June 6, 2007

Dear Reader, The Following Information Will Crush Your Spirits

1. Santa Claus is real; well, was real, before he was executed for the genocide of the elf race. If you don't believe this, ask yourself: how many elves have you ever met?

2. Pro wrestling is not real. It's super-real.

3. The good news: Your love life is better than a porn movie. The bad news: Your love life is just barely better than a porn movie, and your sex life is much, much worse.

4. Your left hand does indeed know what your right hand is doing, as do most of your neighbors.

5. A disturbingly large number of people in this country believe George W. Bush is competent, and a similarly large group believe dinosaur bones were buried by God to test their faith. Thankfully, the two groups overlap almost perfectly.

6. The revolution will be televised after all, but it will be pay-per-view... with commercials.

7. Ultimately, you will die alone, unless you are being hacked to pieces by an angry mob.

8. The bad news: Your children will always be ungrateful. The good news: They will die young.

9. Everyone is pretending to like you, even those people who actually like you.

10. All your dreams will be killed by all your nightmares.

11. You actually have a lot more to fear than fear itself.


Jessica said...

Ummm... Brendon, I hate to be the one to say this, but have you ever considered you might be a tiny bit obsessed with dinosaurs?

Brendon Etter said...

Actually, those may be the only mentions of dinosaurs in the 420+ posts on this blog. I swear; I just thought about them for a day (or so)...

Anonymous said...

What are you talking about, Jessica? Brenden is clearly obsessed with axe-wielding clowns! His loyalties will never be divided.

Anonymous said...

Oops, sorry I spelled your name wrong, BrendOOOOOOOOOOOOOn. Please don't send one of your axe-wielding clowns after me. It was truly an accident.

Unknown said...

Um, what are you people talking about, You can never, ever be a tad too obsessed with dinosaurs.

also, there is a velociraptor behind you. He is hungry.

ShOI said...

At least he hasn't mentioned the dreadful clownosaurus. I hate that thing.