I am trying to hold out hope that I do not suck; unfortunately for me, the evidence to the contrary continues to mount.
1. Won gold medal and set world record in the most recent Olympic suckathalon.
2. For the fourth year in a row, came in lousy second place for the Nobel Peace Prize.
3. I possess an impossible density; light doesn't even seem to be able to escape, though I think it's not trying very hard.
4. My snuff films are beginning to feel formulaic and predictable.
5. Frequent guest commentator for local news outlets looking for the sucky point of view.
6. I am the headline act at next year's Suckapalooza.
7. Donald Rumsfeld calls me for advice on how not to be so likable.
8. I own a professional baseball team.
9. Editor-in-Chief for "Suck" - the magazine for people who really, really suck.
10. Receiving an increasing number of "Sorry to hear about your suckiness" and "Get unsucky soon" sympathy cards.
11. Blood tests confirm elevated levels of metasuckians.