December 18, 2007

The Secret, Unreleased Findings of the Special Investigator's Report to the Northfield City Council

The long-awaited, oft-debated, much-inflated Special Investigator's Report has hit the fine City of Northfield like a ton of special investigation and reporting.

Who has been the naughty boy?

The Mayor?

The City Administrator?

The City Council?

That other guy?

In a special, secret report, released only to this reporter's brain, the Special Investigator makes it clear that there's plenty 'nuff blame to go around.

On with the spankings!

By which I mean conclusions!

In the report!

Of the Special Investigator!

1. In June of this year, the Mayor asked the City Administrator if he had a quarter so the mayor could get a nice, cold can of Orange Fanta from the pop machine. The City Administrator said "No." In a thorough review of municipal documents, this investigation has revealed that the city administrator not only had a quarter, he had, at the time, one quarter, three dimes and two nickels - essentially, two quarters - in his right hand pocket.

2. The "Secret Knock" requirement to enter the Mayor's office has become increasingly exclusionary and a detriment to an effective and open democratic process.

3. Fridays will remain "Free Bubblegum Day" in the council chambers provided no additional chewed wads are discovered improperly adhered to the undersides of city property.

4. The investigator has reached the conclusion that the city council, either acting in whole or in part, shall not be allowed to have a pet gerbil at this time. Issues regarding the cleaning of the cage, proportionate playing time, and proper veterinary care have not been satisfactorily resolved since last month's unfortunate blow-dryer incident with John North, Jr., the council's ex-guinea pig.

5. This investigation has revealed a startling lack of clarity in the City Administrator and Mayoral roles regarding the stewardship of the city's karaoke machine. Further review by the city's Party Machine Committee is strongly recommended, particularly as it relates to the sensitive "I Will Survive" exclusivity rights currently claimed by both officials.

6. All available evidence leads this investigation to uphold the long-standing requirement that council members and city staff may disregard the decisions of the council that have been reached by a super majority of councilor's votes unless that requirement is overridden by a super majority.

7. The Mayor is hereby charged to reduce the frequency with which he uses "that scowly face" during council meetings.

8. The investigator has yet to reach a conclusion on the final issue, but, within the next two to three weeks, it is expected that a full addendum will be available detailing exactly who tried to fax a piece of sausage pizza on May 14th.


Jim H. said...

That any city official would be so careless or stupid as to try to fax a sausage pizza is just beyond belief. Everybody knows -- or at least every high school graduate knows because its on the damn test -- that sausage can't be faxed! Pepperoni, onion, even gyro pizza can be faxed, but never sausage. My already weakened confidence in city hall has taken another blow.

Thanks, Brendon, for exposing this sad affair.

Brendon Etter said...

Oh, you don't know the half of it, my man!

We have reason to believe that the suspect sausage pizza faxer did so under the mistaken belief that it would reduce the caloric content of said pizza for its intended recipient, an insult that did not help the already tense relationship between the alleged pizza faxer - a city employee - and its recipient, an admittedly rotund, but sensitive, private citizen.

Additionally, the fax was not duly recorded in the fax manual sitting next to the machine, contravening yet another established city regulation.

ShOI said...

And the pizza faxer didn't use a cover sheet! I am outraged!

Brendon Etter said...

Not technically ShOI, but s/he did fax some Parmesan cheese topping first. That's like a cover sheet, at least, though it contains scant data about the incoming fax. I mean, how's the receiver to know if the pizza slice is 1 of 3, or 1 of 8, or just a solo slice?