June 30, 2007

Things I Wish You Would Do Other Than Peeing On My Head

1. Rub my back.

2. Read me poetry.

3. Take me out to eat.

4. Find my other blue sock.

5. Drive me to the park.

6. Divine water.

7. Cut me off a slice of that.

8. Untie these ropes.

9. Fracture my shins.

10. Burn me with your cigarette.

11. Jab me with that fork much harder.

12. Hang me upside down for an hour.

(ahh, fuck it...)

13. Pee more directly in my mouth.

Rubik's Products That Were Not As Commercially Successful As The Cube

1. Rubik's Casket

2. Rubik's Condom

3. Rubik's Atomic Scale Cube

4. Rubik's Razor Blabe

5. Rubik's Puzzling Douche

6. Rubik's Phlegm

7. Rubik's Square

8. Rubik's Artificial Heart

9. Rubik's Brick Rubric

10. Rubik's Cube: Special Monochromatic Edition

11. Rubik's AWD Sport Coupe

12. Rubik's Breast Implants

13. Rubik's Cornmeal

14. Rubik's Hits: The Cube Master Sings Soft Rock Classics

Signs That You Don't Exist

Are you real? How do you know? Philosophers tell us it is impossible to determine; therefore, I thought it may be advantageous to provide some clues to help you proove that you don't exist. If you can't satisfy any of these conditions, then you probably exist! Or maybe you are in some heretofore unknown third state that is neither existence or non-existence. Well, regardless, here are the signs that you don't exist.

1. You are not reading this word right............. now!

2. When you stand in front of the mirror, all you see is a big, fat, ugly, loser nobody

3. When you stab yourself in the eye with a very large, very sharp knife, it just passes right through, hitting nothing. (Note: Please try this before moving on to the next sign.)

4. You were not invited to Jenny's birthday party.

5. People don't talk to you any more, especially the ones you buried in your basement crawlspace.

6. Sometimes you just feel a little "un", you know?

7. When you dream, you dream of nothing, because you can't dream, because you aren't there to dream.

8. You're hiding, and no one can see you! Awesome!

9. You are in junior high.

June 29, 2007

Other Things Barry Bonds Has Used To Help Him Break Hank Aaron's Home Run Recod

1. Quantum physics

2. Harry Potter's magic wand (see here for who else has used Harry's wand lately)

3. His evil twin's evil twin

4. The power of positive thinking

5. His other "club"

6. A super-secret super computer

7. Vaguely-demonic flying monkeys

8. A pleasing musk scent

9. Federal home run regulations

10. Mass hallucinations

11. Good oral hygiene

12. Rising thermals

13. The U.S. Navy

14. Shape-shifting Jesus

15. A brutal campaign of torture and emotional intimidation

16. International home run sharing credits with home run exporting nations

17. A cute little dragon named Shubby

18. The Shit

19. The international accounting firm of Price Waterhouse Coopers

20. Outright lies

21. A cadre of highly-paid attorneys

22. Shinola

This Is What Will Happen in the New Harry Potter Book

1. Hermione discovers another good use for Harry's magic wand.

2. So does Hagrid.

3. And Dobby.

4. On page 39 alone, the word "magic" will be used 53 times.

5. The highly-stressed, competitive group of teenagers at Hogwarts will once again pass another whole year without cursing even once. Truly magical.

6. Nearly four-hundred pages of extraneous text are actually a complex spell of their own; anyone reading it will be transported into a mystical kingdom of shit.

7. Harry uses the Avada Kedavra curse on Voldemort, who blocks and counters with his own, which Harry counter-blocks and counter-counters, which Voldemort counter-counter-counters and double-counter-blocks, which Harry then counter-counter-counter-counters and triple-counter-blocks, and this goes on for 750 pages.

8. Harry and Voldemort share a Snickers bar. Voldemort, who is highly allergic to peanuts, swells up and asphyxiates.

9. Near the end of the book, Hermione realizes that her own magic wand can also be put to that very same good use.

10. For no real reason, Draco comes out of the closet.

11. Harry dies, and the last fourteen pages of the book are in huge boldface type saying, and I paraphrase here, that Harry is just fucking dead and get over it and there is no fucking chance in hell that he is going to come back to life in any fucking form whatsoever and, in fact, everyone in the magical world forgets about him completely and just goes about their normal, everyday life as if nothing ever happened, because nothing ever did, because it's a fucking story, and it's not real and stop fucking asking me to write anything else and get your own fucking life!!

12. Harry wakes up in his bedroom to find it was all a bizarre dream, and you were there, and you, and you, and...

June 28, 2007

Questions The Courts Have Told Me I'm No Longer Permitted To Ask

1. Pardon me, ma'am, may I borrow your vagina for a couple hours?

2. How many more of my bullets are you going to take from me before your organs fail?

3. Are you absolutely positive you don't want to buy life insurance from me right away?

4. Wouldn't it be neat to measure exactly how long your small intestine is?

5. Are you sure you're under eighteen?

6. Have you seen my arson I left in your former kitchen last night?

7. I don't know, is it red or white wine with toddler meat?

8. Why are we fighting a war in Iraq?

If You Have Yet to Master the Jedi Mind Trick, Try These

1. The Jedi Card Trick ("Where's the little lady? Where's the little lady? You're wrong!")

2. The Jedi Blind Trick (Not really a trick, per se, more of this thing where you don your Jedi garb and then walk around town tripping blind people. If you'd like, you could make those cool light saber sound effects while you're doing it; although I don't think that really adds anything particularly "Jedi" to this one.)

3. The Jedi Dick Trick (Richard Nixon was the master of this one, of course. Not to be confused with the Jedi Dick Tuck which is what happens to sexually-confused Jedi serial killers after a few too many dry ice martinis at the cantina. "It places the lotion in the basket, Jabba.")

4. The Jedi Mind Fuck ("Whoooaaa! Hey, Han, check this out... if the universe is, like, constantly expanding, what is it expanding into?")

5. The Jedi Pin Prick (Use the force to levitate a thumbtack onto your teacher's chair.)

6. The Jetta Mind Trick (Somehow convincing your friend that he actually can move his sofa to his new apartment using his Volkswagen.)

7. The Jedi Line Trick ("Hey, Leia, which of these two lines is longer? The answer might surprise you!")

8. The Jedi Dime Trick ("Oh my God? What's that behind your ear, young Padawan?")

9. The Jedi Mile Trick (This is a great one! When someone is just about ready to get into your car, accelerate forward for about ten feet, then stop and yell at him or her: "C'mon, get in already! I've got serious Jedi business to attend to!" Repeat. Stop after about a mile of this, or whenever the laughter gets to be too much.)

June 27, 2007

Men Are Dicks: Here's Why

1. Implicated in many local impregnatings.

2. Are constantly disempowering women by unplugging them.

3. Selfishly want to engage in discussions that do not revolve around exactly what you want to talk about.

4. Have fucking foul mouths.

5. Can't stop ejaculating everywhere they go.

6. Spend far too little time in the shoe store with you.

7. Deliberately interferes with your ritualistic slaying of his old girlfriends.

8. When asked what he thinks of your new blouse, he answers with incorrect honesty.

9. Always getting prostate cancer and dying.

10. Eat your cooking, but won't pay for it.

11. Don't even really try to co-menstruate.

Radical Steps for Lessening My Carbon Footprint on This Earth

1. Now walking exclusively on my hands.

2. Ridding all carbon from my life in a massive bonfire.

3. Teleporting all my trash to parallel-universe-Earth.

4. Sealing all trees around me in polyurethane to prevent the soil from being over-carboned.

5. Now grilling with magnesium briquettes only.

6. Pushing car wherever I go.

7. Eliminating carbon from my diet.

8. Reducing risk of producing dangerously carbon-based offspring by having sex with vinyl women only.

9. No longer defecating.

I'm Not Easy To Date

According to many reliable sources and one police report, I'm not the easiest man in the world to date. But, Brendon, you're asking, you know how to spell "very handsome", "wealthy" and "prodigiously endowed", which is the next best thing to being each, what's not to like? I have some guesses as to why I may sully so many perfectly-good relationships.

1. My wife frequently does not remind me to call my girlfriends back until a couple hours after one of them calls me.

2. Obsession with feedback means most dates are spent filling out and collating client satisfaction surveys.

3. Constantly "asking" date if her tits are real.

4. Most don't seem to appreciate that our dating does give me implicit permission to sell their dirty underwear on fetish auction websites.

5. Desire for open communication often leads to lengthy sessions spent reviewing video of past dates to show her where she could make improvements for future dates.

6. I eat scabs.

7. Sexual arousal between me and my date is often irreparably diminished while waiting for my wife to wake up and move to the sofa.

8. I keep forgetting that mandatory drug testing is no longer done by taste alone.

9. Many of my dates don't understand the complex legal issues involved in dating a serial killer who has been freed under the state's new sex-release program.

10. My fees are, perhaps, too high for most.

11. Apparently, I should wait until the second date to introduce the fourteen-inch dildo.

Everything I Know About Women

1. They are, apparently, a revised edition of men.

2. In locker rooms, they brag constantly about the size of their genitals, just like men do.

3. They absolutely love having abortions; all female fetuses must be killed to prevent this from happening in the future.

4. Some of them have been taught to spell.

5. In locker rooms, they brag constantly about the size of their breasts, just like men do.

6. They worship the one, true God: Oprah.

7. Are believed to be armed and dangerous.

8. All think exactly alike about every issue.

9. Strongly suspected to have a hand in procreation.

10. Most carry treatment-resistant strains of girl germs.

11. Will shoot out a dense cloud of menstrual fluid to disorient potential predators.

12. They just love everything you're wearing.

13. Hate it when you call them, constantly, from 2 - 6 a.m.

14. Will have sex with every pizza delivery man who comes to the door, and then not pay for the pizza!

15. Will ensnare men with their vaginas until a marriage is agreed to.

16. Can kill you with their cold, dead eyes and/or kindness.

17. Ovulate all over everything.

June 26, 2007

What I Said to the Kids Blasting Led Zeppelin in a Local Public Park

1. "No way! Finally! Someone has rescued Zep from obscurity!"

2. "Did you know that listening to Led Zeppelin is linked to strange men approaching you in local public parks and stabbing you in the head?"

3. "Do you guys have any good heroin? The stuff the 8th graders sold me just ain't working."

4. Nothing; we just did air guitar licks for, like, five or six hours, man.

5. "Hey! Have you guys ever heard that one song: 'Staircase to Heaven'?"

6. "Gentlemen, my name is Brendon Etter, prosecuting attorney under retainer for the Recording Industry Association of America. Were you aware that playing music above a certain volume in a public setting constitutes an unlicensed performance subject to up to three years in prison and a fine of not less than $10,000?"

7. "You guys want to see what I have under this trench coat?"

8. "Turn it down, you damn hippies!"

9. "I appreciate the risk you teens are taking in loudly blaring the energetic new music of your generation."

10. "How much for your little sister?"

11. "But don't you realize that they've misspelled 'Lead'?"

12. "Children, this is simply gateway heavy metal; soon you'll be listening to Black Sabbath and Iron Maiden, then, I fear, it will be too late for you all."

13. "Dude, I don't know where you guys have been; I've been listening to Zep for, like, over a year already."

14. "Wanna get high and break shit?"

My Ancestors Could Beat Up Your Ancestors

1. Like techno-vegan weenieboy, Moby, I am also descended directly from a whale metaphor, except mine ain't no pussy whale like his. Mine's fucking, sea-mammal-ninja-level deadly.

2. My great-great grandfather once shot a man in Reno just to watch Johnny Cash write a song about him dying.

3. My great aunt's great uncle was the first man to attach lasers to tap shoes.

4. I am directly descended from the first mutant, serial killer pope.

5. My mother's mother's family dug the Panama Canal with only their penetrating stares.

6. A female relative in the Romanian branch of my father's family went to prom with Vlad the Impaler, and made him cry like a little homicidal baby.

7. My great-grandmother's great aunt survived for three years on cyanide alone.

What Else I Call the Port-A-Potty That Has Been at the End of My Block for the Past Year

1. Perm-A-Potty

2. The Guest House

3. The Self-Powered Waterslide

4. The Pooclear Missile

5. The Summer Cabin

6. The Institute for Higher Shitting

7. The Dysenteria

8. The First in an Advancing Wave of Our New Mechanized Port-A-Potty Overlords (Dear God! The Port-A-Potties are building other Port-A-Potties! Nooooooooooooooooooo!!!!!!)

9. Mitchell

10. The Ancestral Homestead

11. The Abductitorium

12. Smellfield, Minnesota

13. Disneyland North (C'mon in, kids! Only fifty bucks!)

14. Efficiency Apartment for Three College Students

15. The Organic Mudbath

16. An Architectural Crapperpiece

17. A Very Boring Roller Coaster Indeed

18. The Newest Wi-Fi Hotspot

19. The Artist's Studio

20. The Funniest Neighborhood Blight

21. The Candy Store

22. Our U-Store-It

23. Discount Fertilizer Warehouse

24. A Very Large and Lonely Maraca

25. Ol' Turd Shed

26. The Great American Hero

27. Porty/Potty/Party Central

28. Modern Art

You Must See Kenny G Live. Seriously. I Would Never Joke About This.

Kenny G, short for Kenny Gee, is coming to a town near you. You must see him live! Here's why!

1. You are 97 years old, and feeling like it might be time to cut loose.

2. You have been unable to induce vomiting through other means.

3. Because it's less smelly, albeit less interesting, than seeing Kenny G dead.

4. You are highly allergic to the funk.

5. You have an old saxophone-gang-related score to settle.

6. Still suffering the effects of massive cognitive dissonance after buying the collector's edition of Kenny's 1983 album "G Force".

7. You are Michael Bolton, and you're looking for an edgy collaborator for your next album.

8. Must check to see if he's been able to maintain his dangerous, devil-may-care hirsutity.

9. Because you are a bored, sexually-frustrated housewife and realize that you're going to have to settle for seeing the musical elf version of Fabio.

10. You enjoy being underwhelmed.

11. You are in the junior high band, and Mr. Delpino is giving extra credit if you bring in your ticket stub.

12. You are the ghost of a jazz great and are just checking to make sure that your music has crossed over into the mainstream without any sacrifice in integrity.

13. You are blindingly white.

June 25, 2007

Why I'm Excited About Your Frequent Excessive Drinking

1. With all the empty bottles we're returning for the deposit, it's like we're saving a ton of money at the liquor store every day.

2. Obviously, our relationship is so fulfilling that it should, indeed must, be celebrated with eight or nine or so romantic glasses of wine every night.

3. It's a lot cheaper than frequent excessive shooting up.

4. We recycle a lot more now, which is great for the planet.

5. It's always heartwarming to see someone honor their German ancestry so completely.

6. Because sobriety cruelly opressed your inner beauty, wit and dancing ability from being shared with large crowds of people you hardly know.

7. Really has strengthened your social connections with other well-balanced, influential heavy drinkers.

8. Yes, I was extremely curious about what you ate for lunch. Thank you for showing me.

9. Should I ever need to survive by eating your carcass, I will be reminded how thoughtful you were to have pre-marinated your liver for me.

10. It's very important to support our local bar economy.

11. I feel much more at peace with the world now that you have so loudly relieved me of the burden of many of my most intimate secrets.

12. You used to waste so much valuable time trying to make yourself look and smell presentable.

What, Exactly, Is The F***?

1. Farm?

2. Food?

3. Four?

4. Fart?

5. Full?

6. Funk?

7. Fort?

8. Fire?

9. F^#@?

10. Flip?

11. Fool?

12. F150?

13. Fork?

14. Fish?

15. Fuse?

16. Feel?

17. Fast?

18. Fine?

19. Fuxx?

20. Fido?

21. Flay?

22. Frat?

23. Ffff?

24. Fate?

25. Fail?

26. Fooo?

27. Fuku?

28. Fifi?

29. Flax?

30. Flap?

31. Fuct?

32. Fobs?

33. Flee?

34. Face?

35. Foal?

36. Fukc?

Potential Drawbacks of My New Deathtrap

1. Not very environmentally sound. Requires city-dimming levels of electricity to charge and operate.

2. Victim's blood does not make a very satisfying gurgling sound as it runs down the drain.

3. Might make me forget the simple pleasure I once knew in killing people the old-fashioned way.

4. Many of the parts are import only, making future repairs prohibitively expensive.

5. All that terrified wailing and screeching after 9 p.m. will probably result in fines from Gary, the new guy in charge of the condo association.

6. May cause coma and/or death, which is not what I designed it for.

7. It's portable, but not as sexy as I had hoped - making it that much harder to pick up / grind up hot chicks.

8. Victim's screams usually not in harmony with my maniacal laugh.

9. Not as completely splatter-proofed as I had thought.

10. Poor sightlines make viewing the exact moment of death a little harder than previous deathtrap.

11. Higher efficiencies may bore me after a while.

12. People are constantly confusing it with my doomsday device.

13. Still not handicapped-accessible, putting me directly in conflict with federal law.

June 24, 2007

What Else Chatroom Abbreviations Could Mean

1. ROTFLMAO - Right Over There Four Large Men Are Ovulating

2. LOL - Licks Old Ladies

3. AFAIK - Already Found Another Immobile Kid

4. IMHO - Iron Mine Has Opened

5. JK - Just Killing

6. B4N - Boy, 4 Nipples

7. KWIM - Kissing Wet Insane Monkeys

8. ROTFLMAO - Rolling On The Floor Laughing My Anus Off

9. AFK - Ambulance For Kittens

10. CYA - Count Your Aortas

11. OMG - Oddly Mutilated Gecko

12. WTF - Way Too Fatuous

13. PITA - Pimpled, Intense Teen Angst

14. SOL - Sucks Old Ladies

15. RTFM - Really Tired From Masturbating

16. SNAFU - Super Nasty All Fur Underwear

17. FYI - Found Your Intestines

18. BRB - Bang Ripe Booty

19. OCIAHYFWDYA - Of Course I'm A Hot Young Female, Why Do You Ask

20. F2F - Face To Fuck

21. EOM - Eats Only Mustard

22. TMI - Touch My Internet

Sure Signs That Your Teenager Is Addicted To Heroin

With the apparent uptick in heroin usage among students (and maybe teachers?) at Northfield High School (It was even in the newspaper; so it's gotta be true), this writer offers, as a nearly-free public service, a comprehensive listing of warning signs that your teenager is addicted to heroin.

1. Has small "x" marks drawn on his arm with the words "jab here" written underneath each one.

2. Frequently compliments your cooking by saying: "Wow, Mom! This meatloaf is almost as good as heroin!"

3. You find a dozen used syringes in his sock drawer; one more than usual.

4. Asks if you happen to have another $500 cash on you to buy another mountain bike, because the one he bought yesterday is "all used up."

5. Eyes are bloodshot and have needles sticking out of them.

6. Is fifteen, but calm, thoughtful and well-mannered.

7. You begin to notice sporadic $300 charges on your credit card statement from Ye Olde Narcotic Shoppe.

8. Surprisingly little reaction to placing his hand on the hot burner the second, third and fourth times.

9. Listens to "drug music" that features guitars, drums and singing all amplified electronically in some sinister, heroinic manner, then recorded on CD "tracks".

10. You find a five-hundred foot spool of surgical tubing in his room, and you're pretty sure he's not taking AP Surgery until next year.

11. Is six feet tall, weighs eighty-five pounds.

12. When confronted, he begins denying it irrationally; until he shoots up and begins denying it much more logically.

13. Watches TV, talks on the phone, stays up late, thinks he knows everything.

14. His arms whistle when he walks.

15. Seems very sensitive about where you move his "science experiment" baggies.

16. Changes his e-mail address to "iluvheroin@heroinfuntime.com".

17. Even though you've loved him since birth, he is no longer as willing to smoke a bowl with you.

18. Has one of those yellow novelty "Keep Out! Heroin In Use!" signs on his door.

19. Remarks that the first thing he notices about a girl is his possible percentage of her "rental" value.

20. Recently upgraded to "Platinum" status in the Heroin-of-the-Month Club.

21. Can't stop talking about veins.

22. Not as conscious as he once was.

23. Routinely talks to his good friend, "Bob Smith" in Afghanistan.

24. Subscribes to both "H Illustrated" and "Black Tar Quarterly".

25. No longer gets up at the crack of noon.

Other Things You Can't Tell from a Hole in the Ground

1. A whole in the ground

2. A bright shiny diamond

3. Your asp

4. A Magritte painting of a hole in the ground

5. A hole in the groundbeef

6. A vertical ventilation shaft for an underground mining operation

7. A mole home in the ground

8. A hoe in the ground

9. A well dug for accessing groundwater tables

My Superpowers That Are Currently in the Development Phase

1. Being able to sing proficiently in a five-octave range.

2. Call-backwarding.

3. Omni-directional whining.

4. Permanent 2-for-1 entrees at most local restaurants.

5. Jumping over a swinging rope in a single bound.

6. Making anyone think I'm sleeping when I'm actually sort-of awake.

7. Propelling self through water using only my arms and legs.

8. Reading while skydiving.

9. Instant torpor.

10. Making time seem to stop through use of excessive exposition.

11. Brushing and flossing at the same time.

12. Evading the question.

13. Putzing around sub-atomically.

14. Really great at washing dishes.

15. Ability to travel forward in time and place.

16. Projectile cursing.

17. Can catch bullets with only one bullet wound per catch.

June 23, 2007

New Basketball Rule Suggestions

1. Average height of five people on the floor not to exceed six feet for men, five and a half for women. (For example, a men's team playing four seven-footers at once would have to have their remaining on-court player measure not more than two feet tall.)

2. Slam dunks now only worth only one point.

3. Baskets have slow-moving, mini-golf-style windmill mounted on the backboard in such a way that the windmill blades pass in front of the rim as they rotate.

4. Shots made from beyond the other team's free-throw line are worth thirty points.

5. Steals are worth one point.

6. No more free throws. Fouls simply result in your team losing one point. Negative total and individual scoring is allowed. (For example, a player who makes one three-pointer but fouls out would finish the game with -2 points.)

7. Kicking the ball is now allowed.

8. Jump ball replaced with toss-up trivia question. Winning team gets possession of the ball.

9. Full-court press only allowed after all other, less severe, defenses have been exhausted.

June 22, 2007

Hot New Panties

Women's underwear developers recently met at a world forum in Rotterdam. Among the many issues under discussion: How do we update women's underwear to help it shed the quaint, Industrial Age veneer it now cradles? Technology, design and genital-swaddling experts all offered numerous suggestions. What follows is a listing of the best of those ideas for re-imagining women's underwear in the digital age.

1. Increase thonginess by one-third over the next ten years.

2. Work on keyboard design to increase accuracy of labial text messaging.

3. Decrease each individual panty's carbon "crotchprint," especially when in use.

4. Fewer levers in the wrong places.

5. Web-enabled chip allows user and invited guests to access each pair's homepage where they can track that underwear's vital statisitics.

6. Fewer coal and steel-based design themes, more based on nano-circuitry.

7. Figure out how to make them, somehow, reversible.

8. Bring laciness-to-daintiness ratio back into a respectable balance.

9. Use only natural, unprocessed fibers, like jute twine or sinew.

Nancy Drew Mysteries That Never Made It To Bookstore Shelves

For various reasons, the following Nancy Drew Mysteries never quite made it all the way to your local bookstore.

1. The Mysterious Trembling Thighs

2. Nancy and the Very Expensive Habit

3. The Ghost of Highly-Regrettable Past Actions

4. The Clue in the Puppy's Small Intestine

5. The Secret of the Golden Shower

6. The Quest for Racial Purity

7. The Frat Party at Creepy Creek

8. The Mystery of the Aching Sphincter

9. The Search for a Fucking Point in Doing This Shit Any More

10. Tag-Team: Nancy Drew the Hardy Boys

11. The Haunted Cock Ring

12. The Case of the Weeping Sores

13. The Snuff Film of the Jade Mask

14. Nancy Unwisely Takes on the Mob

15. Nancy Drew: Assface

Some Suggested New Rules for Baseball

1. Batters get four strikes, but pitchers get a second ball.

2. Last twenty feet of baseline before each base covered with an operational Slip-n-Slide.

3. Runners who successfully steal a base no longer subject to felony theft charges.

4. Beer vendors allowed on field during game; players get voucher for one free bottle per inning.

5. Warning track must be made out of Flubber.

6. Pop flies subject to remote control by instantaneous majority of fans.

7. Second, deeper-outfield fence for special 3-point home run.

8. Each team allowed to place one invisible space-time wormhole anywhere on playing surface.

9. Mandated synchronized crotch scratching before each pitch.

10. Players who collect at least four hits in a game may then execute their special Power-Up move, except, of course, up-up-down-down-left-right-left-right-B-A-start.

11. If hit by a pitch, pitcher must remove glove and attempt to dodge one free throw from batter.

12. Players are each allowed one "do-over" per game.

13. By pre-game agreement of both teams, one inning per game may be played on horseback.

14. If ejected from game, managers are then allowed to kick dirt on three-umpire appeals court.

June 21, 2007

Alternatives to Days of Wine and Roses

1. Weeks of Kool-Aid and Carnations

2. Minutes of Diet Coke and Lillies

3. Fortnights of Phlegm and Phlox

4. Months of Vodka and Crabgrass

5. Hours of Milk and Posies

6. Time of Beer and Ferns

7. Eons of Pee and Peonies

8. Years of Tequila Shooters and Deforestation

9. Centuries of Cocoa and Chrysanthemums

10. Ages of Cream and Chukka Chukka

11. Decades of Soda and Goldenrod

12. Days of Ros├ęs and Roses

13. Instances of Blood and Larkspur

14. Millennia of Nog and Buttercups

Reasons Why We Should Not Save WCAL

Ardent supporters of former independent public radio station, WCAL, located on the campus of St. Olaf College in Northfield, MN, have been spanking the college for selling the station to communications megalith, Minnesota Public Radio (MPR).

While I applaud their efforts at holding the college legally accountable for the manner in which WCAL's sale and financial legacy have been handled - it is important not to let a soulless, corporate, educational hegemon like St. Olaf become too powerful - I can't help but think that there may have been legitimate, non-fiscal reasons for giving the station the axe.

Here's what I think those reasons might have been.

1. WCAL had recently played a Beethoven piece, indicating the horrid depths to which they had sold out.

2. On occasion, two or more listeners would call the station almost simultaneously, jamming their telephone line and causing communication headaches throughout the studio.

3. Most popular show, Smug Music Appreciation Society Hour, incorrectly labeled the composer of one work as Johann Michael Bach when it was clearly Johann Jacob Bach. Naturally, the college acted in such a way as to distance themselves from the shame.

4. Station came down on the wrong side of the heated "cellos" or "celli" debate.

5. WCAL had been found in the bedrooms of many underage choir girls throughout the area.

6. Medieval Music Middays found to be insufficiently monophonic, expressing a surprising degree of modulation. Sent many listeners into shock.

7. Sunday's eight-hour church service broadcast had become almost as exciting as an actual eight-hour church service; too hot for the college to handle.

8. Station came down on the wrong side of the less-heated "Hitler" or "Stalin" debate.

9. WCAL was frequently drunk on the power of the harpsichord; needed an intervention to save itself from itself.

10. Fully half of all eighty-six listeners had lapsed into "drone comas."

11. Upon sonic analysis, one piece was discovered to have employed an electrical instrument thereby immediately invalidating the station's listener contract.

12. Microphone technology not yet sufficiently advanced to pick up hosts' self-importantly hushed tones.

Commandments #11 through #20

American archeologists and British archaeologists have recently unearthed a stone tablet which they say contains the holy commandments eleven through twenty as passed down from God to Moses. Experts speculate that Moses may have forgotten the tablet "accidentally-on-purpose" when he and the Lord failed to see eye-to-eye on some of the stipulations in this second set of ten rules. Presented here, for the first time in human history, are those commandments.

11. Do what you will; those first ten were really just off-the-cuff remarks.

12. Stop competing: no one "wins" in life.

13. Connect.

14. Skateboarding is not a crime.

15. Believe in somebody; let somebody believe in you.

16. In a couple thousand years or so, this guy named Jesus is going to come around. Be nice to him; because, when he is old and gray, he's going to invent the internet.

17. Learn dirty jokes.

18. Make peope laugh.

19. Pay no attention to old guys in long robes.

20. Fight the power.

Death Has An Image Problem

People do it every day. They die. Yet, no matter how routine or foreseen the death, we humans just can't get over it. Are we to blame the fraility of our emotions? The permanence of the loss? Neither.

We must blame death and its shitty public relations program. Death has a distinct image problem. Something can be done to put a new sheen on the shackles of mortality, however. Here are some suggestions.

1. Grim Reaper absolutely must wear sunglasses.

2. We most greatly fear what we don't understand; therefore, death should be made available on a trial basis.

3. We must teach about death at a young age. If you have extra children you're not using, consider sacrificing one to educate the rest.

4. Death should come in different flavors with radical names like Bustin' Bashed Head Berry , Crazy CranCancer or Trippin' Tubularculosis Tea.

5. Christmas and birthdays are great for one reason; people should also get a lot of presents when they die.

6. More buxom celebrity spokesmodels.

7. Free coffin days once a month will give people a deadline to shoot for and the good feeling that comes when you know you've saved a bunch of cash.

8. Cemeteries should be situated inside popular amusement parks.

9. Consider offering death on an installment plan: you would simply die a little bit more every month until fully dead.

10. Be prepared! Always remind your children and loved ones that you may die that day. The more you remind them, the better prepared they will be. I recommend at least once every thirty seconds.

11. Find a death mentor. Consider death mentoring a child in your neighborhood, or volunteering with Big Dead Brothers / Big Dead Sisters.

12. Considering forming a social institution founded on the myth that you will never really die if you believe in certain things.

June 20, 2007

How Can I Suck More?

I'm often asked: "Brendon, you suck; how can I suck more like you?"

Thanks for the question! Find below my advice for increasing your Level of Suck (LOS in the technical literature) to new heights.

1. Believe in yourself! You have to believe that you can suck, or you'll suck at sucking.

2. Practice, practice, practice! Young kids want to just wake up one day and suck like the pros; forgetting that we pros have been working diligently at sucking our entire lives. Sucking is like anything else: the harder you work at it, the more you suck.

3. Suck in a distinctive manner. It's all well and good to suck just like everyone else, but how do you expect anyone to notice your sucking? You'll just blend in with the rest of the suck. You have to suck in a way that is all your own!

4. Read up on sucking. I cannot stress enough how rare it is to find someone who can just suck naturally. Building a solid background in sucking through the literature helps contextualize your sucking in solid theory and best practices.

5. Open up your sucking to constructive criticism. From time to time, ask those around you: How am I sucking?

6. Keep it fresh! Experiment with sucking in a slightly different way than how you might have sucked previously. It's too easy to let your sucking fall into a rut, and that sucks.

7. Suck in the details. Everyone can suck in the broad sense, but those who really excel at sucking know how to pay attention to sucking at all the little things.

8. Finally: It's not enough to just talk about sucking; get out there and do it!

More New Features Of Internet7

1. Performs most minor surgeries.

2. Senses when there's an intruder in your home and attacks.

3. Changes data about other metals into data about gold.

4. Can de-vein a chicken.

5. Changes your underwear so you don't have to.

6. Grows a full vegetable garden in one-fifth the normal time.

7. Lathers, rinses and repeats up to forty million times per second.

8. Can drive stick.

9. Performs as many rectal exams as you may need or want.

10. Will deliver actual bombs to enemies' computers.

11. Records all your thoughts for future recall.

12. Absolutely free barf bags.

13. Always tells the truth. Always. Really.

Classes Offered In My Art History Doctorate Program

1. Appreciative Staring 5325

2. Modern Art Vs. Food Stains: Crucial Differences 6090

3. Looking Down Your Nose I 4050

4. Fashioning An Impenetrable Argot 6170

5. Artists Who Are In Right Now 5215

6. Turtleneck, Tiny Glasses, Mussed Hair: Dress For Success 7110

7. Looking Down Your Nose II 5975

8. Sensibilities And Sensitivities: What Gets You Laid 7340 (Men only)

9. Absolute Subjectivity: Interpreting Art Correctly 4980

10. Lightly Nodding In A Knowing Manner 5920

11. Both Your Career Options 6600

12. Looking Down Your Nose: Practicum 8780

Status Report: Taking Over The World

Subjugation of all peoples.

Accomplished to date
Subjugation of Al Peeples, 54, of Sandusky, Ohio.

Action Plan
Continue to work on the remainder of the Peeples family: Stacy, 49, (wife); Al, Jr., 24, (son); Alison, 20, (daughter); Molly, 15, (daughter); and Giggles, 4, (cat). Rapidly spring forward from this base of subjugation to more hastily, but thoroughly, subjugate all other peoples.

Control world's supply of uranium.

Accomplished to date
Recently came into possession of an abnormally large amount of tin.

Action Plan
Construct large tin shed, pump the B-52's party anthem "Love Shack" so loudly as to attract the attention of uranium-wielding dictators of the world who I will chauffeur in my Chrysler which is as big as a whale, seats about twenty.

Tunnel to center of the world, set up massive tectonic control center to single-handedly manipulate the movements of the planet's upper crust.

Accomplished to date

Rented a Bobcat mini-excavator from Home Depot.

Action Plan

Dig like crazy. The Bobcat is due back on Sunday, or I pay an additional $100 per day late fee.

Round up all fauna: of the air, of the sea, of the land. Lead all to massive reserve in the Canadian Arctic.

Accomplished to date
This one is not going well at all. Canadian government has denied my attempt to purchase "useless" northern territories. Also, there have been some serious, unforeseen species compatibility issues: for example, the lions seem to view the penguins as slow-moving, wobbly steaks.

Action Plan
Need more fencing. Consider approaching Russia with offer to purchase most of its unnecessary outer regions. Teach penguins judo.

June 19, 2007

Thank You, Anonymous E-mail Message, For Your Concern About The Size Of My Love Rocket

Dear Sender of Anonymous E-mail Message,

I wish I could know exactly who you are; my attempts to reply to your altruistic missive were rebuffed. (Perhaps the problem is on your end? Would you please check to make sure you aren't filtering out my messages?)
Regardless, before receiving your thoughtful, well-worded letter, I must confess that I failed to realize the serious nature of my love rocket problem.

To think that my lovely wife of fifteen years might stray because of my love rocket's underperformance in the field was shocking to say the least. I had thought she was content; now, as you have somehow divined, I realize that I was deluding myself. This love rocket issue may be hard to attack, but attack it I shall.

I am writing here to let you know that I have taken your concerns very much to heart. In addition to buying the low-cost and reputable pills, manuals and apparati to which you directed me, I am also taking the following steps to address my, heretofore unknown, love rocket size issues.

1. Scrapping plans for future deployment of love rocket until design deficiencies are thoroughly examined in committee.

2. Love rocket focus groups will be given opportunity to offer extensive commentary on what aspects of love rocket design and use they find most satisfying as consumers.

3. Rigorous prototype testing of any changes in propulsion, stability, maneuverability and ballistics to be carried out by teams of love rocket scientists.

4. All testing will be filmed for subsequent review by additional experts in love rocket deployment. Feedback given will be incorporated into additional testing of all possible permutations of love rocket improvements.

5. Hands-on public demonstrations of love rocket improvements at local malls, college frat houses and hotel suites. Consumers of the improved love rocket will be allowed to file comments on their experiences with the new product.

6. Additional fine-tuning of love rocket design, operability and user interface based on consumer feedback.

7. Final round of self and expert testing of love rocket functionality.

8. Love rocket ready for public, commercial use.

Thank you for starting me on the road to improved love rocket implementation. I only wish you were here so I could offer you a truly huge demonstration of my gratitude.

All My Best,
Brendon Etter
Northfield, MN

Before Abracadabra: Incantatory Words That Didn't Deliver True Magical Heft

Before the word "abracadabra" came along, magic and sorcery sputtered. Practitioners struggled for centuries with various formations of syllables before finding the perfect combination of sounds to add the needed zip to their spells, curses and charms. After extensive research, I compile here, for the first time, an exhaustive listing of other, less-successful words and phrases that witches, wizards and warlocks employed.

1. pipipipopadoo

2. ollyollyincomefree

3. thisbetterfuckingworkthistime

4. boo... boo... boo... (repeat until effect has been achieved)

5. kablooey

6. colposinquanoniatibialoconcupiscent

somethingsomething or something else

8. poopybuttfacehead

suckmydeathydeath (dark magic practitioners only)

10. boutrosboutrosghali


12. zenzizenzizenzicality

13. thisspellbroughttoyoubypepsi (never really worked, but magician got reimbursed for the product placement)


15. shablammo

16. whatsthefrequencykenneth

17. magicalwordsmagicalwords

Poorly Composed Graffiti Found in Various Men's Rooms and My Edited Versions Thereof

Actual Graffiti: If your reading this, your a moron!
Edited: If you're reading this, you're a moron!
Commentary: Common mistake, but "your" is a possessive pronoun, while "you're" is a contraction meaning "you are". The writer's intent surely calls for the second case.

Actual: Angela sucks big dick.
Edited: Angela sucks big dicks. -or- Angela sucks a big dick.
Commentary: While "dick" can be, and often is, used metaphorically, it is still a concrete noun, and, as such, it must be quantified.

Actual: Hard to say you're hard to say.
Edited: (rewrite) I find it hard to say that there are things about me that are hard to discuss.
Commentary: The meaning of this redundant scrawl was not clear. Lacking a larger context, I took an educated guess at the author's meaning. I am open to others' opinions on this one. It also may have been a slightly-veiled reference to the author's state of genital engorgement at the time of the writing. Hard to say.

Actual: Rick is a fucking fagott!
Edited: Rick is a fucking faggot! -or- Rick is a fucking bundle of sticks or small branches tied together for use as a fuel!
Commentary: One really shouldn't be allowed to cast an aspersion until one can spell the aspersion correctly. Similarly, one should spell medieval terms for kindling correctly. Regardless of meaning, it shouldn't take that long to look up "faggot" in the dictionary.

Actual: Die Mutherfucker Die!!!
Edited: Die, mother fucker! Die!
Commentary: I obviously accept neither the highly colloquial misspelling of "Mutherfucker" - it begs the question, what exactly is a "muther" and how does one fuck it - nor its compression into one word. Why use one lengthy, misspelled word when two shorter words, spelled properly, suffice? Also, it seems that the writer wants to tell this particular fucker of mothers to die two separate times. Therefore, I have split the phrase into two sentences. Since the speaker is addressing a mother fucker directly, the comma is needed. "Mother fucker" becomes the implied subject of the second imperative sentence. The use of three exclamation points to end the sentiment, however forceful it may seem, is strictly prohibited.

June 18, 2007

Rules for the Popular New !Extreme! Sport of Gun Tag

1. All players must have the same kind of gun.

2. Each player gets one (1) bullet.

3. There can be no obstacle within the playing area.

4. The playing area is a flat circle, either indoors or outdoors, no more than ten (10) feet in diameter.

5. With the exception of moving their gun, players are not allowed to move.

6. Play commences on the unison count of three (3) by all players.

7. Once three (3) is reached, players may fire their gun (once) at any other player.

8. Winning player is given two (2) points in the standings. Losing player(s) get one (1) point each.

9. Ties will be resolved with a head-to-head shoot-off.

10. Gun Tag operates by Spirit of the Game (SOTG) self-officiating; disputes must be handled in a consensus manner to avoid any violent attempts at resolution.

11. Cheating is not tolerated; violators may be suspended from league play for two (2) matches after a first offense.

Words Besides "Fire" That I Have Discovered You Also Cannot Yell In A Crowded Theater

1. "Flames!"

2. "I have a bomb strapped to my body, and I will blow it up if this movie drops below fifty miles per hour!"

3. "Godzilla!" (Crowded Japanese theater only)

4. "Hey, there are little bits of vomit in this popcorn!"

5. "Choking cloud of poisonous gas!"

6. "Jar Jar Binks!"

7. "Movie!" (Crowded fire station only)

8. "Has anyone seen my underwear?"

9. "Oh! I know this part! She gets killed in about thirty seconds, and the killer turns out to be her long-lost father!"

10. "Hot fucking shit damn!" (G movies only)

11. "Man! That's a big snake!"

12. "Has everyone seen my underwear?"

13. "Rewind!"

14. "See? No point in leaving the movie to go to the bathroom; the pee runs right down the slope!"

15. "Wow! There's lots of popcorn in my vomit!"

Three Extremely Short Stories All Ending With Sex

1. Lady Moncrief-Verrano, besot with rage and turpentine, tossed aside her inhibitions and laid into the Duke. The Duke, a man of means and mean girth, attempted to fight the whirl of petticoats, but quickly tumbled and struck his head on the wrought-iron balustrade. So spilt the blood from his head, that onlookers quickly realized they had just witnessed the end of the House of Essex.

2. A crude child of six smashed his sister's sax. Sneaking up in her sox, she caught the miscreant. He screamed, "This sux! 'Cause I heard Mommy yelling at Daddy 'No more sex!'"

3. A group of praying mantids sailed for the New World. A dispute broke out concerning whether they should more properly pray for favorable breezes or accurate navigation. The argument dragged on for weeks splitting even husbands and wives. As a result, the group bissected in sects of wind and sextant insects.

What I Like About You

1. Rhymes with both "poo poo" and "doo doo", clearly poetic and clearly euphemisms for crap.

2. Is a very rare second-person pronoun.

3. Seems like it's spelled with one letter, but actually it's three. (See also: "eye", "sea" and "queue"- for an extreme example)

4. Homophone with "ewe" with which it doesn't even share a single letter! The only occurence of such a phenomenon (in multi-letter words) in the English language! That's awesome!

5. Eats its young.

6. Always allowed to take U-turns wherever and whenever it so chooses.

7. Not sure exactly, but it's not quite the same as what I like about him, her, it, us or even thou.

8. It's youtastic.

9. Really knows how to dance.

10. Is a pronoun, and, as such, you can always expect things to be handled professionally by you. Much better than sloppy amateur nouns.

11. Is quite famous; can be found all over the internet.

The Complete List Of Everything I Will Never Be Able To Finish

1. Complete transformation into Man of Steel; will now settle for either Ferret of Steel or Man of Steel Wool.

2. My earth-sized globe.

3. This unfinished dining room set, at least not in that horrible color.

4. Cooking and eating myself.

5. Really ever waking up.

6. My semi-autobiographical documentary film about a man who makes documentary films about other people that he is never able to finish.

7. Getting to "the" point.

8. This triple-layer chocolate orgasm cake; it's simply too sinful!

9. This list.


June 17, 2007

Street Signs of the Apocalypse

1. Caution: Apocalypse Crossing

2. Yield for Apocalypse

3. Watch Out for Falling Rocks and Apocalypses

4. Cross-Apocalypses Do Not Stop

5. Apocalypse Limit 55

6. Slow: Apocalypse Ahead

7. Carpool / High-Apocalypse Vehicle Lane

8. Do Not Pass Apocalypse

9. Four-Way Apocalypse

10. Ultimate Toll Booth Ahead: Prepare to Stop; Prepare to Pay

11. Move Over for Merging Apocalypse

12. Exit Here for Apocalypse

June 16, 2007

Evidence That My Computer Is Having An Affair

1. Sometimes it carries out millions of my calculations every second like it would really rather be somewhere else carrying out millions of more exciting calculations every second.

2. It remembered my birthday, but only after I put the date into its calendar application like fifty times.

3. Frequently complains to me that it wants to abort functions... our living, breathing, unexecuted functions!

4. Mysterious processor log entries documenting data uploads and downloads that I know aren't mine.

5. Newly apathetic performance on programs that we used to love to operate together.

6. It swears it's just the cooling fan kicking in, but I can tell that it's sighing.

7. My hard drive feels like it's being read in a cold, perfunctory, almost-automated fashion.

8. After returning home unexpectedly early from a business trip, I found it, somehow, had already been turned on.

9. Screen saver seems like it's over-compensating.

10. I'm finding new bookmarks in my browser linking to articles about the benefits of being in an "open source" programming relationship.

11. When I select "shut down", it happens immediately, but, sometimes, when I select "restart", it pauses as if weighing its options.

12. Seems like it wants nothing to do with my flash drive any more.

June 15, 2007

New Features of Internet7

Dateline: Futuredays. The internet is now in a 7th version. The cool people say "v7.0"; the really cool people say "version septieme." What can this new edition of the internet do for you?

1. Now also dispenses crushed ice, no longer restricted to Internet6's tyranny of ice cubes only.

2. Many sites also act as an effective anti-perspirant. Simply rub the website under your arm in the morning for long-lasting personal odor protection.

3. Will start your car on cold mornings.

4. Will steal your car on other mornings.

5. Full-body X-rays, whether you want them or not (Macintosh iRadiology computers only).

6. Pictures of naked people.

7. Barbecue sites have their own grills for frying up your tasty sirloins.

8. More online restroom facilities.

9. Allows for transmission of written communications called "intertelelectrograms" between two or more people.

10. Virtual virtuality.

11. Extremely cool sites will effectively air condition your home or office.

12. Fetuses can now comfortably gestate online, away from cramped and inefficient wombs.

13. Illegal downloaders immediately placed under homepage arrest.

14. Prechews your tougher foods for you.

15. Finally rids you of the burden of voting by selecting world leaders in one-thousandth the time it took people to make up their minds.

16. Brushes and flosses so you don't have to.

17. Digitally wipes your ass.

The Walleye Of Passion and Other Oddly-Titled Romance Novels

1. The Walleye Of Passion

2. The Broken Wind: Remembrance Of Passed Gas Past

3. Blown Up: A Zero Gravity Love Story

4. Rome Ants: A Romance

5. Heave Ho: The Bosomy Wench

6. Eye Dew: Crying For Marriage

7. Typographical Eros

8. Love In An Emulator: To All The Girls I've Inflated Before

9. Ripped, Shirtless And Hung: Attorneys At Love

10. Love Size Love Sighs

11. Rend My Frilly Blouse And I Will Tilt My Head Back Against Your Smooth Hard Chest And Let My Mouth Hang Slack For An Eternity You Stupid Stupid Man

12. On Top Of The Mountain Man: A Climb Axe Climax

June 14, 2007

Other Things Big Ethanol Will Do to Bridgewater Township in Addition to Suing Them

1. Take their ball and go home and never let the township have another sleepover again.

2. Remind it of the massive problems the township will have ridding itself of the deadly corn plant.

3. Never, ever call.

4. Tell all the other energy industries in the locker room that they totally banged the township.

5. Remove the township from its MySpace friends list.

6. Hire a phalanx of lawyers to intimidate and threaten the township into realizing what a good corporate citizen they would be.

7. Put its hands on its hips, stick out its bottom lip and stomp its foot petulantly.

8. Follow the township's little sister home from school making lewd and suggestive comments.

9. Pretend they like the township's tater tot hotdish, then tell it that Greenvale Township's is actually much hotdishier.

10. Offer to put the development of an ethanol refinery to a final vote of residents conducted on impartial Archer Daniels Midland voting machines.

11. Invite the township to a huge party but tell it that the party's on Saturday, when really it's on Friday.

12. Call the township's mother and tell on it.

Indications That You Almost Certainly Are Disliked

1. When parting company with you, people invariably make air quotes with their fingers when saying "good-bye".

2. Telemarketers hang up on you.

3. You invade foreign countries to distract from your stunning inability to form coherent domestic policies, productive international agreements, articulate thoughts and most common English words over two syllables long.

4. Despite lowering the price to under nine hundred dollars, none of your neighbors has yet to purchase the rights to eating peanut butter off your testicles.

5. You start almost every sentence with "When I was in film school".

6. Despite your inept law enforcement ability and your suspect association with the corrupt and the corpulent, you still insist that you're going to capture Bo and Luke Duke one of these days.

7. You actually are right about everything.

8. Someone drew a moustache on your picture on the flyer you posted advertising the next meeting of the Kute Kitten Killing Klub.

9. Your therapist starts dropping hints about where you might find some high-grade cyanide.

10. The Lord tells you "When you saw only one deep set of footprints in the sand, it was then that you insisted I give you another damn piggyback ride, lardass."

11. Opened fire on the President; missed.

12. You are chosen as "totally the best singer ever" by the very discerning Pre-Teen Girls Popular Music Appreciation Society.

June 13, 2007

Certain Lines That Must Be in Various Films, Listed by Genre

Let's look at the line or lines of dialogue that simply must be in various genres of film. If I had my druthers, these lines would be federally mandated. By the way, have you seen my druthers? I think I left them at your house last weekend. What's that? No... no... I don't know exactly what they look like, but I'll know them when I see them. They are my druthers, after all. Anyway, on with the schtick.

"Wait here. I'll go check it out."

Buddy (Cop):
"I'm gettin' too old for this shit."

Romantic Comedy:
"I thought you were different! I thought we had something!"

"I didn't raise no quitter!"

"Get down! Get down!"

"Get down, get down."

French War:
"Course partie!"

German War:
"Schnell! Schnell!"

"Oh, my back is sooo stiff."

Sci-Fi Porn:
"I'm sorry, but we're 1.5 miilion light years from the nearest galaxy, I'm sure I wouldn't have ordered a pizza. There must be some mistake."

Norwegian Porn:
"Door-to-door lutefisk? It's about time! Come in."
"Ummmmmmm Yaaaaaaaaaaa Yaaaaaaaaa"

If Suburbs Were Named Based on Reality

1. Stifled Valley

2. Conformaton

3. Onemapleleftburg

4. Alltan Houseland

5. Disappearedcreek

6. Vaguelynaturalville

7. Unhealthy Lawncare Acres

8. Racialenclavia

9. Sameham

10. Helladelphia

11. Dontwalkfield

12. Horriblestreetlayoutopolis

13. Suckborough

June 12, 2007

Lions and Tigers and...

1. Ducks! (Oh my!)

2. Fax Machines! (Oh my!)

3. Mimes! (Oh my!)

4. Similar types of fauna! (Oh my!)

5. Opium! (Oh my!)

6. Hot cocoa! (Oh my!)

7. Deconstructionist literary theory! (Oh my!)

8. Dangerclowns! (Oh my!)

9. Genitalia! (Oh my!)

10. Cranberry scones! (Oh my!)

11. Rabies! (Oh my!)

12. Video games! (Oh my!)

13. Their respective attorneys! (Oh my!)

14. Heavy traffic on the Midtown backed up all the way to 89th! (Oh my!)

15. Stuff! (Oh my!)

16. Chainsmoke Kansas Flashdance Asspants! (Oh my!)

17. Chicks with dicks! (Oh my!)

18. Small arms fire! (Oh my!)

19. Thou! (Oh my!)

These Are Almost Words (Plus Definitions)

Instructions: Change one letter, make a new word, give it a definition.

1. Sobjective - that which makes you cry is open to personal interpretation

2. Immanity - to be inoculated against males

3. Turdulence - shaky shit

4. Daydread - a daytime, awake nightmare

5. Popufar - to be liked from a distance, and only from a distance

6. Hideo - an awful short film, especially those on the internet

7. Impostible - highly resistant to biodegrading through natural processes

8. Somnobent - to sleep curled up (in a fetal or similar) position

9. Steeze - to attempt to sneeze silently

10. Bress - a dress designed to highlight a woman's cleavage

11. Sland - to stand a slight angle

June 11, 2007

Freudian Slips: What I Meant To Say vs. What I Actually Said


1. Please pass the salt. / I hate you so much.

2. Can I stab you in the stomach with this knife? / Can I stab you in the tummy with this knife?

3. I like to listen to music too much. / I like too listen two music to much.

4. Can I put my penis in your cat? / Can I put my penis in your pussy?

5. I love you. / Are you now, or have you ever been, a member of the communist party?

6. Where the fuck are my keys? / Where the fucking fuck are my keys?

7. You misunderestimated me. / I'm the decider.

8. Turn your head and cough. / I love you.

9. Asshole. / No, I thought your review of my play was well-informed and insightful.

10. The sentence I'm going to accidentally say is true. / The sentence I meant to say was false.

11. Hello. / Hi.

12. Can I put my penis in your pussy? / Can I put this penis I found on the sidewalk in your pussy?

13. Potato. / Potato.

14. Dear God! NO! NO! / Yes, please do shoot me in the head with that shotgun.

15. I won't do it; because I am an autonomous individual, and I alone possess the power to make responsible choices for myself based on what I want to do. / Yes, dear.

Swearing in a Positive Manner

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Odd But Valid Ways Others Have Told Me They Loved Me

1. "We have no choice but to let you back into society."

2. "Please stop planting bugs in my apartment."

3. "I'd like a large fries, cheeseburger and a medium Sprite, please."

4. "Okay class, please take your seats."

5. "Holy shit! What are you doing? Where are your pants?!"

6. "Mooooo..."

7. "No! No! I'll be alright... just back your car off my legs."

8. "Dear occupant"

9. "Go fish."

10. "If you feel that you girlfriend is about to run away from you to the bloke next door, ugly one, but with a huge weenie! That's because you haven't ordered our state-of-the-art penis enlargement pills! Only our remedy can bring your girlfriend back!"

11. "Turn your head and cough."

June 10, 2007

Having Become A Real Estate Millionaire with No Money Down, I Will Now...

1. Become a pillownaire with no goose down.

2. Become debonair with no Debbie around.

3. Become a maiden fair without a vagina down there.

4. Become Fred Astaire without feet having flair.

5. Become wool underwear in a cottony town.

June 8, 2007

Important Reasons Why You Must Stop Having Sex Right Now

1. Scientists have linked sex with children. You must stop linking sex with children, pervert.

2. A customer just walked in the front door of the bakery.

3. You can only remain underwater for a few seconds at a time.

4. The director said "cut."

5. Just like epilepsy and paranoid schizophrenia, it may lead to frighteningly uncontrolled muscle spasms and vocalizations.

6. Because chances are good your cellmate is not truly your soulmate.

7. He only paid for a twenty-minute session.

8. Need to reframe the shot and make sure the flash is on.

9. Ran out of batteries.

10. Must get in line for holy communion.

11. Your "girlfriend" popped.

12. May cause an outbreak of painful childbirth in men and women everywhere.

13. Excessive blistering.

14. While the third time's the charm, the three hundred and thirty-third is somewhat less so.

15. If you stop now, you may still be a semi-virgin.

16. Because that's not what the zoo needs volunteers for.

Additional Swimming Pool Rules

In addition to the inordinate ordinances posted at most public swimming pools, there are a few more regulations that you only see if you swim deeper. Here they are:

1. Patrons are forbidden from starting a hydroponic garden in the pool.

2. You may not yell "fire" in a crowded swimming pool.

3. While lap swimming, please remember that large clumps of hair have the right of way.

4. If a sexy woman enters the pool area, all men who are so disposed must take care of themselves in the officially-designated masturbation corner.

5. Pregnant women should avoid swimming as it may drown the fetus.

6. Pregnant men should avoid swimming as people will tend to stare until they drown.

7. To prevent the certain, immediate death that occurs should one experience a cramp while swimming, patrons must demonstrate that their stomachs have been completely voided of all food by submitting to a throat-first body cavity search before entering the pool.

8. Keep your hands where the lifeguards can see them at all times.

9. Pretending to drown in front of the cute lifeguard so that he or she will give you mouth-to-mouth resuscitation does not count as "scoring."

10. Food is not allowed in the pool unless it is wearing an approved flotation device.

11. Patrons must supply their own oxygen tanks and high-powered rifles in case of attack by a great white shark.

12. Please remain seated until the pool has come to a full and complete stop.

13. Never eat any fecal matter you find in the pool; it may not be your own.

14. Due to complaints by the Italian-American Club and the explorer's descendants, the game Marco Polo may no longer be played.

15. Anyone wearing a band-aid into the pool is advised that doing so will result in the automatic forfeiture of most of their fundamental human rights.

16. Patrons protesting an ejection from the pool may appeal their case to the nine-member Supreme Lifeguard Council whose decisions on such matters are final and aquatically binding.

17. Horseplay, pushing, dunking, laughing, smiling and experiencing enjoyment are prohibited.

18: Handguns are not permitted in the pool unless they are concealed.

19. Do not feed the lifeguards.

20. When playing water polo, please confine horses to the deep end of the pool.

21. Drowning is strictly prohibited and may result in suspension of pool privileges.

In Addition To Funkytown, I Would Also Like To Take You Down To The Following Locations

1. Rhythmburg

2. Discoville

3. Technopolis

4. West Hiphopovia

5. Adultcontemporariana (You've got to get a little break from the funkiness once and a while.)

6. Electroclashton

7. Fusionjazzistan

8. Denny's

9. Illbientia

10. Funkyvalley (Suburb of Funkytown that has appropriated and softened Funkytown's rhythms for the sake of shaking stiffer white booty.)

11. Slowcoristan

12. Heavymetalfield

June 7, 2007

Alternative WWJDs

What Would Jesus Drink?

1. Mountain (What-Would-Jesus) Dew
2. Actual dew from an actual mountain
3. Mai Tai

What Would Jesus Defenestrate?

1. A poorly-constructed raspberry torte
2. His life-sized model of Jar Jar Binks
3. The evidence

What Would Jesus Dance?

1. The Tarantella
2. The Tango
3. The Robot

What Would Jesus Decorate?

1. His pantry
2. Your soul
3. The cross

What Would Jesus Decry?

1. The moneychangers
2. The Phantom Menace
3. The absence of a paper umbrella in his latest Mai Tai

What Would Jesus Dominate?

1. Most spelling bees
2. The world of Ultimate Fighting
3. The 47-event Christathalon at the 2012 Summer Olympics

What Would Jesus Drive?

1. The beasts of the land before him
2. VW Beetle
3. The Lordmobile RX3:16

What Would Jesus Deter?

1. World wide war
2. Juvenile delinquency
3. Embarrassing static cling

What Would Jesus Doubt?

1. Your claim that you love him for who he is, not for what you think he can get you
2. Some beliefs held by post-structuralists
3. FOX News

Questions I Wish People Would Stop Asking Me

1. Can I borrow your pancreas again? (Geez, you give in on this once, and...)

2. Doesn't it get any bigger? (You know, why did they hire me in the first place?)

3. Where did you bury your neighbors? (They don't accept "I don't remember." It worked for Reagan. You'd think first they'd want to know why I buried my neighbors.)

4. How are you? (What the hell is that supposed to mean?! Can't people just get their own damn lives, for shit's sake?!)

5. Can you let me down for just a couple minutes, sir? (For the hundredth time this year, no.)

6. Why are you so defensive? (Fuck you! I'm not defensive!)

7. Remember that two hundred dollars that I loaned you? (Listen, I can't even remember where I buried my neighbors; you honestly expect me to remember your two hundred dollars? What did it look like?)

8. Who's my cutsie-wutsie widdle cupcake? (Me, mom, you already know this.)

9. What'd you put in this succulent meatloaf? (Yes! See? I knew that I never buried the neighbors after all.)

June 6, 2007

Advertising Slogans I'd Love to See

1. United States Postal Service - "It Is Highly Unlikely That You Will Be Shot."

2. Mayo Clinic - "Very Famous People Have Died Here."

3. Apple, Inc. - "iBetter iComputers iFor iBetter iPeople."

4. Max Factor Cosmetics - "Now Tested On Ugly Animals Only."

5. Little Debbie Zebra Cakes - "Great Zebra Flavor In Every Cake."

6. Prozac - "Of Course You're A Loser. Have Another."

7. AOL - "Hey, Remember Us?"

8. Wal-Mart - "Fuck You. Buy Our Shit."

9. Budweiser - "Of Course You're A Loser. Have Two More."

10. Ford - "Think Of Us As A Different Way Of Spelling 'Honda'. Please?"

11. Google - "We Know What You're Doing."

12. Disney - "You'll Love Us. It's The Law."

13. Microsoft - "This Slogan Has Committed A Fatal Operations Error. Please Restart The Advertisement To Continue."

14. France - "Sorry For Making You Feel Welcome."

15. Recording Industry Association of America (RIAA) - "A Trade Group Named Sue."

16. Walgreens - "Dude... Drugs! Check It Out!"

17. ExxonMobil - "Pull Our Finger - We've Got Gas."

18. God - "Now 10% More Omniscience Free With Purchase."

19. McDonald's - "Fighting The Worldwide Plague Of Cows Since 1955."

Dear Reader, The Following Information Will Crush Your Spirits

1. Santa Claus is real; well, was real, before he was executed for the genocide of the elf race. If you don't believe this, ask yourself: how many elves have you ever met?

2. Pro wrestling is not real. It's super-real.

3. The good news: Your love life is better than a porn movie. The bad news: Your love life is just barely better than a porn movie, and your sex life is much, much worse.

4. Your left hand does indeed know what your right hand is doing, as do most of your neighbors.

5. A disturbingly large number of people in this country believe George W. Bush is competent, and a similarly large group believe dinosaur bones were buried by God to test their faith. Thankfully, the two groups overlap almost perfectly.

6. The revolution will be televised after all, but it will be pay-per-view... with commercials.

7. Ultimately, you will die alone, unless you are being hacked to pieces by an angry mob.

8. The bad news: Your children will always be ungrateful. The good news: They will die young.

9. Everyone is pretending to like you, even those people who actually like you.

10. All your dreams will be killed by all your nightmares.

11. You actually have a lot more to fear than fear itself.

Types of Days You Could Have Besides a Bad Hair Day

1. Naughty Butt Day (not to be confused with a Nasty Ass Day)

2. Petulant Elbow Day

3. Suspicious Eyebrow Day

4. Bemused Thigh Day

5. Optimistic Neck Day

6. Derelict Hip Day

7. Freaky Toe Day

8. Mad Penis Day

9. Nonplussed Kidney Day

10. Fatalistic Groin Day

11. Obfuscating Uvula Day

12. Happy Knee Day

13. Languishing Lip Day

14. Aggressive Eyelid Day

15. Sad Ear Day

16. Terrified Sternum Day

17. Perspicacious Armpit Day

June 5, 2007

Are You a Poophead? Take This Simple Test and Find Out!

1. I have a male child under the age of 10. (T/F)

2. I do not allow my male child under the age of 10 to do whatever he wants. (T/F)

3. I have fecal matter somewhere on my body above my neck. (T/F)

Scoring: 1 point for each "True", 0 points for each "False"

0 points - You are not a Poophead. Your life is blissfully free of any allegations of Poopheadedness. Please note: It is still possible, however, for you to be a shithead. Be careful.

1 point - You are drifting into Poopheadland. Keep your wits about you and deftly dodge all accusations with witty retorts like: "Nice" or "Go to bed". If all else fails, try "Whatever".

2 points - You are a Poophead. You do have redeeming qualities, but being a parent is not one of them. There is little hope for your rescue; try locking the little twerp in a closet or something.

3 points - All Hail King Poophead! It is glorious and shameful to walk in your presence, oh great one! You positively and negatively reek of turds, and the smell is most definitely emanating from your head. From here on out, life can only get better. Please, if you get a moment, take a shower or something... Poophead.

Seven Habits of Highly Effective Superheroes

1. Daily calisthenics including at least three (3) laps around the Earth at an easy, not-noticeably-effecting-the-planet's-natural-rotation pace.

2. Envision self as conduit for fulfilling, positive energy. Also, for gamma rays.

3. Set reasonable, measurable goals: Don't think about saving the Earth, as intelligent people can disagree about what exactly qualifies as "saving". Instead shoot for a more concrete goal like decreasing the number of dastardly episodes in your metropolis by ten percent (10%) over the next two (2) week period.

4. Grapefruit.

5. Remain flexible: It may be the scheduled time to thwart the supervillian's nefarious machinations, but, if his Doomsday device is not yet completed, then you'd better have a back-up activity to tackle while you wait.

6. Think positively: Don't tell yourself "Must... push... button!" instead say "Will... push... button!"

7. Delegate tasks; don't try to do everything. Chances are that your sidekick can handle a lot of the paperwork that goes along with vanquishing evil.

June 4, 2007

Absurd Spelling Rules for the English Language

1. i before i except after i

2. When in doubt, add a silent
b. For example, "doubt" becomes "bdoubt"

3. With one syllable words containing only one vowel and ending in one consonant, double the ending consonant when adding a suffix. For example: "dig" becomes "digging". When adding more than one suffix, continue to double the ending consonant exponentially: for example "dig" becomes "diggggingly" or "diggggggggingliest".

Most nouns can be made plural by an -s. Most nuns can be made plural by a horny priest.

Exercise great caution when spelling the word "flammable". It is highly inflammable.

When a singular noun ends in f, change the f to a v and add -es to the word before it to warn the reader that the word following it ends in f. No one wants to just have an ending f sprung on them like that. For example: "He stabbed the first elf through the heart" becomes "He stabbed the virstes elf through the heart."

7. If the root word ends in a single consonant and the preceding vowel is stressed and spelled with only one letter, double the consonant before adding -ing and -ed. If the preceding vowel is really, really stressed, please consider psychological help; being a vowel shouldn't be that difficult.

When spelling "cervix" or "vulva", be sure to take time to snicker, because, you know, they're girl words.

If confronted with a British English spelling of a word, do change it to accurately reflect the proper American English spelling - I mean, c'mon! Who invented English anyway?! That's right! U! S! A! U! S! A!

10. Swear words can be spelled substituting nonsense characters for some of the letters. For example: "fuck" can be spelled "f*%#". This spares people from having to read words like "fuck" or "shit" or "fucking shit" or "fucking fuck" or "mutherfucker" or "fucking asshole" or "stupid mutherfucking shit-for-brains fuckface" or anything else which may offend if actually written out. People should not have to read that shit.

11. When spelled as "f*%#", "fuck" is pronounced "fuck".

x before z except after q

What Those Spanish Futbol Announcers Are Really Saying

Preferatory comment:
I recently spent nine days in Guatemala.

They speak Spanish there.

I do not.

I attended classes for five hours a day, getting one-on-one instruction in Spanish. I went from absolutely no Spanish to conjugation of past tense verbs in thirty hours.

Just when I thought all was going well, and I was starting to understand some of what people were saying around me, I watched a football ("futbol" in Spanish, "soccer" in American only) match on television.

I realized then exactly how little I could comprehend. Listening to speech that attacked me with the rapidity of the small-print hawkers appended to the end of radio advertisements for car dealerships, I found myself completely without a footing.
The context seemed obvious enough: the football game. After a short while, however, I realized that maybe this announcer wasn't talking about football at all.

I would never know. I could never hope to follow the pulses, pops, slurs and undulations that made up his speech. He could have been saying anything at all.
Like this. Here follows my "translation" of the audio commentary given during just a couple minutes of that football game:


"Good evening folks. Hard to believe I turned forty-eight today. That's right, it's my birthday, and it's the biggest football game this city has seen in eleven years. As a dedicated fan, of course, I have to count this as a great gift to me. I am so grateful for this gift, because, now, with the kids out of the house, and a wife who essentially stopped talking to me five years ago, I am pretty sure I would not see any sort of gift from my supposed loved-ones.

Not that I can blame them entirely, when's the last time I remembered their birthdays? It's so hard to remember anything these days with the constant influx of hard alcohol pickling my brain and liver. But, better pickled than in pain, I always say. Yes, I realize that my heavy, heavy drinking, and really, I'm completely fucked-up right now, has contributed mightily to my abandonment by my own family. I have a serious problem.

Don't judge me by this, though. Who among you can say that you are above addictive behaviors? We all have our means to comfort our dread of the real; our existential malaise that can overcome us at even our strongest moments. I mean, look at me, I'm at the top of my game in many respects: a well-known announcer of football games, paid obscenely well, access to power and opportunity are mine, yet... I am unhappy.

I suspect that there may be an answer to what troubles me. Lord knows I've tried virtually everything, but I guess none of that worked. I am looking for a sort of salvation and.. and... and... GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO



Now, where was I? Ah, yes... salvation..."

June 3, 2007

Smurfs That You Never Smurfed about on the TV Show

1. Stabby Smurf

2. Greeny Smurf (Just like a regular smurf except green, but the smurf - a singular noun when referring to the genus as a whole - are quite reactionary colorists, as evidenced by their fiercely monomaniacal "True Blue" community festivals and parades. There is good evidence, however, to show that Greeny's unconventional hue may simply be an untreated case of jaundice.)

3. Ennui Smurf

4. Chesty Smurf (Originally good friends, but now kept in confinement by the politically well-connected, strictly A-cup Smurfette when she realized that Chesty was, for two very good reasons, attracting most of the male attention in the village.)

5. Dyslexic Smruf

6. Diversity Smurf (A federally-mandated resident of the village, this dark-blue smurf faces hostility wherever he goes; although, on the surface, everyone appears to like and accept him.)

7. Vomity Smurf

8. Dopey Smurf (Currently serving eight years on possession with intent to sell a schedule 1 controlled substance. It was his second offense.)

9. Gasbaggy Smurf (This arch-conservative smurf clouds Smurfcity’s airwaves day and night with his recycled brand of irrational, hate-filled patter.)

10. Virusy Smurf

11. Renaissancey Smurf (While first held in high esteem by the other smurfs, Renaissancey has since been cast out by intolerant smurf social structures which stubbornly limit each smurf to one personal trait for which to be known and, indeed, named. Renaissancey, a consumate polymath, excelled at everything: smarter (and less boastful) than Brainy, more technically adept than Handy, as strong as Hefty, possessing the green thumb of Farmer, capable of eating more than Greedy, and gifted with a more-varied and mature sense of humor than Jokey. It's easy to see why a smurf society enthralled with conformity exiled this prodigy.)

12. Smurfy Smurf (Just too “meta” for most smurfs to wrap their minds around.)

13. Homelessy Smurf (AKA Bummy, Poverty, or Indigenty Smurf - it doesn't matter what you call them, they are, in most respects, the Nameless Ones. Though they represent almost 5% of the smurf population, you wouldn't know that because Papa Smurf's goon squads frequently clean the streets in advance of Smurfcity’s bids on lucrative conventions or tourist events.)

14. SILFy Smurf (Another female smurf that Smurfette, out of jealousy, has had silenced.)

15. Molesty Smurf (Not to be confused with Handy Smurf.)

16. Rashy Smurf

17. Obesity Smurf (Not federally-mandated like Diversity, but Obesity is treated the same way.)

18. Shitty Smurf

19. Smurfivorey Smurf (Once, literally, wore another smurf’s face to avoid capture.)

20. Ecstasy Smurf (A bit too much a character to be allowed screen time on the television show, Ecstasy, along with Salamy and Sodomy Smurf, are actually quite popular on the burgeoning Smurfcity club scene.)

21. Drinky-Drinky Smurf