful, glorious bastard," said a visibly shaken Ackerman before being whisked away to an undisclosed meditation compound on a bulletproof black scooter.

Etter would not go into detail as to the nature or reasons of the dismissal, except to say that Ackerman seemed "unwilling to humiliate our opponents to the fullest extent possible."

"I can't accept such well-meaning complacency," Etter declared.

"Britt's work for our campaign was solid, but we need something solider than solid. Something supersolid even. I don't want to get too metaphorical, because Britt's a real diamond, but we need a diamond encased in another diamond inside an elephant that knows how to kickbox while wearing a suit of diamond-clad armor."

"Britt wasn't willing to rise to that level. Naturally, therefore, we had to separate ourselves from her."

Etter indicated this action may have been too hasty, and that he was willing to concede that Ackerman's role in his campaign might yet be re-instated.

"We will be asking Britt to file suit against herself for her slight underperformance, and, if she successfully loses that lawsuit against herself, then we can admit that we were wrong in firing her."

"I'm extremely mature and handsome, and can admit my mistakes," said Etter. "If it turns out that the court finds Britt did not underperform, we would immediately hire her back as chief campaign adviser."

Etter warned, however, that it will be a tough case for Ackerman to lose.

"She's very good."

August 7, 2008

Brendon Etter, Sexy Mayoral Candidate, Tells Northfield about His Affair

Dear Citizen Units of Northfield,

My love for all in my realms is storied in the generations of men and animals who have been kissed by my majestical majesty.

I married my wife more than sixteen years ago. It has been uninterrupted, unstinting bliss for more than one-quarter of those years for almost half of us.

Lately, however, a new girl has caught my eye.

Her name is Democracy.

Democracy has just moved to town, and She is filled with the ideals and procedures that will help Northfield rise from the ashes of sad bickering, duplicitous self-interest, passive-aggressive posturing and ill-tempered incompetence that has dominated local politics for too long.

We first met at a party I attended for Oligarchy's 450th birthday over at Autocracy's compound. The second She walked into the room and was clubbed for a bit by Autocracy's Phantom Police Force - standard operating procedure for parties at Auto's place - I knew that this political system was worth further research.

She handled the beating so well, so stoically, almost with confidence and a pride that flowed from Her support by the common man. Luckily for me, the common man wasn't with Her on this fateful night.

Just me. An uncommon man.

Within minutes, She was chatting me up in a corner of Autocracy's panopticon surveillance tower. I calmly repaired the fabric of Her gown torn by Auto's thugs, and She assured me that all my scars and bruises from Northfield's past two years would heal with a little sunlight, transparency and honest deliberation from the people.

Sensing that our ideals matched perfectly and showing great interest in my mayoral campaign, we repaired to the seclusion of the assassination cabana and discussed my upcoming election.

"Will it be hard for you," She whispered.

"For both of us," I replied.

"I can help you with that," She said.

I spent the next several minutes probing further into this beautiful form of government, giving it all I could muster. I had to learn the ins and outs of Her processes and Her many positions.

My research reached a fevered pace. I was completely lost in the moment. Then I passed out.

When I came to, I caught only a momentary glimpse of Her glamourous, yet universal, evening gown as the soundproofed iron door of the cabana closed behind Her.

I was alone.

No matter.

She had made Her impact. I would be, forever, Hers.

I had never felt better about myself. My brief time with Her taught me so much about spreading her glory to all the people.

Democracy has shown me the way.

Democracy has the ability to resurrect this town.

Democracy has the power to save our world, one election at a time.

Democracy has an amazing ass.

August 6, 2008

Brendon Etter, Sensual Leading Write-In Mayoral Candidate, Releases Enemies List to the Public

While I've duly established that I have bountiful love for all of my creatures, there are people that I find it necessary to hate.

I know all too well that hate paralyzes society's present and condemns its future; so I hate, not out of hate, but instead out of animus, extreme disrespect, and generalized loathing.

I steer clear of hate, except when absolutely vital to serve my interests and the interests of my campaign.

It would be very, very time consuming to list all of my enemies here by name; instead, I am electing (good word!) to list the logical means by which someone - anyone really - could potentially be considered among my enemies.

I find that configuring the list this way allows for the hate to flow more naturally - shrinking or expanding in real time as people enter or leave any of the groups described below.

This is crucial because, if there's one thing hate cannot abide, it is being constrained from hating in an open, affirming and inclusive manner.

Hate hates that.

So, in the spirit of letting my hate run free to hate as hate must, I present the following people who must consider themselves as part of my enemies list:

1. My enemies

2. Friends of my enemies

3. Friends of friends of my enemies

4. Facebook or MySpace friends of my enemies

5. People not observing my love-embargo with my enemies

6. Parents of my enemies

7. Friends of parents of my enemies

8. Parents of friends of my enemies

9. Friends of parents of friends of my enemies

10. Enemies of my friends

11. Friends of enemies of my friends

12. Friends of friends of enemies of my friends

13. Friends of friends of enemies of my friends of friends

14. The New York Yankees

15. The parents of the friends of my enemies of my friends

16. All other relatives of my enemies

17. The friends of all other relatives of my enemies

18. My other enemies

19. People who own or operate restaurants or stores where my enemies eat or shop

20. People who work at restaurants or stores where my enemies eat or shop

21. Friends and relatives of people who work at or own or operate restaurants or stores where my enemies eat or shop

22. Pets of my enemies

23. People who live too close to my enemies or the places where they or their friends or their relatives eat or shop or go to school or worship or loiter.

24. People who eat or shop at restaurants or stores who also feed or serve my enemies or the friends of my enemies or the relatives of my enemies or my other enemies

25. Pets of my friends

26. Any mechanical or electrical device used by my enemies or the friends of my enemies or the relatives of my enemies or those who sold or fixed those devices

27. Enemies of the friends of the friends of the enemies of my enemies

28. That one guy

29. Pets of the pets of my enemies

30. People who are not Facebook friends of my friends or my Facebook friends

31. Plants of my enemies

32. Friends of the plants of my enemies

33. People who are not with us

34. Plants of that one guy

35. Facebook

36. Friends of the parents of the pets of the plants of my Facebook enemies

37. Most of southern California

38. Portions of my enemies and their relatives and friends and pets not yet listed

39. Plants of the pets of the friends of my enemies

40. The dead friends of my dead enemies and their relatives and friends of their relatives living and/or dead

41. Enemies to be named later

42. Other

There may be more to add, but this small list will suffice for now.

Thank you for your support.

August 5, 2008

Brendon Etter Introduces a New Cologne

Brendon Etter, the embarrassingly gifted and sparkling leading write-in candidate for Northfield mayor, today released an official cologne to complement his award-winning campaign.

"I am just so excited to be putting this new scent on the market. It tested so well in our focus groups that we actually were able to charge focus group participants just for the opportunity to smell it," related Etter.

"We want regular people to enjoy the sorely-needed opportunity to experience just a little bit of the thrill that comes from being me."

The cologne, called simply "Mayor", was refined from over forty different pheremones harvested directly from Etter's body using nanoservo motors. Etter has gone on record as saying that an extra, secret ingredient replicated for Mayor can never be disclosed due to sensitive industry secrets.

"We would be shooting our competitive advantage in the groin if we divulged the extra ingredient, but I do know that it is an extremely special chemical, because it came from me."

Britt Ackerman, LLC, DMZ, CDB, Etter's campaign spokesmodel, gourmand and attorney, called the scent of Mayor, "unambiguous, there's no question when you spray it on your wrists that you positively reek of victory. Victory and saffron."

The cologne should hit the shelves of fine boutiques and city halls everywhere within the month. It starts at $450 per ounce, and comes in a distinctive Etter-shaped stainless steel container.

Ackerman clarified that the somewhat high price was to be expected because "fifty percent of all sales go to a very worthy cause - our campaign."

Brendon Etter Extends Northfield's Apology Deadline; Offers Application for Forgiveness

While I have certainly and unambiguously filed a third lawsuit against the City of Northfield for the failure of a select few to apologize for potentially not voting for me, I am today announcing a willingness to generously extract that lawsuit if I can get sincere apologies from those holdouts.

I offer this opportunity to all of you so that you might all see the benefit in persuading our most stubborn and ill-informed compatriots to apologize. I'm sure you would hate to have to go through yet another lawsuit, but, absent these apologies, I am left no other option.

Sue I must.

I am, however, a forgiving man, and I want to forgive all of you, but I need apologies on which to base my forgiveness.

As a forgiving man, I am a man who forgives. In my forgiving forgiveness, I am a steadfast man of forgivitude. In this forgiving spirit, I have provided the following Likert scale Application for Consideration of Forgiveness.

If I receive all the completed applications by 5 p.m. this Friday, I will officially withdraw my third lawsuit against Northfield.

(The first two lawsuits remain active. Certainly, I must be protected.)

Here is the application.

(Print it out and mail it to me, fill it out and send the answers via e-mail, or list your answers in the comments section. All are acceptable.)


1. On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 = sorry and 10 = extremely sorry, complete this sentence: "Brendon, I was not going to write-in your name for Northfield mayor; for this irresponsible and wicked act, I am very, very __________."

2. On a scale of 1 to 2, with 1 = not thinking and 2 = too dumb for words, complete this sentence:
"I'm not sure why I planned not to write-in your name for Northfield mayor; I was clearly _________."


3. On a scale of 1 to 37, with 1 = I am sincere and 37 = I am hugely-super-hyper-spastic sincere, complete the following sentence: " _________________."

4. On a scale of 2 to 2.22: How much do you agree with what you answered in question 3? _____

5. On a scale of 11 to X: Do you mean it? _____

6. On a scale of of 1 to pi: You're not just saying that, are you? ______

7. On a scale of seriously to seriously: Seriously? _______


8. On a scale of 100 to infinity, complete the following statement: "To underline my commitment, Brendon, I am enclosing a check / money order / cash / credit card donation of $________ to you and your campaign.

Thank you for completing this form. Your apology, if judged to be sufficiently apologetic and sincere, will be taken into consideration. Until such time as you hear from us, consider yourself in a state of pre-forgiveness.

That must feel much better for you.

August 4, 2008

Brendon Etter Will Jump the Cannon River Using Only the Power of Love

Dear Simple Citizens of Northfield,

For thousands of years, men have visited Northfield and stared in wide-eyed amazement at the vast power of the Cannon River as it rushes past between its east and west banks.

All these men have yearned for one thing: sex with strangers.

Most of them have also yearned for a ramp and a motorcycle powerful enough to hurl themselves across the majesty of its waters and carp.

These men have all failed to accomplish this noble task because they pinned their chances to an Earth-bound, mechanical object.

They did not realize, or realized too late after being devoured by carp, that a motorcycle is no match for the human heart.

What is physical will always fail you. That is why I have taken a different approach to this heroic venture. I am going to jump the Cannon River using simply the awesome power of love.

Negative and cynical voters might see this as some sort of cheap publicity stunt by a desperate write-in mayoral candidate. I say no! You must not, cannot be negative!

I do not stoop to meaningless, easy publicity stunts. My love is meaning itself. My motorcycle was not cheap; it cost nearly twenty thousand bucks on eBay.

And, if you think it's been easy refining a gallon of gasoline from the blood and heart tissue scraped from inside my heart, then you're simply wrong or uninformed.

The surgery lasted for thirty hours alone. My petrochemical engineers have been trying everything in their textbooks to create a gallon of gas while I have been recovering in intensive care for four months.

I'm still weak, and having great difficulty standing upright, but I've got over one-half gallon of 50-octane, slightly pulpy "Red Fire" in the tank, and the desire to uplift all you sad denizens in this great town!

That, my friends, is not a cheap publicity stunt by a desperate candidate; it is a defiant stab at elevating your wretched existence by a surgically-compromised, dizzyingly-attractive man.

That is love.

That is your mayor.

That is I.


Special treat:

Brendon Etter Sues the City a Third Time

Citing "intransigent idiocy" on the part of Northfield voters, Brendon Etter, through his attorney, aide-de-camp and ping-pong strategist, Britt Ackerman, LLC, S&M, PYT, issued a third lawsuit against the city on behalf of his write-in mayoral campaign.

"Do they know how much harm they are causing themselves," a visibly dumbfounded Etter queried rhetorically while hovering seventeen feet above his campaign headquarters.

"I gave them more than five days to apologize for possibly not voting for me! I even gave them a suggested template to submit, and yet, as of the deadline, I had received apologies from under eighty percent of potentially offending voters," puzzled Etter, "and most of the YouTube apology videos lacked style. Some were barely audible."

"I can't accept that."

Etter praised the resilience of voters who have tolerated the "befuddling obstinacy" of the remaining non-apologizers. "I was very close to not suing all those who had apologized, but Britt mentioned that, if they really felt sorry, they could have made the others apologize as well."

"I will not tolerate this lack of drive on the part of our citizens. To do so would be to sell Northfield short. I will never sell Northfield short. I will keep suing and suing and suing the great citizens of this wonderful town until they reach their fullest potential!"

Ackerman believes that this third lawsuit could easily be settled out of court with limited expenses to be passed on to the taxpayers, "Other than the heavy compensatory damages we're seeking, of course."

"The greater the compensation we push for, the better we motivate citizens toward self-actualization," asserted Ackerman.

Ackerman added that she felt "so proud of my candidate - a humble man of humble needs and quiet, beautiful lawsuits."

"When most people sue the city, it's just brusque and perfunctory. When Brendon sues Northfield, it's because he cares. He cares about all of us. It's from his heart." stressed Ackerman, brushing aside a single tear that clung to her check and caught the light just so.

August 3, 2008

Brendon Etter Takes a Brave Stand on Murder

Frequently, in this campaign, people bother me with questions about the things which trouble their little minds.

I take these concerns seriously. It's hard not to, people really look up to my extreme beauty and intelligence.

Being exceptional can drag most people down, but not me. When I feel burdened by my amazingness, I simply look at the person asking me the important question and remember that I'm much better than him or her.

I feel, as their inherent superior, it is my duty to tell people the right answers to their questions.

One question I hear over and over concerns my thoughts about murder. Am I for it or against it?

I have to wonder where my opponents are on this question? Have they not had plenty of time to formulate and present their views on murder to the public? Have they been too busy to address the topic?

Do they simply not care?

Sad as it may seem, not a single one of my opponents in November's mayoral race has come forth on "the murder issue."

I will again put myself out there and take what lumps may come my way. I must take a brave, stalwart and handsome stance against murder.

That's right. Once again, I, Brendon Etter, have taken a very public position on a controversial topic that other candidates won't touch.

I will state it again, so there can be no doubt as to my sincerity and bravery: I believe murder is wrong.

What's more, I believe murder is wrong more than half the time!

I know in condemning roughly 55% of all murders that I risk alienating some murderers and murder supporters as well as everyone who is the pocket of Big Murder, but I refuse to play politics with something this serious.

Those who prevaricate because of my strong stance against a majority of murders can just take their votes and run to the camp of one of my apparently pro-murder opponents. I say to those people: "Run away if you must. Yours is a vote I do not need! Unless you're willing to vote for me."

I realize this article may have shocked some who were heretofore advocates of my campaign. They should remember one important fact about my uncompromising integrity on the issues - I'm still very much for most cute kittens.

Thank you for your time.

Run along now.

That's a good little voter.

July 31, 2008

Brendon Etter Offers Voter-Friendly Fill-In-The-Blank Position Statements

In an effort to remind voters that he is completely on their side whatever side they might be on, eternally delightful, charming and pulchritudinous leading write-in candidate for mayor, Brendon Etter, today introduced "voter-friendly" position statements.

Campaign spokesperson, legal adviser, and current croquet circuit seasonal points leader, Britt Ackerman, LLC, NRBQ, WMD, described the position statement, "We feel it is important to let voters know that Brendon isn't going to be so close-minded on the issues that matter. He generously has decided to not shut out the voters as so many candidates do when they 'take a stand' or 'decide how they feel' about any issue."

Ackerman followed, "That's just more of the same-old, same-old. The politics of exclusion and egocentric 'leadership.' Why not just tell the people that their beliefs don't matter at all?"

"You go girl!" shouted Etter from his bathroom where he is finishing up a grueling scene that has taken very long to film due to the important nature of the work which will likely determine Etter's innocence in a heated sex scandal.

It is not known as of press time to which "girl" Etter was referring.

Ackerman stressed that it was not important, that the issue at hand concerned Etter's "brilliant sense of open-mindedness and inclusionary practices" that help everyone feel that her candidate's views are his or her own.

"Because they are. Completely."

To illustrate Etter's "fill-in-the-blank, other-centric" position statements, Ackerman presented the assembled reporters with one such recently released paper from the campaign, reprinted here for the reader.

"Position Statement of Brendon Etter, Handsome Write-In Candidate for Mayor of Northfield

Issue: Capital Investment in Northfield Municipal Facilities

As a leading write-in candidate for Mayor of Northfield, I have taken a firm stand on developing a municipal facilities plan that includes as its cornerstone the ______________ of _______ ________ ___________ within _______ years at a ______ of ____________ to the __________ of this __________ . Secondly, Northfield must _______ _________ __________ ______ ________ the very ___________ ___________ _________ and then ________ _______ _________ _________ _________ in a _________ manner. We can also not _________ __________ __________ the ___________ ___________ with respect to _________ __________ __________ ___________ __________ _________ _______ and others who __________ __________ ___________ _______ .

Thank ______,
Brendon Etter
Leading Write-In Candidate for Mayor"

"That's leadership by the people! That's a candidate for everyone! Join us, Northfield! Write in Brendon Etter for Mayor!" enthused Ackerman.

Despite repeated knocks on the bathroom door, Etter seemed unavailable to comment.

July 30, 2008

Brendon Etter May Also Become Mayor of Facebrook

It has come to my handsome attention that I am amassing a political power base in Facebrook.

Facebrook is a small town of which few people have ever heard. In the land of Facebrook, children run free, animals are well-behaved yet wild, food is plentiful, parents are happy and filled with love, the populace wants for nothing and stands for something.

I can change that.

After winning the Northfield mayoral race, which I'm certain is certainly a certainty at this point, we and the members of my Facebrook power team will march on Facebrook and expand Northfield's reach into bucolic communities! Not many will probably die.

Join us, won't you? Yes, you will.

After joining, let us know what ways you anticipate being bettered by standing in my reflected beauty and glory!

Leave your thoughts on campaign strategies!

Post videos of your campaign theme songs!

Share stories from the campaign trail!

Eat and drink to excess! (food and beverages not included)

Have sex, maybe with someone!

Do whatever you need to do to help us win the Northfield mayoral race!

Because when I win, you win! (your win not included)

Brendon Etter Announces Campaign Theme Song Contest

Based on the request and proper obsequiousness displayed by veteran supporter, Jimmy H, I would like to make a special announcement:

The First !Evar! Inaugural Annual Yearly Brendon Etter For Mayor Theme Song Writing And Performing Contest!

Do you have what it takes to compose a campaign theme song that will capture the hearts and wallets and groins of voters across the world?

Can you capture the greatness, the sexiness, the glory, the self-sacrificing humility of the Man and His Write-In Campaign?

Almost certainly you cannot, but give it your lame-ass best! This is America, after all!

I don't care where you do it. I don't care what the song contains. I don't care how much you pay me for the rights to use my name and aura in your cute, bumbling manner. I don't even care about you.

I only care that you do it.

Do. It. Now.

There will be two categories in which you can suck: Quality and Performance.

You can win in either or in both. You do not need to perform your song for me, as I'd rather not be bothered, but you should post the song lyrics and video of your performance on YouTube or the Brendon Etter For Mayor Facebook page.

Please do not harm any cute animals in the production of your video. Ugly ones - fine - but not the cute ones.

What will you win? Cash, or its equivalent in pride.

Very, very little in either case.

You should do this, however, not for the cash or pride, but for the greater good - namely, glorifying my candidacy and extolling my virtues.

Please tag all YouTube videos as "Brendon Etter for Mayor" so we needn't waste our time watching stupid things like dramatic "chipmunks" or fat guys dancing to German techno songs.

Also, I'll be counting each entry as a vote as per my widely-accepted UltraDemocracy principles.

That seems like the right thing to do. Why does a vote have to look like a vote? Hasn't America, haven't you grown past that simplistic representation of your candidate selection?

In the future, all votes will take place through videos on YouTube, and democracy shall be all the better and more exciting.

Get cracking, America!

With Almost Some Affection,
Brendon Etter
Genuinely Devastating Leading Write-In Candidate for Northfield Mayor

July 29, 2008

Brendon Etter, Leading Write-In Candidate for Mayor, Demands an Apology Now

Dear Citizens of Northfield,

It has come to my attention that certain people in this town are not planning to vote for me in November's mayoral election.

As bewildering as such a choice may be, I readily concede that those people have the right to be misguided. However, on the advice of my attorney, chief campaign strategist and personal chef, Britt Ackerman, LLC, LOL, RSVP, I am issuing a demand for a public apology from all such idiots.

This apology must be delivered in person, and also recorded for distribution on YouTube.

Failure to make such an apology will result in Northfield being sued a third time by my campaign. I'm sure we all understand how detrimental that will be to Northfield, the city I love so dear.

I cannot yet disclose the nature of the charges in this prospective third lawsuit, but Britt has informed me that it would be "big, big bad." She's a very good attorney. I'd do as she says.

The apology needn't be long and confusing. Just a simple admission of your pathetic understanding of the mayoral contest and of my obvious superiority as a candidate.

Here's how it could be worded:

"Dear Brendon,

You are so very great and handsome. Yet for reasons entirely attributable to my failings as a human, I am not anticipating voting for you this November. I greatly respect your beauty, your love for this community, and your generous ability to accept my humble plea, and I can only hope that I will see the error of my ways and do what is right by voting for you."

I hope that helps as you consider the particular form your apology will take.

Also, please remember to look at the floor and back out of the room after you've apologized. I'd hate to have to cause a scene or issue a fourth lawsuit.

Brendon Etter
Exceedingly Good-Looking Leading Write-In Candidate for Mayor of Northfield

July 28, 2008

Brendon Etter Answers Crucial Questions about His Write-In Mayoral Campaign

I get them all the time. Questions.

Annoying, pathetic, crucial questions I'm told I should answer to appear palatable to Joe and Jenny Voter out there.

So here are some of the questions I get, and the answers I'd like to think I would give if I decided to answer, which is unlikely - I'm too busy running for mayor. I don't have time to answer questions from people who I can't be sure are going to vote for me.

Why are you so handsome?
Good question. I'm guessing it has something to do with my outward appearance, chiseled physique, inner charm and self-sacrificing humility. I look so good, others look good by simply standing in my reflected beauty. This is something I do for the general public, sometimes for free.

How handsome are you?
Well, that's a tough one. Think George Clooney or Brad Pitt or elf-boy from Lord of the Rings, except good-looking and taller.

You have no real experience in public governance, don't you think people should be concerned about that when comparing you to some of the other candidates?
Let me take this question, if I may, by telling you a story about my grandfather. My grandfather was a hard-working, self-reliant and patriotic man. One day, while he was fixing a new piece of equipment at his farm, a piece of equipment he had not used very much, a piece of equipment with which he had "no real experience," a neighboring farmer who had worked on such equipment quite often over the years offered my grandfather help, claiming he knew what he was doing, and my grandfather could learn from watching him. My grandfather stood up and told his neighbor, "Fuck you," and then shot him in the face with a very large gun. He was quite a character, my grandfather. Next question?

What's your position on drugs in Northfield?
They're... bad? Hold on, let me check... yes, bad. That's my answer.

What do you bring to the job that the other candidates don't have?
Other than my astounding good looks and dizzying intelligence?

Yes, other than those things.
In a word, respect. Respect for all the citizens of Northfield, even the stupid and ugly ones.

What is your plan for Northfield?
Thank you for such a great question.

Do you think that the Mayor and City Council can effectively cooperate to lead Northfield?
Certainly! I'm very optimistic about that. In fact, I believe, if we apply ourselves, we could lead the entire state, eventually the entire Midwest, and once we get that far, and amass enough troops, most of the country should be easy to lead. We will cooperate very, very effectively.

Aren't you just being cynical and dismissive with your campaign when compared to the people who are volunteering to do the hard work of leading this city out of its recent tumult?
Pfff... whatever.

July 25, 2008

Brendon Etter Offers Smart, Cost-Cutting, "UltraDemocracy" Voting Measures as Key Plank in Mayoral Campaign Platform

Due to escalating gas prices, dwindling public coffers and falling voter turnout rates, leading write-in candidate for mayor of Northfield, the improbably good looking, Brendon Etter, today released details of his highly-anticipated "SuperVoter" Really Accessible Public Election plan.

"I'm concerned about eliminating barriers for as many people as possible. It stuns me that my opponents have yet to speak out for the enfranchisement of all possible voters. Everyone must be allowed to vote, and they should be allowed to vote in whatever way is easiest and most accessible for them," stated the candidate.

"My SuperVoter RAPE plan not only tears down walls to wider voter participation, like limited polling station hours, transportation costs for voters to get to the polls, arbitrary age, geography, or criminality checks, but it also will cost the City of Northfield very, very little," said Etter in the noon press conference.

Etter, with the assistance of chief legal counsel and confidante, Britt Ackerman, LLC, PCP, established the SuperVoter RAPE program to undo the restrictive, "almost fascistic legalese" which hinders voting in this country.

According to Ackerman, voters will now be able to e-mail or call Etter to tell him that they are voting for him (or for one of the other candidates). On a message pad by his kitchen phone, Etter will record the number of votes each candidate receives, and on election day, he or his duly-appointed representative will phone the City Clerk to certify the number of votes each candidate received in the race.

"The beauty of the SuperVoter RAPE program is the ease of use and the low cost," said Ackerman, "In fact, the City won't even have to operate polls on election day, ridding it of the costly paper, voting booth, set-up, take-down, vote verification and volunteer expenses."

"I'm willing to sacrifice, and do this for free," added Etter, "I don't hear any of my so-called 'freedom-loving' opponents calling for any of these sensible reforms."

Ackerman pointed out that they would even consider taking votes that they find on paper stuck under the windshield wipers of hers or Etter's cars.

"Why should we deny grocery shoppers and errand runners the right to vote where and when and how they want," queried Etter's top-level adviser, "We will even accept voice votes of people walking the street and expressing their support. Brendon's going to have his message pad with him at all times."

"Except when I don't, then I'll just remember how many people told me they were going to vote for me - or the other candidates - and I'll mark those votes down when I get home," clarified Etter, "You can vote from anywhere, at anytime, in any way you want. That's freedom. That's democracy. That's UltraDemocracy. That's a RAPE!"

July 24, 2008

Brendon Etter Announces His Second Lawsuit against the City of Northfield

Leading write-in candidate for mayor, Brendon Etter, announced to an impressed crowd of onlookers and sycophants today that his lead attorney and campaign strategist, Britt Ackerman, LLC, ABC, 123, has filed a second law suit against the City of Northfield.

Etter explained, "This is purely a back-up lawsuit, standard operating procedure in cases like this. Britt and I felt we needed the extra leverage and wiggle room that this secondary, precautionary lawsuit would afford us."

Etter's attorney, the tremendously talented and devoted Ackerman, noted that "this lawsuit, just like the first runner-up for Miss America, would step in to sue the City should the first lawsuit fail or be unable to perform its duties."

"We certainly don't anticipate losing the first lawsuit, nor does this indicate a shift in focus," said Ackerman, "we definitely are concentrating on collecting possible wrongs that Northfield may have visited upon our candidate, and we continue to push those unspecified charges through an unspecified military tribunal meeting in an undisclosed location for an unknown time frame."

"That's our duty as Americans," added Etter, "but what if we lose? We need to be ready with more charges to levy at a moment's notice. We should not wait until after that trial finishes. Northfield demands decisive action out of their next mayor, and that's exactly what I will give them."

Ackerman claimed that their efforts have the support of many prominent local citizens.

"So many people have told Brendon that they like him; that they support him. They are so sad that Northfield has treated him this way."

Etter opined, "With such unqualified support from my friends, I think it's pretty clear I was justified in launching both lawsuits. I mean, friends are always honest. They would never lead me astray."

July 23, 2008

Brendon Etter Releases Liquor Store Construction Plan for Northfield

Leading write-in mayoral candidate, the devastatingly attractive, Brendon Etter, today released an ambitious plan for bettering Northfield's economy.

Speaking from the roof of the current Municipal Liquor Store before a sell-out crowd, Etter declared that, if elected, he will build liquor stores "in every neighborhood, on every street corner, in every school."

"For too long, we have remained a community lacking adequate resources for getting our drink on. No more!"

Etter plans to build, using public funds, "at least fifty new liquor stores wherever possible" as he unveiled in his grand Five Year / Five Beer Plan.

"If every man, woman and child, and even just some of the pets, in Northfield consumed only five beers - or the equivalent of five beers - each day, we will be able to keep Northfield flush with cash for all the other important capital projects we so desperately need."

Etter went on to say that "a new library, new performing arts center, new safety center would be built within a year under this plan, and they would be a hell of a lot more fun to visit when completely plastered."

"If we combine the construction of these liquor stores with increased police surveillance of our borders to prevent the illegal importation of alcohol from neighboring communities or other sales outlets, then demand for alcohol will increase largely regardless of price. This means more cash for us, and less time for police to enforce unnecessary public intoxication laws."

"It's a win / win situation," said Etter.

Etter's chief campaign adviser, Britt Ackerman, LLC, CST, WWJD, summed up Etter's plan by paraphrasing former President Kennedy, "In essence, our candidate is saying: Ask not what your community can do for you, but what you and your liver can do for your community."

July 22, 2008

Brendon Etter Wonders Why the Other Mayoral Candidates Seem to Love Terrorism

I am posing an open question to the other mayoral candidates:

Exactly how much do you love terrorism?

This campaign is already a week old, plenty of time for each of Northfield's other mayoral candidates to disavow any affection for terrorism, but what have we heard so far?



That scares me. It should scare you.

Do we really want Northfield's next mayor to be silent on protecting us from terrorism?

I don't. I am the only candidate who has bravely stepped forward and said I hate terrorism.

And I don't just mean "hate" as in hating something, I mean "hate" as in "hate-hate".

Where have the other candidates been? No one knows, but they certainly don't seem to be publicly hate-hating terrorism like me.

So, I am giving them their chance here.

Exactly how much do you love terrorism?

The process is simple - answer the question here using a standard Likert scale with responses ranging from "a little" to "heaps and heaps".

If the public doesn't hear from you in the next few days on this site, then I guess we'll all know for sure where you stand.

Sex Scandal Rocks Brendon Etter's Mayoral Campaign, Internet Servers

A sex scandal severely rocked Brendon Etter's Write-In Mayoral campaign and website servers today, waking the candidate from his second mid-morning nap a full hour ahead of time and sending his web administration team into a light panic.

Etter's Minister of Defensiveness, Britt Ackerman, LLC, MP3, delivered a stirring admission to the public and an assembled reporter outside the candidate's Northfield Fortress of Solitude: "We had hired a new campaign adviser / aspiring actress to revive some flagging aspects of Brendon's candidacy. She came to us highly recommended by several southern California film producers, plus her name made her seem like a perfect fit for this campaign. How were we supposed to know that she would deceive us so?"

The campaign adviser, 23-year old supermodel May Oral, apparently had other plans and unknown abilities for exploiting Etter's innocence, according to Ackerman.

"Ms. Oral, who lured Brendon into a one-on-one strategy session in her shower, unpredictably lived up to her name. It is extremely unfortunate that, unbeknownst to our extremely-innocent candidate, both cameramen, the boom mic operator and the lighting technicians in Ms. Oral's bathroom were filming during the encounter."

In an effort to prove his innocence in the matter, Etter's campaign quickly released the half-hour video on their campaign website where they charged $4.95 per visit to "defer web-hosting and potential legal expenses."

Ackerman noted that the video "completely exonerated our candidate in this matter. In some of the close-up shots you could clearly see the evil in her eyes. She genuinely seemed to be enjoying the damage she was inflicting upon this campaign."

In an unfortunate turn of events, the campaign website received so many hits that Etter's campaign servers crashed.

"They actually melted from all that traffic. We lost the video file. This created a sticky legal situation and a lot of customer service complaints."

Ackerman acknowledged that the campaign was able to earn enough money from the video to buy new servers. "With the original film lost, the harsh reality means the only way we can prove our candidate's innocence to more customer-voters is to re-shoot the footage. We're not taking any chances this time. We're using our candidate and Ms. Oral and even using the same crew that happened to be there during the first encounter."

"We've got some new producers lined up and the soundtrack is being done by that one guy who did the Star Wars music. Plus, we'll have to charge $6.95 now. Other than that, everything will be identical to the first film."

To help achieve verisimilitude, shooting is expected to take four or five days.

"It must be understood, as unfortunate a situation as we find ourselves in, that our candidate had already proactively apologized for any future misdeeds a couple days ago. So, on the rare possibility that anyone might think Brendon, and not this strumpet, is somehow culpable for his behavior, the apology had been made ahead of time."

July 21, 2008

Brendon Etter Asks: Why Waste Your Vote on a Candidate That's Just Going to Win?

Dear Local and Auxiliary Voters,

Have you grown tired of going to the polls only to check a box for the victorious candidate? So have I.

Why would you want to waste your vote on a candidate that's just going to win anyway?

The winning candidate, being the winner, doesn't need your vote. She or he won, otherwise we wouldn't say he or she was the winner.

With or without you, that greedy candidate will have won.

What does this mean? If you vote for the winning candidate, your vote will have been effectively stolen from you by a selfish person who doesn't even need it!

This vote hoarding must stop! It corrupts our most basic democratic right: the right to vote freely for any candidate.

Why would you want your vote to be thrown away on a hopeless winning case?

We must - must - stand up to this chicanery that allows winning candidates to walk away with the office without regard to the thousands of votes rendered useless by victory.

How do we do this?

Refuse to vote for the winning candidate!

That's the only way to fix this broken system. If enough of us refuse to vote for the winning candidate, and instead vote for a candidate that will lose, like a write-in candidate, then the winning candidate will not be able to confiscate all those votes by winning.

The fight will not be easy, but fight we must, dear citizens.

Fight we must.

July 20, 2008

Brendon Etter Makes, Burns Public Apology

In a stunning development today, stunning and leading write-in candidate for Northfield Mayor, Brendon Etter, stunned the entire city by issuing a public apology.

"I only wish this all-inclusive, retroactive and proactive public apology had been attended by more members of the public." stated Etter. "As it turned out, it was just me and my attorney, Britt Ackerman, LLC, VIP, LRT hanging out on Bridge Square at 3 a.m."

Ackerman was quick to add, "The fact that no members of the public showed up does not make my candidate's far-reaching apology any less public. Too bad, because he gave a beautiful speech, especially considering how hammered he was at the time."

Etter's apology, which he insists cannot be recreated or published here due to the fact that he and Ackerman ceremoniously cleansed the campaign by burning the only copy, reportedly contained a full list of wrongs he thinks the public might have picked up on. "Besides, it was all about the moment. You know? I don't want to try to redo perfection. That never really works."

"Incidentally, I even apologized for not getting a burning permit before we torched the apology."

Ackerman noted that the apology was unique in that it effectively absolves Etter for not only past mistakes but also "future misdeeds, misstatements or fuck-ups, in perpetuity."

"The apologizing-for-future-crimes thing was my idea, sort of like a lifetime of papal indulgences in one easy public decree. I'm pretty proud of myself for that bit." said Ackerman. "Man, too bad no one else was there. Brendon was totally contrite about everything. It was quite moving."

Etter summed up, "Now that I've apologized for everything, I think we can move forward in this campaign. Why would anyone be so small-minded as to harp on and on about something for which I've already made a public apology? Let's not dwell on the past. Or the future, for that matter."

July 17, 2008

Brendon Etter Bestows New Campaign Slogans Upon Northfield

In a musk-scented missive inscribed on dried rhino hide, Brendon Etter's staff today bestowed new campaign slogans upon the unsuspecting citizens of Northfield.

A brief statement prefacing the new slogans cautioned the populace that these are not alternative slogans, but rather new, additional slogans to be used with any of the other previously-released slogans.

The slogans -

Brendon Etter: He Might Be O.K. At This
Brendon Etter: Brendon! Etter!
Brendon Etter: Putting The "Paign" In Campaign
Brendon Etter: He Has Ideas About Stuff
Brendon Etter: Vaguely Concerned About Your Needs
Brendon Etter: Hell Yeah!
Brendon Etter: Close Personal Friend To Everyone
Brendon Etter: Double Plus Good
Brendon Etter: Vote For Him Or You're An Idiot
Brendon Etter: How Did We Get So Lucky?
Brendon Etter: The Decider
Brendon Etter: He Loves Me
Brendon Etter: The Great Promiser Of Things
Brendon Etter: Would Have Kicked Hitler's Ass
Brendon Etter: As Seen In T.V.

Brendon Etter Announces His First Lawsuit against the City of Northfield

Ahead of his almost-certain victory in the Northfield mayoral race where he holds a commanding lead among write-in candidates, Brendon Etter today issued a preemptive and peremptory lawsuit against the City of Northfield.

"It's important to note that this lawsuit has been filed by my personal attorney and impersonal masseuse, Britt Ackerman, LLC, MVP, BLT, as a sign of my love for this fine city.

"I feel, and Britt concurs, that a city operates best when there are guidelines and procedures imposed upon it by the constant threat of legal action. This is the ultimate promise of American democracy. We want to make sure Northfield fulfills its potential in this way."

Etter claims the suit is a reverse class action. "It's one person suing everyone in Northfield."

Ackerman realizes the difficulty of such a lawsuit. "At first, it hurt to file a lawsuit that, as a resident of Northfield, listed me as one of the defendants, but Brendon reminded me that he was sacrificing as well. His wife and kids are Northfield citizens. He's suing them too. That takes courage, to not make any exceptions in your legal procedures, even at the expense of your own family. That's the kind of brave leader Brendon Etter is."

Ackerman followed up, tears glazing her eyes, "He's all alone in this case. Standing up for what's right, by himself!"

At this time, Etter cannot reveal the nature of the charges in his lawsuit as he instructed Ackerman to file the suit with an underground military tribunal.

"I have had to label all of Northfield as 'potential enemy combatants' against me. We need to keep this lawsuit open-ended so as not to limit charges that could be secretly added later. Letting Northfield citizens get away with future violations against me or my financial interests wouldn't be fair to Northfield. How would they ever learn to better themselves?"

"Also, this is just the first in what will certainly be a long line of lawsuits we will use to care for Northfield over the next few years," added Ackerman, "You can't relax your guard for a moment or the City will become lazy and undisciplined."

On the nature of costs associated with this lawsuit, Etter asserted that "you can't put a price on civic education," he then remarked, off his impeccably-tailored cuffs, "You know, Britt believed in this cause so much she was prepared to do the work pro bono. However, since it is being filed by a future officer of the City for the benefit of the City, the City would be paying her legal fees. Understanding this stark reality, Britt then felt forced to triple her hourly rate."

Ackerman said, "I'm actually quadrupling it, because I would have to cover any judgment against myself as one of the defendants. Plus, I mean, we're suing a lot of people here."

July 16, 2008

Brendon Etter Releases Schedule for Future Successes, Failures of His Mayoral Campaign

Britt Ackerman, LLC, PB&J, trend-setting spokeswoman for Brendon Etter, the leading write-in candidate for mayor, released the following statement today to a crowded crowd of reporters, DJs and scenesters.

"Brendon Etter knows that it creates a much better story when you and your campaign can be seen as down and out, only to be revived. Given new life, only to be thrown to the mat again, which allows for a dramatic re-ascendancy from which you can be summarily toppled and from which toppling you can rise like a phoenix from the ashes of humiliation.

"Brendon Etter also knows that this would be a tiresome process. A process in which he would rather not engage. In its place, Brendon Etter is issuing a full time-table of his campaign's ups and downs as they will play out in keenly orchestrated fashion over the next four months.

"Brendon Etter is not necessarily committing to each of these events actually happening, as he is a very busy man, but he would appreciate if the press would report the events that are laid out in the itinerary as if they did happen.

"For example, tomorrow you would report that Brendon Etter will have been kidnapped by the opposition. In two weeks time, he will ink his first book deal about his roller coaster candidacy and the implications for American democracy.

"Those are just some of the high points. The campaign, however, must crash occasionally in order to have depths from which to resurrect itself. We do not wish to release those to the general public at this time, and ask that the press write in a very shocked, outraged or surprised manner when these scheduled lowpoints occur.

"We will let this teaser slip: One of the bad moments involves seven ferrets and a chainsaw.

"Though unnecessary, please stay tuned for more."

At this point in the press conference, Ackerman played a prerecorded snippet of Etter explaining his reasoning behind the highly-detailed road map of his campaign's future successes and failures.

"It makes my campaign more like one of those touching, soft-lit, athlete biography pieces they play all the time during the Olympics. Everyone loves that shit, right?"

Brendon Etter for Mayor Website Webbed! Plus More Slogans!

Check it out right here, kiddies. The webb-ed sight is there. We need to work on some of the details; so keep checking back for vital changes.

It needs more virulent, punchy patriotism, that's for sure. We probably need to make fun of French people, too. That's a given.

I want people to understand that I'm not going to talk down to them. I'm only going to speak to them in the short, barking, America-first sloganeering their tiny brains can understand.

In that vein, here are more slogans:
- Brendon Etter: How Are You?
- Brendon Etter: Shut Up, French Person!
- Brendon Etter: Taxes Suck!
- Brendon Etter: Choke On My Patriotism, You Damn Terrorist!
- Brendon Etter: Seriously.
- Brendon Etter: It Is A Privilege To Vote For Someone Of His Caliber.
- Brendon Etter: Whatever's Cool With You.
- Brendon Etter: A Must!
- Brendon Etter: He Hates What You Hate.

Brendon Etter Unsuspends His Mayoral Campaign

Brendon Etter, the leading write-in candidate for Northfield's mayor, today announced that the previous suspension of his campaign, announced at 11 p.m. last night, has itself been suspended.

By suspending the suspension, Etter has re-entered the race, his devilishly untidy coif flowing behind him, as the undisputed front runner among write-in candidates for the mayor's office.

Last night, in a hectic, hastily called press conference held poolside at his Caucasus Mountains retreat, Etter called off his campaign due to "exhaustion." This morning, his tune had changed considerably.

"That was nothing a good thirteen hours of sleep couldn't cure." claimed Etter. "My exhaustion had much less to do with the stress and strain of the campaign trail and more to do with going for a vigorous five-mile sprint in ninety-degree heat."

"Plus the cocaine, which I take only on a prescription basis, has helped immensely."

Etter expects to return to Northfield to resume the campaign once his private hydrocopter has been cleaned, refueled and restocked with koala meat.

The koala meat is also used medicinally, according to Etter's team of physicians and healers.

The Golden Boy of Northfield's insurgent underground political scene, about whom so little is known but so much expected, flashed his heart-melting smile and went back to working with his charitable organization which strives to give orphans the world over much needed, practical, intensive work experience in critically understaffed factories and other off-shore entities.

"You should see their little eyes light up!" beamed Etter.

July 15, 2008

Brendon Etter Suspends His Mayoral Campaign

Citing "campaign exhaustion," local man, Brendon Etter, suspended his Northfield mayoral write-in campaign.

Sources close to the very sexy candidate have said that the intense pressure and bitter political climate in town have taken a physical toll on his well-sculpted, almost-stunning body.

"I knew when I threw my hat in the ring at noon today that the constant stress of a mayoral campaign could be detrimental to me, my family and my hot, trendy coterie of sycophantic hangers-on. We have weathered many storms in the past eleven hours and forty-five minutes, but I must recognize that enough is enough. I have a duty to myself and my personal attendants." stated Etter from poolside at his spa retreat in the southern Caucasus Mountains.

When pressured by reporters, Etter was quick to note that he will still serve as mayor if elected as a write-in candidate.

"Certainly, I would serve, if that were the case. I can't let down my fans or constituents. I'm simply saying that I'm done campaigning. It wears you out."

Etter then retreated to his heavily-guarded cabana; a golden glint off his well-muscled back causing the media to sigh for the possible photo opportunities his candidacy would surely have provided. Most of them for free.

Brendon Etter Is Running for Mayor of Northfield

Dear Citizens of Northfield, Living and/or Dead,

I am announcing today, in this august forum in July, my intention to run for the Mayor of Northfield as a write-in candidate.

I do not wish to play that sly insider's game of officially filing for candidacy. I don't want to waste the five dollars or valuable city staff time. Running as a write-in candidate makes the most sense.

How much sense?

I'm a runner; so running for mayor makes sense. I'm a writer; so a write-in candidacy makes sensier. I once also went on a date with a girl named Candi; so being a candidate makes sensiest.

- More money for everyone!
- More freedom!
- A chicken in every hot tub in every car in every garage!
- More smoky sensuality!
- Capable of listening to stupid things other leaders say!
- Kids eat for free on Thursdays!
- Occasional control of the weather!
- Will build liquor stores everywhere I possibly can!

- Hardly ever been convicted of anything.
- Great arm from centerfield.
- Smoky sensuality.
- Relatively firm handshake.
- Avoid conflict of interest issues by not being interested in anything.
- No known communicable diseases.
- An ardent, passionate, drooling, erotic lust for helping others.
- Not a complete idiot.

Because the good and bad citizens of this fair city expect so many different things out of their mayor, I find it better to have as many different slogans as possible, depending on who is paying attention. Here are some of them. I will add more as the political winds / events change. I think that's only fair. Some of these were originally posted here.

- Brendon Etter: Mayor-y Me
- Brendon Etter: Less Stupider Than You Might Think
- Brendon Etter: Ribbed, For Your Civic Pleasure
- Brendon Etter: He Knows Things About You Your Vote Might Keep Under Wraps
- Brendon Etter: Probably Fighting Terrorism
- Brendon Etter: He Really Loves You
- Brendon Etter: He's Got A Flexible Plan Of Some Sort
- Brendon Etter: Committed To Xsellents
- Brendon Etter: Against Evil Things
- Brendon Etter: So Smokily Sensual
- Brendon Etter: He's A Candidate
- Brendon Etter: Do You Have Children
- Brendon Etter: w00t w00t

I need a campaign manager and an organizational team. Could someone write some supporting letters to the local newspaper?

If you want to be involved on the Brendon Etter Write-In Candidacy for the Mayor of Northfield 2008 Team, just let me know in the comments section.

What are the issues? What is our approach? Who do we like? Who do we hate? Let me know. I have no idea. I'll listen to anyone, even stupid people, that's how kind I am!

Love and Kisses,
Brendon Etter

July 13, 2008

I Am No Longer Allowed To Dive For The Following Things At The Public Pool

1. Cute female lifeguards. They are people, not "things" according to the semantics-obsessed prosecuting attorney.

2. My car. Even though I was obviously the one who drove it in there both times.

3. The Legendary Treasure of del Rico Alta. This is unfortunate, as I'm pretty sure our next excavation in the deep end would have turned up something considerable.

4. Endless possibilities. All possibilities end at the bottom of the pool, appropriately enough.

5. Lightbulbs. Whole or broken.

6. Pearls. Even if I take the oysters out of the can, this is not allowed.

7. That blue color. Where does it come from? The water gets in the way.

8. Corpses. It's not so much that I'm not allowed to dive for them anymore; it's just that it doesn't provide the joy it once did now that we've run out of the extra spicy barbecue sauce.

9. Love. I think they are really being nit picky on this one. Just because I can't "prove" that the relationship is mutual doesn't mean the nun didn't have feelings for me. Obviously, someone begged me - begged me, damnit - to hold her underwater for that long. I don't care if she can't respond, why would she beg if she didn't love me?

Returned: The Returning, Part II of The Return Cycle

I'm back. I've returned from where I was. I am no longer there. Now, I am here.

If I were still there, I would have yet to return. I would be in a state of not-returning or unreturning.

Also, the state of New Hampshire.

But, I am no longer in a state of not-returning or New Hampshire, since I have returned.

In fact, I was only in the state of returning for a couple days while I was returning, but, since I am done returning to the full extent possible, in that I have returned, I would again be in a state of not-returning or unreturning.

Also, Minnesota. State of.

So, whether I was here or there, I was in the state of not-returning, even though I was and am in two completely different states at the same time.

I am in a state of quantum return.

The crazy thing is that most of the time I was in these various states of returning or not, I was moving in functionally straight lines.

I don't recall doing a lot of turning one way or the other. Or doing it again.

So, even while in the apparent act of returning, I was not really returning.

Whether returning or not, therefore, I was not-returning or unreturning, yet again.

I was in a state of quantum return.

So, wherever I go, I am always and forever returning and not-returning.

Also, I went hiking.

June 28, 2008

Radical Ideas for Improving Gas Mileage

Following up on some very sensible suggestions for improving gas mileage, I offer a few more ideas.

1. Tow your car behind your bike. (Make sure the tow bar is solid. Do not use a chain to tow your car, unless you want to run yourself over... on your own bike... with your own car. Actually, I bet that's never happened before; so, you know, be an original and give it a try.)

2. Spend a half-hour meditating and visualizing better gas mileage before every trip.

3. Ship your car and yourself wherever you want to go.

4. Install sails on car roof. Mount an enormous fan on a trailer behind your car. Turn it on. (Do not set fan to 'oscillate'.)

5. Distill gasoline to make it even more condensed and potent.

6. Hire a team of Sherpa guides to carry your car for you.

7. Only travel with the wind. If the wind is coming head on, travel in reverse.

8. Believe in better gas mileage.

9. Pull back on your car until the spring gets really tight, then hold on.

10. Lessen car's weight by removing all parts except engine and wheels.

11. Pretend your car isn't running, get towed anywhere.

12. There's no friction in the vacuum of space. Hook car underneath the Space Shuttle. Time your deployment just right.

June 26, 2008

Exactly How to Get into Heaven

Step 1 - Put your car in reverse.

Step 2 - Get out of your car.

Step 3 - Put someone else's car in reverse. It doesn't matter whose car.

Step 4 - Take the next four immediate lefts.

Step 5 - Throw a freshly laid egg as far as you can.

Step 6 - Make a mockery of your hopes and dreams.

Step 7 - Turn right.

Step 8 - Practice when you preach.

Step 9 - Commit to everything nowhere.

Step 10 - Abdicate! Abdicate!

Step 11 - Take your next available merge onto a subjective freeway.

Step 12 - Skip this step.

Step 13 - Remember something important.

Step 14 - Forget it.

Step 15 - Pretend you care.

Step 16 - Imagine you were doing it for a purpose other than you.

Step 17 - Eat the glory.

Step 18 - Round the corner. Almost there.

Step 19 - Dig for treasure.

Step 20 - Ask for directions.

Step 21 - Ignore the real. It's only real.

Step 22 - Don't talk to that guy. He's a yeller.

Step 23 - Balk.

Step 24 - Assume you're right.

Step 25 - Eat some broccoli.

Step 26 - Go home.

Step 27- Wait for it.

Step 28 - Keep waiting.

Step 29 - Derive the catalyst.

Step 30 - Stop talking to that guy. Really.

Step 31 - Take your next left.

Step 32 - Knock on the window five times.

Step 33 - Give an assumed name.

Step 34 - Befuddle.

Step 35 - Decry.

Step 36 - Deny.

Step 37 - Inflate.

Step 38 - Repeat your favorite step.

Step 39 - Remember... something. Anything?

I hope that helped. Some of us are too wise to keep it all inside.

June 24, 2008

Besides a New Terrorist Strike on American Soil, These Things Will Help McCain's Campaign

With a dose of gentlemanly humor, good ol' Charlie Black - war profiteer, kindly consultant to dictators and warlords, and a top adviser for John McCain - recently let slip his true feelings on the political advantages of terrorist attacks on the United States. Oopsies!

Ohh, Charlie! You silly goose! Don't say that. I mean, it's true, but surely you would never want to profit or benefit politically from war or terrorism, especially against your own belove-ed land, and I'm sure that... ohh, wait... you rapscallion, you!

You would...

I get it now. Well, good luck seeing this campaign strategy through to a successful end, you beautiful scoundrel. You Karl Rove Lite!

Hooray for terror! Hooray for the fascistic allegiance, idealistic zealotry and thuggy patriotism that it engenders in so many truly stupid people the country o'er!

You're a genius, Charlie Black. Terrorism is your Menace-By-Proxy. Unite the country by focusing on an unknowable enemy. Since we can't define them, we can't defeat them. We will always be united.


That keeps your political and fiscal fortunes fat, and keeps Americans standing together behind this country's highest principle: Fear.

I know it's presumptuous of me to offer suggestions to an obvious master of the game, but I hope beyond hope that you will read these suggestions and take them under advisement as possible strategic initiatives for ensuring McCain's election... you know, if you can't swing that new terrorist attack plan.

1. Run McCain through a "De-Ageification" Machine set at 48.

2. Make the Vice Presidential selection process a reality TV show. Suggested categories: Obsequiousness, Jingoism, Evening Gown, Evasiveness.

3. Court the female vote by making sure McCain always appears in public with a zucchini in his pants.

4. Sponsor a huge, touring, nihilistic rock festival that will tell youthful attendees that voting is only for suckers who do what they're told.

5. McCain should spit out the ping pong balls in his cheeks.

6. Change campaign slogan to "Mega-Yes We Can!" or "Yes We Can Infinity!"

7. Viagra - Oh, wait that's not for ensuring McCain's election. Better stick with the zucchini.

8. McCain must wear only the sexiest push-up bras for his man boobs.

9. Appeal directly to young hip-hop and techno music fans by spelling his name 'MC Cain'.

10. Make sure zucchini is in the front of his pants. Also, it should be at groin height.

11. Roller shoes!

12. A whole-neck tattoo with the image of smooth skin to cover his distinct wattle.

13. Swap identities, ideas, ability and genetic structure with Barack Obama.

14. Must distance himself even further from any hint of Bush by insisting all female staffers get full Brazilian waxes.