December 14, 2007

How to Have Sex with Furniture

Step 1. You must work on yourself above all else.

Step 2. Ask yourself if you're looking for a committed human/furniture relationship.

Step 3. If not, seek out furniture that looks like it's ready for some purely physical intimacy.

Step 4. Invite that piece or those pieces of furniture over for supper.

Step 5. Put on some romantic music.

Step 6. Prepare supper, preferably a nice mixture of sweet and succulent.

Step 7. Get the furniture just a little tipsy.

Step 8. Flatter the furniture. Does it look nice in that slipcover? Then tell it that it does.

Step 9. Caress the furniture.

Step 10. Take that furniture to bed; unless it is a bed, then you're already there.

Step 11. Ahhhh yeaaaaahh...

(NB: Baby, why ya gotta be like that? You know I luv ya. Course I do! Now, let's see what's under that cushion.)

(NB#2: Please use protection; any of the reputable stain-guard brands should do.)


Rob Hardy said...

Is this guy some relation of yours?

Brendon Etter said...

Ahh, love... thy name is handlebars.

Admittedly, it's a clunky name, but she was 21 speeds and used 'em all...

Thanks for the link, Rob.

Really though, what is the guy's crime here? When a man really loves his bike...

Oh, maybe that was it; perhaps it wasn't his bike.