Hmmm. Selling our national parks? Maybe. Maybe not. Let's weigh the benefits and drawbacks of various corporate takeovers of the American national park system.
Buyer: Google
Benefit: Messy nature now indexed and searchable. Easy and quick to find the most popular tree in the forest, for example.
Drawback: "Unobtrusive" text ads everywhere you look. Everything you do in parks is tracked and stored indefinitely.
Buyer: Linux
Benefit: All parks are free and open to everyone.
Drawback: Only hardcore nature geeks capable of navigating parks.
Buyer: Microsoft
Benefit: Wide range of supporting activities programmed specifically for the parks.
Drawback: Parks would just stop working for no known reason, meaning everyone would have to leave the parks and then re-enter for them to work properly again.
Buyer: McDonald's
Benefit: Plenty to eat.
Drawback: Precipitous drop of animal diversity in inverse proportion to the introduction of new Big Mac "flavors".
Buyer: Weyerhaeuser
Benefit: National forests are professionally managed.
Drawback: National forests' names all get the word "Memorial" appended to them.
Buyer: Oprah
Benefit: Now that they have Oprah's blessing and star-power, millions of Americans begin to discover and support our valuable national park system.
Drawback: Two words - empowered grizzlies.
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