May 19, 2011

GUEST AUTHOR: Sarah Palin Writes a List for Me

Hi United Staters!

Well, I'm just thrilled that Brendon asked me to write a list of funny stuff!  It's important, as our country is crushed beneath the boots of a socialist black "president" who was certainly possibly born in America and whose word I'll take for it because that's the classy way to do things respecting the "office of the president" even when a negro is there and I never would disrespect someone as important as the president even when the president kills babies and senior citizens and wants to take your precious freedoms away from you while you're sleeping because he's the president and we'll just all take his word for that and so it's important like I said earlier when I was talking about why it was important because even though we have policy differences and things we still respect each other as people because that's all we are.  I'm people and so is that guy who calls himself president and why we still respect each other because it's like high school and that's what I was taught so why don't we do things that way?

Here's my funny list.  It's called: 

5 ways a white president is different than a black president

First, a white president has hair you can comb!  Isn't that funny, that you can't even comb Barack's hair?  That's not right because you can't comb Satan's hair either because it will burn you!

Second, white presidents have historically started more of our historic wars and our brave troops with the flag of America which has white in it and a couple other colors but not black which might be for a reason even if the elites in the mainstream media won't report why that reason is and God bless them because they fought the wars that the white presidents were so good at starting and that's different than black presidents and we have proof now and it is.

Next, black presidents would look dark green on money and white presidents wouldn't and one way is right more than the other way is right which it isn't right at all.

Lastly, I just want to say that white presidents are more qualified to lead America because more white people live in America than don't and our proud forefathers and their super proud history and it's so important to have someone that whites can look up to and we can't ever forget that and just lose that history and the blacks will be able to look up to the white president because they're used to looking up to the white presidents who are better than black presidents especially for this reason and all the other ones.

Sixth, rap music is bad for small children to learn and a black president would have rap music playing loudly all the time maybe even on Air Force One which really belongs to the great people of this country not to the black president.

That's my funny funny list of 6 ways a white president is better than a black president and thank you for all your laughter which is part of why I like to write funny lists like this and God bless America and the United States!

May 2, 2011

What Osama Bin Laden Was Probably Doing Right Before He Was Killed

1 - Patiently waiting right in front of that one big window at exactly the agreed upon time for his new buddies to meet him for a couple beers.

2 - Trying one last time to fix that crappy beard trimmer.

3 - Waxing his Mustang.

4 - Playing horseshoes with hand grenades.

5 - Feeding the poor.

6 - Meeting with public relations experts to learn how to rebrand himself for today's kids.

7 - Some light couponing.

8 - Slaughtering the recently fed poor.

9 - Ab crunches.

10 - Learning some Joni Mitchell tracks for his new cover album.

11 - Figuring out where Obama was really born.

12 - Wondering what that sound was.