July 8, 2007

Why You Should Have Plastic Surgery

1. You are entirely constructed out of plastic.

2. You have that independence of spirit that drives you on to bigger and better things. Particularly bigger.

3. Because you're a big asshole, and you figure that you might need asshole reduction surgery.

4. Because your name is no longer Aaron C. Fullekson. Now it is Neil Hensort, and you were recently relocated to 7133 N. Volunteer Drive, Apartment 2E, Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania as part of a federal witness protection program to help you escape what would almost certainly be your gruesome death should the Sardinian, Russian or Hong Kong mafia ever be able to track you down somehow.

5. Have always wanted that super-sexy mummified look.

6. You want to make a statement by showing up at your college reunion and making everyone realize how horribly desperate a creature you truly are.

7. You want to fit in with well-balanced celebrities and teenage girls.

8. You are fatally allergic to sag.

9. You want to donate your excess fat to the charity "Lards of Love" for surgically implantation in anorexic children.

10. Are rich, have no soul.

11. If you look younger, you'll live longer. It's common sense.

12. Because Michael Jackson looks so good.

13. Absolutely love, love, love surgery!

14. Because it will help you forge caring, life-long bonds with other shallow people.

15. It means you will never die. Never.

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