July 3, 2007

Hooray For Poopies!

For some reason, very stupid parents across the country insist on praising their children for everything despite widely-accepted evidence that, while unconditional positive regard is a vital component of parenting, constant and specious praise actually damages a child's motivation.

It has become so bad in public settings that parents who do not praise every tiny aspect of their child's activities, often catch the skunk eye from those rushing to be more positive and supportive than thou.

For those parents who insist on rational praise only when merited, I offer this list of meaningless and excessive statements to help raise their level of obsequious, almost-fearful pandering to their children's delicate, delicate psyches.

1. Way to not tear out all your sister's hair!

2. I think the dog looks great without that silly old tail!

3. Great job breathing!

4. You watched the whole TV, not just one corner of it! Yay!

5. You buried the neighbors alive? Amazing! All by yourself? Wow!

6. Hey! 'D' is really close alphabetically to the 'A's you got last year!

7. I'm just waking you up to tell you that you're really sleeping great, honey.

8. Way to exist!!

9. Nice blind slashing, dear!

10. How did you know I didn't want that part of my liver anymore?

11. What a clever way to burn down the house!

12. You may have stolen her toys, but now, at least, the better girl has them!

13. Hooray! You're so good at dying!

14. Fabulous date raping, son!

15. You amputate so well for a 6-year old! Especially a 6-year old without medical training!

16. You're right, sweetie, I should fuck off!

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