July 5, 2007

Positive Conspiracy Theories

1. Jet contrails are a means of signaling one-world government forces exactly which citizens have a big birthday that day.

2. Marks on the backs of some road signs and on certain highways have been put there to unwittingly lead invading enemies to the nearest Kenny G concert, where the will be lulled to sleep and terminated by smooth jazz licks and neurotoxins

3. Crop circles are made by an alien race that believes in the power of public art to calm the soul.

4. Childhood immunizations are used by the government to tag children because they want all kids to see how much fun it is to play tag.

5. The five men who comprise The Illuminati's High Council control nearly eighty percent of the earth's natural resources, but they're all genuinely nice people and extremely good-looking guys as well.

6. The major auto companies have each known for many years how to build cars that get up to three hundred miles per gallon of gas, but that would mean people would be spending more time driving rather than spending quality time with their families, and they didn't want to feel guilty for that sort of rip in the social fabric.

7. Bar codes are used by big business to reward loyal customers with one-time, random jackpot payouts through the front of state and national lottery games.

8. A massive asteroid is hurtling ever closer to the Earth, but it's got an amazing, free waterpark on it.


ShOI said...

9. George W. Bush is working undercover to undermine the entire neoconservative movement by bungling everything it stands for.

Unknown said...

10. The U.S. Army does indeed have aliens at Area 51, but all they're doing is sharing recipes.

11. We never really landed on the moon. That footage is actually from a moon millions of light years away. We have a colony there. The hot dish aliens helped us.

Brendon Etter said...

Good work. I like all of these. Funny stuff.

12. The alphabet is a code that programs children to learn how to spell and read a certain way so that they can succeed in various academic and vocational pursuits!