July 24, 2007

Fonts That I Hate and the Very Real Reasons Why I Hate Each

1. Eras Bold - A little too bold with its hands, if you catch my drift.

2. Broadway - Always singing loudly for no good reason.

3. Algerian - Number one state sponsor of terrorism against my ancestral French fonts.

4. Bauhaus 93 - If this font had a nose, you wouldn't be able to see anywhere but up it. A touch too pretentious for my tastes.

5. Mistral - Killed my mom.

6. Jokerman - Reason to suspect this font may actually be more of a Jokerwoman. This ruse doesn't strike me as funny.

7. Cooper Black - Drinks too much.

8. Gill Sans Ultra Bold Condensed - Jesus! Make up your mind! Does one font need this many special features? I've heard it has a hot tub in some iterations.

9. Old English Text MC - Rhymes are too Shakespearean compared to most other contemporary rap artists.

10. Showcard Gothic - Too dark and brooding in a very self-centered, whiny way.

11. Wingdings - Only speaks in gibberish; seems unconcerned with communicating on a meaningful level.

12. Lucida Sans Typewriter - Inability to adapt to changing technology makes this the doddering, senile, shouting grandparent of fonts. Always reminding other fonts about how it was done "back in my day!"


Jim H. said...

Helvetica: the generic sans serif font. In fact, I believe Helvetica was used as the one and only font on the original generic products -- the ones with the absolute minimum on the label. A yellow bag with the words "paper plates" spelled out in Helvetica. A font of the people. It was designed by some Dutch fellow named Haas.

Arial is a cheap digital knockoff of Helvetica. Not my type, so to speak.

Deeb said...

Shruti: Too fruti.

Times New Roman: Not enough improvement over Times Old Roman to warrant a re-release.

Also, your post reminded me of this.

Brendon Etter said...


Yeah, that comic strip is funny, especially considering this list was inspired by a rant I put on Northfield.org against comic sans.

It was against the Northfield library's use of the hated font in a display. Here's what I wrote, complete with fake science and everything. You can't argue with fake science!

"While maybe not the same degree of severity can be applied to this issue as, say, a heroin problem among community youth, I'm going to stand with Mr. Gurno and demand a full comic sans retraction from all library displays and publications. Hate, hate, HATE that font!

It's not even a good font for a comedian to use. Maybe a very bad comedian.

Comic sans has been found to decrease the humor value of writing by nearly 45%!

Amazingly, when you publicly read humorous writing off a page, and that humorous writing is in comic sans font, your audience will laugh 31% less, EVEN THOUGH they don't know the writing's font!

This effect pervades even if you're simply reciting the same humorous passage from memory: the fact that you memorized it from text written in the comic sans font drags the comedic value down by nearly 17%!

[All findings from the American Institute of Font-Comedy Relations' 1996 report: "Sans Comic Sans: One Font's Threat to Funniness"]"