July 19, 2007

Brendon's Guide to Being a Perfect Citizen

Gentle Reader,

I'm often asked: Where'd you hide the bodies, Brendon?

Sometimes, I'm asked: You sure that won't hurt?

Infrequently, people ask me: Ooblitarian is to domestic as hepledial is to _____?

Once, I overheard someone mention something about how difficult is must be to be a perfect citizen.

Well, thank you, someone, for the implied question! So, in response to overwhelming reader demand, I offer here my tips on being a perfect citizen.

1. Wrap yourself in American flag stickers.

2. Always be asking yourself: have I turned in enough evidence of other people's wrongdoings and faults to local police today? Remember every serial killer starts out as "just" a jaywalker.

3. When it comes to public meetings, speak more frequently and longer than anyone else. Citizenship is very much a life-long competition.

4. Start a blog about your community, but please make sure all gossip is somewhat true before publishing.

5. Learn all your local history. All of it! Now, damnit!

6. If you see a crime being committed, eliminate the criminal. Disembowel, decapitate, impale the head on a stake in front of city hall with a list of wrongdoings written with the criminal's own blood and entrails.

7. Are your letters to the editor alarmist enough in tone? If not, you obviously don't care enough to correct all your community's terrible problems.

8. Keep track of the length of time that you've lived in the community at least to the hour. I think we know who wins in an argument about a special school board election if one disputant can authoritatively state that he has lived in town 18 years, 4 months, 26 days and 5 hours and the other can only carelessly claim to have lived there "about 20 years".

9. Hire only community talent for your snuff films.

10. Frequently perform unannounced inspections of all municipal offices. Remind employees that you are paying their salary. It helps them feel more respectful of your demand that they salute and refer to you as "Mr. Commander-Guy".

11. Shop locally! Use town prostitutes, not those Big Box hookers from some faceless, corporate pimpery.

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