January 31, 2011

A Cannibal Writes a Self-Help Book

Dear Reader,

What follows is the shortest self-help book ever published.

Trust me, I share your misgivings about the genre.

There are so many people looking for pre-packaged and easy answers. The self-help industry churns out a couple thousand three-step, fifteen-minute, secret code, simple focus, re-balancing, cosmic energizing pieces of useless dreck every year.

I say, "ENOUGH!"

How dare they insult the intelligence of so many gullible people. It's not right, and it must stop!

No one has the perfect answer. Most professed self-help gurus are merely modern snake-oil peddlers of the mind. Gladly duping the dupable.

There is NO EASY ANSWER to what makes your life tough, miserable, annoying, confusing, cold-hearted, cynical, detached, co-dependent, greedy, aggressive, passive or heavily drugged.


Unless, you follow this easy five-step process:

1) Fly to my small island home.
2) Stand directly on the large 'X' to the immediate right of the "luggage tree."
3) Wait a while for your suitcases to appear. (Don't ask how long; learn to let go.)
4) Are you still standing on the 'X'? Great!
5) All done. Your problems are over.

People ask me: "What do you get from this, Mr. Cannibal?"

The answer?

Just enough. I already know how to help myself; so I feel it is right to serve other people.

A Cannibal