July 19, 2007

Brendon's Brilliant Ideas for Protecting Yourself from Identity Theft

1. Don't leave your identity unattended in an unlocked house or car.

2. Never tell anyone your Visa number is 4832 6671 9901 6292 with an expiration date of December, 2012.

3. Burn all mail as soon as it leaves the letter carrier's hand. I recommend not even looking at it.

4. Maintain a perfect poker face. Identity thieves can read your "tells" and figure out your bank account numbers by the slightest twitch of an eyelid.

5. If the thieves do, somehow, figure out your Visa number (see #2 above), don't tell them that the verification number on the back of your card is 197.

6. Require that anyone wishing to converse with you be a registered user with a secure, cleared password.

7. To prevent their easy duplication, sand off your fingerprints.

8. Kill anyone who requests personal information from you.

9. To prevent carelessly leaving behind any DNA, encase yourself entirely in plastic.

10. Ask the government to make your social security number unlisted.

11. Always speak through a 512-bit public key cryptography digital voice scrambler.

12. Live in total isolation using no modern technology and interacting with no one to show those identity thieves that they can't rob you of your life.

13. Change your full name and address at least three times a week.

14. Develop multiple identities; so it doesn't become too much of a hardship to have only one of them stolen.

15. Have your face removed and put in a safety deposit box.

1 comment:

Jim H. said...

This may be close to #12, but stated in a much hipper way: Tune In, Turn On, Drop Out.