October 2, 2007

What You Can Still Do Indoors Besides Smoke

On October 1, 2007, the sad addicts (saddicts?) of Minnesota were kicked to the curb by a ruthless cabal of democratically-elected state "representatives" and "senators" whose new "law" requires that "smokers" not "light" up "inside" a "building". "This" "law" "means" a lot of demeaning "quote" marks can be "put" around "words" referencing the new "statute" to show our distaste "in" "its" purported legitimacy"." ("Quote" marks can help anyone win "a" policy debate, "just" don't "overuse" them. "Okay?")

Fear not, the authoritarian mandate of a select few can do nothing to retract so many of the other freedoms Minnesotans continue to practice with relish.

For those of you lacking in pickled condiments, what follows is a brief list detailing the myriad freedoms you may still exercise indoors.

You can't smoke, but you are still allowed to...

1. Vomit, provided you don't pollute the air with dangerous secondhand regurgitants.

2. Whisper, but not in a way that annoys others.

3. Eat Food. For instance, heat up a nice tobacco tube salad and consume it slowly through a series of steady inhalations. Yummy.

4. Snort Cocaine, crack smokers must take it outside - unless it's New! Improved! Smokeless Crack! (Ad slogan: "Smokeless Crack: Smoke More Crack")

5. Drink Chilled Bull Semen... you know... if, if that's... uhhh... your thing.

6. Smolder.

7. Have Sex With People, as long as neither one of you is smoking, or on fire, or even hot - in which case you should definitely keep it inside. No one wants to see that shit.

8. Watch Television. Go ahead! Try it! It's amazing! There are little people inside that box! Seriously, it's the total shit!

9. Hang Glide, just not very far.

10. Masturbate. Let's just keep the public sessions to under four per day, alright? I mean it. Let's not attract excessive regulatory attention by self-abusing the privilege. Got it?

11. Kill Pandas With A Fork. It is not expressly forbidden in the new law, but, you know, just because you can, doesn't mean you should. I'm just saying it is, apparently, still legal. Indoors.


ShOI said...

12. Complain loudly to anyone who will listen that your freedom has been taken away. The Constitution clearly states on page 4 that you have the right to burn toxic substances that pollute the air other people are breathing. Who wouldn't want to breathe secondhand smoke? It's like smoking for free! Don't you know how expensive cigarettes are? You freedom-haters should get down on your knees and thank us smokers every time we exhale carcinogens in your face while you eat dinner.

Anonymous said...

Well there goes the neighborhood- if it hasn't already gone. Given that Mrs. Bleeet is totally hot I guess Bleeet and Mrs. Bleeet can only have sex outside now... Good thing there's that big patch of weeds out back- ought to hide some of it.

-YFW :)

Anonymous said...

Actually, they can't have sex outside. I did that in downtown Northfield one time this summer (just for fun) but then was told that it was really lucky that my lover and I weren't caught because apparently there's a $1,000 fine. Guess that means we can only do that indoors unless we've got extra money to give to the city...

Anonymous said...

So if I want to have sex in public I just need to pay $1000? What if I want to watch sex in public? What if I did it and sold tickets? Maybe I could make the $1000 for the city that way. How come Northfield hasn't thought of this as a way to make money??

-Mrs. Bleeet