I Am Staring At Your Breasts

I AM STARING AT YOUR BREASTS
A Monologue For 1.5 Actors


Huh? Wha... oh, hi! Nice to see you! So glad you could all make it!
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What's that? All? Did I say "all"? Well, I'm not sure why I...
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Of course, it's just you. Right.
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No, I didn't ask anyone else to join us. That would be rather awkward, if I asked you out to my favorite restaurant on a date, and also asked someone else.
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No, of course not. I've been looking forward to this all month!
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Yes, yes, I know. Well, you're a popular woman, of course. Anyone can see that!
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I just mean, you know, just looking at you...
..I..
No, bu...
..It's just...
Uhh.
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"Date"?
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I said "date"?
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I'm sor...
.No...
of course not, it...
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To discuss, righ...
..Yes.yes...
Well, yes, I can see how that might seem like...
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I meant more like date, as in appointment, that you make, you know...
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In a date book, that's right.
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Meeting? Yes, yes, yes, "meeting" is a better term.
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Yes, popular in the sense that you've made quite a splash at the company.
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You're welcome.
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Well, I know Frank and Rich were very jealous that I was meeting with you here.
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Probably, just because, ummm... you know, they really like the food.
..Yeah..
That's what I meant.
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That's a beautiful dress, by the way.
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No. I...
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I compliment...
.I..I...
I compliment all the gals around the office on their clothing.
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....
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Women.
.Women...
Yes.
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Yes, you are the only woman in the office these days.
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Right, so I compliment you, but I would compliment other women.
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Yes, and we need to work on that.
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That's why we're meeting. Right.
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Right. Because...
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Right, exactly.
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That's why you were hired, of course.
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Well, you were hugely recommended to deal with problems of this shape. Scope.
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No.
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So, I hired you to get to the bottom of this problem.
...Yes...
We need to come up with a strategy; so this company stops burning through...
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Right. That's what we need, and we heard you were a real shoot-from-the-tit kind of...
....!
What!? No!
....!
No!
..Lis...
Lis...
....!
Listen! There's no point in being all hormonal about this. It...
....!
....!
....!
....!
That's what I... slip of the tongue, that's all it was. I'm sorry.
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Really, please?
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I realize that; that's why I hired you. To figure out why we can't hold on to good women at this company.
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Yes, yes, well, I guess that's your area.
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Something's driving these women from our office, and as the new sexual harassment policy adviser, we need to get a firm grip on these problems.
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Well, I didn't want to say...
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Yeah, I worry about Gary too. Just between you and me, I think he's the root of the problem.
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Well, with the five previous sexual harassment advisers we had this year, he was always making them uncomfortable.
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Oh, doing things like asking them how large their breasts were, asking if he could touch their breasts. Minor things like that.
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Oh. I mean only that I don't think he was ever serious.
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Of course, of course, sure, yes. You're absolutely right. Yes, it is serious.
.Very...
Very serious, and...
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Fire him? Uhh...
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Well, but, you know, that's just Gary, you know?
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No, no, I'm not...
...I'm..
I'm not defending him at all. He's just, well, you know, that way.
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No, no, I just mean, he's a normal guy, and...
..Right...
Of course, I know some women might not appreciate his sense of humor.
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No, it's not funny, you're right.
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But, he's a good guy, and...
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What?
...No...
What? He's not the only one?
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I'm not sure what you mean.
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No, no! No, I would never do...
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I just...
.I..I..I...
I... just have a hard time focusing... looking people in the eyes.
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Well.
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Uhhh... fine! Alright! Yes, I am staring at your breasts!
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Because they're soooo... Can I just touch...
...@#&^*#...!!
Wait! Hey! Come back!

Shit.

(end)