November 1, 2007

I Play the Dozens and Fail Miserably

So, I thought I'd try to be a little more "urban". (Note to my faithful readers: when a white guy uses the word "urban", he means "black".) Having to use the word "urban" goes a long way toward explaining why I struggle so in my intramural Dozens league. Maybe one of you crackers could help a cracker out.

What follows is the text of my most recent attempt at decisive derisive victory. I have excerpted only my comments from the debate as I felt my opponent was hyperbolic, mean-spirited and evasive in his treatment of my momma's weight issues. While he made some good points, his words seemed designed only to hurt rather than to search for positive remedies for maternal obesity. Therefore, I refuse to reprint them here.

Yo' momma so fat, she is in grave danger of contracting adult-onset diabetes.

Yo' momma so fat, I believe it may become increasingly difficult for her to climb stairs.

Yo' momma so fat, this is perhaps due to various genetic factors and a sedentary lifestyle combined with unhealthy eating habits. A real triple-whammy.

Yo' momma so fat, people feel uncomfortable looking at her and consider her to be a lesser person even though body fat does not determine a person's true nature.

Yo' momma so fat, she can't see her toes... because her fat stomach gets in the way... and... ohh, I'm sorry. That was unnecessarily cruel, wasn't it? My sincerest apologies to both you and yo' momma.

Yo' momma so ugly, she won an ugly contest. Hmm? She... right, sorry... she was runner-up? Well then, I hereby retract my initial claim about... What's that? My momma came in first? Well, thank you for the good news, my friend. I must remember to congratulate my momma right away.

Yo' momma so fat, I really feel, despite your attempt to steer the conversation toward my momma's apparently award-winning ugliness, that we must concentrate on some effective strategy for decreasing yo' momma's weight problem. She is truly headed for a miserable future if she cannot manage to lessen her body-mass index considerably. I implore you to stop yo' pointless japery and take the matter to heart.


ShOI said...

Yo-Yo Ma so fat, he can't play the cello anymore.

Brendon Etter said...

Why do you have stoop so low, shoi?

ShOI said...

Perhaps because yo momma so fat.

Brendon Etter said...

And we're working on that, okay?! DO YOU NEED TO REMIND ME OF THIS ALL THE TIME!?