June 8, 2007

Additional Swimming Pool Rules

In addition to the inordinate ordinances posted at most public swimming pools, there are a few more regulations that you only see if you swim deeper. Here they are:

1. Patrons are forbidden from starting a hydroponic garden in the pool.

2. You may not yell "fire" in a crowded swimming pool.

3. While lap swimming, please remember that large clumps of hair have the right of way.

4. If a sexy woman enters the pool area, all men who are so disposed must take care of themselves in the officially-designated masturbation corner.

5. Pregnant women should avoid swimming as it may drown the fetus.

6. Pregnant men should avoid swimming as people will tend to stare until they drown.

7. To prevent the certain, immediate death that occurs should one experience a cramp while swimming, patrons must demonstrate that their stomachs have been completely voided of all food by submitting to a throat-first body cavity search before entering the pool.

8. Keep your hands where the lifeguards can see them at all times.

9. Pretending to drown in front of the cute lifeguard so that he or she will give you mouth-to-mouth resuscitation does not count as "scoring."

10. Food is not allowed in the pool unless it is wearing an approved flotation device.

11. Patrons must supply their own oxygen tanks and high-powered rifles in case of attack by a great white shark.

12. Please remain seated until the pool has come to a full and complete stop.

13. Never eat any fecal matter you find in the pool; it may not be your own.

14. Due to complaints by the Italian-American Club and the explorer's descendants, the game Marco Polo may no longer be played.

15. Anyone wearing a band-aid into the pool is advised that doing so will result in the automatic forfeiture of most of their fundamental human rights.

16. Patrons protesting an ejection from the pool may appeal their case to the nine-member Supreme Lifeguard Council whose decisions on such matters are final and aquatically binding.

17. Horseplay, pushing, dunking, laughing, smiling and experiencing enjoyment are prohibited.

18: Handguns are not permitted in the pool unless they are concealed.

19. Do not feed the lifeguards.

20. When playing water polo, please confine horses to the deep end of the pool.

21. Drowning is strictly prohibited and may result in suspension of pool privileges.


Anonymous said...

I fear you may be arrested at some point.

#9 is my favorite.


Brendon Etter said...

I may be arrested, but you can guarantee I will be wearing regulation swimwear when it happens. No CUT-OFFS!

I also have an "in" on the Supreme Lifeguard Council; so I'm sure I can get the offense overturned on appeal.

Anonymous said...

should any male enter the pool area, all females of equivalent age should immediatly remove all germents and begin frolicing in the pool and/or sunning themselves.
(only applicable to ages 17-30)

Brendon Etter said...

Hey anonmymous, this is a list of swimming pool rules, not swimming pool protocol. Obviously, they must disrobe and frolic, duh! That's just common sense.

ShOI said...

22. In accordance with federal law and common decency, any clowns found swimming or playing in the pool must be held underwater until dead.