Step 1. You must work on yourself above all else.
Step 2. Ask yourself if you're looking for a committed human/furniture relationship.
Step 3. If not, seek out furniture that looks like it's ready for some purely physical intimacy.
Step 4. Invite that piece or those pieces of furniture over for supper.
Step 5. Put on some romantic music.
Step 6. Prepare supper, preferably a nice mixture of sweet and succulent.
Step 7. Get the furniture just a little tipsy.
Step 8. Flatter the furniture. Does it look nice in that slipcover? Then tell it that it does.
Step 9. Caress the furniture.
Step 10. Take that furniture to bed; unless it is a bed, then you're already there.
Step 11. Ahhhh yeaaaaahh...
(NB: Baby, why ya gotta be like that? You know I luv ya. Course I do! Now, let's see what's under that cushion.)
(NB#2: Please use protection; any of the reputable stain-guard brands should do.)